Didn't I say music was the most powerful thing ever? This is my faith.

Graduation

Graduation is something I have never dreaded so much.
Seriously started crying today during 4th period. So I went to the nurse's office with Lara and we both fell asleep.
I was so stressed. Sleep helps.
There's so much I want to say, but I'm not sure how to do it.

Pretty much.
Ryan...
I love you.  I love you more than I have ever loved anyone.
And I'm dead terrified to lose you and live without you around every day.
I don't want to, and am not going to ask you to stay. Because like I said before, that's fucked up.
You have a life you need to live and if you need to live outside Sisters, then so be it.
But I don't want you to leave me.
I'm scared that when you graduate you're gonna leave and not come back.
You're gonna break up with me because I'm a high schooler and you'll be in college..
You're gonne meet someone else...
I'm not the only punk-rock girl out there...
You're gonna forget about me and fall in love with another college girl.
I can't lose you..
But I know I'm at risk of that.
That's why I'm nervous about our relationship so much.
Because I love you enough to do things I wouldn't do with anyone else...
But I don't want to get too close to you and then have you leave me..
I don't know what to do.
I love you so much.
This is why I'm Depressed.
I don't want you to disappear....
I want you to be my Invincible forever.

Anger and Violence

I hate when I get like this.
Sometimes I get too angry at people.
I get too frustrated with the world and my life.
That's when I get in a fighting mood and want to kill everyone I see. Except my friends and Ryan, of course.
I do have a violent nature. If people piss me off, I hate holding back my fists.
But I do. Because it's what's best.
I need to not be so violent. So instead, I punch doors, walls, and sometimes cut myself.
Sometimes it helps calm me down to burn shit with my lighter. I'm such a pyro.
It helps to sooth my anger.
Eh. Whatever.
That usually doesn't last for too long.
I have music to let out my anger for me.

Bad Dreams

I had a terrible dream last night. I woke up this morning at 6:58, crying and sweating horribly..
We had just watched The Last House On The Left before Buzzy, Lara and Donny left my house.
I went to sleep directly after they walked out of my house.
I went to bed, turned off the lights, looked at my glow in the dark stars, and passed out while in the middle of texting people.

Watching movies like that at night is always a bad idea, and yet I continue to do it. We watched it high, too. So it was even MORE scary.

Anyways, I fell asleep...
And my dream was relevant to that movie...
Now you can understand.. If you've seen the movie, anyway...

I don't want to explain it, because I really want to shove it out of my memory...
Hense why I've been baked off my ass all day.
I was forcing a wake and bake on Buzzy and Lara and we didn't actually smoke until like 1pm...
After waking up at around 7... Thanks guys. Way to be late.

Ugh... It was so realistic... I could feel pain in my dream...

Except it was a little different because the dream had people I knew in it, playing roles from the movie, and my role kept changing...
It was one of the worst dreams I have ever had...
I woke up, and saw how messed up my bedding was. It looked like I had been thrashing around all night... I probably had been.
My body was drenched in sweat and tears, so I took a shower and waited.

These bad dreams, dude....
They get progressively worse and worse... It was like that one I had in 8th grade... I remember it PERFECTLY.
Other than the fact the dream was completely different. I just mean it was horrible enough to be embedded in my brain. Basically, I got shot in the dream and died. I woke up not being able to breathe, and feeling similar pain in my chest where I got shot in the dream.

Anyway, I hate bad dreams. I hate feeling so scared when I wake up... I wanted to text Ryan... Since he was a part in the dream, but I didn't want to wake him up.
I wanted to text everyone that was in my dream and make sure it really was fake...

Ugh. Glad it's over.

Bipolar... Depression, Anxiety...

I'm tired of this. Seriously fed up with my emotions.
I've been so suicidal this week.... Today I almost cut again.
I don't understand why all of a sudden Depression is hitting so hard on everyone. It's not just me.
It's Ryan too. And Jared. And Mackenzie... Everyone's lives are going to hell.
I don't know what to do about it.
It's stressing me out and making me feel worse and worse.
Going to school is the worst feeling so far.
Going to a building full of people who hate me and judge me based on every little movement I make.
People who talk so much shit about stuff they don't understand.
I hate going to school and having to go from class to class, stuffing my emotions down my own throat so I can get my work done.
I'm tired of seeing my boyfriend in so much pain... I hate seeing him so different... And it's killing me knowing that I'm taking part in it... As much as he says I'm not a reason for his mood change, I know it's not true.
There is NO way it was just coincodence that right as we start dating, he stops trying in school, stops enjoying everything he usually loves, and starts cutting himself too...
Everything we talked about today made me cry so much. I can't believe I managed to stop.
I can't handle all this emotional rollercoaster-ness.
It's all stressing me out so much I feel like I'm in going to explode with sadness.
My anxiety is through the roof. It's making me sick to my stomach...
Ryan isn't being himself, and that hurts me so much.
I'm not being myself either... Which makes things worse.
Everyone is depending on me to stay strong... I CAN'T.
I'm losing every bit of strength I have left.
Nobody understands how much sadness I'm feeling all the time.
All this chaos is taking the worse emotional toll on me... On my personality, on my mood, and on my body physically.
Being crowded around, even by friends, makes me anxious. Makes me want to puke, like I'm claustrophobic, but I don't have claustrophobia AT ALL.
I'm the least claustrophobic person you will ever meet, and yet, I feel like it when too many people are around me at once.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't stay strong forever.
I've been strong my entire life.
I think it's time that I'm not strong for once...
I saw it coming...
I'm not sure if anyone else did...
But I know it's not surprising to me.
I just wish I could stop being in so much pain.
It's too much.

I hurt. Ryan hurts.
It's not okay...
God, please. I pray to you with everything in me that you relieve this pain from our lives. At least for a while. PLEASE.

Illegal Adventures With Friends

Yeah, they may be stupid.
Yeah, they could get us in trouble.
But who cares? I'm having fun.
Living Young, Wild, and Free as Wiz Khalifa would put it.

You know what? With how much HELL I have been through in my life, I think it is PERFECTLY reasonable that I turned out to be a complete stoner.

I use to be mad at myself for going against my own rules.

Eh... Rules are meant to be broken sometimes.

I smoke for several different reasons.

Here are those reasons:

• It's fun.
• It gives you hilarious memories to look back on.
• It's a great social/bonding experience.
• It's a great medicine for Depression.
• Sometimes it's fun to do stupid shit and be rebellious.
• It's natural!! I don't do man-made drugs. FUCK THAT SHIT.
• It helps you forget things you don't want to remember.

etc., etc., etc.


Smoking is fun. I love it. And actually, I'm HELLA glad I became a stoner.
I perfer smoking over not smoking. Big whoop. Go cry about it, you squares.

Sometimes I get pissed or Depressed enough that I NEED marijuana. Oh no.
Right now, I'm about to do it simply because I want to.
Call me a bad person. I don't care, because getting high doesn't make me a bad person.

Being stopped by cops is the scariest shit ever. Especially when you're high. Hell, it happened last night, and if he had a warrant to pat us down, we all would be in juvie right now. Eh. It's fun anyway.
I'm not going to stop.
We're just gonna learn to be smarter about it.

