Trying So Hard Not To Cry

Last night, Ryan got me out of my Depression... Donny helped a little, too.
But I realized now, that I wish they didn't. I wish they would have let me suffer for a while, so I could have figured all this out on my own, without Mackenzie having to tell me.

I was right.
I wasn't just thinking those thoughts because I was Depressed... I was Depressed because those thoughts were true.

This is exactly why I love Mackenzie so much.... She knows who I need to be. She knows who I CAN be...
And who I AM being.... is not that person...

I owe it to her to be the person I truly am inside.
I owe it to Ryan.
I owe it to Cassidy.
I owe it to my family.
I owe it to everyone else in my life.
But most importantly, I owe it to God.

I can't keep acting like this. I've always been a rebellious kid who looked for excitement...
I can't be that anymore.

I am a good person inside... But I'm a bad person on the outside.

It's time to get my life straightened out.
I'm restarting.

This is the part where I fix what needs to be fixed and throw out what needs to be thrown out.
I'm starting fresh.
No dad.
No partying. (except on SPECIAL occasions.)
No excuses.
No empty promises.

Things in my life are going to change, and I KNOW this is going to be emotional and hard to succeed in, but I have to.
I HAVE to start being a real person.
I have to stop running away from my issues and hiding behind marijuana.

I can't keep setting myself up for failure. or trouble.
I have AMAZING people in my life that I want to KEEP in my life.
So I need to stop being this person.

I've been through a lot in my life.
I'm going to go through more.
But I can't give in.
If I do, I deserve every bit of punishment I get, which includes all the people I will lose.

But I'm testing myself now. I'm testing my ability to stay strong and be true to who I am.

Now, by the end of this post, the title is invalid. Because Mackenzie's message made me cry so bad.
It's time to start over.
Wish me luck.
And please stay by my side.