I've Finally Come To Accept What's Happened

Our group from the beginning.
Me, Brogin, Ken, Mackenzie, Ashlee, Hailey, Tessa, Meganne, Maria, Bert, Alaina. I'm sure there were a few more.

Now look at us.
It's turned to this:
Me, Ken, Brogin.
Ashlee, Hailey, Tessa.
Maria and Alaina.
Bert who is still with us, but is usually with Tasha.
And Mackenzie, Meganne, Jake, Keegin and them.

At first, I was really saddened by it. But today confirmed some things.
1. People change.
2. Shit happens... And it all happens for a reason.
3. TRUE FRIENDS, are the ones that stick by you through EVERYTHING.

I've come to terms with the fact that Mackenzie likes me a hell of a lot less than she use to...
I think it's the same thing with Brogin too.
Hell, even Keegin has noticed her attitude change towards everyone and he's even bothered by it, but is trying to remain intact with her.
I tried. I lost.
She says wait til Summer.
But I say, what's gonna change?
I hope we can be friends still. I hope we can still be close like we were.. But it's starting to look like she's given up on our friendship. I think she's moving on.

I'm convinced that Jake has kinda got her in her own little world now.
I love Jake, don't get me wrong, but it's hard to show him that we're friends, when Kenz either gets bothered that anyone hugs him or talks to him, or that he follows her around.
Also, Kenz is the same way. It is impossible to talk to either of them nowadays.
Kenzie's stopped caring. And I understand she has so much shit going on, but that's never a reason to drop your friends.

Anyway... We're all moving on from that. From all of it, honestly. I've talked with Brogin and Ken and we all realize that we're kinda all each other has now.

It seems even our tight friend group is turning into backstabbers, liars, and fake friends.
I don't know who to trust anymore..


This has all been effecting me so much that it's hard to even trust Sarah recently... She sometimes says things as a joke and I get seriously mad. It happened today in Bio... I almost walked out of the room before the test.
I don't know why. But what I do know, is this:
Summer will solve some of these problems.
Time will DEFINITELY solve these problems.
And those I still have, we need to stick together.

Ken said something last night. Something that didn't really transfer in me until now.
"Why are you sorry? You're sorry for feeling and having emotions? We aren't going to hate you for that."
Ryan has said that before, but to hear it from her too, made me realize that they REALLY are here for me until the end.
They love me no matter what. And that's returned right back to them.
Some people get pissed when people feel something other than happiness.
Well sorry.
Can't help it.
Also, it seems the most NONjudgmental people ever, have turned into THE most judgmental people ever.

But it doesn't matter. I'm still gonna be here for those people when they fall. When they need me, I'll support them. Even if they don't support me.

It's called staying TRUE, and being the bigger person.


The point is....
A lot has changed.. Hell, EVERYTHING has changed.
And I'm keeping the people who mean most to me, close. Because since I've lost about everyone else in a spans of 3 weeks, it made me realize who are true and who aren't.

Ken and Brogin... The three of us are friends now until death do us part. <3

Maybe things will go back to normal next year... Maybe they wont..
But there's always this:
Sometimes things fall apart, so that better things can fall together.

I'm Just About Done...

When it comes down to it....
I'm more alone than I ever realized.

Who do I have that I KNOW still care about me?
Ryan. Sarah. Brogin. Ken. Brittany. Steve. Codie.
Honestly, that's all I can think of right now...

To the point, where I'm almost positive that I've lost a lot of my friends.
My huge friend group has broken up into smaller groups.
Me, Brogin and Ken.
Tessa, Hailey, and Ashlee.
Mackenzie, Jake and Keegin.
And then Loginn.
Meganne left our group.
And so did Bert for the most part.

What happened to us?
Everyone keeps getting pissed off at everyone.. And honestly, I need summer more than I've ever needed it before in my life.
I'm beyond stressed... I'm emotional as shit. Ryan's leaving... I'm losing my friends. I have to go to court... It's inevitable. I have til the end of the month to do 10 hours and I can't do it. It's literally impossible now, so my mom's and my relationship is gonna go down to hell again... I just don't know what to do anymore... I try my best and all it gets me is deeper and deeper into this hopelessness.

I'm so glad I have Brogin and Ken... I know they love me no matter what. They actually accept me 100%.
Sometimes it seems like they're all I have...
Mom's gone half the time.
Mackenzie has been really weird recently.
Sarah, I have, but only at times, it seems like.
Ryan can't deal with me all the time... He's emotional too. AND he has to leave. I can't be around him all the time. I can't keep depending on him.
YoungLife is over and is changing so much that I don't trust anyone there except Savi.
Evan and I don't talk anymore.
Jake and I don't talk anymore.
Evin McCain is gone.
Mr.Price is gone.
My dad's gone...
My brothers don't understand... Alex would, but he's almost impossible to get ahold of...

I just don't know anymore.
What do I do? Ryan won't even be at school anymore... And I have to sit through graduation in a couple days and bawl my eyes out there, too.

I can't do this.
I've been strong my whole life and ever since I moved to Sisters, I've been broken... Crumpled up and thrown away by almost everyone who has walked into my life.
Nobody understands what I go through. Nobody understands where I've been. Nobody understands how I feel on a daily basis.
Nobody understands that I can fake a smile... and be screaming for help on the inside...
Sometimes it even happens with my friends. I can't be real with them sometimes... I have to hide because that's all I know...

So here I am... Desperately crying and trying to calm down.
I know Ken's probably doing the same because of Natalie and that makes me feel worse.
And honestly... I want to hurt myself.
BADLY.
It's like it's my only option...
I hate being alone...

