If I moved there, I would be closer to Sarah, Ryan, and Jared.
And a bunch of other people.
Life could actually be easier.
I could walk to their houses. I could be with them whenever. Even if my mom said no. I could leave and go be with them anyway.
And not to mention Summer would then be a living Heaven.
God. Get me out of this house. Get me to Tollgate. Where I can be with my friends and my boyfriend.
The only downside, is my stoner friends live in town. But the plus side to THAT, is there are NO cops in Tollgate. Like, ever. And even when there are, it is SO easy to hide in Tollgate. And I could have people on every corner I could go to.
Apart from that, tomorrow is April Fool's Day and I'm actually really worried. I'm hanging out with Ryan and Sarah. Who knows what they'll do to me separately. And those two... They probably have something planned together.
God dammit. I'm scared. And guess who fell asleep when I asked him to stay up until I passed out?
Yep... Ryan.
When I need him. Now I gotta fall asleep somehow. I think I'm in for another sleepless night. Or at least, one that will be full of tossing and turning, bad dreams, and waking up every hour.
Yay...
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Home - Three Days Grace... So relevant ONCE AGAIN
Truth is, the lyrics to that song are perfect yet again for my life.
I hate my house. This is absolutely NOT my home.
This is where I sleep.
This is where I have to be when I can't be anywhere else.
My HOME... That's with the people who love me. My friends. My boyfriend.
People who TRULY care about me. Not those who pretend like they do because they have to... Meaning, my parents. Actually, correction... My mom and Jimmy.
My dad cares about me...
I am NOT going to talk about him right now though. I'm crying enough as it is.
I'm talking to Ryan and it's literally taking everything in me to not scream out my emotions.
I'm constantly getting chills because I've reread his last text about 27 times... "Baby baby baby, what am I gonna do with you? :) i love you, and no matter what, im not going to let you go."
That means so much more to me than he knows.
Right now, I just want to be anywhere but here... In this house. I haven't felt at home here since mom and Jimmy left for Vegas and were gone for a week...
Ever since they came back, I've felt trapped here. I haven't told anyone that.
Because nobody will understand.
Sarah's dad asked me if I didn't want to go home when I was at their house the other night. I cried and said "no. I don't want to go home..."
That's the first time in a while I've let out emotion about living at my house.
I can't handle this anymore. It's SO much more than just this house, but honestly, if I lived somewhere else, I'd be WAY happier than I am here.
If I didn't live with my mom.... I'd be a MUCH happier person.
Someone get me out. Please. For the love of God.
I hate my house. This is absolutely NOT my home.
This is where I sleep.
This is where I have to be when I can't be anywhere else.
My HOME... That's with the people who love me. My friends. My boyfriend.
People who TRULY care about me. Not those who pretend like they do because they have to... Meaning, my parents. Actually, correction... My mom and Jimmy.
My dad cares about me...
I am NOT going to talk about him right now though. I'm crying enough as it is.
I'm talking to Ryan and it's literally taking everything in me to not scream out my emotions.
I'm constantly getting chills because I've reread his last text about 27 times... "Baby baby baby, what am I gonna do with you? :) i love you, and no matter what, im not going to let you go."
That means so much more to me than he knows.
Right now, I just want to be anywhere but here... In this house. I haven't felt at home here since mom and Jimmy left for Vegas and were gone for a week...
Ever since they came back, I've felt trapped here. I haven't told anyone that.
Because nobody will understand.
Sarah's dad asked me if I didn't want to go home when I was at their house the other night. I cried and said "no. I don't want to go home..."
That's the first time in a while I've let out emotion about living at my house.
I can't handle this anymore. It's SO much more than just this house, but honestly, if I lived somewhere else, I'd be WAY happier than I am here.
If I didn't live with my mom.... I'd be a MUCH happier person.
Someone get me out. Please. For the love of God.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Had A Slight Breakdown Today
I really miss Ryan. I knowwww he's on his way home RIGHT now and I'm gonna see him tomorrow. But STILL.
I fucking miss him. And I've BEEN missing him for a week now.
It hurts my heart when he's not around.
Especially for times like earlier when I needed him. (And right now...)
I thought it was just every day Depression kicking in after thinking about my dad while watching Secret Life.
Then when Sarah asked what it was that was bothering me, I realized it was a lot more and I couldn't hold it in until her dad walked in and I had no choice.
Cassidy... I haven't seen her since last summer and that is killing me... I miss her to death.
Also about Cassidy... I'm SO scared that she won't like hanging out with me anymore because we're SO different now.
Mackenzie was pissed off a lot and that was stressing me out because I thought I had done something wrong. (We just got that cleared up, so we're fine.. But I was still sad about it earlier.)
I realized why being at Sarah's was so relieving for me. It's not just because she's my best friend, but it's also because I HATE being at my house. I HATE IT. My mom stresses me out DAILY. And frankly, my house is no fun to be in. So, I like avoiding my house and my parents. Sarah's was kinda my safe haven for break...
Also, my ipod is STILL gone. I'm almost positive Jimmy's friend JC stole it. There's no way in hell it could be charging when I leave and the next day when I come home, be totally gone. Like, NOWHERE in the house.
I need music more than anything else in my life. So that's been like my main emotional toll.
And Ryan's been gone... I don't even have to explain anything there....
There's a lot more, too. It's just all this stuff that I've been holding in that I shouldn't have.
I'm tired of crying. But it keeps happening.
I'm even happy right now, and Sarah simply saying "He'll be home soon baby doll. <3" made me cry. I'm soooooo unstable right now. I need Ryan. And it's driving me crazy. Tomorrow is too far away.
He hasn't contacted me all day and I am so stressed...
I want to stay up and wait for him to come home and talk to me, but I know that will just make my emotions worse. So I'm going to bed soon. Because I need to stop psyching myself out and making myself cry.
I fucking miss him. And I've BEEN missing him for a week now.
It hurts my heart when he's not around.
Especially for times like earlier when I needed him. (And right now...)
I thought it was just every day Depression kicking in after thinking about my dad while watching Secret Life.
Then when Sarah asked what it was that was bothering me, I realized it was a lot more and I couldn't hold it in until her dad walked in and I had no choice.
Cassidy... I haven't seen her since last summer and that is killing me... I miss her to death.
Also about Cassidy... I'm SO scared that she won't like hanging out with me anymore because we're SO different now.
Mackenzie was pissed off a lot and that was stressing me out because I thought I had done something wrong. (We just got that cleared up, so we're fine.. But I was still sad about it earlier.)
I realized why being at Sarah's was so relieving for me. It's not just because she's my best friend, but it's also because I HATE being at my house. I HATE IT. My mom stresses me out DAILY. And frankly, my house is no fun to be in. So, I like avoiding my house and my parents. Sarah's was kinda my safe haven for break...
Also, my ipod is STILL gone. I'm almost positive Jimmy's friend JC stole it. There's no way in hell it could be charging when I leave and the next day when I come home, be totally gone. Like, NOWHERE in the house.
I need music more than anything else in my life. So that's been like my main emotional toll.
And Ryan's been gone... I don't even have to explain anything there....
There's a lot more, too. It's just all this stuff that I've been holding in that I shouldn't have.
I'm tired of crying. But it keeps happening.
I'm even happy right now, and Sarah simply saying "He'll be home soon baby doll. <3" made me cry. I'm soooooo unstable right now. I need Ryan. And it's driving me crazy. Tomorrow is too far away.
He hasn't contacted me all day and I am so stressed...
I want to stay up and wait for him to come home and talk to me, but I know that will just make my emotions worse. So I'm going to bed soon. Because I need to stop psyching myself out and making myself cry.
Things Are Changing... I Have A Bad Feeling About It
I know this person is changing a lot. They are treating everyone differently.. I have a bad feeling that I am at risk of not knowing who that person is anymore... I hope they don't change too much. I hope everything can be normal and we can continue our normal day to day life.
Oh well... Apart from that, things are GREAT. Spring Break was a great relaxation period for me and Sarah.
Ryan's coming home today. He'll be home late, so I get to see him tomorrow!! I am SO stoked. Ryan, Sarah and I are gonna have an AWESOME weekend. This will be a great ending to a wonderful Spring Break. I get to hang out with my boy and my best friend. We're gonna have so much fun. I am legitimately excited. <3
School, however... I DO NOT WANT TO DEAL WITH ANYMORE.
I want summer. I want to move to Cali with Sarah and Ryan already. Fuck Sisters.
Oh well... Apart from that, things are GREAT. Spring Break was a great relaxation period for me and Sarah.
Ryan's coming home today. He'll be home late, so I get to see him tomorrow!! I am SO stoked. Ryan, Sarah and I are gonna have an AWESOME weekend. This will be a great ending to a wonderful Spring Break. I get to hang out with my boy and my best friend. We're gonna have so much fun. I am legitimately excited. <3
School, however... I DO NOT WANT TO DEAL WITH ANYMORE.
I want summer. I want to move to Cali with Sarah and Ryan already. Fuck Sisters.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Can I Bitch A Little Bit?
Here are the things currently bothering me.
- My boyfriend decides it's a good idea to tease me and make me want him really bad when he's gone, AND THEN GO TO SLEEP EARLY AND LEAVE ME FEELING LIKE THAT. Thanks, babe. LOVE YOU TOO.
- We just went out and TPd someone's house and that's literally ALL the adrenaline I'm allowed to have tonight. Which sucks because now I'm in "bad girl" mode and want to get drunk or something but I can't. COOL.
- I want summer to come here more than anything in the world. I have SO much excitement planned and I really don't think I can wait that long... UGH. Can we PLEASE fast forward time? That'd be awesome!
That is all. I just had to talk about it. MEH.
Saturday, Sunday and Monday
IF I can hang out on Sunday...
Those 3 days will be VERY interesting.
I will admit, I'm HELLA nervous. But I trust my boyfriend.
I know he'll love me even when he sees how unattractive my body is.
I KNOW I'm gonna get shy about it... I already am. I know when I'm in person with him, I'm gonna be really shy about it. But oh well.
I'll get over it...
I hope.
God, I just miss him. I want him to come home and be with me again. I want him back.
It makes me so sad that he's gone. I wanna know that he's not far away in case anything happens and I need him. but the truth is, he's a LONG way away. And I know it's only for 2 more days... But still.
It hurts.
At least Saturday, Sunday and Monday will be fun with the three of us (me, him and Sarah) spending time together and hanging out.
I'm really excited. I just wish it could come sooner.
Those 3 days will be VERY interesting.
I will admit, I'm HELLA nervous. But I trust my boyfriend.
I know he'll love me even when he sees how unattractive my body is.
I KNOW I'm gonna get shy about it... I already am. I know when I'm in person with him, I'm gonna be really shy about it. But oh well.
I'll get over it...
I hope.
God, I just miss him. I want him to come home and be with me again. I want him back.
It makes me so sad that he's gone. I wanna know that he's not far away in case anything happens and I need him. but the truth is, he's a LONG way away. And I know it's only for 2 more days... But still.
It hurts.
At least Saturday, Sunday and Monday will be fun with the three of us (me, him and Sarah) spending time together and hanging out.
I'm really excited. I just wish it could come sooner.
Being At Sarah's For Spring Break Is Great
It's REALLY nice to get away from everyone else. All the stress and problems. It's just really tiring and obnoxious.
So, being away from home is good.
I like hanging out with Sarah and goofing off and watching movies.
Fun times.
Cassidy can't come down... :(
So that SERIOUSLY sucks... BUT, I get to hang out with Sarah all the time and see Ryan too!
The three of us are gonna hang out for the rest of break.
I can't wait for him to be back on Saturday.
Spring Break has been fun and relaxing.
The rest will be even better because I get to hang out with my best friend AND my boy.(:
So, being away from home is good.
I like hanging out with Sarah and goofing off and watching movies.
Fun times.
Cassidy can't come down... :(
So that SERIOUSLY sucks... BUT, I get to hang out with Sarah all the time and see Ryan too!
The three of us are gonna hang out for the rest of break.
I can't wait for him to be back on Saturday.
Spring Break has been fun and relaxing.
The rest will be even better because I get to hang out with my best friend AND my boy.(:
Simply Because I Said I Would
Black shadowbox, with purple-red on top and coontailed bangs. Can't WAIT to get bitched at by my mother... haha.
Since I can't smoke or drink til my community service is over, Sarah and I have decided that this is my one rebellious decision of the month. Cool.
Oh well. She'll be pissed, but I LOVE my hair. Finally, I got my look. Scenester by a happy accident, bitches.(:
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Dyed My Hair
I am finally a legit scenester.
Thanks to Sarah's accident...
A mistake became a brilliant thing that makes me happy. (THANKFULLY)
We went through a lot of laughs and a lot of stress tonight. haha.
My brown is no longer showing.
I have veryyy red hair with a black shadowbox, plus my blond bands are now coon-tailed.
Yep. Finally got the scenester LOOK. Now all that's left is the scenester BODY.
I'll probably post a picture tomorrow for all to see. But right now, I'm tired. And I'm still sore from the 10 hour workout yesterday.
Time for bed. Good night everyone!!
Thanks to Sarah's accident...
A mistake became a brilliant thing that makes me happy. (THANKFULLY)
We went through a lot of laughs and a lot of stress tonight. haha.
My brown is no longer showing.
I have veryyy red hair with a black shadowbox, plus my blond bands are now coon-tailed.
Yep. Finally got the scenester LOOK. Now all that's left is the scenester BODY.
I'll probably post a picture tomorrow for all to see. But right now, I'm tired. And I'm still sore from the 10 hour workout yesterday.
Time for bed. Good night everyone!!
She Will Be Loved - Maroon 5
Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else
I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved
Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore
It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along, yeah
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls
Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
(in the background)
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
Yeah
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Try so hard to say goodbye
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else
I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved
Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore
It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along, yeah
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls
Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
(in the background)
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
Yeah
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Try so hard to say goodbye
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
I'm Really Happy.(:
I have an incredible relationship with the guy I'm head over heels in love with.(:
He treats me like I'm important, or special...
