Funny FMLs I Thought I Would Share With You

"Today, not only did my boyfriend set my hair on fire, but he attempted to put it out by dumping bong water on my head."

"Today, I had to collect my daughter from the hospital. Her boyfriend was even more upset than she was, because his iPhone's screen was damaged beyond repair while the doctor pulled it out of my daughter's vagina." (Can I just say... OUCH? Jesus, why would you shove an iPhone up your vagina... ohmygod, people.)

"Today, I woke up after a long night of drinking with my friends. I vaguely remembered visiting a tattoo parlour, but nothing prepared me for the sight of the words "YOLO" and "MOFO" tattooed across the fingers of my left and right hands. Now I'm officially a bandwagoning douchebag."

(this one isn't funny. Just kinda sad. haha)
"Today, my girlfriend confessed that she was scared that she was more in love with me than I in her, and that she was afraid I would leave her. So she left me instead. I'd been thinking about proposing."

"Today, I was at the supermarket checkout. I handed over my items, which included some tampons, tissues, and toilet roll. The security guard standing beside the cashier remarked loudly, "I'll be damned; she's flowing from every hole!"

"Today my boyfriend asked me to marry him, saying that the only thing he would change about me is my last name. I later told him I wanted to keep my last name after the marriage. I'm now single again."

"Today, I'm on a trip to Poland with some friends. We came to experience the country's culture and to challenge our preconceptions about this part of Europe. We had sat on a bench, and not ten seconds later, a stranger approached and asked, "How much for your friend?" "

"Today, my boyfriend got so happy when he thought he'd finally given me an orgasm. I was covering the urge to sneeze." (hahaha this is hilarious!)

"Today, if you live in California, you might have seen a crazy drunk guy naked in front of McDonald's, waving at everyone. Yeah, that was probably me."

(this one reminds me of Ryan and his dad.)
"Today, I argued heavily with my dad over being dragged to a family game of lacrosse. All through the game, he kept "accidentally" hurling the ball straight at me on the sideline. After he eventually nailed me straight in the heart, he screamed at me to "get out of the fucking way". "

oh, FMLs... You so funny. :3