Insecure.

Right now, a lot of things are going through my head.

But I can't help but think... Why am I still so self conscious and insecure when I lost so much weight this summer? Shouldn't I be proud and feel accomplished? Well, at least I did for a day.

Now, all I can think is, "It wasn't enough. You could lose so much more and be so much more and look so much more."

I look at myself now, and am disgusted. I find my ENTIRE body hideous.
My face and my hair is decently attractive. I have decently nice legs, I guess.
The rest of me, I can't stand. I want change. I want to be prettier.

I want to be beautiful inside AND out.
I want to be hot.
I want to be proud of how I look.
I want to NOT be so jealous of all my friends... Like Sarah and Cassidy. I can't stand how bad it hurts to be around them all the time when I look like this.

I want to be more, physically. Not just for me, but for Ryan.
I want to be everything I can be. Emotionally, mentally and physically. I just want to be beautiful... Inside and out..

Why can't I just be attractive?
Good thing Brittany and I are planning on hitting the gym as much as we can.

I'll work out until I'm skinny. That's basically my plan. Fingers crossed.