At Least I Have Ryan.

I'm glad I have Ryan no matter what...
It's like no matter WHAT I do, he always loves me anyway.
I've been way happier recently than I have been in a long time. He helps keep it that way.
No matter what's going on with my friends and me, I know I'll have Ryan.

I'm truly in love with him.
And he's truly in love with me.

Here's a little bit of honesty:
I got really drunk last night.
I got high too, so I was crossfaded.
Against my better judgement, I asked Ryan to come over.
He kept denying me, but eventually I guess I persuaded him. He came over.
No, we did not have sex, for my friends out there who will question me.
But, come on, we're dating. Of course we were gonna be together.
Nothing happened that I wouldn't approve of when I'm sober, though.

And I'm honestly glad that he came over. Becase I think it only made us closer.
I don't know if Ryan can feel it as much as I can, or if he can at all, but I can feel our relationship getting stronger.
I've been feeling it since I started being happy again.

I don't know what happened, but I'm glad it did. Because my life is turning around. And I know that no matter what happens, I will always have Ryan, plus some really good OTHER friends. I know that I'll be fine. Ryan's really all I need to skate by in life. <3

I'm So Frustrated Because It's As If I'm Not Allowed To Be Happy

My relationships with people have way too many conditions.
Am I the only person in this town who doesn't judge my friends based on their decisions/thoughts/actions?
Am I the only friend who loves you no matter what?

Yeah, I'm being dumb. I'm making rebellious decisions... WHAT ELSE IS NEW? I've been like this my whole life. It never bothered anyone before, so why is it now?

Plus, my decisions don't effect YOUR lives, now do they? So why can't you guys just be happy being my friend? I'm happy living my life how I do. It comes with MANY consequences of course, but let ME handle those. If I need help, I'll go to you.

PLEASE... I'm begging you guys.
Stay with me.
Even thought you don't approve.
Please.... Stay with me so I don't have to break my own rule... The rule of changing myself to please others...
I shouldn't have to... So please don't make me.

You're Probably Mad At Me Again... Let Me Stand Up For Myself

Look, if everyone says "Oh, it's the teenage years. Everyone makes mistakes and stupid decisions when they're teenagers. No big deal.", then PLEASE tell me why everyone judges me when I do exactly that...?
I'm being a teen!!
I use to tell you everything, but you keep JUDGING me.
Stop.
Please?
If you're really my friend, you will hear me out.
Listen, I know I've fucked up my life a lot.
But it's not ALL my fault. Do you not remember my father? Do you not remember my mother and her harsh words? Do you not remember all the times I've cried due to other people and their misinterpretations of who I am? Do you not remember me BAWLING my eyes out because I couldn't find a connection with God?
Do you not remember how much pain I've gone through in my life?

Yes, I understand you would perfer if I responded to my life in a healthier way. But look, it's my life. These are my decisions. And I really don't want them getting in the way of our friendship.
You forget that I've hit rock bottom. Don't forget that from there, the only place to go is up. YOU told me that yourself.
If you believe that, then don't misunderstand.
I'm on my way back up.
Recently, things have been changing a lot and I've been happier.
My life IS turning around.

But that DOESN'T mean I'm gonna stop being who I am, doing what I do.
You accepted me for who I was and what I did before, so what happened? How come NOW you decide to get mad at me?
I'll say it again.
I'M A TEENAGER. I'M DOING WHAT TEENAGERS DO.
I'm having fun.
I'm making mistakes.
I'm creating memories, and learning from them.

So, please. Let me live. Let me fuck up. Let me go through everything a Depressed teenager will go through.
Don't hate me when I do something stupid. Help me when I need help. Be a friend to me when I'm being smart. And when I'm not, then just don't acknowledge it. Please? I'm tired of living my life, and then worrying that you or Mackenzie will hate me because I am doing exactly that, living.

I know I'm letting you down, because I'm not living up to your expectations for me.

To drive this away from being towards one specific person, this post now is to everyone who reads it.
You guys who think I'm the only one who does shit like this, let me tell you... You're SO incredibly wrong.
You forget that everyone else in town acts like me too.

I love all of my friends and I don't want to lose anybody. But I need you all to listen to me.
I am not a bad person.
And I have reasons for doing what I do.
Keep in mind that I've been going through MORE than I can handle in the past 2 months.
I've been stuck in hell, and now that I'm finally climbing out, you all decide to judge me. PLEASE STOP.

Ditching School Is Sketchy

I ditched fifth period.
I left school in a way nobody would see me. And then went I got onto the road, a car passed me and stared at me before turning into the HS, so I ran to the middle school and walked to the back road.
After thinking I was in the clear, Buzzy called me telling me the cops were at my house. I was freaking out, just to tell me that he was fucking with me.
HORRIBLE TIMING, TOO, because 2 minutes later, a cop showed up down the road, so I ran into the trees and hid behind one, Successfully too.
So when he was gone, I went back to the road. Walked until about 5 minutes later, he showed up again.
He ended up turning around the block, and coming back around to pass me a third time.
I know he was trying to freak me out on purpose. It worked.
Then after that, I got into town. And I made it by Martolli's and he passed me yet again.
So I went into the market and stayed in there with T since she was working.
After I left the market, I turned and got on my road.
The cop came YET again, but he didn't see me.
It was sketchy.  But whatever.

Wahh, White Girl Problems

Yes, I just quoted you, Sarah.
My emotions are ridiculous.
I can't control my feelings...

I went to school and was ecstatic to be with Ryan.
He makes me so happy.

He kept kissing me and it was SO hard to stop.
Pulling away from him physically hurt. I just wanted to stay with him all day.
This is when Sarah says "Wah, my boyfriend loves me, WHITE GIRL PROBLEMS." as a way to make fun of me...(:
haha. Whatever.

 I was so focused on Ryan's touch and it made me feel amazing.
Any time he moved his hand, I got chills.
Sarah and I were talking about hugs. Like, different kinds of hugs and many of them I had recieved from Ryan. It makes me so happy thinking about it.

It's all a lot to understand. But gosh, he makes me happy.
<3

My Confidence Level

For ONCE, my life has decided to bless me with confidence.

This last weekend, I was hanging out with my awesome friends, Sarah, Nick, Mackenzie, Megan, Hailey, Brogin and Ashlee. We were being ourselves, acting crazy, making ridiculous jokes only we understand, etc..
And it made me realize how great we are... That might sound cocky, but that's not how I mean it.
I simply mean that we are absolutely insane, and yet we're happy being that way.
We act like fools, but we have fun.
We have no shame in being ourselves.

Mackenzie and I are both really into the scenester looks.
We're both kinda going for that style.
So, once again, Mackenize did my hair.
We bought hair dye, bleached my hair, and then dyed half of it red.
It's more of the scenester look I'm going for, but the red wasn't as bright and bold like I was wanting.
It still looks awesome, and when my blond and red blends, it's like fire, just as Mackenzie said it would.