He's amazing. I love him with everything in me.
Not only do I have an incredible relationship with my boyfriend, but this Spring Break is going decently well, even if he IS out of the country...
I've spent the entire thing so far with Sarah. We've been hanging out and having fun working out and watching movies.(:
Also, HOPEFULLY Cassidy is still coming down... But I don't think she can anymore..
But if she can, that just makes things WAYYYY BETTER.
I get to hang out with Mackenzie and Brogin when they get back from the beach, and to top it all off, I get to spend all day with Ryan next Monday.(:
And then guess what? We're back to school. Yippie.
BUT, as it so happens, right now, I'm happy. I've been smiling a LOT more.(:
He treats me like I'm important, or special...
He's amazing. I love him with everything in me.
Not only do I have an incredible relationship with my boyfriend, but this Spring Break is going decently well, even if he IS out of the country...
I've spent the entire thing so far with Sarah. We've been hanging out and having fun working out and watching movies.(:
Also, HOPEFULLY Cassidy is still coming down... But I don't think she can anymore..
But if she can, that just makes things WAYYYY BETTER.
I get to hang out with Mackenzie and Brogin when they get back from the beach, and to top it all off, I get to spend all day with Ryan next Monday.(:
And then guess what? We're back to school. Yippie.
BUT, as it so happens, right now, I'm happy. I've been smiling a LOT more.(:
(Ryan, pay no attention to this.) SARAH. Remember these? Oh, OLD radio love songs.(:
Yes. These are not the normal music I listen to. But GOD they are so relevant.
"Perfect Two" - Auburn
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lLvtydTM78&feature=related
"T-Shirt" - Shontelle
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87nMGOleI-E
"Next To You" - Jordin Sparks
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=How80IHtAUU&feature=related (Sarah, this one is perfect for you.)
"Crush" - David Archuleta
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLQ_S3OXJo8&feature=related
"Perfect Two" - Auburn
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lLvtydTM78&feature=related
"T-Shirt" - Shontelle
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87nMGOleI-E
"Next To You" - Jordin Sparks
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=How80IHtAUU&feature=related (Sarah, this one is perfect for you.)
"Crush" - David Archuleta
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLQ_S3OXJo8&feature=related
Gotta Love Those Arrogant People Who Think They're Better Than Everyone Else Around
That's pretty much all I got.
I'm frustrated with them.
But I'm also happy as hell. Ryan's the best thing that's ever happened to me. At least SOME people are happy for me.(: This is why I love my friends.
I'm frustrated with them.
But I'm also happy as hell. Ryan's the best thing that's ever happened to me. At least SOME people are happy for me.(: This is why I love my friends.
Monday, March 26, 2012
The More I Talk To My Boyfriend
The more I realize how much he truly loves me.
He actually wants to be with me.
He enjoys being around me, but not only that, he enjoys being around me enough to marry me.
I love him more and more each day. <3
He actually wants to be with me.
He enjoys being around me, but not only that, he enjoys being around me enough to marry me.
I love him more and more each day. <3
Sunday, March 25, 2012
I MISS MY BOY
It's been a day and a half.
Ryan makes me so happy. But when he's gone, I get so sad.
I'm in a super cuddly-sleep together mood.
And he's not hereee, because he's out of the country on vacation.
Can I please just have my boyfriend?
I want to give him all the happiness he deserves.
I want to cuddle up with him, and just talk about whatever.
I want him to tickle me because I know he's doing it to make me smile.
I want him to hold me close to him and tell me he loves me.
I want to listen to his heart beat and be surrounded by his presence.. Meaning his body, his love, his smell.. Everything about him.
So here I am... Once again, curled up in his shirt, wearing the necklace he gave me, re-reading the notes he wrote me, old texts, old messages... Remembering what we've been through to get to where we're at.
It's a journey I'm prepared to continue through, successfully and happily.
Ryan said if we can keep our love alive, we can be the happiest couple alive.
And I know he's right. <3
Ryan makes me so happy. But when he's gone, I get so sad.
I'm in a super cuddly-sleep together mood.
And he's not hereee, because he's out of the country on vacation.
Can I please just have my boyfriend?
I want to give him all the happiness he deserves.
I want to cuddle up with him, and just talk about whatever.
I want him to tickle me because I know he's doing it to make me smile.
I want him to hold me close to him and tell me he loves me.
I want to listen to his heart beat and be surrounded by his presence.. Meaning his body, his love, his smell.. Everything about him.
So here I am... Once again, curled up in his shirt, wearing the necklace he gave me, re-reading the notes he wrote me, old texts, old messages... Remembering what we've been through to get to where we're at.
It's a journey I'm prepared to continue through, successfully and happily.
Ryan said if we can keep our love alive, we can be the happiest couple alive.
And I know he's right. <3
Ryannn...(:
Babe, you make me so happy.
You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I can't wait for us to continue through our relationship.
I am so glad that you finally asked me out.
I'm so relieved that you and Sarah are friends.
I love that you are CONSTANTLY doing the things that you know make me happy, and most of the time you aren't even thinking about it.
You and I are perfect for each other. You know it. I know it. Sarah knows it. And so many other people know it too.
We can be the cute couple when we're all cuddly and loving towards eachother.
We can be goofy, idiotic dumbasses together and laugh at/with each other.
We can be serious and silent, the entire time reading each other's eyes and movements.
We can argue and have issues that frustrate us.
We can be playful and joke around with each other.
I LOVE YOU. Because you're everything I want. And everything I need. You're more than I deserve. <3
You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I can't wait for us to continue through our relationship.
I am so glad that you finally asked me out.
I'm so relieved that you and Sarah are friends.
I love that you are CONSTANTLY doing the things that you know make me happy, and most of the time you aren't even thinking about it.
You and I are perfect for each other. You know it. I know it. Sarah knows it. And so many other people know it too.
We can be the cute couple when we're all cuddly and loving towards eachother.
We can be goofy, idiotic dumbasses together and laugh at/with each other.
We can be serious and silent, the entire time reading each other's eyes and movements.
We can argue and have issues that frustrate us.
We can be playful and joke around with each other.
I LOVE YOU. Because you're everything I want. And everything I need. You're more than I deserve. <3
My World Has Changed Drastically... I've Never Been Happier
I don't think I can say anything that would amount to the way my boyfriend makes me feel.
I don't give two shits about what anyone else thinks about Ryan and me.
I love him. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone.
Some of the best feelings ever are when the person you love most in this world tell you that they love you. When they say they will NEVER leave you and, the most recent one that has made me shed hundreds of tears today, is him saying he wants to marry me.
I've decided 21... Yep. After I turn 21, we can get married. It's all about when Ryan chooses to propose...
Listen, I understand I'm almost 16 and that's still young as fuck.
But if any of you guys understood how Ryan and I are together, you would not judge us.
You'd probably be like Sarah and encourage, and support it.
If half of you guys knew what happened today.... You'd understand my squealing/crying fits.
Ryan... I can't say anything...
Except
I. Absolutely. LOVE YOU.
I don't give two shits about what anyone else thinks about Ryan and me.
I love him. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone.
Some of the best feelings ever are when the person you love most in this world tell you that they love you. When they say they will NEVER leave you and, the most recent one that has made me shed hundreds of tears today, is him saying he wants to marry me.
I've decided 21... Yep. After I turn 21, we can get married. It's all about when Ryan chooses to propose...
Listen, I understand I'm almost 16 and that's still young as fuck.
But if any of you guys understood how Ryan and I are together, you would not judge us.
You'd probably be like Sarah and encourage, and support it.
If half of you guys knew what happened today.... You'd understand my squealing/crying fits.
Ryan... I can't say anything...
Except
I. Absolutely. LOVE YOU.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
I Think I Want To Be With Him More Than He Wants To Be With Me
I'm holding on to his words right now.
"I will never make you live without me.", "I will never leave you."
The only thing I can do is believe him, and pray to God that he is not lying to me...
That's all I can say right now. My head is telling me to not think about anything, except having a good time with Kenzie.
I'm going to Sarah's tonight to spend the night. We're going to the gym tomorrow. Perfect timing because I have a lot of emotions I can get out.
That's all I can say right now. My head is telling me to not think about anything, except having a good time with Kenzie.
I'm going to Sarah's tonight to spend the night. We're going to the gym tomorrow. Perfect timing because I have a lot of emotions I can get out.
The Tears Are Back
God.. I've NEVER been clingy towards anyone like this.
I don't understand why I can't just tell myself that it's okay and believe it.
Seriously. He said good night and I started crying again. I hate when we stop talking. It hurts me so badly.
I've gotten into this state of mind that whenever he leaves, he won't come back. It's almost every time.
When he leaves to do homework... When he falls asleep. When we have to go to class in school.
At least at school I can hold on to him... He's starting to catch on about how I feel.
I'm so clingy... I'm so scared when he leaves.
He just promised me he won't make me live without him..
But I can't believe him... As much as I want to. I am way too paranoid.. So many people have left before.. So many people have lied to me before... SO many people have hurt me before.
I don't want to keep going through this every night...
It's like every night, my heart gets broken.
I know this is ridiculous. But I don't know how to fix it. As soon as he says he has to go, my heart drops and my stomach clenches.
I hate feeling like he won't come back..
So here I am... ONCE again... Crying way too much over something that I shouldn't be shedding tears over to begin with...
I love you, Ryan. I'm sorry I'm so pathetic and unreasonable.
I don't understand why I can't just tell myself that it's okay and believe it.
Seriously. He said good night and I started crying again. I hate when we stop talking. It hurts me so badly.
I've gotten into this state of mind that whenever he leaves, he won't come back. It's almost every time.
When he leaves to do homework... When he falls asleep. When we have to go to class in school.
At least at school I can hold on to him... He's starting to catch on about how I feel.
I'm so clingy... I'm so scared when he leaves.
He just promised me he won't make me live without him..
But I can't believe him... As much as I want to. I am way too paranoid.. So many people have left before.. So many people have lied to me before... SO many people have hurt me before.
I don't want to keep going through this every night...
It's like every night, my heart gets broken.
I know this is ridiculous. But I don't know how to fix it. As soon as he says he has to go, my heart drops and my stomach clenches.
I hate feeling like he won't come back..
So here I am... ONCE again... Crying way too much over something that I shouldn't be shedding tears over to begin with...
I love you, Ryan. I'm sorry I'm so pathetic and unreasonable.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Skillet. Your Music Is Amazing.
The Last Night. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jP0Ne9aW7UI
One Day Too Late. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNEC735juI4&feature=related
Never Surrender. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIgwZybtruQ&feature=related
Comatose. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXELGdRU3Cs&feature=related
Hero. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRkIQ1Djlbs&feature=related
Forgiven. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8CkEbto2L0
One Day Too Late. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNEC735juI4&feature=related
Never Surrender. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIgwZybtruQ&feature=related
Comatose. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXELGdRU3Cs&feature=related
Hero. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRkIQ1Djlbs&feature=related
Forgiven. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8CkEbto2L0
I Can't Always Be Strong
My wrist shows that.
My leg shows that.
I messed up. At least these won't scar because only 3 bled.
Apparently the skin on my wrist is harder to make bleed than it use to be.
I'm sorry Ryan.
I'm sorry Sarah.
My leg shows that.
I messed up. At least these won't scar because only 3 bled.
Apparently the skin on my wrist is harder to make bleed than it use to be.
I'm sorry Ryan.
I'm sorry Sarah.
Beyond The Point Of Frustration
That's an understatement. I'm pissed. I'm FURIOUS.
Seriously, I am crying because I'm so fucking mad.
- I was in an awesome mood and I find out that the sport I hate with all my heart got my boyfriend hurt. It just makes me hate it that much more.
- Ryan stopped responding so I have no idea what even happened.
- He's RIGHT. EVERYONE and EVERYTHING is keeping us apart. FUCK. I'm so tired of it. I'm done with this shit. I'm tired of things getting in the way. NOBODY understands what Ryan means to me, and frankly, it seems like the world is against us. We get NO time together. And it's gone from making me sad to pissing me off.
- I'm so fucking emotional. Letting him go to class today was so hard. For some reason I felt like if I let go of him, he wouldn't fucking come back. I almost started crying right there, but I held it back so he wouldn't see it. And Wyatt talked to him, and all of a sudden I got SO protective. I wrapped my arms around him and clung myself to him so he wouldn't leave... As if Wyatt has power over us.
- Ryan's leaving for break so I can't be with him at all.
SO much is going on. I'm so pissed.
I'm bawling my eyes out right now. I'm frustrated, Depressed, and feeling sick to my stomach.
Can I Just Say Something?
Lacrosse....
I. Absolutely. Fucking. Hate. You.
You keep stealing mine and Sarah's boys from us. NOT COOL, BRO. NOT COOL.
I'm pretty sure that's against the mothahfucking bro code. And if not, IT FUCKING IS NOW.
Even SARAH is mad at you. That's like, HOLY HELL. SARAH IS MAD AT LAX... THIS SHOULD BE IN THE WORLD RECORDS BOOK.
Point is, LACROSSE, FUCK. OFF.
Every time I REALLLLLLLLLLYYYY want to be with my boyfriend, YOU take him from me and rip him out of my hands.
Not acceptable.
I just want my boy. That's all I want. THANKS.
I. Absolutely. Fucking. Hate. You.
You keep stealing mine and Sarah's boys from us. NOT COOL, BRO. NOT COOL.
I'm pretty sure that's against the mothahfucking bro code. And if not, IT FUCKING IS NOW.
Even SARAH is mad at you. That's like, HOLY HELL. SARAH IS MAD AT LAX... THIS SHOULD BE IN THE WORLD RECORDS BOOK.
Point is, LACROSSE, FUCK. OFF.