I really enjoy the rebellious life. It's more fun than being a good kid.
Really glad I turned out to NOT be a preppy bitch.

Time to go meet my stoner friends and go do stoner things. First stop, bakery.(:
Haters gonna hate.
COME AT ME BRO.(:

One Phone Call, Countless Tears

I didn't want any bullshit. I wanted to get straight to the point. I knew I needed to get the emotion out. I had hoped I could get it ALL out... The whole year of bottled up emotion... But it came out 50%...
I knew it would happen. I knew the monster couldn't come out. I knew I didn't have the heart to inflict that on my dad... Even if he does deserve it.
I was so scared to unlock the cage inside me and release the monster I know lives within.
I was too scared to let myself, my mom, or my dad meet that part of me.
I, myself, have seen bits and pieces of it...
I just couldn't let it out. I'm not strong enough to unleash it. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to come back from it if I do, either...

So it started off with me saying I was pissed, and frustrated at the situation.
He answered my questions calmly.
That pissed me off more.
I could feel the emotion coming up to my throat.
I tried to choke it down, until I remembered how badly I needed to get it out.
So, I did my best.
I yelled. I yelled my questions and my thoughts at him. I cursed. I cried.
He heard. He listened. He understood. He apologized.
Empty words.
He knew it.
He said so.
He wishes there was more to say.
Apparently he didn't have much to say.

I couldn't get myself to start screaming at him. Even though I wanted to so badly.
I could feel the monster trying to rip its way out. I pushed it back down.
I just cried more.
I came close to being sick.
The more I heard his voice, the more memories came up.
The more memories came up, the worse I felt.
I just wanted to hang up. I just wanted to fade away again.

After 30 mins - an hour of "talking", I got off the phone.
Mom was crying. I was crying. And Jimmy came over and we all sat on the couch hugging.
The dogs even curled up with me on the couch. After a few minutes, my bedroom door opened.
Mackenzie came out and launched herself at me.
I hugged her tight and told her I loved her. I had no idea she was even in my house.

I cried so much tonight...
I still am.
I'm talking to Ryan and Jake Heath...
Trying to get back the smile Mackenzie had placed on my face.

I feel so weak.
Every movement takes so much effort.
Every thought exhausts me more...
I just want to curl up next to Ryan and just cry and let him hold me until I fall asleep.
But he's where he is, and I'm where I am.

So for now, I'm sitting alone at home, in front of the computer, blaring the music that keeps me alive.
When I'm alone, music is what saves my soul.
No, I didn't cut today.
No, I am not feeling suicidal.
I'm just back in that position where everything makes me feel overwhelmed.
I just want to sleep... And whether or not I wake up is in God's hands.

The only reason I look forward to waking up tomorrow is to see Ryan.. The guy that keeps me sane.

Head Over Heels In Love

Cliche? Yes.
Do I care? No.

I've been to Hell and back multiple times in my life...
Now... for once, I've seen Heaven.

He makes me feel:
Special.
Important.
Beautiful.
Safe.
At home.

For once, my life gave me a break.
Right when I thought there was no point in trying anymore.
God lifted my chin, and looked me in the eye.
He told me to hang on a little longer.
And so I did.

And Ryan came along. He made my heart jump.
3 little words, so much meaning.
"I love you."
That was all I needed.
From there, my love grew.

And today, in my opinion, was the best day yet.
Even better than our first kiss?? Hmm.. That's hard.
But if it isn't... it's damn close.

We have the perfect relationship.
We respect and love each other.
We can be serious together.
We can be playful and joke around.
We can be silent, and be okay with it.
We can see the love in each other's eyes.

And baby, I love you so much. Thank you for everything. You're amazing. <3

Smiling Is Inevitable Right Now

Best. Mood. Ever.
How can I not be happy when I have the best boyfriend ever?
I love having him around. He makes me happier than I thought possible.
I was on the verge of tears today. Church helped a little, but if I'm honest with myself, I was just so excited to see Ryan.
When we were together I couldn't help but just smile.
Ryan, I know you're reading this.
You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.
When everything in my life was going downhill,
You came along and pulled me up.
You took me out of the dark, and into the light.
When I'm with you, nothing can go wrong.
At least until I'm saying goodbye.
Scratch that, no goodbyes.
Only a "see you later."
<3

Sometimes, Things Just Go Wrong

Sometimes, you have no control over what happens in life... As much as you might want to, you don't.
Don't be fooled when you think everything will go great... Because sometimes it won't. Sometimes things will crash and burn right in front of your eyes and there will be nothing you can do except sit and watch.
That's the moral to last night's story.
And it's a good lesson to be learned.
Because not everything will go as planned. Even if you try your personal best to make it happen.
Despite how my life loves to throw me curveballs and make being happy hard,
I am one lucky girl.
I finally got the guy.
The one I've been dreaming of.
The one who makes me happy by breathing.
The one who really knows me.
He might not know everything about my life,
but he knows everything about how I feel.
For once, SOMETHING went right for me. I fell hard in love with someone who eventually was saying "I love you too."
What more could I ask for?

The Dance.

This post is pretty unimportant. But I need to vent it out.