I love it, and honestly, I think it makes me look good.
That's probably the only time I have ever thought that I actually DO look good, despite people telling me how "pretty" I am..,
My confidence level was so low before. I've never thought of myself as pretty, or even cute.
And I've always been self conscious of my personality.

But now, I've come to realize that, I am who I am.I should love myself for who I am. Because frankly, I'm really not that bad.
I have a weird, unique personality and heart, but I should be proud of that.
Mackenzie and the rest of my weird, awesome friends have helped me come to this conclusion.
They are proud to be who they are.
It's really inspiring.
And I love spending time with them. I can fit in and not be worried about how I look or what I say.
I never have to worry about impressing anybody. I can be myself and they love me for it.

Today, I woke up and was in a good mood.
I did my makeup and left the house feeling confident about my look, AND who I am inside.
I've been listening to 3 songs today.
YoungBlood by The Naked and Famous.
Good Morning by Chamillionaire.
Born This Way by Lady Gaga.

Yeahh, I know... Not my usual music choice.
But it was the lyrics.
Youngblood always makes me happy and confident.
Good Morning pretty much is about having haters, and not caring what other people think.
Born This Way is obviously about loving yourself for who you are and not changing to please other people.
The three songs were my soundtrack today. Because it was reminding me to be proud of myself.

And now, I'm sitting at home, thinking about my boyfriend, watching Ouran High School Host Club (anime), and waiting for YoungLife at 7:27. (Yes, that is actually when it starts.)
I'm in a good mood.

Sleep

Every day recently, I've been sleeping a lot. I've been realllllllllly tired, and I'm not sure why.
My mind's been full of day dreams and fantasies... Most including my boyfriend.
Last weekend, I was so occupied with him. Most of my time was revolving around me texting him, or thinking about him.
I like sleeping.
I like sleeping because he shows up in my dreams quite frequently. I tend to get sad at night because he isn't around... But once I fall asleep, there he is!

At night, all I want is him.
I want him to be here with me.
I want to FEEL him here.
I want to feel his arms wrapped around me, with my face buried in his chest, where I can hear his heartbeat as we fall asleep together.

But instead, I lay in bed alone, curled up in blankets, missing him and wishing he was with me.

I love Ryan.

Home alone for a week.. Hmm. I wonder what will happen? Likely, a party with my stoner friends. Oh, and hopefully alone time with my boyfriend? I love that mom decided to trust me again.. Especially considering she should know by now that I am gonna do everything she wouldn’t approve of.

Wow...

I guess I'm stronger than I thought. This is going to be hard, and I don't know what it will do to me emotionally. But I know that I have to do this...
I just hope it doesn't tear me apart.

"No matter what happens ever, us 4 siblings always got eachother's backs and will always be there for eachother." My brother Kyle just said this to me.

I am crying and I am so incredibly emotional right now, and will be on Monday..
But he's right. That's the main reason I'm doing what I'm doing to begin with.
I need my brothers.

Goodbye

I hate saying goodbye. It's my least favorite word of the English language.
But sometimes it is necessary...
And this is one of those times.

You've been in my life since I was born.
You were a great father to me when you were in my life.
But now, with circumstances I can't change, and events I couldn't prevent, it's time that I let go.

I honestly never thought that I could say it.
I never thought I would choose to not have you in my life. But as it so happens, I am.

I understand that this will change both of our lives forever.
But you fucked up too badly...
I thought I could forgive you.. But I can't.
I will always love you.
You will always be my dad.
But this is something that I have to do. For me. For mom. For Brittany. And for my brothers.

You were an amazing dad and friend to me. We've been through everything together. You knew every thing about me. Down to each small detail. You knew every event that went on in my life. You knew things I wouldn't tell anyone else. You knew my deepest secrets, my hidden passions, my loves, my hates... everything.
I will never forget the father that you were.
But I can't change my decision.
No matter how much I wish I could.

I wish with EVERYTHING in me that things could go back to normal, but they can't.
Especially with me remembering what happened in my past.
You think you can be a good dad to me, and despite EVERYTHING, I believe you.
But I can't let you.
I'm sorry. It makes me sick to my stomach to come to this conclusion, and this ending...
But it has to happen.
Maybe one day in the future, I'll come back to you. Actually, I know I will.
But for now... I NEED to live my life happily. And the only way to do that, is without you.

I was looking at pictures of you, and it was like I had never seen you before in my life.
I knew you were my dad, but it was like I was looking at a complete stranger...
That's probably the worst feeling ever.

I'm in a lot of pain doing this...
But I have no other choice.
Dad, I love you and I always will.
But I have to say goodbye.

You will always be my dad... but I can't let you be in my life anymore. I'm sorry.

Love Is A Suspicious Thing

To be honest, I'm really intimidated of love.
It's scary what it can do to someone.
Sometimes you love someone and you don't even know it.
Sometimes you love someone and you're fully aware of it, but can't do anything about it.
Sometimes somebody loves you and you haven o idea.
Sometimes that somebody is the same person you love... But if you don't tell each other, then nobody knows what could have been...
Sometimes love makes us do/say stupid things.
Sometimes love makes us hurt those we love.
Sometimes love is not fair.

There are so many possibilities...

There is something I want to know about love...
How powerful REALLY is it? What can, or will, it do to us?
WILL things work out for the better, or will we just keep loving and losing?

Right now, I'm loving, and I'm winning.
That's why I'm so curious.
Because I've been losing my whole life.
And I see people lose every day...
It's not even close to being fair.
Why can't everyone love and be happy?

You'd think love would cause more happiness than sadness...
And yet due to timing and location... it can cause more pain and misery than anything else....
I feel sad for those who feel pain because of love.

I'm not sure where this post came from... But it was on my mind.

Mackenzie

My darling Mackenzie....
Oh, the memories we have shared...
Are we crazy, YES.
I know it, you DEFINITELY know it, hell, Ryan even knows it.
We've become the same person.
We can talk about everything and there is 0% judgement in the air.
I love that.
I trust you the most out of everyone to not judge me.
Because I never judge you either.
We're best friends.

We've been through a lot together.
Many fights have almost torn our friendship apart, but we made it through everything!
Somehow you always come back to me.

You make me laugh all the time, and no matter what mood I'm in, you can make me happy.
We have the weirdest humor, and our inside joke list is very extensive.
I love how you can be a total twat swatter (girl cock blocker), and just walk away laughing.
You leave me and Ryan both speechless because we're sitting there staring after you, with nothing to say because you're crazy.
You've rubbed off on me a lot. You've brought out my REAL personality.
I use to hide. NOW I HAVE NO SHAME.
Okay, maybe a little bit... But not too much!

You help bring out my confidence, and we can be completely nuts together and just laugh and say "What the hell is wrong with us?!"
haha!
You're so important to me. You helped shape me into the supposedly strong person I am.
I'm crazy, and I am proud of it.