Every time I REALLLLLLLLLLYYYY want to be with my boyfriend, YOU take him from me and rip him out of my hands.
Not acceptable.
I just want my boy. That's all I want. THANKS.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
I Can Feel The Tears Coming
These are good tears, though..
Tears of realization..
The realization that my boyfriend actually loves me. He feels towards me, how I feel towards him.
He actually has feelings and love towards me, and he loves me for WHO I AM. He accepts me for all of my faults.
I love Ryan. I can't explain it.
He's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Everything he says about me makes me feel amazing.
He actually loves me... That's all I can think... It keeps running through my mind... HE ACTUALLY LOVES ME.
I've never been so happy in my life.(:
Tears of realization..
The realization that my boyfriend actually loves me. He feels towards me, how I feel towards him.
He actually has feelings and love towards me, and he loves me for WHO I AM. He accepts me for all of my faults.
I love Ryan. I can't explain it.
He's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Everything he says about me makes me feel amazing.
He actually loves me... That's all I can think... It keeps running through my mind... HE ACTUALLY LOVES ME.
I've never been so happy in my life.(:
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
I Am So Deeply In Love
I have never felt like this before.
It's amazing to have someone in your life who can make you this happy.
I just got done talking with my incredible boyfriend. He really has no idea how great he is.
He doesn't give himself enough credit, but seriously, he's perfect for me. I don't know what I'd do without him.
I love that I can be so open and honest with him. We can be REAL with eachother and there's nothing wrong with it. We accept each other for who we are.
Not only can we be real, but we can goof on and be idiots together too. I LOVE having a playful relationship. We can cuss at each other one minute and then be kissing the next. I know he loves me. And it's the most amazing feeling ever to know that the guy you love, actually loves you back.
Today, I told Ryan about some of the things he does that I love!
Examples: When he calles me baby, says he loves me, hugs me from behind, squeezes me tighter, etc.
I was really honest with him today about things I like about him.
And he liked hearing it. Like I said, he has no idea how great of a boyfriend he is.
All of my friends are happy for us, and a lot of his are too, even though they give him shit for it. (Eh, they're guys. What do you expect?)
I've gotten SO many comments from people saying we're cute together. It's a great feeling hearing that from people. It's just even MORE reassurring that we belong together.
Ryan, I love you. And I want you to know that you're everything to me. I know we barely get ANY time together outside school, which is killing us, but the wait will be worth it, when we CAN be together. It makes those moments even more special.
When we're together, we're practically inseperable. I hate that things like going to class can tear us apart.
We're both so excited for Summer because that's when we can actually spend time together.
It'll be amazing. <3 I know that because 1. It's summer. and 2. All of my time spent with you, is amazing.
Even when we're saying goodbye. Which we both know I can't stand.
Like every other couple, Ryan and I have issues. We're don't have a perfect relationship and we'll both be the first people to say so. Our emotions get in the way a lot, we argue, and fight every now and then... But the great thing is that our love surpasses it all and gets us through it. In the end, we get through everything together. Because we know we love each other too much to let anything get in the way. Whether it be an internal or external force. We love eachother.
One of the best moments as a couple, I think, is right after a gentle kiss and we open our eyes to look at eachother. It's that split second when the world freezes, and it's just us. That's one of my favorite moments.
I love Ryan. And if we were older, I would love to marry him and be together until death do us part.
But as for now, him being 18, and me almost 16... I couldn't be happier with where we're at.
Our love has grown and I can feel it getting stronger each day. My friends can see it happening, too.
Maria says we use to play "cat-and-mouse", flirting with each other without realizing we were.
Apparently in the Radio room, everytime I looked away, he would look at me, and vice versa.
I remember back to those days when every little glimpse towards me that I caught, made me smile.
I couldn't help but look at him all the time. He made me happy even before I fell in love with him.
There is one day I remember specifially... I was really Depressed that day and I walked into Radio late. I had been crying, and I'm sure my eyes showed that. I walked in, and saw Ryan. We shared a look for an instant, and I couldn't look at him any more. I saw he was concerned, but I couldn't face him. So, Trevor and I stood outside the Radio room and he asked me what was going on, so I told him everything really fast, so I wouldn't break down crying again. I remember Maria coming out and saying something about Ryan. But when I turned around to respond to her, Ryan was approaching to talk to us, and I froze. So I just left and took a walk around the school. I doubt he remembers any of this. But that day, I swore he loved me, even before he truly did.
My point is, I use to be this random little Sophomore girl he barely knew. He cared about me, but I was just another girl. And now look at us. We're totally in love with each other. We've been together for 2 months and we couldn't be happier. (Unless we could spend more time together outside school, that is.)
I don't know. This post was just a lot of random thoughts about how much I love my boyfriend. I've been writing this for a while, and I SHOULD have been doing homework. I was talking to Ryan all day though, and frankly, that was more important to me than grades.
What else is new?
I should be getting to sleep soon.. I'm so tired and I've been having a lot of issues sleeping recently.
I wish Ryan were here. I would love to curl up on his chest and sleep soundly, with his heartbeat in my ear, and his arms wrapped firmly around my body. There, he would hold me close and whisper an "I love you" to me as I let myself drift to sleep, surrounded by his presence. <3
I love you, Ryan. Goodnight. I hope you're dreaming of me, because I know I'll dream of you tonight. <3
It's amazing to have someone in your life who can make you this happy.
I just got done talking with my incredible boyfriend. He really has no idea how great he is.
He doesn't give himself enough credit, but seriously, he's perfect for me. I don't know what I'd do without him.
I love that I can be so open and honest with him. We can be REAL with eachother and there's nothing wrong with it. We accept each other for who we are.
Not only can we be real, but we can goof on and be idiots together too. I LOVE having a playful relationship. We can cuss at each other one minute and then be kissing the next. I know he loves me. And it's the most amazing feeling ever to know that the guy you love, actually loves you back.
Today, I told Ryan about some of the things he does that I love!
Examples: When he calles me baby, says he loves me, hugs me from behind, squeezes me tighter, etc.
I was really honest with him today about things I like about him.
And he liked hearing it. Like I said, he has no idea how great of a boyfriend he is.
All of my friends are happy for us, and a lot of his are too, even though they give him shit for it. (Eh, they're guys. What do you expect?)
I've gotten SO many comments from people saying we're cute together. It's a great feeling hearing that from people. It's just even MORE reassurring that we belong together.
Ryan, I love you. And I want you to know that you're everything to me. I know we barely get ANY time together outside school, which is killing us, but the wait will be worth it, when we CAN be together. It makes those moments even more special.
When we're together, we're practically inseperable. I hate that things like going to class can tear us apart.
We're both so excited for Summer because that's when we can actually spend time together.
It'll be amazing. <3 I know that because 1. It's summer. and 2. All of my time spent with you, is amazing.
Even when we're saying goodbye. Which we both know I can't stand.
Like every other couple, Ryan and I have issues. We're don't have a perfect relationship and we'll both be the first people to say so. Our emotions get in the way a lot, we argue, and fight every now and then... But the great thing is that our love surpasses it all and gets us through it. In the end, we get through everything together. Because we know we love each other too much to let anything get in the way. Whether it be an internal or external force. We love eachother.
One of the best moments as a couple, I think, is right after a gentle kiss and we open our eyes to look at eachother. It's that split second when the world freezes, and it's just us. That's one of my favorite moments.
I love Ryan. And if we were older, I would love to marry him and be together until death do us part.
But as for now, him being 18, and me almost 16... I couldn't be happier with where we're at.
Our love has grown and I can feel it getting stronger each day. My friends can see it happening, too.
Maria says we use to play "cat-and-mouse", flirting with each other without realizing we were.
Apparently in the Radio room, everytime I looked away, he would look at me, and vice versa.
I remember back to those days when every little glimpse towards me that I caught, made me smile.
I couldn't help but look at him all the time. He made me happy even before I fell in love with him.
There is one day I remember specifially... I was really Depressed that day and I walked into Radio late. I had been crying, and I'm sure my eyes showed that. I walked in, and saw Ryan. We shared a look for an instant, and I couldn't look at him any more. I saw he was concerned, but I couldn't face him. So, Trevor and I stood outside the Radio room and he asked me what was going on, so I told him everything really fast, so I wouldn't break down crying again. I remember Maria coming out and saying something about Ryan. But when I turned around to respond to her, Ryan was approaching to talk to us, and I froze. So I just left and took a walk around the school. I doubt he remembers any of this. But that day, I swore he loved me, even before he truly did.
My point is, I use to be this random little Sophomore girl he barely knew. He cared about me, but I was just another girl. And now look at us. We're totally in love with each other. We've been together for 2 months and we couldn't be happier. (Unless we could spend more time together outside school, that is.)
I don't know. This post was just a lot of random thoughts about how much I love my boyfriend. I've been writing this for a while, and I SHOULD have been doing homework. I was talking to Ryan all day though, and frankly, that was more important to me than grades.
What else is new?
I should be getting to sleep soon.. I'm so tired and I've been having a lot of issues sleeping recently.
I wish Ryan were here. I would love to curl up on his chest and sleep soundly, with his heartbeat in my ear, and his arms wrapped firmly around my body. There, he would hold me close and whisper an "I love you" to me as I let myself drift to sleep, surrounded by his presence. <3
I love you, Ryan. Goodnight. I hope you're dreaming of me, because I know I'll dream of you tonight. <3
I Hate Feeling Vulnerable
For some reason, I'm actually scared of something right now.
I have NO idea what it is, like I said in my last post.
But I have a bad feeling.
And I HATE it. Feeling vulnerable is one of the worst feelings ever, to me.
I'm use to feeling strong. But when I get like this, I feel like ANYTHING can get to me.
I hate that my mom wouldn't let Ryan come over today... He could calm me down.
He's good at protecting me and making me feel safe.
It's just SO frustrating that I don't understand why I feel safe right now, in my own house? What the hell is going on with me?
I have NO idea what it is, like I said in my last post.
But I have a bad feeling.
And I HATE it. Feeling vulnerable is one of the worst feelings ever, to me.
I'm use to feeling strong. But when I get like this, I feel like ANYTHING can get to me.
I hate that my mom wouldn't let Ryan come over today... He could calm me down.
He's good at protecting me and making me feel safe.
It's just SO frustrating that I don't understand why I feel safe right now, in my own house? What the hell is going on with me?
Why Do I Have This Bad Feeling In The Pit Of My Stomach?
It's the same feeling I get when I'm scared. Like when something bad is gonna happen. Except this is less severe.
I'm getting a little worried.
Because I have NO idea why I feel like this..
I'm in a good mood, but I have a bad feeling... I'm not sure what it's about though... It's making me really uncomfortable here though...
Ugh. I wish Ryan could be with me and reassure me that I'm fine.
I'm getting a little worried.
Because I have NO idea why I feel like this..
I'm in a good mood, but I have a bad feeling... I'm not sure what it's about though... It's making me really uncomfortable here though...
Ugh. I wish Ryan could be with me and reassure me that I'm fine.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Yup. This Is TOTALLY Normal...
I just got back from a run.
God. Damn.
Running for an hour in the rain is exhausting.
Then I saw a cop. God. He probably thought I was doing something wrong, considering I am wearing all black and was running around town. He drove so slow around me. Fuck off, piggy, I'm doing nothing wrong!
Anyways. I'm exhausted. I'm literally just chilling in my room in my bra and basketball shorts.
Weird? Yes. But eh. It feels good. haha. My room feels like it's boiling.
I'm attempting to straighten up my room.
Avoiding dinner..
We have steak, WHY AM I NOT EATING IT?
I don't know, honestly. I should WANT to. But for some reason, I really don't want to eat ANYTHING right now. Something's gone wrong inside of me. haha.
Oh well. I'm gonna do some pushups and crunches, take a shower, and then sit around and listen to music until Ryan messages me (If he does), after his lax game.
Gonna do this for the rest of the week until I go to the gym with Sarah. (See 2 posts down. :p)
God. Damn.
Running for an hour in the rain is exhausting.
Then I saw a cop. God. He probably thought I was doing something wrong, considering I am wearing all black and was running around town. He drove so slow around me. Fuck off, piggy, I'm doing nothing wrong!
Anyways. I'm exhausted. I'm literally just chilling in my room in my bra and basketball shorts.
Weird? Yes. But eh. It feels good. haha. My room feels like it's boiling.
I'm attempting to straighten up my room.
Avoiding dinner..
We have steak, WHY AM I NOT EATING IT?
I don't know, honestly. I should WANT to. But for some reason, I really don't want to eat ANYTHING right now. Something's gone wrong inside of me. haha.
Oh well. I'm gonna do some pushups and crunches, take a shower, and then sit around and listen to music until Ryan messages me (If he does), after his lax game.
Gonna do this for the rest of the week until I go to the gym with Sarah. (See 2 posts down. :p)
Cassidy will be here a week from TOMORROW.(:
I couldn't be more excited!! But I'm also really nervous...
I haven't seen my best friend since summer time...She's my only real PREPPY friend.
I love her to death, and she is SO accepting of me and my style. Even if I am.... Eccentric? Unique? What's the right word for it?
Hmm, I don't know.
But we are both really accepting of each other... I knew she'd accept my friends.. But she's worried that my friends will be less accepting of her... That they will judge her because she's not into all the same things as us and she's, well, A PREP.
I really hope my friends like her.. I known Mackenzie and Brogin do... But I need everyone else to...
Cassidy means more to me than about 3/4 of the people I know combined.
She's my BEST friend.
I've known her for 11 years.
I pray to GOD that everyone here is accepting of her and makes her feel welcome so we can have an awesome week!!
I can't wait to see her!! I miss her so much!
I haven't seen my best friend since summer time...She's my only real PREPPY friend.
I love her to death, and she is SO accepting of me and my style. Even if I am.... Eccentric? Unique? What's the right word for it?
Hmm, I don't know.