It started off as an amazing day. Kenz and I were getting ready for the dance. We looked like 2 gorgeous scenesters when we were done.
We went to Three Creeks Brewery and had dinner with her whole family. It was nice to go out and laugh and have a good time with my second family.
As awkward as it was when people we knew showed up, it was a good night so far. We ran to my house, grabbed a couple things, I let my mom know the plan for the rest of the weekend, and we were out the door, on our way back to Mackenzie's when the feeling set in.
We had an awesome idea to keep our good moods up. We thought it was going to work.. But it didn't.
On the way to the dance, we listened to some of our favorite songs. Music that were really up beat and party-like.
So we get there...
And we walk in, anxious to see what awaits us.
When we get there, we instantly had fun. Started being ourselves like we planned.
"This dance is OURS. This dance was made for US. We can be OURSELVES and not care what anyone thinks!! Time to have fun and not let anything ruin this night!"
On multiple occassions that came out of mine and Mackenzie's mouths.
We kept repeating it hoping to God that we were right and we could have a good time.
Right off the bat something goes wrong.
The two people we didn't want to see together, showed up.
We avoided them. Danced. Had fun.
Then the preps came along...
After Mackenzie left to go get water, Sarah and I were dancing.
Then here comes Nathan... God. I can get along with him usually, but what the fuck was he thinking, trying to dance with me? Dumbass.
Sooo, I moved away from him.
Continued dancing.
Sarah was making me laugh. And I thought things were fine until Nathan's crowd of preps came along... The kids who hate me. The kids who constantly talk shit about me. They were right next to us, many of them watching me, and talking.
God.
I watch Bailey Bremer and Breanna Perry make their way towards us. Great.
I adore Bailey. I do. But sometimes she has a thick skull. She's been so annoying and obnoxious about Ryan and I. From the first conversation with Sarah she picked up on, she was trying to find out who it was I was in love with. Then she heard our conversation about wrestling, made a guess. Wrong. So, once Ryan and I started dating, she saw us in the hallway hugging and came up to me in 4th period and said "I know who it is now."
Yes, Bailey. Thank you.
Breanna Perry, I cannot stand her. She is so... UGH. I can't even explain it without sounding like an immature brat. But she's so bitchy, obnoxious and she thinks she's miss perfect. Everyone can see through that mask, hunney. Stop pretending. For the love of God.
The two of them come up and dance with Sarah and I... I get it, kinda... Sarah and them are friends. But really? I'm over here trying to have a good night and you guys know we don't hang out anymore. You know that things have changed between us. Why do you think it's a good idea to come over and stare at me, and question where Ryan is?
Whatever.
I'm pretty sure they caught up on how uncomfortable I was feeling, because they left. Of course, that's not to say it's all over.
As the preps next to us move in closer, I could feel my anxiety clawing its way through my body.
Before I lose my mind, I'm out of there.
I find my group. Mackenzie and Keegin knew something happened. So I told them about Bailey and Breanna. I told them about the other preps... And I told them about Nathan trying to dance with me. They were as pissed as I was. Kenz took my face in her hands and said "Hey. This dance is for us. Nobody is ruining this. Let's have fun.
 And we tried to.
Keegin was trying so hard to keep our moods from falling. I appreciate Keegin so much. He's an amazing person.
After "Shake It" we went to get some more water and cool down.
Guess who comes out...
The two people we didn't want to see together. Jessie and Jake.
When they're separate, we adore both of them. When they're together, we want to shoot them both.
It's hard to explain why.
With them trying to talk to us, plus the slight drama of the night already, I was feeling pissed. Kenzie didn't know what to do. We went back inside, but it was no use.
The night was ruined.
They played shit music. All grinding songs and slow songs.
They played 4 or 5 good dance songs and the rest sucked. We were so disappointed with the people who were in charge of this dance. It was so dumb.
So, to save us time, I went and asked if they were going to play and of the songs we had requested multiple times. Answer: no.
Of course not.
So, Kenzie and I look at each other, disgusted at the night. And we get ready to leave early.
As I head into the bathroom, Jessie walks in too. But, hey, it is the girl's room. Jake wasn't around. So I talked to her.
She is so sweet when she isn't with Jake.
She brought up Ryan. She was the 6th person of the night to ask where he was.
God. Guys, yeah. I'm his girlfriend, but I'm not his monther.
He doesn't have to be glued to my hip all the time.
All the questions were getting annoying, but then Jessie continued.
She complimented me on how I looked that night. And I told her about the rest of my plans and she was so nice and happy for me. More than a lot of people are.
Which is nice because Jessie and I just got on good terms.
She hugged me, and I walk out, bumping into Jake.
Awkward.
I tried. I honestly did. To keep the conversation going.
I can't.
So after 6 or 7 words from both osf us, I walk away and go tell Keegin and Sarah that we are leaving.
Mackenzie grabs Brogin, and we all leave, disappointed and pissed off that it went so wrong..
We all speak our minds. The more we spoke about it. the more pissed we all got.
So we got in the car and I could feel it coming.
I had hoped it wouldn't.
My Depression was getting triggered. So, with how exhausted I was, Mackenzie and Brogin played some video games while I texted Jake Heath.
God, I love that kid.
I told him I was feeling triggered, and he instantly sent me a text that made me smile.
It was the last thing I read last night.
"Don't be sad. You're a very beautiful girl, and you have an amazing boyfriend that loves you."
Seriously. People don't give Jake enough credit. Everyone thinks he's an ass, becuase that's the act he puts on.
I've seen through that. And as much as Jake wants to deny it, he smiles every time I say drop the mask.
Because he knows I'm right.
He's become such a close friend to me. And he really is a sweet guy, despite the act.
Since Ryan wasn't responding, I figured he fell asleep already. So, I decided it was time to pass out.
Well, I didn't decide.. My body did.
But I fell into a nice deep sleep.
And I had a crazy messed up dream.

This Second Family Of Mine

I swear, sometimes people should call me Lindsey Ehr... Not Lindsey McAnulty.
I love being with Mackenzie, Scout and Blake.
They really are like family to me.
I come here so often, I'm so comfortable in this house.
I can do whatever and not be judged.
Nothing is awkward. I can just be.
These people make me happy.

As do all of my friends. They are all family to me. But the Ehr family is different.
I belong with them.
They are my second family.

Sometimes, I perfer them over my real family... Is that horrible? I can't help it... When my mom and I aren't on good terms, I come here. To my second family...

I still love my family, but it never hurts to have two.

Even When I'm Happiest, Depression Can Find Its Way Through

I feel bad for being so sad earlier... I have the most amazing guy in my life, and that should be 100% of my happiness. That should be enough to keep me in a good mood.
And I thought it was.
It's a good thing I drew a butterfly on my wrist yesterday, and named it after Ryan... Otherwise I'd be fucked and everyone would be upset with me again.
Today started off with me aggravated at everything for no reason. It was one of those days when I was just in an irritable mood. Until I saw Mackenzie. And it was hard to be in a bad mood because she knows how to get me out of the irritability. She gets like that too. So all she had to do was make me laugh, which comes naturally to her.
Then I saw Ryan. And I couldn't help but find that sense of happiness and peace.
Choir went amazingly and Mackenzie and I walked down the hall singing to Sweeney Todd.
From there, the day went well... Until 4th. Study hall.
I sat in the Art Room, as always, and drew graffiti. It's my new found talent.
I was okay. I didn't talk to anyone. Not even Sarah... She seemed bothered by me?
So, I sat by Maria, blasted my iPod and zoned in.
My iPod got the the song "Light On" by David Cook... A song my dad and I use to listen to together and sing together in the car.
I instantly started crying.
So I left the Art Room with 10 minutes left in class. Headed towards Geometry, put my stuff down, and waited for a few minutes until I headed to Plaza 4 to see Ryan.
He didn't know I was sad then. I tried to hide it. I thought I did a bad job... Maybe I'm better than I thought.
He made me happy, though. I couldn't help but feel better when I was in his arms.
Then I went to class.
I hate 5th period with a burning passion. It's when the bad shit goes down. Every day.
The only times it is good is when my group, (Sarah Weiss, Codie Lagao, Cole Craig, Spencer Greene, Mckenzie King, and myself), ignore everything going on and just make jokes and talk all period. Cole is really good at making us all laugh and smile.
But today was different. We had a quiz I wasn't ready for, and I was sad anyway. Spencer wanted to leave with me, but didn't. So, I left the room with Sarah and Cole staring after me with concerned looks.
I didn't say anything. I just went to Saraceno.
He let me vent. He gave me advice. I cried a lot. He understood everything.
It helped a lot being able to isolate myself from people and get some of my emotions out.
At about 2:45 I went back to class and sat by Cole. Everyone was still spread out for the quiz.
Cole just watched me. He understood. Codie told us we should talk more... I guess we're a lot alike.
He wrote me a note asking what was wrong.. So I told him. We passed the note back and forth and by the time I told him about my dad... He didn't know what to say..
Nobody every does.
But then he told me a secret of his... And I felt bad for wanting that relationship with my dad again.
But he told me not to worry about it.
He gave me this look and it comforted me. Cole's a good friend.

