When it comes down to it....
I'm more alone than I ever realized.
Who do I have that I KNOW still care about me?
Ryan. Sarah. Brogin. Ken. Brittany. Steve. Codie.
Honestly, that's all I can think of right now...
To the point, where I'm almost positive that I've lost a lot of my friends.
My huge friend group has broken up into smaller groups.
Me, Brogin and Ken.
Tessa, Hailey, and Ashlee.
Mackenzie, Jake and Keegin.
And then Loginn.
Meganne left our group.
And so did Bert for the most part.
What happened to us?
Everyone keeps getting pissed off at everyone.. And honestly, I need summer more than I've ever needed it before in my life.
I'm beyond stressed... I'm emotional as shit. Ryan's leaving... I'm losing my friends. I have to go to court... It's inevitable. I have til the end of the month to do 10 hours and I can't do it. It's literally impossible now, so my mom's and my relationship is gonna go down to hell again... I just don't know what to do anymore... I try my best and all it gets me is deeper and deeper into this hopelessness.
I'm so glad I have Brogin and Ken... I know they love me no matter what. They actually accept me 100%.
Sometimes it seems like they're all I have...
Mom's gone half the time.
Mackenzie has been really weird recently.
Sarah, I have, but only at times, it seems like.
Ryan can't deal with me all the time... He's emotional too. AND he has to leave. I can't be around him all the time. I can't keep depending on him.
YoungLife is over and is changing so much that I don't trust anyone there except Savi.
Evan and I don't talk anymore.
Jake and I don't talk anymore.
Evin McCain is gone.
Mr.Price is gone.
My dad's gone...
My brothers don't understand... Alex would, but he's almost impossible to get ahold of...
I just don't know anymore.
What do I do? Ryan won't even be at school anymore... And I have to sit through graduation in a couple days and bawl my eyes out there, too.
I can't do this.
I've been strong my whole life and ever since I moved to Sisters, I've been broken... Crumpled up and thrown away by almost everyone who has walked into my life.
Nobody understands what I go through. Nobody understands where I've been. Nobody understands how I feel on a daily basis.
Nobody understands that I can fake a smile... and be screaming for help on the inside...
Sometimes it even happens with my friends. I can't be real with them sometimes... I have to hide because that's all I know...
So here I am... Desperately crying and trying to calm down.
I know Ken's probably doing the same because of Natalie and that makes me feel worse.
And honestly... I want to hurt myself.
BADLY.
It's like it's my only option...
I hate being alone...
I better get use to it.
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