But we are both really accepting of each other... I knew she'd accept my friends.. But she's worried that my friends will be less accepting of her... That they will judge her because she's not into all the same things as us and she's, well, A PREP.
I really hope my friends like her.. I known Mackenzie and Brogin do... But I need everyone else to...
Cassidy means more to me than about 3/4 of the people I know combined.
She's my BEST friend.
I've known her for 11 years.
I pray to GOD that everyone here is accepting of her and makes her feel welcome so we can have an awesome week!!
I can't wait to see her!! I miss her so much!
G-Y-M
Monday and Tuesday are workout days with Sarah as a way to start Spring Break.(:
I'm stoked. Why?
Because I need to get in shape.
I need to get a hot body. haha.
Mackenzie will hear me out, and I don't care how mad Sarah or Ryan get at me for saying I'm not attractive. FUCK OFF.
I'm not and you both know it.
Soooo, Monday and Tuesday the gym is open from 8am to 7pm.... Yeah, we'll be there pretty much the entire time. (Or at least until I'm about to pass out.) haha.
I'm gonna push myself like I use to when I was on the basketball team.
I'm use to pushing myself further than I need to in order to be successful.
That should come easily. I just better fucking find my iPod first. If I don't have music, it is going to be SO difficult for me. Sarah does NOT have my music. And I have PERFECT workout music.
Like Disturbed, Eminem, my hip hop and shit I dance to, and the song Remember The Name by Fort Minor, Soldiers by Otherwise, Kick Ass by Egypt Central, etc.
I have music I NEED in order to work out all day long. My iPod disappeared off the face of the earth, so this could be potentially problematic.
I've already been doing push ups and crunches every night.
Plus, this summer, Mackenzie and I have a plan for working out all summer and getting the bodies we want.
We're gonna be GORGEOUS next year. We'll both be skinnier, and have long scenester hair.
STOKED.
I can't wait to actually have CONFIDENCE for once.(:
I'm stoked. Why?
Because I need to get in shape.
I need to get a hot body. haha.
Mackenzie will hear me out, and I don't care how mad Sarah or Ryan get at me for saying I'm not attractive. FUCK OFF.
I'm not and you both know it.
Soooo, Monday and Tuesday the gym is open from 8am to 7pm.... Yeah, we'll be there pretty much the entire time. (Or at least until I'm about to pass out.) haha.
I'm gonna push myself like I use to when I was on the basketball team.
I'm use to pushing myself further than I need to in order to be successful.
That should come easily. I just better fucking find my iPod first. If I don't have music, it is going to be SO difficult for me. Sarah does NOT have my music. And I have PERFECT workout music.
Like Disturbed, Eminem, my hip hop and shit I dance to, and the song Remember The Name by Fort Minor, Soldiers by Otherwise, Kick Ass by Egypt Central, etc.
I have music I NEED in order to work out all day long. My iPod disappeared off the face of the earth, so this could be potentially problematic.
I've already been doing push ups and crunches every night.
Plus, this summer, Mackenzie and I have a plan for working out all summer and getting the bodies we want.
We're gonna be GORGEOUS next year. We'll both be skinnier, and have long scenester hair.
STOKED.
I can't wait to actually have CONFIDENCE for once.(:
Monday, March 19, 2012
I Wonder How Much My Posts Annoy People
Seriously. I'm like the only person who is constantly posting shit on their blog.
I can't help but wonder who I just annoy with all of my rants.
I doubt anyone reads all of them anyway. :p
I can't help but wonder who I just annoy with all of my rants.
I doubt anyone reads all of them anyway. :p
REALLY? EVERY TIME?
Am I SERIOUSLY gonna cry every time he says good night to me before I go to sleep?
Fuck.
I'm so annoyed with my emotions.
I hate how god damn sensitive I am.
It's like my heart breaks every time I stop talking to him.
Literally. These tears need to stop.
Otherwise I'm FUCKED when he goes to college.
I need to learn to be okay when I'm not talking to him. FUCK. What is WRONG with me?
But, despite EVERYTHING I just said, I'm still crying. Fuck this pain. It's so unreasonable.
Fuck.
I'm so annoyed with my emotions.
I hate how god damn sensitive I am.
It's like my heart breaks every time I stop talking to him.
Literally. These tears need to stop.
Otherwise I'm FUCKED when he goes to college.
I need to learn to be okay when I'm not talking to him. FUCK. What is WRONG with me?
But, despite EVERYTHING I just said, I'm still crying. Fuck this pain. It's so unreasonable.
You Think You Don't Say It Enough... I Think I Probably Say It Too Much
But I'm gonna say it anyway.
I LOVE YOU. Ryan, I love you so much.
You make me so happy. You make me SHY. You're the ONLY person who can do that. You're the only person I have EVERY been shy around.
You almost said good night to me a second ago. God. I got the stomach-sinking feeling again. :(
I hate this.
WE GET NO TIME TOGETHER.
My phone broke, and you''re always busy.
I'm so tired of this. I just want to be with my boyfriend. </3
I LOVE YOU. Ryan, I love you so much.
You make me so happy. You make me SHY. You're the ONLY person who can do that. You're the only person I have EVERY been shy around.
You almost said good night to me a second ago. God. I got the stomach-sinking feeling again. :(
I hate this.
WE GET NO TIME TOGETHER.
My phone broke, and you''re always busy.
I'm so tired of this. I just want to be with my boyfriend. </3
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Ryan, I Hope We Last... I Hope We Last For A Long Time
The best thing about our relationship, is that we're like normal best friends when we goof off and joke around, but when we have our sincere moments of passion, we share the love that we have for each other.
We're the playful, but completely loving couple. And everyone thinks we're cute together too, so that's a plus.(:
You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. You make me happy. Happier than any other guy can/has. Nobody can touch my heart like you do. You can say the simplest things that make me fall even more in love with you. You can read when I'm not feeling okay, through text, through the slightest voice change, thtough my body movement. It's weird. You can feel it when something's off.
And then I'm like, hypnotized, because you pay attention the the small things that matter... Nobody else has ever taken time to study me like you do.
Baby... I know we're still young and you're going to college next year.. (Ugh.. That damned word..)
But honestly, I love you so much... I wish we were older and coulld live together happily... Then eventually in the future, maybe we could get married, and actually have a future together...
I really do love you more than anyone. You're my everything. You're my reason. You're my hope... <3
We could be high school sweethearts. And have an incredible life together.
I wonder if you ever think about that... I do, a lot. I've literally had a few dreams about us being married and living together.
I know we have a long way to go. And I'm ready. I hope you are.
I love you with everything in me. And taking on the world together, is something I crave. I just want to be with you. Forever. But because you hate that word, I'll change it.
I want to be with you for as long as physcially possible. Because dying of old age by your side, seems better than dying alone, or with someone else...
I can't imagine being with anyone else... You're the one for me.. I just hope I'm the one for you. <3
I really wish I knew your deeper thoughts about stuff like this... About everything.. I hope one day you'll open up to me. <3 I love you, Ryan.
We're the playful, but completely loving couple. And everyone thinks we're cute together too, so that's a plus.(:
You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. You make me happy. Happier than any other guy can/has. Nobody can touch my heart like you do. You can say the simplest things that make me fall even more in love with you. You can read when I'm not feeling okay, through text, through the slightest voice change, thtough my body movement. It's weird. You can feel it when something's off.
And then I'm like, hypnotized, because you pay attention the the small things that matter... Nobody else has ever taken time to study me like you do.
Baby... I know we're still young and you're going to college next year.. (Ugh.. That damned word..)
But honestly, I love you so much... I wish we were older and coulld live together happily... Then eventually in the future, maybe we could get married, and actually have a future together...
I really do love you more than anyone. You're my everything. You're my reason. You're my hope... <3
We could be high school sweethearts. And have an incredible life together.
I wonder if you ever think about that... I do, a lot. I've literally had a few dreams about us being married and living together.
I know we have a long way to go. And I'm ready. I hope you are.
I love you with everything in me. And taking on the world together, is something I crave. I just want to be with you. Forever. But because you hate that word, I'll change it.
I want to be with you for as long as physcially possible. Because dying of old age by your side, seems better than dying alone, or with someone else...
I can't imagine being with anyone else... You're the one for me.. I just hope I'm the one for you. <3
I really wish I knew your deeper thoughts about stuff like this... About everything.. I hope one day you'll open up to me. <3 I love you, Ryan.
Can I Stop Crying Now? I'm Gonna See Him Tomorrow. What The Fuck Is Wrong With Me?
God.
He goes to bed.
And I'm laying in bed, stifling sobs while talking to Sarah on Facebook and listening to music.
Jesus Christ, I can't belive how unstable I am.
The sinking feeling is gone now. And my tears are finally starting to dry. I can feel myself getting tired.
Thank God.
Now I can dream about him until tomorrow morning when I get to see him. <3
He goes to bed.
And I'm laying in bed, stifling sobs while talking to Sarah on Facebook and listening to music.
Jesus Christ, I can't belive how unstable I am.
The sinking feeling is gone now. And my tears are finally starting to dry. I can feel myself getting tired.
Thank God.
Now I can dream about him until tomorrow morning when I get to see him. <3
He Loves The Most Pathetic Person Alive
Why? God, I don't know.
He has given me reasons, yeah.
But damn, dude.
Do you not understand how paranoid, emotional and pathetic I am?
Paranoid:
I'm ALWAYS psyching myself out. I'm constantly thinking I'm saying or doing the wrong thing. I always think I'm messing up and am ruining shit. I keep letting myself think that things are worse than they are. Like when we fight, you're gonna leave me because you'll realize how fucked up I truly am and you won't want to deal with me anymore.
Emotional:
God. Do you realize how easy it is to make me cry? When people insult my music, I almost start crying sometimes. When people call me a whore, same thing... (Except Sarah. I know she's joking.)
And every time you say goodnight or stop texting me to do homework, I cry. Almost EVERY TIME.
Pathetic:
When you say casual shit, I say "awh". I squeal like a little 5 year old when you send me sweet texts. When you call me baby, or say I'm cute or something, I get butterflies. Like, intense fucking butterflies.
You don't get it. And back to the emotional thing... I know I told you this about an hour and a half ago...
But seriously.
Every time you say you're going to text me later, my stomach DROPS. I get that horrible feeling like you do when you're about to cry. And then before I know it, I have tears streaming down my face.
Even when you're just saying goodnight and I'm not tired... It's because I know I have to stay up until I manage to pass out. I have to stay up wide awake and think about you, and not be able to talk to you.
It makes me feel like when you say goodbye for even the shortest period of time, it's like you're saying goodbye forever.
I get the worst feeling in my stomach and I start crying. It makes me sad. No matter WHAT we were talking about. It always makes me sad when you leave.
You love me. I love you.
But God damn. I wish we could go back to the 3pm to 3am conversations... So I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore..
But we can't do that until my phone's screen gets fixed. :(
He has given me reasons, yeah.
But damn, dude.
Do you not understand how paranoid, emotional and pathetic I am?
Paranoid:
I'm ALWAYS psyching myself out. I'm constantly thinking I'm saying or doing the wrong thing. I always think I'm messing up and am ruining shit. I keep letting myself think that things are worse than they are. Like when we fight, you're gonna leave me because you'll realize how fucked up I truly am and you won't want to deal with me anymore.
Emotional:
God. Do you realize how easy it is to make me cry? When people insult my music, I almost start crying sometimes. When people call me a whore, same thing... (Except Sarah. I know she's joking.)
And every time you say goodnight or stop texting me to do homework, I cry. Almost EVERY TIME.
Pathetic:
When you say casual shit, I say "awh". I squeal like a little 5 year old when you send me sweet texts. When you call me baby, or say I'm cute or something, I get butterflies. Like, intense fucking butterflies.
You don't get it. And back to the emotional thing... I know I told you this about an hour and a half ago...
But seriously.
Every time you say you're going to text me later, my stomach DROPS. I get that horrible feeling like you do when you're about to cry. And then before I know it, I have tears streaming down my face.
Even when you're just saying goodnight and I'm not tired... It's because I know I have to stay up until I manage to pass out. I have to stay up wide awake and think about you, and not be able to talk to you.
It makes me feel like when you say goodbye for even the shortest period of time, it's like you're saying goodbye forever.
I get the worst feeling in my stomach and I start crying. It makes me sad. No matter WHAT we were talking about. It always makes me sad when you leave.
You love me. I love you.
But God damn. I wish we could go back to the 3pm to 3am conversations... So I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore..
But we can't do that until my phone's screen gets fixed. :(
Ugh. Sometimes....
Lacrosse... Fuck off.
I'm tired of you stealing my boyfriend from me.
All I want is to be with him.
And you prevent that.
Thanksss...
I'm tired of you stealing my boyfriend from me.
All I want is to be with him.
And you prevent that.
Thanksss...
A Prophecy - Asking Alexandria
How stubborn are the scars when they won't fade away?
Or just a gentle reminder that now are better days?
We'll be home soon, so dry your eyes,
You'll be okay (you'll be okay!)
Oh my God!
The water is rising!
It's rising!
You just have to believe in me!
Failing that I'll ride this storm alone!
We can still make it out,
'Fuck'
I can help you through this,
But you have to take my hand!
I can take you home,
Take my hand,
Take my hand!
I should've known the tides were getting higher.
We can still survive.
They think we're drowning but our heads are still above the waves,
Above the waves.
(I should've known the tides were getting higher)
(We can still survive)
(Above the waves)
(I should've known the tides were getting higher)
(I should've known the tides were getting higher)
We can still survive!
You never said goodbye, goodbye![x4]
And now you're on your own!
You never said goodbye!
You never said goodbye, goodbye!
Or just a gentle reminder that now are better days?
We'll be home soon, so dry your eyes,
You'll be okay (you'll be okay!)
Oh my God!
The water is rising!
It's rising!
You just have to believe in me!