Then I went and saw Ryan. I was still Depressed, but I can't help but smile around him.
He took me in his arms and I wish I never had to leave. He makes me feel so safe.
Then Jake came around and gave me a hug, too.
He looked at me and knew something was wrong.
Ryan noticed too.
I told him what was wrong, and tried my best not to cry. I'm pretty sure it showed.
Right as he kissed me, Mackenzie showed her lovely face.
She threw me one of her many hilarious faces and I smiled. She called me a bitch and apparently Ryan wasn't okay with that.(:
"Don't call my bitch a bitch, you bitch."
I can't think of it without laughing.
Mackenzie and I have been making fun of it for a while.(: I think it's a new inside joke.

Then she left and it was just me and him.
Ryan was there. He was with me and he was staring at me. He held me and kissed me and made everything better. He's so good at making me happy.
After he left, I said goodbye to Jake and talked with Jessie and Mackenzie.
We were being the stereotype of teenage girls. We started talking about boys.
And it was great.
Then Mackenzie and I left.
And here I am.
In my second home, with my second family. About to play a ridiculous game.

I was sad before... But now, I can't complain. Everything is okay again.
I knew it wouldn't last for too long.
Jake sent me a picture which is all I could think today.
"Everything in life is temporary. So if things are going good, enjoy it because it won't last forevver. And if things are going bad, don't worry. It can't last forever either."

The Best Thing About Being Alone

Easily, my favorite part of being home alone is when I can turn up my music as loud as I want and can sing freely.
Singing is such an awesome release of emotions.
I love being able to show my emotions through music when nobody is around.
I can be real. To myself.
I can put everything in me into my voice.
No matter how I'm feeling, singing is the best way for me to express myself.
I usually never sing in front of people. Unless it's Cassidy, Mackenzie or Sarah. I try to avoid singing in front of anybody else, because I don't have enough faith in myself.
But joining choir gave me a little more confidence.
But I still perfer to be alone. Sometimes at school I'll be singing and not realize it. That's when I have to catch myself and shut up.
I wish I could have my own bubble that I could turn on and off so I could sing and nobody could hear me or something.(:

Live Music And Smoking

Jimmy and his friend are here. They are rocking out in the living room. I love when he has his band members over to practice. They play fucking awesome music.
Today, I get the live music, plus I'll be smoking, and as soon as wrestling practice is done with, I'll be texting my boyfriend. All these things should take away some of that stress and anger. haha.(:
Can't help but smile through it all, though. My life has still never been better, despite the dumbass people trying to get under my skin.

As stupid as it might sound, I'm glad I started smoking.
For several reasons.
Since I don't have meds, it's a good distraction from my Depression when it hits.
It puts me in a good mood.
Also, it's fun! Smoking has given me the best memories with my friends. haha.
Plus, sometimes it's fun to just go out and do stupid shit while you're high as fuck.

Excuse Me While I Vent My Anger

Way to ruin my good mood, asshole!
Everyone knows that one kid who things he's tough shit. There's always that one guy that everyone knows and everyone hates because he thinks it's cool to be a heartless fuck to every single person around him.
The kid who thinks he's hilarious and all his "friends" laugh along saracastically. But he's too stupid to figure it out.

5th period is the worst part of my day.
First reason: It's Geometry.
Second reason: My teacher is a bitch and just seeing her makes me want to punch a wall.
Third reason: I'm going to fail. There's almost no way around it.
Fourth reason: There's that asshole that treats me like I'm trash.

These damn preppy ass motherfuckers.
They think they're so cool being fake.
They think they can say whatever the fuck they want about anyone.
Like I'm not gonna hear you talking shit about me when you're 5 feet from me?
Like I'm not gonna see you staring at me while you laugh to your friends.

Do you think I'm dumb or something?
God.
You think you're so cool and tough. I fucking dare you to come at me.
I wouldn't mind fighting your dumb ass.
I'm so done with people treating me like that when they don't know SHIT about me.

ASDFGHJKL.
Ugh. Some people...

Time to smoke.

Same Song On Repeat.

The song Young Blood by The Naked And Famous.
It's like YoungLife's theme song. We listen to it every time we have YL.
It's become one of my favorite songs ever.
The lyrics are amazing.
The music behind the lyrics is so incredible.

This song is perfect when I'm happy, mad, and sad.
When I'm happy, it's makes me happier.
When I'm mad, it calms me down and lets me breathe.
When I'm sad, it's a great song to help me vent when I'm singing it.

"We lie beneath the stars at night. Our hands gripping each other tight.
You keep my secrets hope to die. Promises, swear them to the sky."

That's my favorite part of the song. It's so amazing.
Reasons:
1. I love the moon and the stars. They're so hypnotizing. <3
2. It makes me think of Ryan. The person I love most.
3. It makes me think of what we've been through together. How many secrets I've told him and he's told me.
4. I know he's always there for me and it reminds me of that.
5. Swearing something to the sky makes me think of God. <3

Point is, I could listen to this song forever and I think everyone should listen to it.

Music Is My First Language

If everything was written in music, I would understand things so much easier.
Music, some people say, is sound... It's noise and words.
No.
SOME music, is exactly that.
But the music that has meaning behind it, is not just sound.
Music is... The most powerful thing in the world.
No arguements allowed.

The reason my passion for music is so huge is this:
Music is something I can hear.
Music is something I can feel.
Music is something I can understand.
Music is something I can relate to.

It doesn't matter what mood I'm in.
I am ALWAYS listening to music. Because it's my thoughts, in someone else's words.
It's my feelings in someone else's tune.
I can connect to the beats, and my heart attaches itself to the rythmn, and the lyrics.
I listen so intently to the words. I hear every bit of emotion put into each word. I really feel it inside.
This is why music means so much to my life.
I've been a huge music person since I was little. I grew up listening to a lot of punk/alternative/hard rock. Because that's the music that has the most meaning. My brothers are who shaped me into who I am today. And a lot of my music taste is from them.
So, in the end, it's thanks to my brothers I'm alive today.
They showed me the music that saved my life.
Now, of course, my music taste has spread to a few more genres. But I'm still mostly into the rock.
The only music I listen to is music with meaningful lyrics I can connect to.
The shit that plays on the radio is all about fake love, sex, drugs, and money. I only listen to music like that when I'm practicing hip hop dancing or I'm in a party mood.

Nobody understands what music means to me. Nobody except Cassidy. She's the only person who understands 100%.
Everyone else thinks they understand, but truth is, they understand like 70-80%.
Not enough.
Music is my escape from reality. It's my escape where I can feel safe in any situation. I can feel comfortable. I don't feel alone, because the lyrics prove I'm not the only one feeling how I feel. My whole body can feel the song, and it's the most amazing thing ever. That's why I always have earbuds connected to my ears.
Music is the most beautiful thing in the world. <3

And even now, trying to explain it, it's nearly impossible.
Music gets me through everything.
It's poetry in it's best form.