We are insane and hilarious and it never gets old.
I love you so much, Kenz. You really don't understand how much you mean to my life.
I can't imagine my life without you.
You make me happy and I can always trust that you will cheer me up when I'm  at my worst.
You've brought me out of hell countless times, and I am so grateful.
You really have become my best friend. Almost closer to me than Cassidy.

I know we don't always see eye-to-eye, because we can both be really emotional and irritable, but no matter what, you'll always be a best friend to me. I will always be here for you, because you've always been here for me.

Thank you for helping me with my Depression.
Thank you for helping me reach my relationship with God.
Thank you for helping me find myself.
Thank you for not letting me fall into the darkness.
Thank you for keeping me alive.

Ryan

Babe, you're absolutely everything to me.
I know we've been through HELL together already in our relationship, but I love you and that will never change.
We have both felt so much pain, but that never breaks us because we know we're better than that.
We know that our relationship will last, because even if we are weak as individuals, as a couple, we are strong. We have and will continue to make it through all the bullshit thrown at us.

I fell for you back in September, about 6 months ago.
I joined Radio... And it was probably the smartest decision I've ever made, and honestly, I have Maria to thank for that, because I was considering being a TA instead.
And then I met you.
We instantly clicked.
We had similar music taste, which was a big deal for both of us.
And as my Depression attacked me on a daily basis, you and Drewbie let me go into the Radio room and breathe as I vented to Drew, because I didn't know you enough to talk directly to you.
You both listened to me and gave me the advice that you could.

I liked you a lot. And the only person who knew about it was Maria, and she kept trying to make it obvious.
Honestly, there are times when I despise Maria. But there ARE times when I love her too.
This was not one of those times.
She kept saying you and I played "Cat and mouse". That when I looked away from you, you would look at me. Almost every time and that we supposedly were flirting a lot?

Then your birthday came around and I embarrassed myself because that's what I'm good at.

We talked, you gave me your number, and from there we texted every day.
We opened up to each other enough that we clicked even MORE.
We helped each other with our Depression problems, and before I knew it, I was head over heels in love with you.
Everyone knew. And you did too, which I was unaware of.

You treated me with respect and we got along so well.

There were many days when we had conversations about my love for you and how you didn't feel the same way.
But every single time you had to let me down, it never broke me love. I never stopped loving you. I always had hope, even though I thought it was a waste of time.
Figures, for the first time ever, it wasn't. It wasn't false hope.

You told me you loved me too and I will absolutely never forget that day. So much happened that day that I remember so clearly. I remember absolutely every feeling, thought and action that I performed that day.
It's so vivid in my mind.

And then for the next 2 days, we were a "thing". Until you asked me out. I'm so glad I stayed after school that day, even though I thought I was leaving.
You kissed me after my ex boyfriend passed by. And it was hilarious. You kissed me, and then asked me to be your girlfriend. Of course, I said yes. And Sarah simply said "It's about fucking time!"

Our relationship has been extremely rocky, and some people seriously thought we weren't gonna last. Many people had doubts about our relationship. But my friends stayed supportive, even when I was in pain.
My mind went to so many things, but they helped me straighen out my thoughts and help me get through it.

We are still dating. It's been a month and a week.
You can say the simplest things that make my heart flutter.
"I love you, baby." Those are the best four words I have ever heard.
I get chills every time.

Ryan, I love you.

Sarah

Oh jeese... The things I could write in this post.
I could type simply inside jokes and fill a whole page of post that nobody would understand.
A lot of people find it weird that we can hang out soooo much and never get tired of each other.
You're easily one of my closest friends here.
I tell you absolutely everything and you tell me everything too, even if it does bother your little bitch of a "brother".
I'm sorry. I know he means a lot to you, which is why I try to keep the insulting to a minimum. But you understand my reasoning...
Even if OTHER PEOPLE don't.......... -_-

You're awesome and I love all of our stupid, ABSURD memories that we can talk about all the time and it never gets old.
You're always there for me, even when I'm being a bitch to the world.
You put up with me and my mood swings.
I love that you never judge me, (not seriously, anyway) so I know I can trust you.
I love "Story Time" every fourth period, at lunch, and on the phone after school.
Every day we catch each other up on recent events.
Sure, it might seem like we have the same conversation every day to other people.
Oh well.
Our conversations are priceless.

I adore you.
I think you're drop dead gorgeous, even if you don't believe it.
I HATE that you don't have the confidence level you SHOULD have.
I hate that you argue with me when I KNOW I'm right because EVERYONE else agrees with me.
Honey, BE CONFIDENT. Because you're beautiful and you have an amazing personality.
And even though Wyatt and I are NOT friends,
BELIEVE WHAT HE TELLS YOU ABOUT HOW GREAT YOU ARE.
Because it's the truth.

Jake

You mean so much to me.
You've become one of my best friends.
That's why I am grateful to have dated Stephen, because it led me to meeting you.
Even though I probably would have met you anyway, due to Brittany.
You're so easy to talk to and get along with, which you said was difficult in the beginning.
You tried and tried to tell me that you were an asshole and that you don't know how to treat people right.
That's bullshit.
Because you make me laugh all the time. We can and do talk about everything.
You let me vent when I need to, you help me when I need help that nobody else can give me, and you can joke around with me.
I love when we text about ridiculous things, like you being a ninja, you loving Emma Stone and planning to go to jail for murdering any guy who touches her, just to break out of jail.
I love how we can go from having serious conversations about our friendship, to being idiots, goofing off and being stupid.
I love how you would say the most ridiculous things in attempt to flirt with me.
It was hilarious and entertaining.
Now even though we never hang out after school, it's nice to see you during school and talk momentarily before you have to go back to Stephen.
I love talking with you.
You're hella funny and we somehow manage to find things to talk about all day long.
You're an awesome friend and I really appreciate having you around.

Brogin

My lovely, adorable gay friend....
You make me so happy.
Even when I'm sad, you can say things that make me laugh or cheer me up.
Our memories are the best.
I love spending the night at your house with a bunch of other girls while playing Amnesia, Scared of Monsters, Nosferatu, and Penumbra.
Plus the hilarious board games, ImaginIff and Apples to Apples.
And who can forget the endless amounts of ramen?

You're always so happy and I really admire that about you.
I have only seen you angry once. And I've only seen you sad once.
The rest of the time you're happy and cheerful and cute.

You're absolutely adorable.

Mackenzie, Sarah, Brogin, Ashlee, Megan, Nick, Hailey

I love you guys.
Last night was amazing.
Quelf, wii, and movies about gay people.
We laughed til we cried. LITERALLY.
We made many, many videos and took many, many embarrassing, ugly pictures of all of us.
It was good times. Times I won't forget.
You guys make my life.
No matter what happens, I manage to get happy just by having you guys in my life.
Somehow you all put up with me and my crazy mood swings and emotional train wrecks.
And no matter what, you can make me laugh and cheer me up even when I'm in the worst state of mind.
Thank you guys for being in my life.
I love all of you dearly.