I better get use to it.

Ryan's Mom... I Know You Read My Blog, So PLEASE Read This.

I love your son... Ryan has saved me from my darkest hours more times than I can count. And for the record, I'm just as lost and confused as you are about why Ryan loves me back.
Look, we both struggle with hardcore Depression.
I also have anxiety and come from a past that would shock you to see me still alive today.

So, please... I'm just BEGGING you... Give me a chance.. I'm not a bad person.. I know you guys think I'm a bad influence on Ryan.. That I'm ruining him or something...
I'm trying to keep us both out of trouble, but with how emotional I am, a lot of the time, I need Ryan to be with me so I can be okay and not hurt myself. That's why he stays out late with me sometimes. And then you guys get mad at both him and me. And I don't know how to fix it! I'm trying so hard to make everyone happy, but it seems like the more I'm around, the more you hate me... I can't tell you the amount of times I've cried because all I want is my boyfriend's parents to like me and approve of me... I don't know what to do to make that happen... and I need help.

I come from a past that has made me into who I am today.. And I know it's very possible that you don't care and don't want to hear it. But please... I'm not a bad person.. I try to be the best person I can.
I'm just struggling to survive in life... And Ryan helps me. And I help him....
I hope you can see that as a good thing, because it is.
For a while, Ryan was the ONLY good thing going on in my life... and to be totally honest, if it weren't for him, I wouldn't be here right now. Like I said, he saved me..
He's gotten me through more than I can even begin to explain.

He's everything to me.
We're the couple that can be serious and loving.
We can goof off and joke around with each other and just have a good time.
We can be realistic and mature.
We can be anything we need to be.

Ryan... He means so much to me... And if I don't have him, I don't know what will happen to me...
So please, please, PLEASE just give me a chance... I want you both to love me like I'm family... I want you to care about me and I want us to have a good relationship, so that Ryan and I can be happy together...

Please....
I'm begging you... I'll do anything it takes to get your approval... Just please let Ryan and I stay together..
Please accept me for who I am and take the time to get to know me...
Please...

One Bucket List Item Crossed Off My List

Not going into detail..
Just gonna say:

THAT AWKWARD MOMENT.

Bad Chills...

I hate having bad chills...
It happens when I know something bad is gonna happen.
Or when I know something is gonna go wrong, like someone I care about will get Depressed..
Or like now, when people hesitate.

Hesitation KILLS me.
It hurts to sit and wait for a response.

Ryan did that yesterday. We were in the car, and I said "I love you." And he was spacing out, so he didn't respond for a minute. And I got that stress build up feeling you get when you're about to cry.
He said it back, but it seemed half-assed like he didn't mean it. I KNOW HE DID.
But my emotions always go to worse-case scenario.

It just happened again. But he responded.
I'm just paranoid....

So many people have lied to me before.

For Some Reason, I Think I'm About To Cry...

"We lie beneath the stars at night. Our hands gripping each other tight. You keep my secrets, hope to die. Promises, swear them to the sky. The bittersweet between my teeth. Trying to find the in between. Fall back in love eventually."
I think I got my hopes up too far earlier, because it was a serious let down when it didn't happen.
I'm pretty much playing Mario Kart on autopilot while listening to YoungBlood on repeat through my house.
I'm just sitting on the couch, singing and trying not to cry.
I'm getting the feeling of stress in your heart and stomach when you know you need to cry and let it out, but don't want to and try to hold it back.

Ugh.
Why am I so emotional?
I wanted a really cute and romantic moment, and when I didn't get it, it hurt more than it probably should have.

Whatever. I'm being ridiculous... Like always.
It's no wonder he doesn't fight back in "I love you more" fights anymore.
It's impossible to love someone like me, as much as I love him.

I need to stop thinking that's going to happen. Because it won't.

It Rained. Got My Hopes Up. They Got Crushed.

The awkward moment when your ex and your boyfriend's ex are best friends....
That has nothing to do with this post, I just thought I'd point it out.


Anyway... I was walking around town, because I was gonna go draw and work on my photography, when it down poured.
I was in the best mood ever, listening to "YoungBlood" by The Naked and Famous, which I listen to when I'm in really intense moods. And I was singing, I had a huge smile on my face, and it rained. You'd think I'd get upset, right?
Nope! I just got even happier! I couldn't stop smiling, I was laughing and having a great time walking through town.

Then it hit me.
IT WAS RAINING.
I have never kissed in the rain before!!
So I headed home, and texted Ryan about 6 times.
No answer.

Kept walking with high hopes that maybe he just KNEW and was waiting for me at my house or I'd see him or something.
I ran into Ray, and we talked for a little bit, but he was drunk off his ass, so I said I'd catch him later.
I got home, and nope... Ryan was nowhere to be found. So, I called him since he hadn't responded to my texts.
No answer...
I left a voicemail. But the rain had died down and I was drenched from head to toe.
So, I went inside, and my good mood disappeared.
Now I'm playing Mario Kart by myself in hopes that somehow, it'll return...

Maybe Ryan will actually respond to me... Probably not...
Maybe he'll come see me. Doubt it.
But hey, you never know.

That Moment When You Become Bipolar

Sooo I've been on an off all day.

People are treating me badly recently, so I've been feeling really odd all day.
Also, I hung out with Ryan once I was in a good mood today.
Then his dad came home, and on the way back to my house, something happened that got me really emotional.
He dropped me off and I came inside and cried for about 5 minutes....
Had a slight breakdown...
Whatever.
What else is new?