Looking Back On That Day When Everyone Was Out To Get Me

You'd think it would be like any other day. I would forget it, right?
Nope.
Not this one. I remember everything about that day. How overwhelmed my heart was.
Too much stress, too much pain, and too much attack for one day.
I remember walking into school, feeling hopeless.
I had my iPod in my hand, as always... I was clenching my fists to stop myself from crying.
Being around people was too much for me. It was like I was claustrophobic in a huge room.
I felt as though everyone was watching me, and everyone was judging me.
And a lot of people were that day.
I remember being scared.
Frightened of living like that.
Frightened of myself.
I remember going to my classes, but not doing anything in any of them. Not listening to the teachers, not responding to anybody. Just listening as hard as I could to the lyrics of the song that saved my life.
I remember walking through the halls, trying to hide my face in my hair, and not grab anybody's attention. I just wanted to leave.
I wanted out of the school, out of Sisters, out of sight.
I wanted to be alone with my music and my art.
Walking through the halls in school is chaotic enough as it is.
But being Depressed and stressed, and having major panic and anxiety attacks over small shit, makes it Hell.
I remember people... a lot of different people who I am fully aware do not like me, getting on my case. It was as if they all chose to harrass me that day...
I got bumped in the hallway.
People were giving me horrible looks.
They were talking shit about me right in front of my face.
They were judging me.
They were literally pushing me around.
I couldn't handle it. I clenched my fists so hard, the skin on my hands broke open.
My heart was pounding in my ears. My heart was aching. I was crying inside.
Yes,
I remember that day.
That was before I knew you. Before I was happy.
I will never forget that day.
I just hope I'll never have to relive it.

There Is...(:

This vacation's useless
These white pills aren't kind
I've given a lot of thought on this 13-hour drive
I miss the grinding concrete where we sat past 8 or 9
And slowly finished laughing in the glow of our headlights
I've given a lot of thought to the nights we use to have
The days have come and gone
Our lives went by so fast
I faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor
Where i laid and told you, but you sweared you loved me more

Do you care if i don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
Will i shake this off pretend its all okay
That there someone out there who feels just like me
There is

Those notes you wrote me
I've kept them all
I've given a lot of thought of how to write you back this fall
With every single letter in every single word
There will be a hidden message about a boy that
loves a girl

Do you care if i don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
Will i shake this off, pretend its all okay
that There's someone out there who feels just like me
There is

Do you care if i don't know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
Will i shake this off, pretend its all okay
That there's someone out there who feels just like me

Do you care if i don't know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
Will i shake this off, pretend its all okay
That there's someone out there who feels just like me
There is

And The Reason Is You

You were perfect.
You were everything I needed.
You were everything I wanted.

We had similar music taste, which is a huge deal for me, since music is my life.
You were kind... To everyone. For no reason. That's just how you are. And I admire that. <3
You had the humor and sarcasm that makes you playful and fun to talk with.
You have good style, which made you even more attractive than you already are.
You go through things that make you a real person. Someone who isn't fake and pretends to be someone else.
You know who you are deep down. And you let me in, so I could see that person.
You allow yourself to open up to me.
We had one conversation one night that made me realize how similar we are.
You love night time, just like me. You like to walk around in the dark, like me. You're always listening to music, and so am I. You go through things that shape you into who you are. You've been through hard times. But you stayed strong through everything.
You have feelings, and you make that apparent. You're not an ordinary guy.
You saved me. From Depression. From my pain. From myself.
You helped me survive everyday, even when I was suffering most. You got me through everything. Sometimes, you were unaware of it.
You keep my faith going strong. When I'm losing my mind and my hope starts to fade, my faith keeps me grounded, at least enough to be okay. Because I know you're always there.
You see the importance in things that matter. You understand that not everything is flawless, and things will go wrong.
You listen.
You actually hear me. Because for some things, you've heard yourself say the same.
You know what to say in EVERY situation. Whether I'm happy, pissed, sad... it doesn't matter. You always say the right things.
You make me happy just by breathing.
You understand me more than anyone else does. And you're always willing to be my shoulder to cry on.
You're my reason to stay strong when I feel like giving up.
You don't question my passions, you just let me be who I am.
You never try to change me.
You make me laugh.
You make me smile.
You give me butterflies and chills.
You make my heart pound like nobody else can.
Seeing you for even a second in a day can make my whole day better.
No matter what situation I'm in, I can't help but smile when you look at me.
You've been by my side from the start.
Once you were in my life, you never left...
You knew when something was wrong. Even if we were texting and I was hiding my emotions from you... You knew. And you somehow managed to get it out of me.
With you, nothing is left unsaid. Because I know I have to be the most honest person as I can be with you.
All I ever wanted was for you to be happy, no matter what that meant for me.
You were, and are everything to me.
You're perfect.
And I've never been happier.
We can be in complete silence, and it won't make a difference. Because we don't need to say anything. Sometimes what I feel can't be put into words... And I just stand there, and wish you could feel the way my heart was making me feel. I can stare into your eyes, and everything around us will disappear. It's just me and you... And yet I still get shy.. And I look away, trying to stop myself from turning red or laughing nervously.
Most of the time, I failed... But when I looked back at you, you were still watching me, and your smile never faded.
You made me feel beautiful. And I know that's so cliche, but it's so true.
The first time you held my hand in yours, everything clicked. I could feel your touch, and I knew I wasn't dreaming.
The first time you kissed me, I was put into serenity. Nothing could have changed my happiness.

We've been through more than should be possible in the amount of time we've known each other. You were so easy for me to open myself up to. I knew there was no judgement with you. I knew you cared about me.
I knew you wouldn't leave.
Even when I'm sad... You keep my head above the water... Because I know that no matter what happens, there's always reason to live. And the reason is you.

Everything I just wrote still doesn't do my heart justice.
There's literally nothing I can say to make you understand completely.
Ryan.
I love you.
With everything in me.
You're my reason. And I hope I can be yours. <3

Falling In - Lifehouse (lyrics)

Every time I see your face
My heart takes off on a high speed chase
Now don't be scared, it's only love
Baby, that we're falling in


I can't wait till tomorrow
This feeling has swallowed me whole
And know that I've lost control
This heart that I've followed
Has left me so hollow
That was then, this is now, yeah you have changed everything


Every time I see your face
My heart takes off on a high speed chase
Now don't be scared, it's only love
That we're falling in
I would never do you wrong
Or let you down or lead you on
Don't look down, it's only love
Baby, that we're falling in


I'm standing in your driveway
It's midnight and I'm sideways
To find out if you feel the same
Won't be easy, have my doubts too
But it's over, without you I'm just lost, incomplete
Yeah you feel like home, home to me


Every time I see your face
My heart takes off on a high speed chase
Now don't be scared, it's only love
That we're falling in
I would never do you wrong
Or let you down or lead you on
Don't look down, it's only love
Baby, that we're falling in


All those nights I stayed awake
Thinking of all the ways to make you mine
All of those smiles will never fade
Never run out of ways to blow my mind


