Everything I Use To Be...

I use to be a good girl.
I was always different, but I always had pure thoughts and beliefs.
I came up with my own morals when I was, like, 5.
Those stuck with me until I moved here.
Those morals were:
"I will NEVER drink alcohol. I don't care how much people say when I turn 21 I will. I WON'T."
"I will NEVER do drugs. OF ANY SORT. It's stupid and fucks up your life."
"I will NEVER have sex before marriage. Any kind of sex." (I got a purity ring after that came along.)
What did that turn into?
I had my first drink of alcohol the summer going into Sophomore year. And wasn't scared to drink more. So I did. I never got drunk, but I drank.
I started smoking weed May 25th. 2011. And turned into a HUGE stoner.
I haven't had sex, because I still believe in no sex before marriage... Kind of. I've had SOME experience in the sexual world, but that meant nothing because the guy ended up ruining a big part of my life. I didn't even love him. It was just a passion-in-the-moment type deal. But we were friends with SOME benefits... AND NOW.
Now I have exceptions to the "no sex" thing. At first, it was, no matter who I meet, if they love me enough, they'll wait. But... Now it's ME I have to worry about. Ryan is amazing and I love him with everything in me. We both admitted that we are sexually attracted to each other. But I'm trying so hard to keep my hormones intact. He's 18, anyway. Technically, that's illegal since I'm still a minor.
Ugh.

My childhood consisted of this:
I've always been a tomboy. Never wore makeup. Listened to all types of music, but 80% of it was always rock. Whether it be skater, punk rock, alternative rock, hardcore rock, metal, etc.... Rock has always been my favorite.
I grew up with 3 older brothers. Kyle, Alex and Josh. Alex is my favorite person ever. I love him to death. I grew up with them as mentors. They showed me most of my music I still listen to. We use to play video games together, ride bikes, play basketball/football/baseball/soccer together. We use to adventure through the woods, and hang out, climbing trees and pretending we were soldiers in the army.
We had a field behind our house in Oregon City where there was a HUGE grass hill. We use to run and slide down that all the time. Got ridiculous grass and dirt stains on our clothes and skin.
We use to have dirt clod fights.
Going camping was the best part of my childhood.
Literally, it's like my brothers raised me.
I am who I am today because of them. Everything I just explained, is SO me. I would still do ANY of that in a heart beat.
Hell, sometimes we still do some of those things.
I love my brothers.

I moved here. And things changed.
I still am who I use to be.
But I wear makeup now. I'm emo and I try to be a scenester. I'm still a rocker, my style shows some of that side of me. I started smoking and drinking. I get in trouble FAR too much. I'm going through Depression. I started failing classes. I am naturally a rebellious person. I love breaking rules. I love the rush of possibilities of getting caught. I intimidate people because I'm not afraid to throw a punch, and I have a loud voice with an extensive vocabulary.

Before I moved here, I was a rocker girl with a loud voice and a less used, extensive vocabulary. I had those old morals. I never broke rules. I was always a do-gooder. I've always been a tough girl, when it comes to fighting. I've never been scared of getting hit, or hitting someone. I've only been in one fight, because I try to not be like that. But if I have to, I will. I use to get good, or, decent grades. I dressed like a prep.

Then I moved here, and it brought out the true me.
I'M happy with it.
But I wonder how my family thinks of it.
I know my brothers love it! But what about my mom?
What about my dad...?

Who knows.... But honestly, I'm glad this is who I am. I finally managed to expose who I truly am inside.
Mackenzie helped me with that a lot.


I honestly don't know what this post means... I just felt like venting my recent thoughts. This is what my mind's been circling around the past few days.