Then I watched some TV and got on the phone with Sarah as Brogin walked in.

Now I'm fine because I'm snacking and watching Brogiiii unlock shit on Mario Kart.(:

That Moment When Your Emotions Can't Stay Constant

I know I have a reason to be pissed and I am. But then I talk to Ryan and get scared he's mad at me for being a bitch.... So I start crying...

Right now, I'm either pissed or sad.
Lovely.
God.. Maybe I just need some sleep...

I Won't Lie. It Pissed Me Off.

I don't trust her anymore. Not 100%.

After the party, I can't get myself to trust her anymore.
You guys kissed. And then you say you're just "bros"?
Any time she says your name, I get pissed, because I know she's talking about the party.

And I don't want her to remember that. I want her to forget it ever happened.
I don't care if the kiss meant nothing.
It happened and I'm protective enough as it is.
I don't want her to even look at him, let alone talk to him.

She's bitching about Hunter again?
COOL. What else is fucking new? That's all she fucking does.
She whines and complains, and then when they're in person, they're practically dating like nothing is wrong.

Not only that, but she's being a bitch to EVERYONE.
Not just me.

So yeah, in my opinion, she can FUCK OFF.
I am done with her bullshit. No, I'm NOT "friends" with her.
Do I talk to her every now and then? Yes. But no. We are NOT friends.

And I don't plan on being her friend until she gets her fucking life together. I don't want to deal with her shit.
I'm sorry. I know I'm being a bitchy girlfriend... But I have my right to be.

I'm just hoping he respects me and doesn't talk to her... I have my reasons...


And here. Ryan, since I know you're lost.
Here's my explanation:
SHE BACKSTABS EVERYONE. Not just me. She's been doing it for a long time.
Ken, Ashlee, and Brogin are good people. I love them because they're true friends to me. I don't want you to be mad at them, because I AM going to be hanging out with them. Hence, why you're not mad at them anymore.
But with Loginn, YES. I can be mad at her. Because she's been a bitch anyway. To not only me, but Mackenzie too. Along with others.
She needs to get her shit together and figure herself out before I can accept her back into my life. Otherwise, I'm just gonna get dragged into her bullshit.

My Dream About A Possible Future?

I dream about us living in California... Somewhere with a farm... Not too big.. Just something small and comfortable..
Somewhere safe and peaceful. Where we can relax and be happy.
Owning a husky puppy and a cat... Living with Sarah and whatever guy she brings along.

A place where we can take late night walks together in a big, empty field.
A place with a porch where we can watch the sun go down.
A place with a big, beautiful weeping willow tree that we can sit under together and tell stories.
A place with a forest nearby, where we can go adventuring through the trees.
A place where I can find inspiration in my art and take beautiful pictures.
A place where we can all feel at home.
A place where we can have BBQs and get togethers and enjoy our space.
A place with a hammock that we can cuddle up in together.
A place where we can camp out in our backyard and we can make it a night to remember.
A place with a garden full of life and character.
A place where we can play music as loud as we want.
And most importantly, a place where we can be ourselves and just be happy. <3


I don't know how you feel about any of this... It's just something that I think would be incredible.
And babe, if you don't mind, would you make a blog post about what you dream of our future being like?
I'm so curious and I would love to see what you imagine. <3

And no matter what happens, I love you baby. <3 ALWAYS.

Dear Ryan - Maybe One Day

Maybe one day we won't have to worry about curfews.

Maybe one day, we won't be the only ones fighting for our relationship.

Maybe one day, your parents will actually like me and accept me...

Maybe one day, we won't be the only ones caring.

Maybe one day, we can be the perfect couple we known we can be.

Maybe one day, everyone will be happy for us. 

Maybe one day, people will see us for who we really are. 

Maybe one day, you'll never have to leave me.

Maybe one day, we can leave this town.

Maybe one day, we can get married... Not any time soon, but maybe one day...

Maybe one day, we can officially start living our lives together.

Maybe one day, nobody will try to stop us from being in love.

Maybe one day, people will look at us and say "they belong together."

Maybe one day, we can help make each others' dreams come true.

Maybe one day, this feeling will never go away.

Maybe one day, we can be together forever, just like Tarzan and Jane. <3

Nobody else understands... But thank you for giving me a chance. Thank you for being the best thing that's ever happened to me. Thank you for saving me and giving me something to live for. Thank you for falling in love with me, and for fighting for us, when nobody else would. Thank you for making me feel like I matter. Thank you for caring about me, protecting me, and loving me.
Thank you for everything.. Nobody else knows how special you are. But I do. And I will never forget. I don't care if I'm only 16. I know what true love is and I know that you and I are meant for each other.


And Sarah's right.. The song "The Perfect Two" by Auburn... It WAS written for us. "I don't know if I could ever be without you, 'cause boy, you complete me. And in time, I know that we'll both see. That we're all we need."

My Emotions Are Going To Kill Us...

Well a few things happened tonight that made me realize how fucked I am come junior year...

Well... I was hanging out with Sarah, Ross and Logan.
Everything was awesome. We were having fun, and then I realized a lot of shit about Ryan and I's relationship that wasn't what I wanted to think about... Mostly, it was about how last weekend killed our love... Like a lot.
Not completely, but enough that it was easy to be away from Ryan... It didn't really bother me at all... Like it use to.