Every time I see your face
My heart takes off on a high speed chase
Now don't be scared, it's only love
That we're falling in
I would never do you wrong
Or let you down or lead you on
Don't look down, it's only love
Baby, that we're falling in
Don't be scared, it's only love
Baby, that we're falling in
<3

There Was Me... And Then There Was You

After switching out of P. Fit and then out of Americana during 2nd period, I finally joined Radio.
I liked the class right from the start. And I noticed someone.. It was you.
You were easily one of the most attractive people I've ever seen.
I also noticed how into music you were..
That was something I couldn't resist. Because I'm the same way.
In late September, I started to like you.
You had no idea who I was. Or, I thought you didn't.
We talked. And we became great friends.
You showed yourself more to me... You were exactly like me.
Except you were perfect.
November 10th was your birthday. I painted you something ridiculous. For some crazy reason, you liked it, and appreciated it.
Maybe you just said that?
I wouldn't blame you.
More time passed, and liking you, turned to loving you.
We texted every day practically until we fell asleep.
I saw you every day in 2nd period and it was easily the best part of my days.
Every day we got closer and closer. And people started to notice... I don't know if you got as much shit for it as I did...
But I knew I wasn't gonna let it get to me. Even if it was hard.
Eventually, I told you my feelings. You were so understanding about it all and you were so sweet about it. Of course that made me love you more.
You were amazing. That's all there was to it.
The more messed up my life got, the more I needed to be away from people. I tried to isolate myself into the Radio room. I knew only you and Drew would be there.
You both let me vent. So I could relax and take a deep breath before facing the world, and the people/things attacking me.
Nobody knew how badly I was hurting inside, all the time... Apart from you, Mackenzie and Sarah.
The girls understand... But not like you do.
You always know what to say to get me through it. Whatever it is I said to you, you had the perfect response.
On my worst night... A night I will never forget..
I was in more pain than I have ever been in before in my life.
I was bawling, and thrashing in pain. So much emotional pain that it turned to my body physically hurting. The only person I could talk to was you. Nobody else could help me.
You saved me that night.
The night that I could have sworn was my last.

From there... Things got better. You stayed by my side through everything. Our relationship grew. I think we both knew it.
You got me through hard times, and I did the same for you when you needed someone.

When New Year's hit... I made a resolution to be happy. To be as happy as possible, even with my Depression constantly picking at my insides.
We'll see how that goes.

January 16th reassured me that it could be easier than I thought.

You texted me the most amazing thing I could have ever read.
You told me you loved me too.
It was something impossible for me to believe.
I cried.
I smiled.
Everything inside me told me you weren't lying.
Then it hit me.
You weren't.
It wasn't a dream, like many others I have had, and woken up to.

It was reality. And I couldn't understand it because it didn't make sense.
I know we're perfect for each other... But still..
Someone as amazing as you, could love someone like me?
How was it possible?

All at once, my life went from Hell, to Heaven.
Nothing was wrong.. Everything worked out!
It's like Depression disappeared. I know that's not the case, but it was incredible.
I've never been so happy.
You make me feel like I'm someone. Like I'm important. Like there's reason to have faith... And there is. You're my reason. You're the only reason I need, because you're the most important one.
Ever since that first text of "I love you too, Lindsey."...
I feel like I'm ready to cry at any moment. Of happiness, of course!
I hold it back, though. And it makes me smile, and blush way more than I usually do.
There were times at school, when I could have stared into your eyes forever. Not saying anything, because I was speechless.
I didn't know what to do or say. Hell, I still don't.
All I know is that hugging you was the best part(s) of my day. I didn't want to let go of you. I felt safe. It was just me and you. Nobody else existed... Until the bell rang.
And everything shattered away like glass.
But then when you were with me, everything was fixed again.
I know you deserve better than me. But you're everything to me. I'm so lucky to have you in my life, let alone to have you fall in love with me.
Nothing else could make me happier.
You're amazing.
And from everything in my heart, Ryan...
I love you.

Over Thinking & Second Guessing

Two things that come so naturally to me.
It's automatic in almost every situation.
I know it needs to stop.
I wish I knew how to control it.
It'd be awesome if I could just STOP overthinking everything and second-guessing everything.
But, seriously... Like that's gonna happen. haha. XD

Music Therapy, PLEASE Get Me Through This.

Why am I so stupid????
I keep doing things without trying to.
I'm making life SO much more harder on myself when I'm not trying to.
I'm just trying to be real and be honest but it's getting me in trouble with my own emotions.
More and more cutting becomes SO appealing. The only reason I'm not is because Ryan and Jake would be so upset with me.
GOD I wish I could just fucking disappear...
Someone seriously needs to put me in my right mind again.
I'm losing it. Ugh.
I'm so incredibly stressed out it's driving me up a wall.
It's like a mini panic attack. My heart is pounding out my chest.

I need to calm down... Music therapy, PLEASE get me through this.

Good Person, Bad Decisions. Plus Some Scrambled Thoughts

Sometimes I feel as if I'm changing too much. Like, in a way I feel as though this is who I've always been and I just figured it out. But other times it's like this is who I am for the most part, but the people around me are starting to influence how I act...
Sometimes it's a good thing and other times it's a bad thing.
I don't know what to do sometimes. It's like when I'm being stupid, I KNOW I'm being stupid, but I decide to continue it anyway.
What? Who does that?
Apparently me.
I don't know anymore. I just think I'm becoming something I never wanted to be, but I don't have a huge problem with it, either.
Does that make me a bad person, or a good person who's making bad decisions?
....
I've been thinking about this for a long time, actually... Practically since Christmas.
Inside my head, I've been judging myself constantly. The only person I have told it to is Jake Heath...
He's been reassuring me that I'm a great person and even if I make some dumb choices doesn't make me a horrible person.
Hearing him say that means a lot and it does make me feel a little bit better, but I still can't help but think he's wrong and he's just saying that because he's a good friend.
Sometimes I feel like that's what everyone does... People lie all the time to people they even call friends.
Maybe I'm being a little negative..
I just don't know anymore!
Life is confusing and things and people keep changing and new things keep happening..
It's all so much to keep up with.
It makes you second guess things...
Especially when second guessing is already second nature to you.

It's like I'm running out of things to talk about with people... It's like everything is coming to an end.
I'm not Depressed about it, I'm just stoic. Again. No real emotion.
I'm just sitting here as things keep happening. I'm not moving, but everything else around me is.
I don't know how to explain it... Maybe I should talk to Ryan about it. He would understand the most out of anyone.
He has been in my situations... And I know for a fact he has felt this way because he's told me about it once before.
But I don't know what he'd say about the bad choices things...

Maybe our initial thought process was right. Maybe I need to spend more time with Ryan... I'm a much better person when I'm around him... I make better choices because I know that's what he deserves. Someone who makes smart moves. The person I usually am.
What's happening to me? Why do I keep overthinking? Why am I being this way?