Failing that I'll ride this storm alone!
We can still make it out,
'Fuck'
I can help you through this,
But you have to take my hand!
I can take you home,
Take my hand,
Take my hand!
I should've known the tides were getting higher.
We can still survive.
They think we're drowning but our heads are still above the waves,
Above the waves.
(I should've known the tides were getting higher)
(We can still survive)
(Above the waves)
(I should've known the tides were getting higher)
(I should've known the tides were getting higher)
We can still survive!
You never said goodbye, goodbye![x4]
And now you're on your own!
You never said goodbye!
You never said goodbye, goodbye!
If I Wasn't Dating Ryan, I Wouldn't Care That My Phone Isn't Working
But because I AM dating Ryan, I CARE. I care a LOT.
He's the ONE person I NEED to talk to no matter what.
Especially while he's gone! I miss him and I want to talk to him SO bad.
Ugh. I'm so angry.
Mom says it'll cost $200 to replace my screen.
My heart hurts. I fucking miss my boyfriend!!
Missing someone is the worst feeling in the world. :(
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU CAN'T TALK TO THEM.
He's the ONE person I NEED to talk to no matter what.
Especially while he's gone! I miss him and I want to talk to him SO bad.
Ugh. I'm so angry.
Mom says it'll cost $200 to replace my screen.
My heart hurts. I fucking miss my boyfriend!!
Missing someone is the worst feeling in the world. :(
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU CAN'T TALK TO THEM.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Home Alone, With A Sharp Pain
I'm laying on my bed, with tears streaming down both of my eyes.
I tried distracting myself, but nothing is working.
My iPod is at Sarah's house in Tollgate.
I feel so alone... I feel like NOBODY wants to talk to me right now. Nobody wants to be around me.
Nobody wants anything to do with me.
I feel like Mackenzie wanted me to leave, so I left.
I feel like Ryan doesn't want to talk to me, which is why I have to texts and no replies to any of my messages on Facebook.
I feel like Sarah doesn't want to talk to me either, since she isn't responding too.
I don't know what to do. I almost started cutting again. But I stopped, because I know how upset Ryan would get if he found out.. Especially with him being gone and not being able to do anything about it...
My pillow is drenched in tears... At least all this crying will help get my emotions out...
But... Just like yesterday morning, I'm alone. And there's nothing anyone can do about it. I just have to take deep breaths, try to cope, and make it through this hurt.
I tried distracting myself, but nothing is working.
My iPod is at Sarah's house in Tollgate.
I feel so alone... I feel like NOBODY wants to talk to me right now. Nobody wants to be around me.
Nobody wants anything to do with me.
I feel like Mackenzie wanted me to leave, so I left.
I feel like Ryan doesn't want to talk to me, which is why I have to texts and no replies to any of my messages on Facebook.
I feel like Sarah doesn't want to talk to me either, since she isn't responding too.
I don't know what to do. I almost started cutting again. But I stopped, because I know how upset Ryan would get if he found out.. Especially with him being gone and not being able to do anything about it...
My pillow is drenched in tears... At least all this crying will help get my emotions out...
But... Just like yesterday morning, I'm alone. And there's nothing anyone can do about it. I just have to take deep breaths, try to cope, and make it through this hurt.
It Really Sucks When You Feel Unwanted
I don't know why I'm feeling so Depressed right now.
But I know Mackenzie doesn't want me here right now... And I KNOW Scout doesn't.
I seriously think I'm gonna break out crying soon.
I need to talk to Ryan but I fucking can't. I hate my damn phone. God. I seriously just want to break it, but that would make things even worse.
I want to go home, cry, and sleep.
I'm exhausted and I am so emotionally unstable right now.
But I know Mackenzie doesn't want me here right now... And I KNOW Scout doesn't.
I seriously think I'm gonna break out crying soon.
I need to talk to Ryan but I fucking can't. I hate my damn phone. God. I seriously just want to break it, but that would make things even worse.
I want to go home, cry, and sleep.
I'm exhausted and I am so emotionally unstable right now.
I Just Want To Talk To Ryan
My phone's touch screen fucking broke so I can't text him.
I'm feeling all emotional right now about certain things.
I just want my boyfriend... I wish he could come pick me up and be with me. I just need to be comforted.
But of course, even he wouldn't understand why.
Ugh. I'm so frustrated.
I'm feeling all emotional right now about certain things.
I just want my boyfriend... I wish he could come pick me up and be with me. I just need to be comforted.
But of course, even he wouldn't understand why.
Ugh. I'm so frustrated.
I Want To Post Something, But I Know I Can't....
Ugh... Maybe I should make a second blog for things that I need to post that I can't tell anybody else...
Or for things that I don't want others to know..
Like my deepest feelings about certain things..
Because I really want to vent right now. But for the time being, I have to stay quiet.
That sucks.
Sometimes I get on my blog, ready to post something, and then I stop because I remember that I can't.
Or for things that I don't want others to know..
Like my deepest feelings about certain things..
Because I really want to vent right now. But for the time being, I have to stay quiet.
That sucks.
Sometimes I get on my blog, ready to post something, and then I stop because I remember that I can't.
I Really Hate It When...
My boyfriend brings up college... He does it a lot. Like, most of the time it's small little things like what he just did. He was watching a movie about college... God I hate that fucking word. And he knows that. Sometimes I wish he'd lie to me about what he's doing, so he doesn't have to tell me that.
I really do hate it. I HATE talking about it and if I can avoid it, I will.
But he will not stop bringing it up.
I just wish he'd understand that I don't want to talk about it.
I love Ryan. I love him with everything in me, and I don't want him to leave me!!
But he hasn't given me a solid answer about whether or not he IS going to stay with me or not.
He says he's gonna stay with me as long as possible...
That's still not a solid answer, so I'm still TERRIFIED that he's gonna leave me once he leaves for college...
I am so scared.
I don't want him to leave... And I don't want him to break up with me...
I love him with everything in me.
If he leaves me, I'm gonna be crushed... And honestly, I'm already preparing myself for it.
Sarah and I already made plans about graduation and what we're gonna do about it.
We're going to Codie's to watch sad, sappy movies and eat ice cream as we all bawl our eyes out.
Which will probably go on for more than just one day.
Ugh.
I don't want him to leave....
I don't know what I'm gonna do if he leaves me...
I'm so scared... I can't even describe it... It's become my #1 fear...
I need Ryan...
I've never loved someone as much as I love him... If he leaves, ugh... It's probably gonna be like last year, when I found out about my dad going to jail... I'm gonna isolate myself again... Which means cutting, and not talking to ANYBODY. I probably won't even talk to Sarah or Mackenzie...
I'm gonna feel so alone that nobody cane make me feel better until I can manage to move on from it...
I have to post this, because it's the deepest thing in my heart right now, and I know Sarah and even Mackenzie at this point, will understand and feel the same way, in their own situations and such...
I just hope Ryan doesn't read this... Because then he's gonna feel bad. And I don't want him to feel forced to stay with me.. Because he's not...
I just want him to stay with EVERYTHING in me...
I really do hate it. I HATE talking about it and if I can avoid it, I will.
But he will not stop bringing it up.
I just wish he'd understand that I don't want to talk about it.
I love Ryan. I love him with everything in me, and I don't want him to leave me!!
But he hasn't given me a solid answer about whether or not he IS going to stay with me or not.
He says he's gonna stay with me as long as possible...
That's still not a solid answer, so I'm still TERRIFIED that he's gonna leave me once he leaves for college...
I am so scared.
I don't want him to leave... And I don't want him to break up with me...
I love him with everything in me.
If he leaves me, I'm gonna be crushed... And honestly, I'm already preparing myself for it.
Sarah and I already made plans about graduation and what we're gonna do about it.
We're going to Codie's to watch sad, sappy movies and eat ice cream as we all bawl our eyes out.
Which will probably go on for more than just one day.
Ugh.
I don't want him to leave....
I don't know what I'm gonna do if he leaves me...
I'm so scared... I can't even describe it... It's become my #1 fear...
I need Ryan...
I've never loved someone as much as I love him... If he leaves, ugh... It's probably gonna be like last year, when I found out about my dad going to jail... I'm gonna isolate myself again... Which means cutting, and not talking to ANYBODY. I probably won't even talk to Sarah or Mackenzie...
I'm gonna feel so alone that nobody cane make me feel better until I can manage to move on from it...
I have to post this, because it's the deepest thing in my heart right now, and I know Sarah and even Mackenzie at this point, will understand and feel the same way, in their own situations and such...
I just hope Ryan doesn't read this... Because then he's gonna feel bad. And I don't want him to feel forced to stay with me.. Because he's not...
I just want him to stay with EVERYTHING in me...
FUGITIVE
Something I love doing, is Commando.
Colton couldn't make it, so it wasn't exactly the same.
And Buzzy, Lara, Kylee, Matt and Ray ditched me... Sooo I thought I was gonna be with Sarah and Ross.
But Mackenzie came! She and I were a team. THAT'S IT.
It was so much fun!
We ran from the Coffee House to the Benson's and then from the Benson's, we went to Cuppa Yo.
It was amazing because we have awesome hiding skills.
I'm use to hiding from the cops, so it came naturally to me. And my adrenaline was going to, so it made it even better.(:
Mackenzie, dude, she is as good as I am at Fugitive. It's almost a shame that she doesn't NEED to be. haha. She could get away with so much shit. XD
But it's not important. Obviously.
We came so close to getting caught a few times. But we never did!
We made it to the house like 3rd to last, but we didn't get caught until we were on the Benson's road.
It was so much fun and then on our way back, we took a similar trail and made it to Cuppa Yo, like, second to last. So our only downfall is our speed. :p
I love Fugitive. It's such a fun experience and it's an awesome way to spend a Friday night.
Plus, it's helping me with my hiding skills.(:
Yeah, the great thing is that your rebellious side comes out and you pretend you're running from the police instead of YoungLife leaders.
It's fun. I enjoy it. Mackenzie liked it too.
And Cuppa Yo Frozen Yogurt made it even better. Then I came home with Mackenzie and slept over at her house. We were exhausted.
Colton couldn't make it, so it wasn't exactly the same.
And Buzzy, Lara, Kylee, Matt and Ray ditched me... Sooo I thought I was gonna be with Sarah and Ross.
But Mackenzie came! She and I were a team. THAT'S IT.
It was so much fun!
We ran from the Coffee House to the Benson's and then from the Benson's, we went to Cuppa Yo.
It was amazing because we have awesome hiding skills.
I'm use to hiding from the cops, so it came naturally to me. And my adrenaline was going to, so it made it even better.(:
Mackenzie, dude, she is as good as I am at Fugitive. It's almost a shame that she doesn't NEED to be. haha. She could get away with so much shit. XD
But it's not important. Obviously.
We came so close to getting caught a few times. But we never did!
We made it to the house like 3rd to last, but we didn't get caught until we were on the Benson's road.
It was so much fun and then on our way back, we took a similar trail and made it to Cuppa Yo, like, second to last. So our only downfall is our speed. :p
I love Fugitive. It's such a fun experience and it's an awesome way to spend a Friday night.
Plus, it's helping me with my hiding skills.(:
Yeah, the great thing is that your rebellious side comes out and you pretend you're running from the police instead of YoungLife leaders.
It's fun. I enjoy it. Mackenzie liked it too.
And Cuppa Yo Frozen Yogurt made it even better. Then I came home with Mackenzie and slept over at her house. We were exhausted.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
MUSIC
These songs are awesome.
I found them on a rock music channel on my TV.
Soo, pretty much, it's just a list of them.
I made this list in my phone so I could keep them until I can get them on my iPod.
But I thought I'd share them.
(The ones in italics are my ABSOLUTE favorites.)
Say It - Evan's Blue
Casual Sex - My Darkest Days
No Apologies - Sugar Red Drive
Gorgeous Nightmare - Escape The Fate
Open Your Eyes - Maylene And The Sons Of Disaster
Invincible - Adelitas Way
America - Deuce
This Is Gonna Hurt - Sixx AM
Hemorrhage (In My Hands) - Feul (THIS IS ACTUALLY AN OLD SONG THAT EVERYONE LOVES)
No Resolution - Seether
This Time It's Different - Evan's Blue
Savior - Anchored
Sooner Or Later - Breaking Benjamin
Through Glass - Stone Sour
Come On Over - Kenny Wayne Shepherd
Soldiers - Otherwise
California - Hollywood Undead
Sooner Or Later - Breaking Benjamin
Through Glass - Stone Sour
Come On Over - Kenny Wayne Shepherd
Soldiers - Otherwise
California - Hollywood Undead
Undead - Hollywood Undead
Bottoms Up - Nickelback
Broken Sunday - Saliva
Str8 To The Bottom - Weaving The Fate
Blame It On The Boom Boom - Black Stone Cherry
Bitch Came Back - Theory Of A Deadman
Hurricane - Theory Of A Deadman
Arlandria - Foo Fighters
Tattoo - Van Halen
By The Way - Red Hot Chili Peppers
Stand Up - James DurbinCold - Crossfade
Prove You Wrong - Crossfade
Bully - Shinedown
Thick As Thieves - Cavo
End Of My Rope - Trapt
Before I Forget - Slipknot
Prove You Wrong - Crossfade
Bully - Shinedown
Thick As Thieves - Cavo
End Of My Rope - Trapt
Before I Forget - Slipknot
16 Dollars - Volbeat
I Don't Believe - Kyng
New Tradition - Dark New Day
Buried Alive - Avenged Sevenfold
I Waited For You - Valora
My Heart Is Broken - Evanescence
Made Of Stone - Evanescence
Made Of Stone - Evanescence
Lonely Train - Black Stone Cherry
In My Blood - Black Stone Cherry
Stupify - Disturbed
Hell - Disturbed
Remember Everything - Five Finger Death Punch
Wasting My Time - Default
Dark Horses - Switchfoot
Get Up! - Korn/Skrillex
Prayer - Disturbed
Kick Ass - Egypt Central
V.E.N.O.M. - Pulled Apart By Horses
Blurry - Puddle Of Mudd
Addicted - Saving Abel
Skeletons - Dangerous New Machine
Sorry - Art Of Dying
Skeletons - Dangerous New Machine
Sorry - Art Of Dying
Trying To Help Him Again
I'm on a mission tomorrow.
