One Phone Call, Countless Tears

I didn't want any bullshit. I wanted to get straight to the point. I knew I needed to get the emotion out. I had hoped I could get it ALL out... The whole year of bottled up emotion... But it came out 50%...
I knew it would happen. I knew the monster couldn't come out. I knew I didn't have the heart to inflict that on my dad... Even if he does deserve it.
I was so scared to unlock the cage inside me and release the monster I know lives within.
I was too scared to let myself, my mom, or my dad meet that part of me.
I, myself, have seen bits and pieces of it...
I just couldn't let it out. I'm not strong enough to unleash it. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to come back from it if I do, either...

So it started off with me saying I was pissed, and frustrated at the situation.
He answered my questions calmly.
That pissed me off more.
I could feel the emotion coming up to my throat.
I tried to choke it down, until I remembered how badly I needed to get it out.
So, I did my best.
I yelled. I yelled my questions and my thoughts at him. I cursed. I cried.
He heard. He listened. He understood. He apologized.
Empty words.
He knew it.
He said so.
He wishes there was more to say.
Apparently he didn't have much to say.

I couldn't get myself to start screaming at him. Even though I wanted to so badly.
I could feel the monster trying to rip its way out. I pushed it back down.
I just cried more.
I came close to being sick.
The more I heard his voice, the more memories came up.
The more memories came up, the worse I felt.
I just wanted to hang up. I just wanted to fade away again.

After 30 mins - an hour of "talking", I got off the phone.
Mom was crying. I was crying. And Jimmy came over and we all sat on the couch hugging.
The dogs even curled up with me on the couch. After a few minutes, my bedroom door opened.
Mackenzie came out and launched herself at me.
I hugged her tight and told her I loved her. I had no idea she was even in my house.

I cried so much tonight...
I still am.
I'm talking to Ryan and Jake Heath...
Trying to get back the smile Mackenzie had placed on my face.

I feel so weak.
Every movement takes so much effort.
Every thought exhausts me more...
I just want to curl up next to Ryan and just cry and let him hold me until I fall asleep.
But he's where he is, and I'm where I am.

So for now, I'm sitting alone at home, in front of the computer, blaring the music that keeps me alive.
When I'm alone, music is what saves my soul.
No, I didn't cut today.
No, I am not feeling suicidal.
I'm just back in that position where everything makes me feel overwhelmed.
I just want to sleep... And whether or not I wake up is in God's hands.

The only reason I look forward to waking up tomorrow is to see Ryan.. The guy that keeps me sane.