Sarah said something about how it seems like my emotions are changing a lot... And she was right.
So I got scared of myself. Got extremely depressed. And separated myself from the happy people. I went to sit by myself so I wouldn't ruin their good time.
We eventually went to Sarah's house and started watching movies.
I cried at the end of Where The Wild Things Are... a lot... Partly because it was sad, but it was mainly me trying to get some of my emotional buildup out... And when Max left the Wild Things, it made me think of Ryan leaving me for college... So, yeah... I cried a lot.

Then we watched Tarzan. I should have said no to it, because we weren't with Ryan and it felt so wrong to not watch it with him.
And the music played, and I got even more depressed because I missed Ryan so much and was DYING to be with him.
As the movie continued, I only felt worse and worse.
And then I look over and see Ross and Sarah imitating part of the movie, and LITERALLY, was like 2 seconds away from BURSTING into tears... All the emotion buildup got shoved up my throat, and I thought I was gonna start bawling, so I tried to separate their hands as a semi-joke. And then I got super emotional and laid on the couch to calm my stomach.

I had read Ryan's blog and was feeling happier, but still emotional. More Phil Collins music played and I got super teary and cried silently.. It got to the part where Jane had to leave Tarzan and I couldn't handle it... And then more college thoughts came to mind... That's when I realized how fucked I am once Ryan leaves... Jane and Tarzan are suppose to stick together... And if he leaves... for 4 years... Jesus Christ... Yeah, I'll be able to see him every now and then when he visits, but if I cried 3 times in one DAY from being away from him.... I am NOT going to be able to handle 4 years... or however long he plans to go to college... And I have NO idea what to do about it... Because I can't do ANYTHING about it...
He's leaving. It's inevitable... He can't stay... And when he's gone... I'm screwed...
I'll be more depressed than ever...

So now, Ryan's asleep... And I'm at Sarah's trying my hardest to not break down even though I KNOW I need to... And because it would be weird if I just started crying, I got some serious thoughts about cutting myself... But I can't do that either... I need to go to sleep... But sleeping while feeling like this, is impossible.

What I Think About At Night

I remember Ryan making a blog post a while back saying that he likes to imagine me sleeping. He likes to picture me in bed, dreaming.

Ever since I read that, whenever I get in bed, I lay there and think about Ryan until I fall asleep. Sometimes, when I'm lonely, I imagine he's next to me, holding on to me. And as pathetic as it is, everyone does it... Sometimes I miss him enough to grab a pillow and cuddle with it as if it were him.

Before I fall asleep, I get comfortable, and wonder what he's thinking about... Or dreaming about, if he's asleep..
I wonder how different it'd be if I was with him.

I lay there and wonder if he is dreaming of me...
Like now... I'm about to go to bed... and I can't help but wonder how he is.

He doesn't have his phone and I can't text him or call him... But I'm still curious...
I wonder what he's dreaming about... I wonder if he's happy... I wonder if he'll think of me when he wakes up... I wonder what goes through his head when he thinks of me...

I wonder what he thinks when he first sees me everyday... I wonder if he EVER gets chills like I do..
I wonder if there are things I do that give him butterflies or make him feel how I do when he does certain things...

I wonder if he thinks about marrying me as much as I think about marrying him..
I wonder if he thinks about me in general as much as I think about him.

I wish I knew how much he loved me... I wish I could feel what he feels so I knew...
But I can't.

I don't know. I think about a lot at night. A lot concerning Ryan.

I love him so much... Even with everything that happened... Ryan and I are decently back to normal... Enough that I don't constantly feel like shit, but it still hits me every now and then...

It's okay... I know we'll be alright. I can't wait for this summer...
And like Garrett said: after a little bit of time and we accept everything... we will go back to normal and everything we once were, we will be again. As of now, I just wish I was with him, sleeping in his arms. <3

Funny FMLs I Thought I Would Share With You

"Today, not only did my boyfriend set my hair on fire, but he attempted to put it out by dumping bong water on my head."

"Today, I had to collect my daughter from the hospital. Her boyfriend was even more upset than she was, because his iPhone's screen was damaged beyond repair while the doctor pulled it out of my daughter's vagina." (Can I just say... OUCH? Jesus, why would you shove an iPhone up your vagina... ohmygod, people.)

"Today, I woke up after a long night of drinking with my friends. I vaguely remembered visiting a tattoo parlour, but nothing prepared me for the sight of the words "YOLO" and "MOFO" tattooed across the fingers of my left and right hands. Now I'm officially a bandwagoning douchebag."

(this one isn't funny. Just kinda sad. haha)
"Today, my girlfriend confessed that she was scared that she was more in love with me than I in her, and that she was afraid I would leave her. So she left me instead. I'd been thinking about proposing."

"Today, I was at the supermarket checkout. I handed over my items, which included some tampons, tissues, and toilet roll. The security guard standing beside the cashier remarked loudly, "I'll be damned; she's flowing from every hole!"

"Today my boyfriend asked me to marry him, saying that the only thing he would change about me is my last name. I later told him I wanted to keep my last name after the marriage. I'm now single again."

"Today, I'm on a trip to Poland with some friends. We came to experience the country's culture and to challenge our preconceptions about this part of Europe. We had sat on a bench, and not ten seconds later, a stranger approached and asked, "How much for your friend?" "

"Today, my boyfriend got so happy when he thought he'd finally given me an orgasm. I was covering the urge to sneeze." (hahaha this is hilarious!)

"Today, if you live in California, you might have seen a crazy drunk guy naked in front of McDonald's, waving at everyone. Yeah, that was probably me."