Finally My Happiness Is Back

After weeks and weeks of turmoil and sadness, I found myself again.
I finally smoked, so my withdrawal disappeared, and I'm spending more time with friends.
I made up with Ryan, and everything is going well again.
Spending this much time with my friends is so helpful to my emotions.
I've finally come to realize that, shit sucks, and life goes to complete chaos sometimes, and it will drag me into the hell I have gotten so familiar with... But it doesn't matter because in the end, everything finds a way to work out.
Jake's right.
Everything is temporary. Nothing is permanent, so nothing will last forever.
I am so glad things are going back to normal now.
I'm happy. <3

I won’t lie, I feel the same way. I miss the days of pure happiness and passion I shared with you. Like when we were alone at your house. To be blunt, as soon as you were laying on top of me, this huge amount of love and passion for you came over me. You were all I could see, and all I could feel. You kissed my neck and then it was as if nothing in the world existed except us. Until your parents came home. I think about that day a lot. More than you might think. And then I remember us at the park.. That intense feeling of love was just engulfing me. I started feeling shy, and I don’t know if you noticed. Any time you had your hands on me, it was like a trigger that reminded me that what was happening, was real. We were the cute couple with the boyfriend tickling his girlfriend and the girl constantly kissing him to stop him from moving so much. That day seemed damn near perfect. And then again on our double date. In the movie theater, I tried to contain myself. (even if Mackenzie wasn’t... :p) But there were times when you grabbed my leg or something and those lovely chills of mine came back. And again when we were sitting by the fire.. That passion is still inside me, but it keeps having troubles making itself present again. I think it is because my heart is trying so hard to conceal itself, to protect itself.. But just know that I’m trying my best to be who I use to be. The person you fell in love with. I want to be that person again.

I want to be everything you want in a girlfriend. I just keep messing it up. Ruining thihgs thst are good for me comes naturally in my life. I am constantly doing everything wrong. If our relationship dies, I know it will be my fault. No matter what happens, it will always come back to me. How you manage to stay with me after all the chaos, I have no idea.. Anyone else would have left. Anyone else wouldn’t have held back. They would have sent the text you almost sent me last night. Now I can’t help but be even more paranoid. I am terrified of those words. And yet, in the back of my head, I am almost waiting for it, as if I will hear them soon? I hope that isn’t the case. I truly believe we can make it through this, no matter how much our hearts deny it. I just don’t know how it will happen. You sent me a text saying you miss the beginning of our relationship. When I had constant chills and smiled around you even when I was Depressed. I don’t know what happened to that.... it just got destroyed by my dad and the pain he brought along. It ruined me and then getting caught/suspended, made it even worse. I feel as though I am stuck in this empty pit of hell, darkness surrounding me and for some reason, the only time I can get out is when I am with friends. I don’t know what has happened to me and I don’t know why. But it did. I hope we can find a way around it.

Smoking. Fuck the world. Fuck my mom. I know plenty of ways to hide it on the test. I should be good.

My heart was broken yesterday. My mood keeps changing from Depressed to pissed off.. I am so ridiculously unstable right now...

If you REALLY do still love me, you will find a way to make things right again.

Praying nobody is home. I cannot even explain my emotions right now. I am almost to the point of not giving a fuck, and letting my life go to shit. Seriously...

T h a n k G o d f o r S a r a h s b u t t e r f l y . . . T h a t i s t h e o n l y t h i n g s t o p p i n g m e .

Both halves of me are contradicting. I need to figure out what to do about everything. I found a way to smoke and not get caught. That is happening pronto.

I have never been this stressed out. I am shaking. I feel like I am gonn be sick. So much going on in my head. I am seriously considering skipping.

I have a bad habit for turning my sadness into anger. So I am so glad I have been surrounding myself with friends today. Other than being extremely Depressed and pissed off, they keep me laughing.

End Of My Rope - Trapt. Probably the most relevant thing ever to how I feel... This is why they are one of my favorite bands. These bands write the best songs.

I don’t think I have ever been attacked by so much pain all at once. I remember that one night he helped me through, months ago. That worst night. That pain was gradual. I just felt the same amount of pain, all in about 5 seconds. I feel like I just got stabbed. I don’t even know what to do anymore. I am at a complete loss for words. For thoughts. For actions. All I can do is lay here. Motionless.

Curled up in bed with a sweatshirt that has sleeves drenched from tears. My heart aches and I am terrified of what is going to happen next. Every minute is becoming increasingly longer. My anxiety and Depression are attacking from every angle and I feel like I’m gonna scream. I need to get ahold of Sarah. I can feel the skin on my leg pulsating, like it does when I need to cut. In reality, I am in silence, but my heart and my brain are causing so much noise inside my head, my anxiety is just worsening. I feel claustophobic.

Music and Art. They make me feel like SOMEONE. Mr. Johnson told me I have an amazing singing voice. That was easily the best confidence booster I have ever recieved. He knows good singing, and him saying I am good, means sooo much. Now all of my doubts are gone. When it comes to art, I know I am good. I also know I can get better. Which is one of my main motivations. Art and singing are my top 2 outlets of emotion. NOBODY understands the passion I put behind both. And that is what makes it like my own little world.

Can I just say, something I never thought I would say? Wyatt was right. You are too good for me. You could do way better than me. In all actuality, I’m an emo, wannsbe scenster, stoner who cuts herself almost every week and listens to music 24/7, most of which is hardcore or alternative rock. I am infatuated with art, and my life is going nowhere. I will always be rebellious. I will always hang out with the guys and break rules. That is who I am. Your life has potential of going somewhere. Don’t let me drag you down. I love you. I do. But you shouldn’t love me. I am not worth your time. I am not worth the extra pain in your life. I am not worth sticking around for. Listen to Wyatt. He is right. I am not good for you. You’re wasting your time with me...

Why am I SO stressed out over every little thing? This is driving me crazy! Ugh. I wish my fucking mom wasn’t drug testing me! I have never needed to smoke so bad in my life. I think that is a big contributor to my recent attitude change, too. Not being able to get high.. Since I stopped smoking, my pupils were huge for the first two weeks of not having weed, my mood changes so dramatically so quickly, and my hormones are being ridiculously confusing. Ugh. I NEED TO SMOKE.

Jeans and long sleeves are two simple things that I am thankful for. Especially jeans at this point.. I am sorry to those who understand what this post means. There was no butterfly to keep alive. When there is no butterfly, what will stop an addict..?

For once, I have something in my brain I will not tell anybody. Not Ryan, not Mackenzie, not Sarah, not even Support Group. This is new to me.. But my gut is telling me to keep quiet about it. So that’s what I will do... I am just worried of what will happen to me in the long run if I stay silent.. I guess we’ll see how the day goes tomorrow and move from there. Right when I thought things were gonna be better, too.. Now I have to pretend...