I think deep down I know the reason, and am too scared to let anyone in on it...
Even Ryan.. The person I tell everything to.
I feel as though nobody would understand except him. But he's the person I'm most scared to tell.
I don't understand anything about my thoughts anymore. I'm just becoming a big mess.
Things are becoming WAY more complicated than they should be. And I know I'm influencing a lot of that. But I don't know what to do about it. I'm just sitting back and watching it all happen, letting the complications become more pronounced.
Everything that was fixed, everything that made sense is unraveling itself right in front of my eyes and I can't stop it.

I'm kinda wanting to take a break.. Like a vacation and do what Colton's been doing. Stay at home for a while. Be to myself.
But I also know that that won't fix anything. I'll just keep feeling like this.
And the more I stay away from people, the less I'll be around people who matter most to me. Like Ryan...
God. That's the other thing.
He's right. SO many people are judging the two of us. So much is being said about us. And it's all being said when people don't understand AT ALL what his and my relationship is like. NOBODY understands it but us.
Not even people like Sarah who knows just about everything about what happens with me and him. She's the only person I tell. Because she won't talk like everyone else... She's the only person I'm comfortable telling everything to. She understands a little bit, but not as much as I want her too. Even though I wish she could understand it and as much as she might think she does, the truth is, she doesn't and neither does anybody else... except ourselves.
I wish people could understand everything, but even if we told everyone everything, they still wouldn't understand because they can't feel the way we feel.
It's frustrating because people judge us based on what they see... And what they see is about 10% of what actually happens. I know it's impossible to get what I want..

GOD. I'm just so frustrated with everything!!
I don't understand any of it.
It's all so overwhelming.
I need something to do.
I need to occupy myself.
Ugh.

This Mood Comes And Goes

Have you ever been in the mood where nothing makes sense?
It's like nothing really MATTERS.
Like everything is light-weight. Free.
You have serious thoughts, but nothing that really concerns you too much.
It's a mood where I'm happy, but I'm not at the same time.
It's like I'm in a care-free, but stoic mood.
I don't know what to do or think. I'm just kinda BEING right now.
Nothing extremely important is happening. I'm just living and wasting time.
Just waiting for something to happen... That's what it mainly is.
I'm waiting for something worth while to happen. Something that makes a difference. Instead of sitting around, expecting nothing out of your days..
Hmm.
I know if I were talking to Ryan he would think I'm feeling Depressed. These thoughts tend to happen when we are, but I'm not right now. I'm just... I don't know. Not content, but not upset.
I'm just here. Existing.

What I Think About Relationships

I think relationships are becoming pointless, meaningless affairs.
People "date" and "go out" with peope simply because they can, and not because they actually have feelings for that person.
People are dating because they want to get laid. Not because they legitimately love each other.
That's the other thing. Sex. Sex is becoming the same thing. People are doing it simply because they can. They think they are ready in teenage years, when they aren't.
I think the only time you should ever have sex before you're 18 is if you TRULY do love that person. Don't do it because you were under the influence, you feel pressured, or because you see nothing wrong with it.
There are consequences and apparently nowadays nobody cares. People are getting pregnant and getting diseases.
Ugh. It's gross.
Granted, I am currently struggling with some of my own similar feelings as others. But that's because I'm in love with someone.

Other people date because it's an activity and it gives them something to do with their time. I think that's wrong.

Also, if you're going to be with someone, be with someone who makes you happy. Not someone who makes you more stressed out than you usually are. Someone who makes your life easier and makes you happy simply by being there with you. Someone you love with everything in you and trust no matter what. Someone who you know is always there for you and will never hurt you. Someone who is worth your time and you LIKE spending your time with. Someone who doesn't make you double think things you normally wouldn't. Someone who doesn't control everything you do/think/say.

Sorry for the rant. It's really relevant to tonight.

Stress = Blech

Good news is, I've learned how to remain happy even while I'm hella stressed out.
Bad news is, I'm still hella stressed out and it makes me feel sick to my stomach.
Ugh. I wish I could just get rid of EVERYTHING stressing me out and be okay.
Literally, I almost cut again today to get rid of the stress.
I know, I know. Some people are saying "That's stupid. It makes no sense, and it won't help."
Ugh. I wish I had the energy to argue my point. But I don't right now.
So, I'm just gonna say you don't understand, and end it there.
Sorry, guys...
Not feeling it right now. :/

Oh, Mr. Shooting Star,

Walking out of the high school, 7pm. Cold winter night.
Smiling to the stars, iPod in hand, walking down the road.
All I could think about was you.
You've made me the happiest I've ever been.
I have no shame, walking along, singing my heart out to a song that makes me smile no matter what mood I'm in.
Right before my mom pulls up in front of me, I gaze up at the sky and take one last look at the beautiful starry night.
My mom's approaching in the suburban.
That's when the shooting star showed its face.
Glowing bright, and speeding across the sky.
Before I knew it, it was gone. And I hadn't wished for anything.
Then I realized... I had nothing to wish for. Everything I wanted, I had.
I was happy.
You... Without you, this happiness wouldn't exist for me.
You're my everything.
All I ever think about is you, and how perfect you are.

From The Worst, Came The BEST

Right when things were getting good, they instantly dropped back down...
But from there... Life threw me a homerun, and they shot to the stars.

When I thought I had lost Ryan... We spent 2 days not talking much, just letting the conversation about Graduation die down.
2 days was too much. I caved. I waited for him in the fourth plaza. He saw me, smiled, and hugged me. So we talked. And things were fine.
Then it hit me. I think about the future too much. He's still here, and I'm still here. So, if we're both still here, why not let things run naturally and enjoy the time we have together?

I was happy with this conclusion, too. Until something better came my way.
He texted me...
He was sad.
He was angry.
He was confused.
So, after I gave him time to calm down until he was ready to talk about it, I got his text.

He felt bad he couldn't feel for me how I feel for him. He wishes he could.
I understand that completely. Hormones are not something you can control.
He said I remind him a lot of his ex, and of himself.
He said we could date, and he could probably fall in love with me, but he doesn't want us to break up and lose each other. He's also scared I would hurt myself, badly.
I told him there's nothing to worry about and that no matter what, I will always love him.
He told me it is possible that he could love me. But he's too scared for me, to try.

I love him. There's nobody else. I truly believe he's the one that's perfect for me. I wish wish everything in me that it could work itself out and nothing bad would ever happen with us. I wish we could just get through everything.I wish he could understand my love for him. I wish he loved me back.
But for where we're at.. I'm 100% happy.

All At Once, The Worst Came To The Worst

Being honest and asking for the truth sometimes comes back to get you.
I'm glad I did it though.
I have no regrets.
Nothing is left unsaid.
Even if the answer was what I was dreading.
It was the answer I needed.
And until Graduation comes to separate us...
I'm here.
And he's here.
And that's all that matters right now.

Graduation is approaching. No, I am not a Senior.