(this one reminds me of Ryan and his dad.)
"Today, I argued heavily with my dad over being dragged to a family game of lacrosse. All through the game, he kept "accidentally" hurling the ball straight at me on the sideline. After he eventually nailed me straight in the heart, he screamed at me to "get out of the fucking way". "

oh, FMLs... You so funny. :3

Us... Then and Now

I think back to the day we first met...
When we were in Radio and how infatuated with you I was...

I've told you this before, but I can't stop thinking about it.

You're the reason I stayed in Radio, because I was so close to switching out and being a T.A.

You barely knew I was alive.. You saw me every now and then, but didn't pay any attention to me.
To you, I was barely existed.
But I thought about you all the time... WAY more than you thought about me.
So there we were... Me secretly in love with the guy who barely knew my name.

From there, we eventually became friends. We were talking about 90% of each day.. From IMing on Facebook, to texting the rest of the time.
From there, you started to catch on, until I told you I liked you.

You didn't leave like I thought you would. You didn't get weirded out and ditch me because I was the depressed, emo Sophomore girl who liked you a little too much... You stayed and were still my friend, even though it was a little awkward for a while...
And that's when you and I helped each other out of Depression... We became closer, and you became my Invincible.

After that, I guess you were thinking about me one day and something inside your brain clicked, because before either of us knew it, you were telling me you were in love with me.
I will NEVER EVER EVER forget that day... I remember everything about it so clearly.
I especially remember the first text from you saying, "I guess I'll finally say it... I love you too, Lindsey."

We both know the beginning of our relationship was awkward as fuck.
Because we started with the awkward 3 days, when we were a "thing", but weren't together.
I remember sitting by you at lunch and wanting to kiss you, but knowing I shouldn't... Until that very same day, I waited for you after school, until the buses were there. You still hadn't shown, and I was going to Sarah's house. I went in and said goodbye to you. And of course, got mocked by all your friends. Isaiah specifically. So, as we were about to get on the bus, Ciara noticed that I was kinda disappointed and offered to take us, so I could wait for you to get done with your test or whatever it was.

I sat in Plaza 4. For a while, hoping to see you come out of Spear's class.
When you never did, Sarah came in and sat with me. We talked with Mrs. Strong and some friends, and I thought I was wasting my time. So I told them we should leave, since I already said goodbye to you anyway.
Almost as if you knew my thought process, you appeared in front of me, and grabbed my hand. We walked to the commons and stood by Hodges's room as you told me how surprised you were that I was still there.
We talked for a few minutes, and then I remember seeing Jake and Stephen run by, practicing for baseball..
I commented saying, "oh, that's awkward.." and after that, you pulled me in and kissed me. I got the most intense butterflies, and smiled as you asked me to be your girlfriend.
For a second, I thought about fucking with you and saying "nope!" and then saying yes, but I couldn't do it. It was so impulsive to just say yes right away. And then you kissed me again, and led me back to my friends, where Sarah gave me a look, and I tried to tell her, but all that came out was, "we... uhm... yeah..."
And all she could utter was "FUCKING FINALLY." or "It's about fucking time!" I can't remember which.
I remember biting my lip, smiling like an idiot, and being dragged off by Sarah, with you kissing me one last time, and trying to keep hold of my hand as I walked away. You turned down the hall, and once you were about halfway down, Sarah let out this ridiculous sound, and I told everyone to shut up until we got outside. I grabbed my bag, and practically ran out of the school, into the rainy afternoon. With Ciara, Megan, and Sarah on my heels, I couldn't help it... I turned into a little preppy school girl and let out a squeal. Sarah laughed at me and that's when we realized, that you were still heading to your car, and probably heard us. I mean, we WERE talking really loudly and a lot of squealing was coming out of all of us.
I couldn't stop smiling, with tears in my eyes, on our way to Sarah's house.


For the first month of our relationship, we didn't talk much... It was a lot of holding each other, and staring into each other's eyes.
But then we became more comfortable with the idea of us being a couple.
And we couldn't get enough of each other. We started goofing off with each other and being ourselves. We got use to being around each other, and everything accelerated and got so much better from there.
You became everything I had ever hoped for.

Now as I think back, I wonder how we got here...
So much has changed, while at the same time, so much has stayed the same.
I wonder what will happen....
In the future... I wonder if... I wonder if what happened will change our relationship as much as I feared... I wonder if we'll be able to just get over it...
I wonder if we'll ever be the same..

And most of all... I wonder if we're still gonna get married... I hope we can still be happy...

"If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?"

Yes, our first dance was to the original Cinema... And that should be the one that matters most to me... But the truth is,
Chasing Cars means so much more to me.

That was the second song we danced to...
I remember sitting down, singing it to myself as Sarah and Ethan were dancing... I looked over at Jake and Kenzie... And then you were in front of me, grabbing my hand and pulling me into you...
I was still singing softly to myself as we danced... I didn't think you could hear me... Until you joined in...

We sang the song to each other as we danced, and I promise you, I will NEVER forget that. It was one of the BEST moments of my life.

Sleep... Something I'm Becoming Scared Of

When I woke up at 5am, it was to fast, heavy breathing, cold sweats, and my entire body trembling uncontrollably. Do I remember why? Not at all.

I hate sleeping when Ryan's not by my side. And last night was terrible.
Now, I just realized what time it is, and I know how exhausted I am. But I don't want to go to sleep.

For several reasons:
1. I am terrified of having dreams...
2. Falling asleep alone is painful and hard to tolerate...
3. I won't lie, sometimes I get scared that I'll never wake up.

