Sometimes I feel as if I'm changing too much. Like, in a way I feel as though this is who I've always been and I just figured it out. But other times it's like this is who I am for the most part, but the people around me are starting to influence how I act...
Sometimes it's a good thing and other times it's a bad thing.
I don't know what to do sometimes. It's like when I'm being stupid, I KNOW I'm being stupid, but I decide to continue it anyway.
What? Who does that?
Apparently me.
I don't know anymore. I just think I'm becoming something I never wanted to be, but I don't have a huge problem with it, either.
Does that make me a bad person, or a good person who's making bad decisions?
....
I've been thinking about this for a long time, actually... Practically since Christmas.
Inside my head, I've been judging myself constantly. The only person I have told it to is Jake Heath...
He's been reassuring me that I'm a great person and even if I make some dumb choices doesn't make me a horrible person.
Hearing him say that means a lot and it does make me feel a little bit better, but I still can't help but think he's wrong and he's just saying that because he's a good friend.
Sometimes I feel like that's what everyone does... People lie all the time to people they even call friends.
Maybe I'm being a little negative..
I just don't know anymore!
Life is confusing and things and people keep changing and new things keep happening..
It's all so much to keep up with.
It makes you second guess things...
Especially when second guessing is already second nature to you.
It's like I'm running out of things to talk about with people... It's like everything is coming to an end.
I'm not Depressed about it, I'm just stoic. Again. No real emotion.
I'm just sitting here as things keep happening. I'm not moving, but everything else around me is.
I don't know how to explain it... Maybe I should talk to Ryan about it. He would understand the most out of anyone.
He has been in my situations... And I know for a fact he has felt this way because he's told me about it once before.
But I don't know what he'd say about the bad choices things...
Maybe our initial thought process was right. Maybe I need to spend more time with Ryan... I'm a much better person when I'm around him... I make better choices because I know that's what he deserves. Someone who makes smart moves. The person I usually am.
What's happening to me? Why do I keep overthinking? Why am I being this way?
I think deep down I know the reason, and am too scared to let anyone in on it...
Even Ryan.. The person I tell everything to.
I feel as though nobody would understand except him. But he's the person I'm most scared to tell.
I don't understand anything about my thoughts anymore. I'm just becoming a big mess.
Things are becoming WAY more complicated than they should be. And I know I'm influencing a lot of that. But I don't know what to do about it. I'm just sitting back and watching it all happen, letting the complications become more pronounced.
Everything that was fixed, everything that made sense is unraveling itself right in front of my eyes and I can't stop it.
I'm kinda wanting to take a break.. Like a vacation and do what Colton's been doing. Stay at home for a while. Be to myself.
But I also know that that won't fix anything. I'll just keep feeling like this.
And the more I stay away from people, the less I'll be around people who matter most to me. Like Ryan...
God. That's the other thing.
He's right. SO many people are judging the two of us. So much is being said about us. And it's all being said when people don't understand AT ALL what his and my relationship is like. NOBODY understands it but us.
Not even people like Sarah who knows just about everything about what happens with me and him. She's the only person I tell. Because she won't talk like everyone else... She's the only person I'm comfortable telling everything to. She understands a little bit, but not as much as I want her too. Even though I wish she could understand it and as much as she might think she does, the truth is, she doesn't and neither does anybody else... except ourselves.
I wish people could understand everything, but even if we told everyone everything, they still wouldn't understand because they can't feel the way we feel.
It's frustrating because people judge us based on what they see... And what they see is about 10% of what actually happens. I know it's impossible to get what I want..
GOD. I'm just so frustrated with everything!!
I don't understand any of it.
It's all so overwhelming.
I need something to do.
I need to occupy myself.
Ugh.
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