I Really Hate It When...

My boyfriend brings up college... He does it a lot. Like, most of the time it's small little things like what he just did. He was watching a movie about college... God I hate that fucking word. And he knows that. Sometimes I wish he'd lie to me about what he's doing, so he doesn't have to tell me that.

I really do hate it. I HATE talking about it and if I can avoid it, I will.
But he will not stop bringing it up.

I just wish he'd understand that I don't want to talk about it.
I love Ryan. I love him with everything in me, and I don't want him to leave me!!
But he hasn't given me a solid answer about whether or not he IS going to stay with me or not.
He says he's gonna stay with me as long as possible...
That's still not a solid answer, so I'm still TERRIFIED that he's gonna leave me once he leaves for college...
I am so scared.
I don't want him to leave... And I don't want him to break up with me...
I love him with everything in me.
If he leaves me, I'm gonna be crushed... And honestly, I'm already preparing myself for it.
Sarah and I already made plans about graduation and what we're gonna do about it.
We're going to Codie's to watch sad, sappy movies and eat ice cream as we all bawl our eyes out.
Which will probably go on for more than just one day.
Ugh.
I don't want him to leave....
I don't know what I'm gonna do if he leaves me...

I'm so scared... I can't even describe it... It's become my #1 fear...

I need Ryan...
I've never loved someone as much as I love him... If he leaves, ugh... It's probably gonna be like last year, when I found out about my dad going to jail... I'm gonna isolate myself again... Which means cutting, and not talking to ANYBODY. I probably won't even talk to Sarah or Mackenzie...
I'm gonna feel so alone that nobody cane make me feel better until I can manage to move on from it...

I have to post this, because it's the deepest thing in my heart right now, and I know Sarah and even Mackenzie at this point, will understand and feel the same way, in their own situations and such...
I just hope Ryan doesn't read this... Because then he's gonna feel bad. And I don't want him to feel forced to stay with me.. Because he's not...

I just want him to stay with EVERYTHING in me...