So now, what am I gonna do?
Go into my bed, wear Ryan's jacket and hide under the covers... as I try to erase all memory of last night, so I can sleep peacefully enough in my own bed... When really, all I want is to be outside, under the stars. I'd much rather fall asleep out in the open, under the moon, where I know I'm protected, than be inside my house, where memories will continue to haunt me.

To those of you who don't know me personally, I know what I just said won't make sense to you...
But hey, that's how it is...

Wish me luck... Good night... Er, in general... just... night..

"Do you think that our love can create miracles?"

All I can do is pray and pray and pray that Ryan and I will be okay...

The more I think about what happened last night, the more I realize how badly our relationship got fucked over...

I'm terrified... Ryan's my life... He's the love of my life and I can't imagine living without him...
And I'm so scared that this will tear us apart. Right now, it seems like, "oh, we'll get past it and everything will be okay."
But I can't help but wonder if I'll never get over this... If it will tear me apart... and then go for both of us...

Ryan's going to college..
He's leaving. And I'm staying here...

Anything can happen...

Ryan...
So much has been going on.
I don't know what to do about any of it. At least until this summer when we can get away from all of this and be together.
I hope we can get through this.. I hope everything truly ends up okay... Even though right now, that seems improbable and impossible...

I don't know what to do.. I don't know how to move on from this...
I want to. I want to forget this and live as though this never happened. But I don't think it's physically possible at this moment in time...

Being in this house is a constant reminder of what happened. I can't go anywhere inside or outside around my house without remembering something of last night...
It's slowly killing me from the inside out.

Everywhere I go, reminds me of everything that shouldn't have happened. Mom says we're looking for a bigger house in town to move into. Maybe then, I can get over this and move on... But until I can get out of this house, this is something I have to live with and face every day of my life until this house is out of my life.

I feel hopeless. And I feel alone.
I've never felt so alone in my life.
Yeah, I still have my friends.
But I feel like I lost you. I feel like you're gone and I'm never gonna get you back.
Like when Noah lost Allie... But eventually she came back to him... And I can only hope that you'll do the same, and come back to me.

I know I lost you. Even if you don't know it. In a way, I lost you. You're no longer mine... And until you're mine again, I'm alone... Now more than ever.

I Wish Someone Had Been There To Warn Me It Was A Bad Idea

Ryan and I are both feeling the same way.
Betrayed.
Backstabbed.
Alone.

We are both pissed at my friends. But he is more so. He wants to kick Brogin and Ashlee's asses.
He told me he loves them all dearly, but because we almost got ripped apart, he is pissed.

I know they didn't mean to hurt us... I know it was unintentional because they were wasted...
But I can't help but feel they did it on purpose... Ashlee egging it on the entire time for Ryan to get with Brogin.. As if that's not bad enough, she did it so she could hook up with ME.

You know, I'm happy Brogin got his first kiss.... But I'm so upset that it was Ryan... MY boyfriend...
I was thinking about how I feel when Ryan leans in real fast and slowly kisses me...
And the image that keeps floating through my head is when he kissed Brogin..
I got so insanely pissed off and jealous that he did that to someone that wasn't me...
And that stresses me out a lot...
I don't know how I can continue to face my friends, and Ryan..
It's so hard..

I don't know what happened to me. But as soon as I realized what was going on, I instantly sobered up.
That's when I got pissed off and depressed as shit.

Ryan says he's gonna make sure we are never in a situation like that again...
I hope he's right.

What I need help with is figuring out how to go back to normal with everyone.
Especially Ryan...
Because last night is so vivid in my head that I forgot what mine and his relationship was like before we got drunk... I forget how we feel when we're together sober... I can't get that feeling back...

I want everything to go back to normal as if nothing happened... I want to forget last night...

And I know I still have a good friend in all of my friends...
Ashlee was comforting me all night and even this morning.
Ken was constantly apologizing to me and asking me if I was okay. So was Loginn.
Brogin apologized and now he's coming to get me so we can walk around town together and talk.

NEVER AGAIN.

What was suppose to be an Amnesia party, turned out to be a full blown PARTY at my house...
I was so excited in the beginning, because I loveD being drunk. Ryan came over and I thought it would be awesome. Get drunk, hang out with friends, spend time with boyfriend, play some Amnesia...

Nope. Opposite. Hanging out with friends became MAKING OUT with them... Spending time with Ryan turned into being pulled every which direction that wasn't by Ryan. I was probably with him for an hour total... TOPS, the entire time... Oh, and playing Amnesia turned into throwing up and crying.

Awesome. Best party ever..... TOTAL SARCASM.

God I didn't want this to fucking happen. I wanted to get decently drunk and play Amnesia while hanging out with friends.
What happened, was we all got completely SHITFACED... Ashlee, Ken and Loginn all made out with me that night. And Ryan kissed Loginn and Brogin.
FUCKING GREAT, GUYS.

I'm sorry. But I've been depressed as SHIT all night and all morning. Now I have every right to be pissed and you have to agree with me.
Reasons:
1. I don't know WHY the fuck Ryan and Loginn kissed. WHAT THE HELL. I thought you were talking about HUNTER, not kissing my boyfriend!!
2. Brogin, I know you're attracted to Ryan. Okay, but that doesn't give you the right to persuade me into being okay with you kissing him because I was drunk. PLUS you were trying to go further...
3. Ashlee, Ken, and Loginn.... YES I AM BI. But I HAVE A BOYFRIEND. So you guys taking advantage of me is fucked.
4. When I tell you guys to SHUT THE FUCK UP AND BE QUIET... I mean it. I don't mean be quiet for 5 minutes and then start yelling again. I mean SHUT THE FUCK UP.
5. When I lock myself in a room, obviously that means I am trying to get myself out of a situation I shouldn't be placed in. So when I leave, LET ME GO. Unless you're truly concerned for me, like Brogin was when he knew I was cutting myself.
6. When I'm obviously sad, and you guys are cracking jokes about what I'm crying over... Yeah, not appreciated. I wanted to kick all of you out of my house then and there.