I have to talk to Savannah for Eli.
I have absolutely no idea what I'm gonna say.
So that's what I'm trying to figure out now...
I can't hint that he was talking to me.. So I need to find a way to bring him up without sounding as if we've been talking about it...
I have to talk to Savannah for Eli.
I have absolutely no idea what I'm gonna say.
So that's what I'm trying to figure out now...
I can't hint that he was talking to me.. So I need to find a way to bring him up without sounding as if we've been talking about it...
Fuck You, Lacrosse
haha!
The damn tournament in Boise got cancelled, so I got all happy thinking I get more time with my boyfriend this week...
OH, NOPE.
THEY'RE GOING ANYWAY.
So as Ryan's out vacationing in Boise with his boys, I'm stuck here.
God, I hope Wyatt doesn't get to Ryan too much...
The damn tournament in Boise got cancelled, so I got all happy thinking I get more time with my boyfriend this week...
OH, NOPE.
THEY'RE GOING ANYWAY.
So as Ryan's out vacationing in Boise with his boys, I'm stuck here.
God, I hope Wyatt doesn't get to Ryan too much...
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Dance
Now obviously I can't post something like Cassidy would be able to.
She's an incredible dancer. She's got the PERFECT body, and some insane talent.
But I know where she's coming from.
Ever since I joined dance in 7th grade, I've loved it. I really wish I could have continued it. But I couldn't. Dance was no longer offered.
And Sisters doesn't have one either.
Sooo. After the 27th, which is my court date, I'm gonna talk to Pinky and everyone about petitioning for one.
Dance is a great release of emotions, just like singing is for me.
You can transfer all your energy into movements.
Dance is so much fun and it's a great way to spend your time.
Plus, it's a total workout. Especially hip hop.
I know so many people that would LOVE a dance team. Many of them, I don't even like, like Alisha, BUT I'm thinking about EVERYONE. Not just me. Dance brings everyone together anyway and I KNOW that great friendships can be formed. It's happened to me before and I've seen it happen with Cassidy and her team(s).
I'm excited. And I'm really motivated to do this. I hope it works.
As for now, I'm at home listening to music and dancing, since I'm home alone.(:
She's an incredible dancer. She's got the PERFECT body, and some insane talent.
But I know where she's coming from.
Ever since I joined dance in 7th grade, I've loved it. I really wish I could have continued it. But I couldn't. Dance was no longer offered.
And Sisters doesn't have one either.
Sooo. After the 27th, which is my court date, I'm gonna talk to Pinky and everyone about petitioning for one.
Dance is a great release of emotions, just like singing is for me.
You can transfer all your energy into movements.
Dance is so much fun and it's a great way to spend your time.
Plus, it's a total workout. Especially hip hop.
I know so many people that would LOVE a dance team. Many of them, I don't even like, like Alisha, BUT I'm thinking about EVERYONE. Not just me. Dance brings everyone together anyway and I KNOW that great friendships can be formed. It's happened to me before and I've seen it happen with Cassidy and her team(s).
I'm excited. And I'm really motivated to do this. I hope it works.
As for now, I'm at home listening to music and dancing, since I'm home alone.(:
We're The Perfect Two - Auburn (Cheesy, I know.. But I love it.)
You can be the peanut butter to my jelly
You can be the butterflies I feel in my belly
You can be the captain and I can be your first mate
You can be the chills that I feel on our first date
You can be the hero and I can be your side kick
You can be the tear that I cry if we ever split
You can be the rain from the cloud when it's stormin'
Or you can be the sun when it shines in the mornin'
Don't know if I could ever be
Without you cause boy you complete me
And in time I know that we'll both see
That we're all we need
Cause you're the apple to my pie
You're the straw to my berry
You're the smoke to my high
And you're the one I wanna marry
Cause you're the one for me (for me)
And I'm the one for you (for you)
You take the both of us (of us)
And we're the perfect two
We're the perfect two
We're the perfect two
Baby me and you
We're the perfect two
You can be the prince and I can be your princess
You can be the sweet tooth I can be the dentist
You can be the shoes and I can be the laces
You can be the heart that I spill on the pages
You can be the vodka and I can be the chaser
You can be the pencil and I can be the paper
You can be as cold as the winter weather
But I don't care as long as we're together
Don't know if I could ever be
Without you cause boy you complete me
And in time I know that we'll both see
That we're all we need
Cause you're the apple to my pie
You're the straw to my berry
You're the smoke to my high
And you're the one I wanna marry
Cause your the one for me for me (for me)
And I'm the one for you for you (for you)
You take the both of us of us (of us)
And we're the perfect two
We're the perfect two
We're the perfect two
Baby me and you
We're the perfect two
You know that I'll never doubt ya
And you know that I think about ya
And you know I can't live without ya
I love the way that you smile
And maybe in just a while
I can see me walk down the aisle
Cause you're the apple to my pie
You're the straw to my berry
You're the smoke to my high
And you're the one I wanna marry
Cause you're the one for me for me (for me)
And I'm the one for you for you (for you)
You take the both of us of us (of us)
And we're the perfect two
We're the perfect two
We're the perfect two
Baby me and you
We're the perfect two
You can be the butterflies I feel in my belly
You can be the captain and I can be your first mate
You can be the chills that I feel on our first date
You can be the hero and I can be your side kick
You can be the tear that I cry if we ever split
You can be the rain from the cloud when it's stormin'
Or you can be the sun when it shines in the mornin'
Don't know if I could ever be
Without you cause boy you complete me
And in time I know that we'll both see
That we're all we need
Cause you're the apple to my pie
You're the straw to my berry
You're the smoke to my high
And you're the one I wanna marry
Cause you're the one for me (for me)
And I'm the one for you (for you)
You take the both of us (of us)
And we're the perfect two
We're the perfect two
We're the perfect two
Baby me and you
We're the perfect two
You can be the prince and I can be your princess
You can be the sweet tooth I can be the dentist
You can be the shoes and I can be the laces
You can be the heart that I spill on the pages
You can be the vodka and I can be the chaser
You can be the pencil and I can be the paper
You can be as cold as the winter weather
But I don't care as long as we're together
Don't know if I could ever be
Without you cause boy you complete me
And in time I know that we'll both see
That we're all we need
Cause you're the apple to my pie
You're the straw to my berry
You're the smoke to my high
And you're the one I wanna marry
Cause your the one for me for me (for me)
And I'm the one for you for you (for you)
You take the both of us of us (of us)
And we're the perfect two
We're the perfect two
We're the perfect two
Baby me and you
We're the perfect two
You know that I'll never doubt ya
And you know that I think about ya
And you know I can't live without ya
I love the way that you smile
And maybe in just a while
I can see me walk down the aisle
Cause you're the apple to my pie
You're the straw to my berry
You're the smoke to my high
And you're the one I wanna marry
Cause you're the one for me for me (for me)
And I'm the one for you for you (for you)
You take the both of us of us (of us)
And we're the perfect two
We're the perfect two
We're the perfect two
Baby me and you
We're the perfect two
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Okay guys, my bitching is over
Sorry about that. But sometimes I have to complain and bitch. :/
Don't mind me.
Just venting my thoughts.
Don't mind me.
Just venting my thoughts.
Why Do You Have To Hate On My Music?
Colton's the only one who understands it.
We've had conversations about it before, and we feel the same way.
So many people bash on the music I listen to. And it fucking hurts, and pisses me off at the same time.
The music I listen to, I grew up with.
The music I listen to, has gotten me through my life.
The music I listen to, shaped me into who I am.
The music I listen to, is the reason I'm still ALIVE.
So FUCK OFF.
Even Sarah hates on my music sometimes. Sometimes she's joking around, but she is serious a lot too.
I don't give 2 fucks if you guys don't like it, DON'T FUCKING COMMENT ON IT. Please for the love of God. I know I seem pissy right now, but every other time, it literally makes me almost cry because I'm so emotional.
Music is my LIFE. It's EVERYTHING to me because it's the only thing that gets me through life when I'm alone, Depressed, or whatever the hell else.
We've had conversations about it before, and we feel the same way.
So many people bash on the music I listen to. And it fucking hurts, and pisses me off at the same time.
The music I listen to, I grew up with.
The music I listen to, has gotten me through my life.
The music I listen to, shaped me into who I am.
The music I listen to, is the reason I'm still ALIVE.
So FUCK OFF.
Even Sarah hates on my music sometimes. Sometimes she's joking around, but she is serious a lot too.
I don't give 2 fucks if you guys don't like it, DON'T FUCKING COMMENT ON IT. Please for the love of God. I know I seem pissy right now, but every other time, it literally makes me almost cry because I'm so emotional.
Music is my LIFE. It's EVERYTHING to me because it's the only thing that gets me through life when I'm alone, Depressed, or whatever the hell else.
Disregard this.... It's really unimportant.
GOD. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH MY EX? Can someone shoot him please? Or me? So I don't have to be constantly be getting guilt tripped by both Stephen and (only sometimes) Jake Heath.
FUCK people. LOOK. I broke up with the asshole because he treated me like shit and all he wanted from me was sex. So he can fuck off.
Don't try to make me feel bad. HE fucked up. NOT ME.
(Jake, I know you're not doing anything on purpose. It just comes up in conversation sometimes, so I'm not angry with you.)
Everyone else, please... God damn. I'm with Ryan now and I'm happy! WHAT'S SO WRONG ABOUT THAT? NOTHING. Thanks!
Ryan and I are meant to be together. If we weren't, we either WOULDN'T BE TOGETHER, or we'll break up eventually. But as for now, we are happy. So leave us alone.
Ugh. Sorry, ranting moment.
FUCK people. LOOK. I broke up with the asshole because he treated me like shit and all he wanted from me was sex. So he can fuck off.
Don't try to make me feel bad. HE fucked up. NOT ME.
(Jake, I know you're not doing anything on purpose. It just comes up in conversation sometimes, so I'm not angry with you.)
Everyone else, please... God damn. I'm with Ryan now and I'm happy! WHAT'S SO WRONG ABOUT THAT? NOTHING. Thanks!
Ryan and I are meant to be together. If we weren't, we either WOULDN'T BE TOGETHER, or we'll break up eventually. But as for now, we are happy. So leave us alone.
Ugh. Sorry, ranting moment.
Monday, March 12, 2012
My Thoughts: FUCK OFF
Today was awesome, don't get me wrong.
Only problem is:
Group made me Depressed.
Soooo I'm just in a fuck you mood.
We talked about space and afterlife and stuff. Deep conversations, and then I told her about my goodbye with my dad.
So I shed 2 or 3 tears, and then left early.
Life is full of bullshit. I'm tired of cops. I want to do whatever I want.
But I can't.
So whatever.
Meh. Ryan's at a lacrosse game, so I can't talk to him.
I'm on the phone with Sarah. I had a weird realization that's worrying both of us. haha.
Ugh, Wyatt... Go away.
haha.
Only problem is:
Group made me Depressed.
Soooo I'm just in a fuck you mood.
We talked about space and afterlife and stuff. Deep conversations, and then I told her about my goodbye with my dad.
So I shed 2 or 3 tears, and then left early.
Life is full of bullshit. I'm tired of cops. I want to do whatever I want.
But I can't.
So whatever.
Meh. Ryan's at a lacrosse game, so I can't talk to him.
I'm on the phone with Sarah. I had a weird realization that's worrying both of us. haha.
Ugh, Wyatt... Go away.
haha.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Today Is Going To Be Fantastic
I went to bed at around midnight, and woke up at 6am.
Finding myself unable to fall back into a peaceful slumber, I decided it was time to wake up completely.
I got up, went to Mackenzie's room and reminded myself of my awesome new clothes. I tried on the shirt I bought for Cassidy... Bad move. Now I like it! And it looked awesome with my new yoga pants. Ah well... I'll probably wear it to school one of these days, and then when Cassidy comes down for Spring Break, I'll see if she wants it as much as I think she will!(:
I also re-tried on the dress I bought. Once again, I absolutely love it. And when I dye my hair again, it'll look even better on me. It makes me look thin and, honestly, hot! I'm soooo happy I bought it. I can't wait to show it off. The only thing is, I reallllly want to wear it for a formal or semi-formal thing... But I don't think we have any coming up, so, I guess I have to stick with slutty Wednesdays. :p
After trying on my clothes, I changed into my favorite pair of normal jeans, my cute new black and white shoes, and Mackenzie's Domo sweatshirt.
I feel comfortable. So I put on makeup, and am about to straighten my hair before I eat breakfast and head to church.
My makeup looks good, and my hair is even cooperating today.(:
Soo, I'm in a good mood.
After church, Kenz is gonna take me home. There, I will take care of my many animals, clean my room, and then off to Sarah's I go! Even though I still failed Geometry, we're holding our movie night anyway. I'm gonna go to her house and hang out for a few hours. We're planning on watching Friends With Benefits, since I've never seen it, and something else that I can't for the life of me remember. :p I know it was a movie I've seen that I needed her to see too.(:
All I know, is that today started off well, and I think the rest of my day will go great too!
I'm waiting to text Ryan good morning until about 9:00, which is when we leave. Ugh, that's like an hour and a half away... This is the part where Sarah would say "WHITE GIRL PROBLEMS."
Fuck off.... haha.
Well, I'm gonna go straighten my hair now... I'm sure there'll be another update later about how movie night went.(:
Finding myself unable to fall back into a peaceful slumber, I decided it was time to wake up completely.