I don’t know who did it. I just remember it happening. This repressed memory of my childhood is giving me answers to questions I have today... The bad news is, I had totally forgotten this happened... I was 100% unaware that I even had this memory..

I need to get on a computer soon. Instead of my phone. I def. Need to make some long and elaborate posts for my the people in my life.

“You’re not a bad person. You’re a very good person, who, bad things have happened to. Besides, the world isn’t split into good people and death eaters. We’ve all got light and dark inside us. What matters is the power we choose to act on. That’s who we really are.“ -Serius Black (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix)

This Is Why I Love My Friends

1. REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
2. WOULDYA LOOK AT IT? JUST LOOK AT IT.
3. Oh haaaayyyyyyy.
4. NICE TITS.
5. PPUUUUUUUUUUUULLP.
6. AMNESIA ZOMBIE.
7. Placenta....
8. MACKENZIE LIKES THAT.
etc....

My friends make my life.
I don't know what I'd do without them.
Amnesia parties and random outbursts.
My friends make me happy.
Ohhh the memories....(:

I absolutely love my lesbian, bi, and gay friends. They are easily the coolest people in school.

What is it about that word? Four letters. And it makes me blush and smile like an idiot. Every time he calls me baby, I get chills. <3

Saturday morning cartoons. I missed Dragon Ball Z. My childhood is making a comeback!

I v e g o t t o f a c e t h e s e e v i l s p i r i t s a n d s e n d t h e m b a c k t o H e l l .

I. Am. So. Scared. Of. Cops. Now.
One just followed me home. It is past curfew... Now if I have to give my name, they will know who I am. Now I dont feel safe.

I hate feeling like Im bringing down everyones mood. Im just trying to breathe. I want so much that I just cant have.. I need sleep.

So stressed. With so much going on in my head. Even my friends are having troubles cheering me up. I wish I could shut my brain up!

These rumors about you better be true. I dont want to let you back in my life and get attached again. Its like everything is okay again. Please dont ruin it.

Youre back in my life all of a sudden. I thought you were gone and here you are. You better not fuck me over again. This time I will be smarter...

From 27 old ones... To 80 new ones... My mom walked in and I shoved my pajama leg down as fast as I could. Thank. God. She. Did. Not. See.

When there is no butterfly to kill, it is easier to not feel bad about being weak.

I hate being in an irritable mood like I am now. I can get so triggered so quick. I can get so mad so quick. Ugh. Maybe I should just go to bed...

Why does nobody understand? Seriously, I just dont even know what to do or say anymore.

God. Damn. People.
Go the fuck away!! Learn to respect personal space and privacy! Fucking a. I am getting so tired of humanity in general this week.

Really wish I could control how visible my posts are to people. I want to post something on my mind that other people REALLY dont need to know...

4 Words.
I love you, baby.
Those are the best four words I have ever heard. <3

Why am I being like this? Music and art are the only things I care about right now. I dont know what is going on.

T h i s i s n t m e . W h y a m I s o n o t c o n t e n t r i g h t n o w ? I m n o t m y s e l f . . .

I Know I'm Hard To Understand... That's What Scares Me

I know I confuse people.
It frustrates me.
When I try to be REAL with somebody, and they don't understand my logic.
If I tell somebody something that means a lot to me and they don't understand why, no matter how hard I try to explain it.
I hate that I don't know how to express my passions about certain things.
Sometimes I just can't express it in words... It's really frustrating.
But I'm scared to show people what I mean. Because I feel if they SEE it, then they know too much.
And then I'm vulnerable.
Which is one of the worst feelings in my book.
Being vulnerable scares me.
Which is why I never sing in front of people.
It's not all self consciousness. It's also I'm scared of being vulnerable.
And singing... Putting my emotion into it, makes me vulnerable.
That's why I'm alone when I sing and draw...
When I do stuff I'm REALLY love to do, I feel like I have to be alone..
And hide it.
Because if I don't... People can see the real me. The passionate, emotional girl that I am inside.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YuSg4mts9E&ob=av2e
This song... is a song I put a lot of emotion into.
When I listen to it, it brings out my inner feelings.
I listen to it when I'm in the best mood ever, and the worst mood ever.
Becuase when I'm happy, it just puts me in an even better mood.
And when I'm sad, it's like it gets it... how I feel.. And it helps get rid of my emotions.

And that's just another thing nobody will understand.

Nobody Else Bothers To Ask

Jake Heath...
He's the only one who ASKED me.

I'm a pretty open person... If I trust you.
But I won't tell you something unless you give me reason to.
Sarah only knows my life story because it was posted on tumblr... But I gave up on that.
So only a few people know my life.

Jake doesn't know my life.
But it was nice that he cares enough about me to ask questions.
He doesn't just leave it up to me.
He asked me about my Depression. Just out of curiousity, and concern.
So I told him. I answered all his questions.
And he really LISTENED to me. And he tried helping me.

It was nice to know that he cares.
Nobody else has asked me about my Depression.
People just know I'm going through it.
Nobody really understands why.
Except Sarah, Mackenzie, Brittany.
A few others know PARTS of the reason.
But not all of it.

I secretly love when people ask about my life.
Because I will tell you if you ask.
But I won't just come out with it.
I love knowing people care enough to be curious and ask me.
THAT'S why I DO tell you. Because you care.

Thank you, Jake. For doing something nobody else would.

Str8 To The Bottom - Weaving The Fate

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvCD4jbMIgs

This song, I just found. And it's absolutely amazing. It's EASILY one of my favorites now.
It's yet another song I can put one of my stories and memories behind. And nobody else will understand that.
Because the only person reading this who knows my life story is Sarah, and she doesn't even know what I'm talking about.
My secrets...
They'll be shared eventually.
But nobody's that curious.

Obsessing Over Two Of My Favorite Bands

Evanescence and Skillet.
Their music is so intense.
It grabs me from the start, and moves me until the end.
The music in general is beautiful. The rock brings out the greatness of each song.
The lyrics are more than just words. Each word has emotion and meaning behind it.
And each verse connects to me.
Evanescence and Skillet are two bands that never fail to touch my heart.
Their music tells stories that can't be told any other way...
Stories I recognize... Because I've lived them.

Skillet is the best Christian band I have heard.
The best thing about them is that they aren't the classic Christian band.
If you listen to them, you can't tell that they are religious.
It's like normal everyday rock music, with amazing amounts of meaning.

I can connect to a lot of music, hense why I listen to it so much.

But Evanescence and Skillet are the two bands I can connect to most.

(And Three Days Grace, of course, but they deserve a separate post.)