Ugh. I'm sorry guys...
You don't understand how bad this is...
Ryan and I's relationship will never be the same... And you all took part in making that happen.
YES I UNDERSTAND WE WERE DRUNK AS SHIT.
But still....
I don't want to do without Ryan and now that our relationship just got fucked over, I can't even fathom what will happen next...

Dear Brogin and Ken,

I mean this post in complete sincerity, so I hope you take it seriously, because I will be sending it to you to read.

You guys have seriously become my closest friends in Sisters.
I love you guys so much, I don't think you understand.

Sarah is always too busy to have much time for me anymore.
Mackenzie is too occupied with other people and gets irritated with me easily.
So I'm trying to back off.

But you guys never get sick of me. At least, I don't think you do.
And to tell the truth, it makes me really happy to know you guys want to be around me and want to see me.
Any time I was late to school and Brogin would come up to me and hug me or say he was so glad I was there, it made my day, because I know I actually matter to you.

Compared to our other friends, it seems like they don't like me as much as you guys do... Or they could care less if I was around or not.
But you guys are always there. I see you guys most every day. I have my last 4 classes with Brogin, all but choir first period.
And even though I only have 4th period with Ken, I still see you a lot throughout the day.

It's hard to be so open about how much you guys mean to me... I can be much more open with other people, but with you guys, I feel like it's almost un-needed.
Like, you guys just make me feel like I'm worth something and I belong here when other people make me feel like I'm just shit and I could leave and nobody would even care, let alone notice.

So thank you... You both are probably 2 of the most genuine people I've ever met, even if we are all absolutely crazy sometimes. We all have weird conversations and minds. But that's one of the things I love about you guys. We can all be our weird selves together and have fun and laugh. With everyone else, I feel like we get judged. Even by some of our close friends...

Like I said, it's hard to explain to you guys what you mean to me... But here's the basics.
You guys make me happy. You make me feel like I'm actually important and you're both always here for me, even when I'm depressed or if I'm being a bitch. You guys make me laugh and bring me out of it. Sometimes without even being aware of it.
Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for helping to make my life worth living.

Today's Magical Change

Something about today...
I woke up late...
Last night Ken, Brogin and I watched 2 horror movies and I walked home terrified. I literally thought I was gonna die. haha. Pathetic.

I woke up late this morning. So I took my time trying to figure out what to wear and whether or not I even wanted to go to school. It was a BEAUTIFUL day, so I figured I would walk to school anyway. I wanted to see Ryan.
So I left and was instantly feeling amazing. I was listening to GroupLove ALL DAY.
There music is so happy and peaceful and incredible. I love it.
So I walked on the back road to the high school until I got to the place I love most in this town. There's that one spot on the road where you have a PERFECT view of the mountains.
You can sit on these big boulders, stare at the mountains and just relax. It's a great place to get thoughts out and just be to yourself. Cars pass every now and then, but not too often.
As I sat on the rock, I took out my sketchbook and carefully drew a quick outline of the mountains, plus a little detail.
I'm planning on going there every and again and drawing more, until it's complete, or I give up on it. :p

At 11, I figured it was time to start walking again. So I took my merry time and enjoyed the sun until I got to school at exactly 11:30.
I went to the 4th plaza, and gave my note to Mr. Herron.
Then I saw Evan talking to his friends, and saw past him and noticed Sarah and Brogin.
So I sat down by them and chilled with them until class was over.

At lunch, our usual group sat outside again.
Ken, Brogin, Olivia, Ashlee and I were laying down together and we were all just talking while Loginn and Hailey did their own thing.
It was nice. I didn't feel like I HAD to do anything. For once, I was just really relaxed and calm.
Then we had Jewelry, which is always fun. It's my favorite class in the day. I like it even more than choir. Not because of what the class IS, but because of who is IN the class. Brogin, Ken, and Loginn... Plus Jake Miller and Mason Calmettes.(:

I just enjoy the class. The people in it make me happy. Even when I'm in a terrible mood.
I get to listen to music, ATTEMPT to create awesome jewelry pieces, and be with friends. It's awesome.

So I had a good day in Jewelry, but lost patience and gave up quickly haha.
So I went to fifth period, and saw Ryan for the first time in the day. It made me really happy. So he handed me 4 notes he had written me (good God, Ryan.) and walked me to my class.(:

After school, Brogin, Ken and I went to Ken's hoping to hang out. But her mom said no, so Brogin and I left and went home.
But I'm still in a great mood. I think I might go walk around town. I might go back to that mountain view that I love so much.(:

Just an update on my day. Because something about today made me really happy and it was a nice change to feel normal again.
Thank you, God.(: Thank you for the break. <3

"I'm Not Insane, I'm Not Insane." - Avenged 7X

The title has nothing to do with this post, it was just in my head...

This post...
I'm just saying.. The song The Last Night by Skillet... Yeah... 'Nuff said.

Becoming A True Scenester

Me currently:
More overweight than a hot scenester should be.

Long hair. Black shadowbox, red(now kind of ginger) hair with blond and black coontail bangs.