I have never dreaded Graduation this bad before.
June 1st... 2 weeks before we get out of school, the Seniors will be gone.
Ryan will be gone.
He will have graduated and left.
I want to go with him... Wherever it is he goes.
I don't want to lose him.
I wish I could prevent this, but I can't.
All I know is I need him and I want him to stay.
I am going to cry so much watching him graduate and know he will be leaving.
I won't see him every day anymore.
I won't be able to text him all the time because he's going to be busy with college...
This sucks.
My heart hurts.
I feel like crying.
But I don't.
I stay strong and enjoy my time with him. I'm more honest and open with him than anyone. I tell him everything I want to say, as soon as I want to say it. I tell him everything I think, as soon as I think it.
He wants me to. So nothing goes unsaid.
I want that too.
I'm glad things have been so amazing between us.
I just hope that doesn't die as soon as he graduates...

1 Hit = 1 Smile

You start off saying "We'll smoke one."
After that one, you say "Oh, just one more."
Next thing you know you're smoking half of what you've got.
You forget. You have fun. You laugh, and smoke some more.

One thing leads to the next, and you're having a party, enjoying the night and the moments you might not remember. For a while, you've escaped. You can be free, and have fun with nothing in the way, except the time. And when your high dies.

But don't worry. Because that's when you start up again!

Little Black Submarines - The Black Keys

Oh, can it be.
The voices calling me.
They get lost.
And out of time.
I should've seen it glow.
But everybody knows.
That a broken heart.
Is blind.

I Can Feel The Emotion Growing

Love, in some form, is there. Love for him, from me. And love for me, from him.
In some shape or form, it's there.
And the more we talk, the more it grows.
Mine's always been larger than his...
Half of my love is love as friends, the other half is in love.
I'm almost positive his is pure friend love.
But it doesn't matter.
It's there. And it's getting stronger. For both of us.
I know it. And he knows it.
I'm glad we're getting so close.
I'm glad things are getting so much smoother between us.
I'm glad we have no shame in our friendship.

I love him. And that won't change. I'm relieved that I found someone worth loving.

The First Line Of Scarlet Is The Most Hypnotic

Some people just do the common "slit, slit, done". Well not me. I'm different.
The first cut... When you feel the pain, but it's almost not like pain... It's like a release of emotions. You feel a moment of stress free - relief.
Then you see the blood make its way out of your skin. It trickles along until your body decides to try to heal the wound, and it clots.
That's when the anxiety starts coming back. So you continue. Enough until you feel a little better.
Not so numb.
Not so not-in-control.
Not so hopeless.
For the time being, you're in control of everything concerning yourself. You're all powerful. You can feel again.
After the first line of liquid red, it gets easier and easier to keep going. The more red you see, the more in the danger zone you are.
But you don't care. Nothing stops you, but you.
And you always know when it's time to stop.

Depression

Depression is something that seems impossible to escape. The feeling of sorrow for either none or many reasons. All the time, constantly feeling hopeless. Music and art and friendship help me survive every day. As I struggle to find strength in myself, I find myself being more and more scared to continue through the day, let alone the week, month, year... What do I do when I'm numb to the core? The only thing I thought could make me feel again. I grabbed anything that could break skin and make me bleed. The pain was what I wanted. What I craved. Emotional pain is life-threatening. Physical pain is only temporary. Transferring the emotional to physical made me feel alive, but once it was over, I felt bad about what I had done. I purposefully damaged my skin. Skin God created for a reason.l What helped me stop my cutting urges was when I fell in love. Real love. For the second time in my life, love was what saved me from myself.
Having someone in my life that made me happy simply by being alive.
Someone who took up 90% of my daily thoughts.
Someone I was always talking to.
He changed how I looked at life. He gave me something to look forward to everday. For a while I thought my Depression was gone, but the truth was, it only ceased for the time being. When I can find aspects about life that I can put my passion into, my mind is occupied and I can find peace, if only for a moment or two.
When I start drawing, it's like an instant high. I can take time to find something to draw, but once I start, I don't stop until it's done.
My music is something that is a part of me. I have had a passion for music since I was little. It's gotten me through everything in my life. Good and bad. When I feel like my hope is dying, I turn it up a little louder, to drown out the world, and my thoughts. When I', trying to stay sane, music is what heals me. Nobody except a few people truly understand that. I wish more people could understand that. Could understand me. Could understand my thought process.
I've been in and out of hell my entire life. Being fought over by God and Statan. My life has put my through so much pain, that I learned from it, and it taught me how to be real. So I guess that I am thankful. Even though in the time, it makes so sense. In the long run, I'm glad I can look back on what I've surpassed.

Think About It

Turn my mic up louder I got to say something
Light weights step to the side when we come in

Feel it in your chest the syllables get pumping
People on the street they panic and start running

Words on loose leaf sheet complete coming
I jump in my mind and summon the rhyme, I'm dumping

Healing the blind I promise to let the sun in
Sick of the dark ways we march to the drum and

Jump when they tell us that they wanna see jumping
Fuck that I wanna see some fists pumping

Risk something, take back what's yours
Say something that you know they might attack you for

Cause I'm sick of being treated like I have before
Like it's stupid standing for what I'm standing for

Like this war's really just a different brand of war
Like it doesn't cater the rich and abandon poor

Like they understand you in the back of the jet
When you can't put gas in your tank

These fuckers are laughing their way to the bank and cashing the check
Asking you to have compassion and have some respect

For a leader so nervous in an obvious way
Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay

And the rest of the world watching at the end of the day
In their living room laughing like "what did he say?"

Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen

In my living room watching but I am not laughing
Cause when it gets tense I know what might happen

World is cold the bold men take action
Have to react or get blown into fractions

Ten years old it's something to see
Another kid my age drug under a jeep

Taken and bound and found later under a tree
I wonder if he had thought the next one could be me

Do you see the soldiers they're out today
They brush the dust from bullet proof vests away

It's ironic at times like this you pray
But a bomb blew the mosque up yesterday

There's bombs in the buses, bikes, roads
Inside your market, your shops, your clothes

My dad he's got a lot of fear I know
But enough pride inside not to let that show

My brother had a book he would hold with pride
A little red cover with a broken spine

On the back, he hand-wrote a quote inside
When the rich wage war it's the poor who die

Meanwhile, the leader just talks away
Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay

And the rest of the world watching at the end of the day
both scared and angry like "what did he say?"

Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen

With hands held high into the sky so blue,
As the ocean opens up to swallow you.

With hands held high into the sky so blue,
As the ocean opens up to swallow you.

With hands held high into the sky so blue,
As the ocean opens up to swallow you.

With hands held high into the sky so blue,
As the ocean opens up to swallow you.

With hands held high into the sky so blue,
As the ocean opens up to swallow you.

With hands held high into the sky so blue,
As the ocean opens up to swallow you.


Hands Held High - Linkin Park <3

He's Still The One For Me

I honestly don't think I will ever stop loving Ryan.
He's everything I have ever wanted in a guy.
He's everything that completes me.
He knows what to say at all occassions.
He makes me happy just by breathing.
He understands me more than most people do.
He has a lot of the same experiences/feelings/thoughts I do.
He knows what to do to get me through my Depression.
He's nice to everyone just because there's no point not to.
He stands up for what he believes in, and doesn't take anyone's crap.
He's strong. Inside and out.
He's attractive. Both physically and personality wise.
He has a good heart, with good intentions.
He's all I could ever ask for.
In my head, he's right.
He is invincible. <3