What I Think About At Night

I remember Ryan making a blog post a while back saying that he likes to imagine me sleeping. He likes to picture me in bed, dreaming.

Ever since I read that, whenever I get in bed, I lay there and think about Ryan until I fall asleep. Sometimes, when I'm lonely, I imagine he's next to me, holding on to me. And as pathetic as it is, everyone does it... Sometimes I miss him enough to grab a pillow and cuddle with it as if it were him.

Before I fall asleep, I get comfortable, and wonder what he's thinking about... Or dreaming about, if he's asleep..
I wonder how different it'd be if I was with him.

I lay there and wonder if he is dreaming of me...
Like now... I'm about to go to bed... and I can't help but wonder how he is.

He doesn't have his phone and I can't text him or call him... But I'm still curious...
I wonder what he's dreaming about... I wonder if he's happy... I wonder if he'll think of me when he wakes up... I wonder what goes through his head when he thinks of me...

I wonder what he thinks when he first sees me everyday... I wonder if he EVER gets chills like I do..
I wonder if there are things I do that give him butterflies or make him feel how I do when he does certain things...

I wonder if he thinks about marrying me as much as I think about marrying him..
I wonder if he thinks about me in general as much as I think about him.

I wish I knew how much he loved me... I wish I could feel what he feels so I knew...
But I can't.

I don't know. I think about a lot at night. A lot concerning Ryan.

I love him so much... Even with everything that happened... Ryan and I are decently back to normal... Enough that I don't constantly feel like shit, but it still hits me every now and then...

It's okay... I know we'll be alright. I can't wait for this summer...
And like Garrett said: after a little bit of time and we accept everything... we will go back to normal and everything we once were, we will be again. As of now, I just wish I was with him, sleeping in his arms. <3