My Emotions Are Going To Kill Us...

Well a few things happened tonight that made me realize how fucked I am come junior year...

Well... I was hanging out with Sarah, Ross and Logan.
Everything was awesome. We were having fun, and then I realized a lot of shit about Ryan and I's relationship that wasn't what I wanted to think about... Mostly, it was about how last weekend killed our love... Like a lot.
Not completely, but enough that it was easy to be away from Ryan... It didn't really bother me at all... Like it use to.

Sarah said something about how it seems like my emotions are changing a lot... And she was right.
So I got scared of myself. Got extremely depressed. And separated myself from the happy people. I went to sit by myself so I wouldn't ruin their good time.
We eventually went to Sarah's house and started watching movies.
I cried at the end of Where The Wild Things Are... a lot... Partly because it was sad, but it was mainly me trying to get some of my emotional buildup out... And when Max left the Wild Things, it made me think of Ryan leaving me for college... So, yeah... I cried a lot.

Then we watched Tarzan. I should have said no to it, because we weren't with Ryan and it felt so wrong to not watch it with him.
And the music played, and I got even more depressed because I missed Ryan so much and was DYING to be with him.
As the movie continued, I only felt worse and worse.
And then I look over and see Ross and Sarah imitating part of the movie, and LITERALLY, was like 2 seconds away from BURSTING into tears... All the emotion buildup got shoved up my throat, and I thought I was gonna start bawling, so I tried to separate their hands as a semi-joke. And then I got super emotional and laid on the couch to calm my stomach.

I had read Ryan's blog and was feeling happier, but still emotional. More Phil Collins music played and I got super teary and cried silently.. It got to the part where Jane had to leave Tarzan and I couldn't handle it... And then more college thoughts came to mind... That's when I realized how fucked I am once Ryan leaves... Jane and Tarzan are suppose to stick together... And if he leaves... for 4 years... Jesus Christ... Yeah, I'll be able to see him every now and then when he visits, but if I cried 3 times in one DAY from being away from him.... I am NOT going to be able to handle 4 years... or however long he plans to go to college... And I have NO idea what to do about it... Because I can't do ANYTHING about it...
He's leaving. It's inevitable... He can't stay... And when he's gone... I'm screwed...
I'll be more depressed than ever...

So now, Ryan's asleep... And I'm at Sarah's trying my hardest to not break down even though I KNOW I need to... And because it would be weird if I just started crying, I got some serious thoughts about cutting myself... But I can't do that either... I need to go to sleep... But sleeping while feeling like this, is impossible.