I got up, went to Mackenzie's room and reminded myself of my awesome new clothes. I tried on the shirt I bought for Cassidy... Bad move. Now I like it! And it looked awesome with my new yoga pants. Ah well... I'll probably wear it to school one of these days, and then when Cassidy comes down for Spring Break, I'll see if she wants it as much as I think she will!(:
I also re-tried on the dress I bought. Once again, I absolutely love it. And when I dye my hair again, it'll look even better on me. It makes me look thin and, honestly, hot! I'm soooo happy I bought it. I can't wait to show it off. The only thing is, I reallllly want to wear it for a formal or semi-formal thing... But I don't think we have any coming up, so, I guess I have to stick with slutty Wednesdays. :p
After trying on my clothes, I changed into my favorite pair of normal jeans, my cute new black and white shoes, and Mackenzie's Domo sweatshirt.
I feel comfortable. So I put on makeup, and am about to straighten my hair before I eat breakfast and head to church.
My makeup looks good, and my hair is even cooperating today.(:
Soo, I'm in a good mood.
After church, Kenz is gonna take me home. There, I will take care of my many animals, clean my room, and then off to Sarah's I go! Even though I still failed Geometry, we're holding our movie night anyway. I'm gonna go to her house and hang out for a few hours. We're planning on watching Friends With Benefits, since I've never seen it, and something else that I can't for the life of me remember. :p I know it was a movie I've seen that I needed her to see too.(:
All I know, is that today started off well, and I think the rest of my day will go great too!
I'm waiting to text Ryan good morning until about 9:00, which is when we leave. Ugh, that's like an hour and a half away... This is the part where Sarah would say "WHITE GIRL PROBLEMS."
Fuck off.... haha.
Well, I'm gonna go straighten my hair now... I'm sure there'll be another update later about how movie night went.(:
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Eli Boettner... Who Knew We'd End Up Friends?
In Radio, I started out thinking you were an awesome kid.
Then Chase got in the way and blinded my view about you, because I had no idea how much your friends influenced you..
I hated you for a while, when I really shouldn't have. And I still feel terrible about it.
Once we started talking on Facebook and I apologized about treating you badly, you responded with something I never expected...
You told me you look up to me. Because you've seen how I am sometimes... When my Depression hits, or when people treat me horribly at school. You've witnessed how bad things can get...
And you look up to me. It was flattering, honestly...
And then we kept talking and as we got to know each other, we realized how much we have in common. It's really weird, but at the same time, it's nice because we have the perfect advice for each other.
I'm glad that you trust me enough to open up to me. And that I know I can trust you as well.
It's nice that we went from being complete opposites, to being friends. Even if we don't talk at school unless we pass in the halls and say a quick hey or something.
I messaged you tonight because I thought we could catch up on stuff, and you told me that Savannah broke up with you 2 weeks ago. I instantly understood how much pain you were in, because if Ryan left me, I know how I would feel...
So we talked for like an hour or so. I gave you all the advice I could, and by the end of the conversation, you were feeling better and it made me really happy to know that I did that. That I cheered someone up and you were thinking much more positively about everything. I'm also glad that Chase and John are being supportive now. Even with all the harassment and torment Chase has put me through, if he is a good friend to you, then I can't help but have SOME respect for the guy.
You're a good person, Eli. I really do hope things work out.(: And I'm glad I could help.
Then Chase got in the way and blinded my view about you, because I had no idea how much your friends influenced you..
I hated you for a while, when I really shouldn't have. And I still feel terrible about it.
Once we started talking on Facebook and I apologized about treating you badly, you responded with something I never expected...
You told me you look up to me. Because you've seen how I am sometimes... When my Depression hits, or when people treat me horribly at school. You've witnessed how bad things can get...
And you look up to me. It was flattering, honestly...
And then we kept talking and as we got to know each other, we realized how much we have in common. It's really weird, but at the same time, it's nice because we have the perfect advice for each other.
I'm glad that you trust me enough to open up to me. And that I know I can trust you as well.
It's nice that we went from being complete opposites, to being friends. Even if we don't talk at school unless we pass in the halls and say a quick hey or something.
I messaged you tonight because I thought we could catch up on stuff, and you told me that Savannah broke up with you 2 weeks ago. I instantly understood how much pain you were in, because if Ryan left me, I know how I would feel...
So we talked for like an hour or so. I gave you all the advice I could, and by the end of the conversation, you were feeling better and it made me really happy to know that I did that. That I cheered someone up and you were thinking much more positively about everything. I'm also glad that Chase and John are being supportive now. Even with all the harassment and torment Chase has put me through, if he is a good friend to you, then I can't help but have SOME respect for the guy.
You're a good person, Eli. I really do hope things work out.(: And I'm glad I could help.
Oh My.... I Can't Breathe!
The conversations between Mackenzie and myself... Dude.
Ryan, why do you love me? I'm totally crazy. hahaha!!
Ohhh the plans we have for the Neon Daze dance....
I can't believe how much I have laughed today... It's intense. I can feel myself getting abs. XD
Ryan, why do you love me? I'm totally crazy. hahaha!!
Ohhh the plans we have for the Neon Daze dance....
I can't believe how much I have laughed today... It's intense. I can feel myself getting abs. XD
Oh, How Happy My Baby Makes Me...
Just talking to him gives me the best feeling ever.
Sometimes things he says gives me intense chills.
He has ways of giving me butterflies, by saying normal every day things.
Sometimes when we get all flirty and stuff with each other, he makes me laugh and it's amazing to know that someone loves me as much as he does.
When we're in person, I can see the love in his eyes, and I get speechless.
His eyes are beautiful. And standing there, with his arms wrapped around me, staring into my eyes, I just get so emotional. He makes me so happy.
I secretly (not so much a secret anymore..) love it when he squeezes me tighter.
Or when he puts his hand on my lower back.
And especially when he hugs me from behind.
I love it when he comes up behind me and wraps his arm around my waist or shoulders.
It makes me feel so comfortable and happy. <3
He makes me feel incredibly safe, and loved... He cares for me and protects me and it's absolutely amazing to have someone like that in your life. (any girl who reads this will understand and agree with me.)
Ryan, it doesn't matter how much I try to make you understand. I could say anything to you, but you still wouldn't get it. All I can say is...
I love you.
And I know you'll hear that for what it is. <3
Sometimes things he says gives me intense chills.
He has ways of giving me butterflies, by saying normal every day things.
Sometimes when we get all flirty and stuff with each other, he makes me laugh and it's amazing to know that someone loves me as much as he does.
When we're in person, I can see the love in his eyes, and I get speechless.
His eyes are beautiful. And standing there, with his arms wrapped around me, staring into my eyes, I just get so emotional. He makes me so happy.
I secretly (not so much a secret anymore..) love it when he squeezes me tighter.
Or when he puts his hand on my lower back.
And especially when he hugs me from behind.
I love it when he comes up behind me and wraps his arm around my waist or shoulders.
It makes me feel so comfortable and happy. <3
He makes me feel incredibly safe, and loved... He cares for me and protects me and it's absolutely amazing to have someone like that in your life. (any girl who reads this will understand and agree with me.)
Ryan, it doesn't matter how much I try to make you understand. I could say anything to you, but you still wouldn't get it. All I can say is...
I love you.
And I know you'll hear that for what it is. <3
Shopping With Mackenzie (This post isn't important. Just how my day went.)
Today started out tiring...
Didn't get much sleep, so I was exhausted.
Then for some unknown reason, I was kinda sad.
Until Kenz and I decided to go shopping.
So our journey began. We went to my house, got ready, got $70 and left to be on our way to Bend, listening to Hatsune Miku.(:
We get there and head straight for Rue 21... I'm so glad I can be myself around Mackenzie. We're both weird and we have no shame. Soooo to make this short but sweet, we bought new thongs, and I also got a pair of shoes. For the win.
We thought it was awesome, until we heard...................... THAT VOICE.
We were talking, and she shushed me. We listened, and... yep. That was her.
Jessie. Was. There.
We laughed, and we were scared. We did everything in our power to avoid her and it was successful.
We (literally) ran out of the store before she saw us and headed to Ross.
Another long story short, I got new skinny jeans. And a dress. Plus I bought Cassidy a shirt.(:
And Mackenzie got a hot new swimsuit.
We headed home and listened to Ghostland Observatory. After mom's attempt to bitch at me, I convinced her to let me leave and now I'm at Mackenzie's. Snacking and waiting for my boyfriend to wake up from his nap.
Also, Scout is coming home today... This will not be good.
I'm hoping it won't be awkward and we can all just be in the same house together. No contact between the two of us and everything will run smoothly.
Ah well, praying.
Dinner tonight:
Mac and cheese and fruit smoothies.(:
Didn't get much sleep, so I was exhausted.
Then for some unknown reason, I was kinda sad.
Until Kenz and I decided to go shopping.
So our journey began. We went to my house, got ready, got $70 and left to be on our way to Bend, listening to Hatsune Miku.(:
We get there and head straight for Rue 21... I'm so glad I can be myself around Mackenzie. We're both weird and we have no shame. Soooo to make this short but sweet, we bought new thongs, and I also got a pair of shoes. For the win.
We thought it was awesome, until we heard...................... THAT VOICE.
We were talking, and she shushed me. We listened, and... yep. That was her.
Jessie. Was. There.
We laughed, and we were scared. We did everything in our power to avoid her and it was successful.
We (literally) ran out of the store before she saw us and headed to Ross.
Another long story short, I got new skinny jeans. And a dress. Plus I bought Cassidy a shirt.(:
And Mackenzie got a hot new swimsuit.
We headed home and listened to Ghostland Observatory. After mom's attempt to bitch at me, I convinced her to let me leave and now I'm at Mackenzie's. Snacking and waiting for my boyfriend to wake up from his nap.
Also, Scout is coming home today... This will not be good.
I'm hoping it won't be awkward and we can all just be in the same house together. No contact between the two of us and everything will run smoothly.
Ah well, praying.
Dinner tonight:
Mac and cheese and fruit smoothies.(:
Friday, March 9, 2012
i See You Everyday... Why Do I Still Miss You?
Baby... I love you so much...
It hurts me that you don't understand.
I'm absolutely crazy about you and I wish you felt the same...
You're everything to me...
I know we both have our lives to deal with... But I love you and I want you to be a part of my life... Despite how hard it might be... Whether it be difficult to spend time with me, or if it's just plain out difficult to put up with me.
Ryan. You're seriously perfect for me...
Yeah, sometimes we aren't happy.
Yeah, sometimes we argue.
But what couple doesn't?
All healthy relationships have bumps in the road. Which is why I have confidence in us... I hope you do too...
Because I know we can make it through everything... As long as you don't give up on me...
I wish you understood how much you mean to me.
And now, here I am. About to pass out, but thinking of you constantly.
I wish you were here to cuddle with me, and tell me that everything will be fine and that no matter what happens, you'll be with me.
I wish you were here to lay with me as I fall asleep to the sound of your heartbeat.
I wish you could be with me every night.
It would make sleeping so much easier for me.
Maybe then I would have less troubles sleeping.
Maybe then I wouldn't wake up in the middle of the night, 5-10 times a night.
Maybe then I could sleep soundly, because I would know that you're with me and that you still would be there when I woke up...To say good morning and kiss me on the forehead like you do all the time when we're alone.
In general, I wish you were here...
I know you don't want to be around me ALL the time....
But, goddamn it...
Baby... I love you more than words can say.... <3
It hurts me that you don't understand.
I'm absolutely crazy about you and I wish you felt the same...
You're everything to me...
I know we both have our lives to deal with... But I love you and I want you to be a part of my life... Despite how hard it might be... Whether it be difficult to spend time with me, or if it's just plain out difficult to put up with me.
Ryan. You're seriously perfect for me...
Yeah, sometimes we aren't happy.
Yeah, sometimes we argue.
But what couple doesn't?
All healthy relationships have bumps in the road. Which is why I have confidence in us... I hope you do too...
Because I know we can make it through everything... As long as you don't give up on me...
I wish you understood how much you mean to me.
And now, here I am. About to pass out, but thinking of you constantly.
I wish you were here to cuddle with me, and tell me that everything will be fine and that no matter what happens, you'll be with me.
I wish you were here to lay with me as I fall asleep to the sound of your heartbeat.
I wish you could be with me every night.
It would make sleeping so much easier for me.
Maybe then I would have less troubles sleeping.
Maybe then I wouldn't wake up in the middle of the night, 5-10 times a night.
Maybe then I could sleep soundly, because I would know that you're with me and that you still would be there when I woke up...To say good morning and kiss me on the forehead like you do all the time when we're alone.
In general, I wish you were here...
I know you don't want to be around me ALL the time....
But, goddamn it...
Baby... I love you more than words can say.... <3
Hiking With Kenz
It was a much needed trip.
For several reasons.
1. Let's face it, I NEED the exercise... Ugh.
2. I needed reasurrance about Kenzie's and my friendship, and that it was still strong.
3. I LOVE hiking. I love the outdoors. It was nice to go out and be in nature.
Thank you, Mackenzie. I love you.
It was fun.
All the laughing, the jokes, the weird faces and even the many occassions of tripping and falling. Good times... Good times indeed.
I can't wait for Summer so we can go out to the Mackenzie Pass Lava Flow.
The lava rock fields are so hard but so fun to hike on. Also safer than what we did today on the canyon.
haha.
It was nice to get out and spend some quality time together. I love you hunnn. :3
For several reasons.
1. Let's face it, I NEED the exercise... Ugh.
2. I needed reasurrance about Kenzie's and my friendship, and that it was still strong.
3. I LOVE hiking. I love the outdoors. It was nice to go out and be in nature.
Thank you, Mackenzie. I love you.
It was fun.
All the laughing, the jokes, the weird faces and even the many occassions of tripping and falling. Good times... Good times indeed.
I can't wait for Summer so we can go out to the Mackenzie Pass Lava Flow.