I'm so glad I can sing Evanescence so well. Because her music is so beautiful and emotional. When I need to get my emotions out, I listen to Evanescence. It's the easiest to listen to, where I can get my feelings out by putting them into my singing. <3

Part of me wants to show that to people... But the other part of me is still SO self conscious.
The only person I have sang Evanescence to is Scout Ehr.
She could hear the emotion behind my voice.
She loved it.
But I'm scared she's the only one that would.

My Mind Is Just An Endless Pit Today

I can't stop posting today.
Because new things keep making themselves known in my brain.
My mind is racing and I don't know what to do with any of the information coming out.
So I write them down. Because this is the only way I can get them out so more can come in.
I wonder how scrambled I seem to everyone else.
Because I know it's a mess.
I know I'M a mess.

Thoughts and Feelings That Have To Be Left Unshared

I know that no matter how much people say they won't judge me...
On SOME things... They would.
Which is why I want to post something that's on my mind, but I just can't.
Deep down, I don't want people to find out.
But also I don't want to be judged... because I'm judged enough every day as it is.
I don't want any more issues, so I'm just keeping them to myself, Sarah, and Brittany.
Mackenzie's probably forgotten by now, or doesn't care.
So it's left to the three of us.
Brittany and Sarah will help me sort out my feelings.
I love those two.
They understand me.
And they never judge me.
Thank you, guys.
For putting up with me.

Starting To Wonder What Will Become Of My Life

Yes.. I know. Post 14 of 2 days. Jesus.

I KNOW I'm going to be a tattoo artist.
But I haven't gone to the tattoo shop in over a month. Due to my personal life making me too stressed out to deal with anything else.
I also am losing faith in my artistic abilities. Yes, I know I am good. But I can't draw anything off the top of my head, except cartoon stuff like skulls and graffiti and stuff. That show more of my outward personality.
When it comes to REALLY drawing, I HAVE to look at something. I can't just come up with my own design. I have to look at a drawing, and go from there.
But I CAN draw. I'm not like Maria. I don't pretend I'm bad when I know I'm not.
I know some of my stuff needs work, and that's when I say I'm bad. When I actually TRULY believe I am. But I'm honest with myself. I do have artistic talent.
Just not enough...
So I'm starting to doubt whether or not I'm good enough to become a tattoo artist.
Yay for self consciousness. -.-

And if tattooing doesn't work for me... What else is there?
I want to be a cook, but I have no patience and don't want to take the time and effort to pursue that.
I want to be a singer... Apparently American Idol is coming to Central Oregon this year. Or somewhere close by. And I thought about auditioning. But again, I am NOT that good at singing.
I CAN sing. But I'm not breathtaking... I can definitely use some work on that. THAT's something I know I could do. I WOULD take time and effort to pursue that. But I can't write songs. So where am I?
Nowhere.
I don't want to have an ordinary job... Like working at a store or something.
I want to do something I love. But it seems I don't have the potential.

Wow. I Write A Lot

Just realized how many posts I've made in the last 2 days... Including this one, I have 13 posts from yesterday and today. Hey! My lucky number! Weird. :p
Not having internet makes my mind go nuts, so I had to catch up on my blogging.
Well, I hope whoever reads my blog enjoys my crazy rants and thought outbursts.

WHY am I letting YOU get to me?

Wyatt. He's important to Sarah, and I respect him for that. No matter how shitty of a person I personally think he is, I always have that respect towards him. Because he can make her happy and he's good to her... (Most of the time)
But what have I ever done to him? I've said maybe 10 words to the guy since I knew he existed.
He hated my brother Alex. And Alex use to call him a fagget to me. I didn't know Wyatt though, so I could have cared less.
Then I met him. I had no problem with him.
The issue is that his current or ex? girlfriend, Ciara Affatati dated Alex. And he loved her deeply until she broke his heart and cheated on him with Sam Summers. Making me despise both of them because I had to watch Alex, my favorite brother cry for 4 hours. I had to help him feel better. It KILLED me to see my brother like that.
And I held that against Sam and Ciara for a good while. Sometimes holding a grudge is necessary.
Then I had Radio with Sam and wanted to shoot him every day. Until I got to know him.
And who'd have thunk it. He ended up being one of my good friends!!
We got to know each other, and we became great friends, before AND after he figured out Alex was my brother. We're still friends to this day.
I HATED Ciara though. Until I had choir with her. Then I gave up on this feud. I talked to her, and now her and I are even better friends than me and Sam. WEIRD.

But point is, Wyatt hates me because I use to be rude to Ciara for cheating on my brother.
Even now that Ciara and I are friends, he. will. not. let. it. go.
He treats me like SHIT. And at first, I didn't give two fucks about what Wyatt thought.
But now it's starting to bother me a lot.
I hate when people talk badly about me, because I feel as though I don't deserve a good 90% of what people say about me.
People judge and talk shit before getting to know who I actually am...
Wyatt says HORRIBLE things about me... And as much as I don't want to admit it, it really drags down my confidence level... Which is already in the negatives as it is.
Every time Sarah tells me what Wyatt says and thinks about me, it hurts more than it should.
It's not that I care what WYATT specifically thinks, it's more of the fact that ANYONE thinks that about me, it hurts...
And Sarah tries to stand up for me. I appreciate that more than she knows.
Now Wyatt is mad because I "stole" his best friend... He's pissed off that Ryan is dating me. He says I changed him and that they never hang out anymore because he's always with me.
HOW IS THAT MY FAULT?
I'm not the type of girl that glues her boyfriend to her hip. He can be wherever he wants. He can hangout with anybody he wants. I don't care. He has freedom. He chooses to be with me over his friends. That's HIS doing, not mine, asshole. If you have a problem with it, talk with Ryan about it! Don't spread shit about me because I'm his girlfriend.
And either way, Ryan isn't gonna appreciate what you're saying about me, so you might as well just go to HIM about your disapprovals... It's up to him what happens about it.


Also, the thing that bothers me most about people talking shit about me, is that nobody sticks up for me.
I'm on my own.
In Scio, (where I lived before coming here to Sisters) my friends ALWAYS had my back. Especially Richard... My practical brother. He does what Wyatt does for Sarah.
If anyone sad ANYTHING about me, he would shove them against lockers. He would threaten them and yell at them to knock it off because I didn't deserve thier bullshit. Once, he heard someone say shit about me from across the room, and he stood up at lunch and yelled at him for it. Richard always had my back.
Then I moved here and NOBODY does that. I swear, I'm the only one who sticks up for my friends anymore.
If I hear someone talking shit or doing bad things to my friends, I get PISSED. I'm also really protective and kinda territorial of my friends. So if I hear anything like that, I WILL stand up for them. I always do. I find whoever it is, and make sure they stop.
Nobody else does that... for anyone.
None of my friends even attempt to stop shit talkers. They hear shit about me, tell me about it, and don't do anything else. It's like they think I'll take care of it.
How can I take care of it if they're talking about ME? It doesn't work that way. As much as I wish it did.
I'm not trying to sound greedy or something, it's just that when NOBODY stands up for you, it hurts like hell. It makes me feel like people don't really care...