Gauges. Not sure what size exactly. My friend gave them to me. They're somewhere between 6-10.

This summer, however, Mackenzie and I have plans.
Plans to become the GORGEOUS scenester girls that we are on the inside.(:
We are gonna be exercising a lot this summer to lose weight and become skinnier. THAT ALONE, will make us hot.
Kenz is growing out her hair so it's long. And I'm either keeping mine how it is, or growing it a little longer.

She's either dying her hair completely black, or black and purple.
Mine's gonna stay the same with the black shadowbox and the coontail bangs. Kenz will probably fix the coontails so they don't bother her so much anymore. :p and I'm gonna dye the red/gingerness to a BRIGHT red. There's a special hair dye I need to order that will turn it, like, stop sign red.

Our makeup will stay the same, because we've already got that down.(:

Plus, we're probably gonna go shopping and get some adorable scenester outfits.(:

I AM SO EXCITED TO BE BEAUTIFUL.

And Ryan, because I know you're gonna read this and get mad, I know I'm beautiful to you, but look up scenester girls on google, and then imagine what I just described on me. I'll be even more attractive. And that's what I want. <3

Mackenzie, I am stoked. I know you are too. So let's get going on this!! By the beginning of Junior year, we'll actually be proud of who we are and how we look. <3

Recent Relevant Songs

Situations - Escape The Fate 


She's A Rebel - Green Day 


Lost In You - Three Days Grace 


There Is - Boxcar Racer 


Young Blood - The Naked and Famous 


Have Faith In Me - A Day To Remember 


Scared - Three Days Grace


Forgiven - Skillet


It's Just Me - Escape The Fate


Hanging By A Moment - Lifehouse


You And Me - Lifehouse


Stories - Trapt


etc... But those are recent ones I've been listening to a lot because they've been so relevant.

To Add On To Ryan's Post...

Amen. If I can go to three concerts this summer, along with Warped Tour, I will be happy. Especially when there's a slight chance my first concert ever will be Three Days Grace!! My brother Kyle is trying to get me tickets this summer for the two of us, and we are hoping our brothers Alex and Josh plus Kyle's wife Brittany can come. The best moment of my life will be when I meet Adam Gontier, Brad Walst, Barry Stock, and Neil Sanderson. My life-long dream is to meet them and thank them in person for their music. I want to let them know that their music is powerful enough to save my life 3 times, and keep me on Earth, very much alive and breathing. If it weren't for them, not only would I be dead, but I would have never met Ryan... I owe Adam everything. To go to his concert and meet him... that's the moment I'm living for. And to know that my brothers and my sister in law understand that, means the world to me. And the fact that Kyle is trying to make that happen for me, means even more. I can't begin to explain how grateful I am and how grateful I will be if he can pull it off. <3 THE OTHER CONCERTS. Those can be any of the following bands: Skillet. My Chemical Romance. Breaking Benjamin. Linkin Park. Eminem. Breathe Carolina. Lifehouse. Evanescence. My Darkest Days. Flogging Molly. Falling In Reverse, which I believe is going to Warped this summer, which I am attending. Ghostland Observatory. Manchester Orchestra. Etc. So, yeah... I reallyyyy wanna go to some concerts. <3 And if I can go to any of these, I might cry happy tears.(:

And OF COURSE As Soon As SOMETHING Got Better....

Mom was actually nice to me today. For the first time in about a month.
So I was feeling pretty decent.

Until Ryan and I had an argument and now I'm pissed off.
God dammit.

I'm gonna go take a shower and try to relax.
Maybe my night will get better..
Maybe it won't.
I don't know.

Not That Anyone Reads My Blog Anymore...

Maybe I should just stop posting... Nobody cares, anyway.

Here's the gist of what's been going on:
My mom and I are always fighting.
My grades are going to shit.
I'm behind on my community service because my social life is more important to me.
My mom hates talking to me in any sense, so being at home is like being in a room full of people you don't like and don't get along with.
I miss my brothers like crazy.
I contacted Brittany (my sister in law) and asked if I could move in with her and my bros. She said yes. After school, I'm free to live with them. They'd move into our old house that I grew up in and we'd be down the street from Cassidy again, like old times...
I decided I didn't want to think about Oregon City too soon. So I'm looking for a place to live in Sisters so I can continue to go to school here.
Sarah got a boyfriend after we went to prom, and ever since, she has seemed really distant and un-caring.
Me and my friends are all having shitty days.
I am not motivated AT ALL anymore.
I'm quitting weed officially. Except for 4/20. THAT'S IT. My natural highs are SO much better than that of marijuana. And it just puts me at risk of getting in trouble.
I have been eating less, simply because our house is LITERALLY empty of food. Mom decides it's a better idea to hang out at the bar than get food for us at home.
Mom still won't get me medication, and convinces herself that I'm okay and that my emotions consist only of being happy.
I keep making Ryan worry about me, and I hate that. Because then he gets sad and I'm the cause of it.
My phone is turned off til Thursday, so I haven't really been able to talk to him.
People at school are becoming more and more asshole-ish.
3 of my best friends are moving away to Eugene.
My mom (shocker.. We're back to her.) likes to get mad at me ALL THE TIME. Most of the time her logic is unreasonable. She finds ANYTHING to get mad at me for. Wee.
I haven't been able to focus on anything except Ryan and my own situation at home.
I'm losing even MORE sleep than usual, which is horrible because I already have insomnia.
Etc. Etc. Etc...
Mom's home now... So let's see how this goes... She's gonna bitch at me.. I know she will, because I didn't go to community service. Awesome...