The lava rock fields are so hard but so fun to hike on. Also safer than what we did today on the canyon.
haha.
It was nice to get out and spend some quality time together. I love you hunnn. :3
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Evanescence
Who knew that the band I am so inspired by, also had a name that is relevant to me...
I never knew that the definition of evanescent was about passing out of memory...
That's one of my biggest fears.
That people who matter to me will forget who I am. They will forget about me because I'm unimportant.
That makes me admire Evanescence even more... No wonder their songs mean so much to me and are so relevant to my life...
I never knew that the definition of evanescent was about passing out of memory...
That's one of my biggest fears.
That people who matter to me will forget who I am. They will forget about me because I'm unimportant.
That makes me admire Evanescence even more... No wonder their songs mean so much to me and are so relevant to my life...
Nobody Understands Me... Not Completely Anyway... And That's When I Realize, I'm More Alone Than I Think
I wonder who all would read this and agree with me?
Sometimes... I don't know...
I think about who I am.
And I realize how many sides to me there are. And how many sides nobody has seen.
Nobody fully understands me...
Not Cassidy.
Not Ryan.
Not Sarah.
Not Mackenzie.
Not my family.
The people who come closest to understanding all of me are my brothers... But mostly Alex out of all of them... Kyle judges me the most.. And Josh doesn't pay much attention to detail.
Alex understands me most and I understand him most...
God I miss him... I wish I could see him more often... Too bad he has college... And he lives in Oregon City... AND might be moving to Salem.. Ugh. I wish I could see him.
That's why I've been feeling so alone in Sisters... Despite how much time I spend with my friends. Despite how many friends I hang out with.
It's Alex. I miss him to death.
If he was still living here, I would be able to get along here so much easier... That's why everything's been so hard for me.
He knows me.
He's probably the only person who does.
He's seen every side of me. Or, just about.
He's seen my crazy side, because he's crazy with me. haha.
He's seen my sensitive side.
He's seen me angry.
He's seen me in my deepest hours, when I'm lost in thought.
He's seen me when I'm Depressed, and he helped me through it.
He's seen me when I'm doing my art. He knows what it means to me.
He's heard me sing. He knows how much that means to me, too. He's always been supportive.
He's played basketball with me. He knows how great of a release it is. Because that's his main escape.
He's laughed, cried, and yelled with me.
He's not just my brother, he's my best friend.
I wish other people knew me like he knows me.
I wish other people saw all sides of me.
I wish other people understood how much certain things mean to me.
In general, I wish people saw me for who I am.
And I wish that people understood me on a deeper level...
But who am I kidding? Nobody but Alex will ever even try.
Sometimes... I don't know...
I think about who I am.
And I realize how many sides to me there are. And how many sides nobody has seen.
Nobody fully understands me...
Not Cassidy.
Not Ryan.
Not Sarah.
Not Mackenzie.
Not my family.
The people who come closest to understanding all of me are my brothers... But mostly Alex out of all of them... Kyle judges me the most.. And Josh doesn't pay much attention to detail.
Alex understands me most and I understand him most...
God I miss him... I wish I could see him more often... Too bad he has college... And he lives in Oregon City... AND might be moving to Salem.. Ugh. I wish I could see him.
That's why I've been feeling so alone in Sisters... Despite how much time I spend with my friends. Despite how many friends I hang out with.
It's Alex. I miss him to death.
If he was still living here, I would be able to get along here so much easier... That's why everything's been so hard for me.
He knows me.
He's probably the only person who does.
He's seen every side of me. Or, just about.
He's seen my crazy side, because he's crazy with me. haha.
He's seen my sensitive side.
He's seen me angry.
He's seen me in my deepest hours, when I'm lost in thought.
He's seen me when I'm Depressed, and he helped me through it.
He's seen me when I'm doing my art. He knows what it means to me.
He's heard me sing. He knows how much that means to me, too. He's always been supportive.
He's played basketball with me. He knows how great of a release it is. Because that's his main escape.
He's laughed, cried, and yelled with me.
He's not just my brother, he's my best friend.
I wish other people knew me like he knows me.
I wish other people saw all sides of me.
I wish other people understood how much certain things mean to me.
In general, I wish people saw me for who I am.
And I wish that people understood me on a deeper level...
But who am I kidding? Nobody but Alex will ever even try.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Monday, March 5, 2012
Summer. PLEASE.
Please, God?
I miss Summer.
I need the heat.
I need the sun.
I hate Winter. Fall is alright. I like Spring, But Summer is my season.
Please bring me my season back.
I'm looking forward to no school.
Road trips to the beach with large groups of people.
Camping trips. Some with family, others with friends.
Time with my boyfriend.
Walking around town, absorbing the sunlight while listening to my iPod.
Hiking trips on the lava rock fields... and up by the waterfall.
Parties with friends.
Swimming in the creek.
Staying up all night, sleeping in until noon.
Sleeping outside under the stars. <3
And everything else that comes with the joys of summer.
I miss the spontaneousness of it all. No other season has that type of feel to it.
I miss Summer.
I need the heat.
I need the sun.
I hate Winter. Fall is alright. I like Spring, But Summer is my season.
Please bring me my season back.
I'm looking forward to no school.
Road trips to the beach with large groups of people.
Camping trips. Some with family, others with friends.
Time with my boyfriend.
Walking around town, absorbing the sunlight while listening to my iPod.
Hiking trips on the lava rock fields... and up by the waterfall.
Parties with friends.
Swimming in the creek.
Staying up all night, sleeping in until noon.
Sleeping outside under the stars. <3
And everything else that comes with the joys of summer.
I miss the spontaneousness of it all. No other season has that type of feel to it.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Trying So Hard Not To Cry
Last night, Ryan got me out of my Depression... Donny helped a little, too.
But I realized now, that I wish they didn't. I wish they would have let me suffer for a while, so I could have figured all this out on my own, without Mackenzie having to tell me.
I was right.
I wasn't just thinking those thoughts because I was Depressed... I was Depressed because those thoughts were true.
This is exactly why I love Mackenzie so much.... She knows who I need to be. She knows who I CAN be...
And who I AM being.... is not that person...
I owe it to her to be the person I truly am inside.
I owe it to Ryan.
I owe it to Cassidy.
I owe it to my family.
I owe it to everyone else in my life.
But most importantly, I owe it to God.
I can't keep acting like this. I've always been a rebellious kid who looked for excitement...
I can't be that anymore.
I am a good person inside... But I'm a bad person on the outside.
It's time to get my life straightened out.
I'm restarting.
This is the part where I fix what needs to be fixed and throw out what needs to be thrown out.
I'm starting fresh.
No dad.
No partying. (except on SPECIAL occasions.)
No excuses.
No empty promises.
Things in my life are going to change, and I KNOW this is going to be emotional and hard to succeed in, but I have to.
I HAVE to start being a real person.
I have to stop running away from my issues and hiding behind marijuana.
I can't keep setting myself up for failure. or trouble.
I have AMAZING people in my life that I want to KEEP in my life.
So I need to stop being this person.
I've been through a lot in my life.
I'm going to go through more.
But I can't give in.
If I do, I deserve every bit of punishment I get, which includes all the people I will lose.
But I'm testing myself now. I'm testing my ability to stay strong and be true to who I am.
Now, by the end of this post, the title is invalid. Because Mackenzie's message made me cry so bad.
It's time to start over.
Wish me luck.
And please stay by my side.
But I realized now, that I wish they didn't. I wish they would have let me suffer for a while, so I could have figured all this out on my own, without Mackenzie having to tell me.
I was right.
I wasn't just thinking those thoughts because I was Depressed... I was Depressed because those thoughts were true.
This is exactly why I love Mackenzie so much.... She knows who I need to be. She knows who I CAN be...
And who I AM being.... is not that person...
I owe it to her to be the person I truly am inside.
I owe it to Ryan.
I owe it to Cassidy.
I owe it to my family.
I owe it to everyone else in my life.
But most importantly, I owe it to God.
I can't keep acting like this. I've always been a rebellious kid who looked for excitement...
I can't be that anymore.
I am a good person inside... But I'm a bad person on the outside.
It's time to get my life straightened out.
I'm restarting.
This is the part where I fix what needs to be fixed and throw out what needs to be thrown out.
I'm starting fresh.
No dad.
No partying. (except on SPECIAL occasions.)
No excuses.
No empty promises.
Things in my life are going to change, and I KNOW this is going to be emotional and hard to succeed in, but I have to.
I HAVE to start being a real person.
I have to stop running away from my issues and hiding behind marijuana.
I can't keep setting myself up for failure. or trouble.
I have AMAZING people in my life that I want to KEEP in my life.
So I need to stop being this person.
I've been through a lot in my life.
I'm going to go through more.
But I can't give in.
If I do, I deserve every bit of punishment I get, which includes all the people I will lose.
But I'm testing myself now. I'm testing my ability to stay strong and be true to who I am.
Now, by the end of this post, the title is invalid. Because Mackenzie's message made me cry so bad.
It's time to start over.
Wish me luck.
And please stay by my side.
Who Are You?
You use to be easy to talk to and hang out with. But now you're turning into a bitch. I don't know if Portland did that to you, or if it was something else. All I know is that you are not who you use to be. Mackenzie's noticing it too.
You're treating EVERYONE differently. You bitched me out really bad the other day. That hurt more than anything else anyone has ever said to me.
What you said hurt more than my mom telling me I'm not part of her family anymore.
You told me to contact you when I was ready to be a decent person.... Well what about you?
You're treating your own family like shit. You're treating me like shit... The only person you're treating the same is Brogin...
I don't know what to think about you anymore.
I want to have you in my life, but not when you're acting like this.
You're treating EVERYONE differently. You bitched me out really bad the other day. That hurt more than anything else anyone has ever said to me.
What you said hurt more than my mom telling me I'm not part of her family anymore.
You told me to contact you when I was ready to be a decent person.... Well what about you?
You're treating your own family like shit. You're treating me like shit... The only person you're treating the same is Brogin...
I don't know what to think about you anymore.
I want to have you in my life, but not when you're acting like this.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
I Really AM Starting To Believe That God Puts Us On Earth To Torture Us
Sarah and I had a conversation a while back... About how EARTH is really HELL. How we belong in Heaven. And how nice it would be to go there and be happy.
You know what?
Here's the difference between my thoughts then, and my thoughts now.
Then, I was wanting to die so I could be with God in Heaven and live happily.
Now, I'm saying fuck the world, I still have faith in God, but life sucks. You have to make the best of what you have. I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world. I have some of the greatest friends anyone will ever know. Sure, I've been through hell, but I'm gonna be happy. Because I HAVE A REASON TO BE.
Everyone else: Try to knock me down. Yeah, you might get to me a little. But guess what? I'm absolutely done caring about people who don't care about me.
My life is FINALLY turning around. So FUCK ALL OF YOU GUYS who want to drag me down.
You know what?
Here's the difference between my thoughts then, and my thoughts now.
Then, I was wanting to die so I could be with God in Heaven and live happily.
Now, I'm saying fuck the world, I still have faith in God, but life sucks. You have to make the best of what you have. I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world. I have some of the greatest friends anyone will ever know. Sure, I've been through hell, but I'm gonna be happy. Because I HAVE A REASON TO BE.
Everyone else: Try to knock me down. Yeah, you might get to me a little. But guess what? I'm absolutely done caring about people who don't care about me.
My life is FINALLY turning around. So FUCK ALL OF YOU GUYS who want to drag me down.
And So I Just Lost A Friend
Apparently I'm just a horrible human being with no chance of a future. I just make mistakes and there's absolutely no hope for me.
Apparently I'm the only teenager on the planet who does stupid shit.
Apparently I'm not good enough for someone who's been in my exact position before.
Cool. Nice to know you never actually cared about me. Nice to know that EVERYTHING was a waste of time. That I told you EVERYTHING for no reason. That I trusted you with my life and you had no intention of keeping it safe.
Nice to know that you've always been annoyed with me because I'm a "tragedy addict".
I don't even know whether to be sad or pissed off. I'm a little of both actually. But guess what?
I don't fucking care anymore.
You judge me left and right.
I wish I could keep you around, but apparently everything I do is a mistake.
Sorry, I didn't know.
Apparently I'm the only teenager on the planet who does stupid shit.
Apparently I'm not good enough for someone who's been in my exact position before.
Cool. Nice to know you never actually cared about me. Nice to know that EVERYTHING was a waste of time. That I told you EVERYTHING for no reason. That I trusted you with my life and you had no intention of keeping it safe.
Nice to know that you've always been annoyed with me because I'm a "tragedy addict".
I don't even know whether to be sad or pissed off. I'm a little of both actually. But guess what?
I don't fucking care anymore.
You judge me left and right.
I wish I could keep you around, but apparently everything I do is a mistake.
Sorry, I didn't know.
That Took Way Too Much Effort
Ryan came over again. <3
He was here for like 2 and a half hours.
I really didn't want him to go... But damn lacrosse practice gets in the way.
He knew I didn't want him to leave.
I was trying to hold him back... Yeah... A sophomore girl, trying to hold back a wrestler... Brilliant idea on my part... :p
But it was worth a shot.
Eventually I had to let him leave, even though I didn't want to.
Now I'm waiting for these kids to get out of my house so I can make sure I'm worry free when mom comes home.........
Then maybe if I'm lucky, Ryan can manage to come over anyway.(:
He was here for like 2 and a half hours.
I really didn't want him to go... But damn lacrosse practice gets in the way.
He knew I didn't want him to leave.
I was trying to hold him back... Yeah... A sophomore girl, trying to hold back a wrestler... Brilliant idea on my part... :p
But it was worth a shot.
Eventually I had to let him leave, even though I didn't want to.
Now I'm waiting for these kids to get out of my house so I can make sure I'm worry free when mom comes home.........
Then maybe if I'm lucky, Ryan can manage to come over anyway.(:
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