Whatever. Point is, I shouldn't be letting WYATT get to me. But I do anyway. Because I'm hella sensitive.
And I'm just gonna have to live with it. Because he's a part of Sarah's and Ryan's lives.
And as much as I wish I didn't, I will always have respect for him because he treats them well.

Everything I Use To Be...

I use to be a good girl.
I was always different, but I always had pure thoughts and beliefs.
I came up with my own morals when I was, like, 5.
Those stuck with me until I moved here.
Those morals were:
"I will NEVER drink alcohol. I don't care how much people say when I turn 21 I will. I WON'T."
"I will NEVER do drugs. OF ANY SORT. It's stupid and fucks up your life."
"I will NEVER have sex before marriage. Any kind of sex." (I got a purity ring after that came along.)
What did that turn into?
I had my first drink of alcohol the summer going into Sophomore year. And wasn't scared to drink more. So I did. I never got drunk, but I drank.
I started smoking weed May 25th. 2011. And turned into a HUGE stoner.
I haven't had sex, because I still believe in no sex before marriage... Kind of. I've had SOME experience in the sexual world, but that meant nothing because the guy ended up ruining a big part of my life. I didn't even love him. It was just a passion-in-the-moment type deal. But we were friends with SOME benefits... AND NOW.
Now I have exceptions to the "no sex" thing. At first, it was, no matter who I meet, if they love me enough, they'll wait. But... Now it's ME I have to worry about. Ryan is amazing and I love him with everything in me. We both admitted that we are sexually attracted to each other. But I'm trying so hard to keep my hormones intact. He's 18, anyway. Technically, that's illegal since I'm still a minor.
Ugh.

My childhood consisted of this:
I've always been a tomboy. Never wore makeup. Listened to all types of music, but 80% of it was always rock. Whether it be skater, punk rock, alternative rock, hardcore rock, metal, etc.... Rock has always been my favorite.
I grew up with 3 older brothers. Kyle, Alex and Josh. Alex is my favorite person ever. I love him to death. I grew up with them as mentors. They showed me most of my music I still listen to. We use to play video games together, ride bikes, play basketball/football/baseball/soccer together. We use to adventure through the woods, and hang out, climbing trees and pretending we were soldiers in the army.
We had a field behind our house in Oregon City where there was a HUGE grass hill. We use to run and slide down that all the time. Got ridiculous grass and dirt stains on our clothes and skin.
We use to have dirt clod fights.
Going camping was the best part of my childhood.
Literally, it's like my brothers raised me.
I am who I am today because of them. Everything I just explained, is SO me. I would still do ANY of that in a heart beat.
Hell, sometimes we still do some of those things.
I love my brothers.

I moved here. And things changed.
I still am who I use to be.
But I wear makeup now. I'm emo and I try to be a scenester. I'm still a rocker, my style shows some of that side of me. I started smoking and drinking. I get in trouble FAR too much. I'm going through Depression. I started failing classes. I am naturally a rebellious person. I love breaking rules. I love the rush of possibilities of getting caught. I intimidate people because I'm not afraid to throw a punch, and I have a loud voice with an extensive vocabulary.

Before I moved here, I was a rocker girl with a loud voice and a less used, extensive vocabulary. I had those old morals. I never broke rules. I was always a do-gooder. I've always been a tough girl, when it comes to fighting. I've never been scared of getting hit, or hitting someone. I've only been in one fight, because I try to not be like that. But if I have to, I will. I use to get good, or, decent grades. I dressed like a prep.

Then I moved here, and it brought out the true me.
I'M happy with it.
But I wonder how my family thinks of it.
I know my brothers love it! But what about my mom?
What about my dad...?

Who knows.... But honestly, I'm glad this is who I am. I finally managed to expose who I truly am inside.
Mackenzie helped me with that a lot.


I honestly don't know what this post means... I just felt like venting my recent thoughts. This is what my mind's been circling around the past few days.

I Love You

Those 3 words...
Mean the world to me.
Every time you say them, I get chills.
Every time you call me "baby" or tell me how much you miss me... I get butterflies...
Sometimes when you kiss me, it's almost impossible for me to pull away from you.
Sometimes it hurts when you stop hugging me.
Sometimes you're all I think about, and when I realize you're not actually with me, my heart shatters.
I love you with everything in me.
Being around you makes me feel at peace, even when I'm Depressed.
Feeling your presence brings me a sense of calmness... Even when things go to chaos.
You're everything to me.
I've only loved one other person apart from you. That was Steven Seekell. The guy who gave me my first kiss.
But he doesn't even come CLOSE to comparing with you.
You make me so happy.
Despite our fights and arguments, you mean so much to me.
We've already made it through so much together.
I know we can make it through more.
You make me feel special.
You make me feel important.
You make me feel beautiful.
(All of which, are really hard to do, so that's an accomplishment.)

And to be honest, sometimes I get thoughts that scare me... Those thoughts are about my love for you and how strong it is.
It scares me how much I feel for you.
And to be even MORE honest, sometimes I get thoughts of wanting to make love with you....
I'm only 15, barely 16. I NEVER thought I would love anybody enough to make me feel like you do.

You're my world.
Nobody truly understands how much I love you and care for you.
All I want out of this relationship, is for us to be happy together.
TRULY happy.
Baby...
I don't know how else to say it.
I love you.

Glad You Can Find Humor In My Sufferring....

Thanks... I thought you were my friend. And you saw how hopeless and desperate I was on Monday when we got caught.
You saw how bad I was crying. You saw me panic. You saw how scared I was.
And now you're laughing at me.
So much for "friends".
At least one of us finds amusement in my pain...

Taylor

Taylor Lucas... I have one word for you: SMILE!!
That word is like our friendship phrase now.
You're a great friend to me.
No matter what mood I'm in, you always manage to make me laugh.
I love that you're not afraid to be yourself. You're weird and hilarious, and kind of inspiring.
I love sitting by you in math. You make it so much more bearable, since almost everyone else in that class despises me.
You're fun to be around and hang out with.
We can sit in silence, and it's not awkward.
You find amusement in tickling me, no matter how much I jerk away from you.
Oh well. Getting tickled really doesn't bother me too much.
It's nice to know you're just trying to see me smile.
You stay by my side, even when I'm being annoyingly Depressed and negative.
Like I said in Jared's post... I know it gets tedious. But you put up with me anyway.
All you have to do is say "SMILE!" and you never fail. It doesn't matter what mood I'm in. It WILL make me smile. And you know that.
I'm so thankful that you put so much effort into making me happy.
I love you, Taylor. You're a great friend.

Colton

We have grown apart.
Only a little, but enough to make an impact.
We're best friends. Brother and sister until the end.
Everyone thinks we are dating, but we try to make it clear that we aren't.
I've spent the night at your house several times, the nights where we play video games and watch Scrubs.
We talk about everything.
We have pointless AND real conversations.
I cherish our memories of baking cookies and pretend fighting in your kitchen.
I finally understood why everyone thought we were together. It's because we aren't afraid to show our brother-sisterly love for each other. We go through town acting like idiots, joking around and talking with random phrases and accents that nobody but us understands.
You're one of my best friends and I'm so glad we became so close.
I'm sad that I can't smoke anymore though. It was a great bonding experience, for everyone involved.
I love you, Colton! You dork.
You're a cool kid. I hope we can still remain close friends.

Codie

My birthday buddy!!
That's how we became friends.
Freshman Orientation. We were playing some kind of game, ordering ourselves by age. We had the same birthday, April 18th. From there on, we were friends.
You were my second friend I met, after Evan Rickards. You also introduced me to Jared.
Similar to my relationship with Sarah, I'm so glad we managed to remain friends when my relationships with all of your other friends died off.
I just couldn't be around them anymore. They were preppy and judgemental. There was no connection. You and Sarah are the only 2 I am still SOLID friends with.
Though we don't really hang out outside school, I love you dearly.
You've been an amazing friend that I can go to when I need someone.
Whether it's when I'm Depressed or when I'm bouncing off the walls happy.
You're there to make me happy and keep me smiling.
We talk about pointless shit, but we always find SOMETHING to talk about.
I hope we can spend more time together, because I really do value you as a friend.
I love you, Codie.

Jake

We've only been friends for a few months.
But you're one of my closest friends now.
Not only are you hilarious and fun to be around, but you're easy to talk to.
I can open up to you and know that everything is kept between US.
We can talk about absolutely nothing, but talk for hours on end.
You're an awesome person, and I am SO thankful to have you.
As much as I try to express that to you, you just don't understand it.
One thing we have in common: we question why people care so much about us.
But Jake, you mean a lot to me.
And even though you might be unaware of most occassions, you've gotten me through a lot.
You're a great friend, in every definition of the word.
You're there for me when I'm sad and need to vent.
You're there when I need a confidence boost, and you're not afraid to tell me I'm beautiful, even though we're just friends.
You're there when I'm bored and just want someone to talk to.
You're there when I'm happy.
You're there when I'm lonely.
We have more in common than most people think, and we've become really good friends.
Thank you for everything you do for me, Jake.
You really are an awesome friend and I love you for that.

Sarah

Girl, we've had some memories all right.
I don't think we've ever had a fight...
We never argue about anything.
All we ever do is talk, and laugh about pointless shit.
You're one of my best friends. And no matter what anyone thinks of us, I know we'll be close forever.
You're beautiful and you need to gain some confidence.
But then you're gonna say the same towards me..
Sarah... We are weird as fuck, but we have no shame.
We have an unending list of inside jokes that make NO sense to anybody else.
A simple movement of the arm can make us crack up to tears.
You're always there for me to make me smile when I'm in need.
You're always there to make me laugh.
You're always there to share my sadness, because we go through so many similar events.
I love you and I am so happy I met you.
I'm relieved that our friendship lasted, even though my friendship with everyone else around us, died.
I'm glad you stayed by my side.
I love that we can have rants, our what we named it, "Story Time".
It's when we can get our emotions out and vent our thoughts, knowing NO judgement is being recieved.
You're one of my best friends. I love you, Sarah.

Jared

You're an awesome guy.
We've DEFINITELY had our ups and downs.
But no matter what happens, you're like my brother.
You've been there for me since I moved to Sisters. You were my third friend I met.
You have anger problems, and I know how sensitive you are.
Despite it all, I love you and you'll always be like family.
You've gotten me through so much shit that I've lost track of it all.
You mean more to me than you know. I wish it was easier to tell you things I need to, but I'm always scared you'll get angry.
But at the same time, that's what helps me... When you get mad, I stop doing stupid shit.
You came over last night. You were the first person I've seen in 5 days. It was nice to have someone over. Someone I don't have to worry about entertaining. We can just chill in my room, watching TV and feel natural.
No awkwardness, and I love that.
But you know when the right times to talk are. You were concerned, because I was not being my usual self.
I told you what was happening, and you got me through it.
You gave me reasons to smile for the first time in 5 days.
Jared, thank you for being there for me all the time. I know it gets tedious and annoying.
But I'm extremely thankful to have you in my life.
I love you, bro.

Mackenzie

You're my best friend.
You've been there for me through think and thin.
We've been through enough that should have, and tried to, demolish our friendship.
But you always came back.
You always let me know that you care about me.
For whatever reason, you're still in my life.
I've never been so grateful.
I don't deserve to have you still talking to me.
You should be bitching at me, telling me what a fuck up I know I am.
But you don't.
Instead, you look past all the hardships, you see ME. And you accept me, with all of my many faults.
You give me chance after chance, and I kept messing it up.
I won't do it again.
You mean so much to me and I can't afford to lose you.
You are the reason I have a relationship with God... If it weren't for you, I would have given up a long time ago.
Mackenzie Ehr... I love you. You're like a sister to me. And I'm so lucky to have you around.
And you'll never understand that.
You've turned me into who I always was on the inside.
You brought out my confidence (what little of it I have)
You brought out my REAL style.
You taught me how to have no shame in being who I am.
And sometimes I don't know who that is, but you accept me anyway.
Thank you. You've become one of my closest friends. I love you dear.

27

A number that shouldn't mean anything to me. But now it's taken on a whole new meaning.
Who knew that getting caught smoking would lead me here.
It led me through Depression, anxiety, loneliness, and despair. The new definition of Hell is now February 6th-8th.
Those 3 days were the worst of my life, minus the day I found out about my father's issue.
I went through every stage of Depression in 5 days.
Self-loathing, and sadness.
Numb, nothingness.
Acceptance to what I've done.
Looking forward to the future, when it will be over.
Watching my inner demon come to the surface yet again, making itself known in 2 ways.
I drew a picture.... And it was something I barely remember drawing.
It's something I'm going to burn so I never see it again.
I wish it was as easy as that to get rid of the marks on my leg.
My right upper thigh now has 27 new scars... All from the same 10 minutes.

A brand new razor... I cut it up so it looked like an ordinary razor, but I could use it as my tool. When my deed was done, I shoved it in my drawer, under 2 shirts I never wear anymore.

I got arrested.
Probation and community service.
Honesty w/ mom = more trouble.
Drug tests every month.
27 New cuts.
Losing friends.
My Life Is Turning To Hell.

First real date = success. I love my boyfriend and my friends.

My brain turned on. I started realizing a lot. Way too much to handle in one day. I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR MACKENZIE AND SARAH. Thank you for keeping me alive..

Lost In The Woods by Taproot is perfectly explaining me right now. Repeat button, God bless you.