My Message For Ryan

Ryan: When I first met you, I was attracted to you simply because you were hot. Then as I got to know you, you became everything I ever wanted in a guy. Everytime my depression hit and I went into the radio room early so I could chill out, you and Drew just listened to me.You let me go in and do whatever I needed to do to feel better. Whether it was lay down and listen to music, or vent.. You listened to me before we were even friends. You were concerned and you helped me. After you gave me your number and we started texting, you became my main priority. You meant so much to me and I didn't even understand why. I liked you a lot. Not just because you were helping me, but because of your personality. You were similar to me in a lot of ways, but we also had our differences. Then I found out we had decently similar music taste and that was a big deal for me because music is my life. We became closer and closer friends and before I knew it, I was drop dead in love with you. So I waited around. I waited and waited and waited with what I thought was a false hope... That you would someday fall in love with me and we could be a happy couple. But you turned me down several times, saying you could never love me in that way. And I still stayed. I waited because I knew I would never find anyone else like you. And eventually you came around and gave me hope. You gave me the only thing I wanted. Your love. And before I knew it, you were kissing me... And then we were going out. And it's been the best 3 and a half months of my life. You treat me as if I'm important. Like I'm this beautiful girl with nothing wrong with her. You treat me like I'm perfect... Even though I'm not... You give me so much more than I ever hoped for. You make me so happy... Everything you do amazes me... You're perfect to me... And you're perfect FOR me. I've never felt like this towards anyone before.... I've never had chills like you give me... Just when you look at me... It makes me feel gorgeous... You talk to me, and listening to your voice is like being in a dream... I could listen to you talk forever... Your eyes are beautiful... And when they stare at me, I can't help but look away sometimes because I feel like I'm not good enough for you in any way... You're so much better than me... I didn't understand how someone like you could fall in love with someone like me. But you did. <3 Even the slightest touch sends shivers up my spine... Whether you touch my face, my arm, my leg, or anything... Knowing you love me enough to touch me makes me feel incredible... that i'm even worth your time and energy. When you pull my chin to you and kiss me.. It's indescribable... It makes me want to cry... Good tears.. But enough that I get so emotional that I have to keep kissing you in order to NOT cry. And then you do stuff like taking me to the valley or the beach because you know it makes me happy.... And you do it JUST BECAUSE it makes me happy... I don't understand what I did to deserve you... Because I know I didn't do anything... I don't deserve you, but you love me anyway.... I don't know how to explain how much I love you becasue it's impossible.... I love you more than words can say... There aren't enough words in the world that could even come CLOSE to explaining my love you correctly. You've become my everything... my life and my world... It's all you.. Because you're the most important thing to me in my life... Even if I didn't have music or art, or friends... I could survive, as long as I have you. And that's a BIG DEAL. I hope you understand how much that means...

And Finally, I Got Pushed Over The Edge

I'm so pissed, I don't even think I can blog about it. But here's the deal. Me and Sisters, Oregon, are done. Can I PLEASE move to Portland? Not back to OC, because that's where the preps are. I want to live in Portland until we can move to Cali. The people here are ASSHOLES. Nobody fucking cares in this hellhole of a town. ESPECIALLY the fucking lax boys. The only one I know that isn't a complete and utter ass, is Will Saunders. And Ryan, obviously. Or here's an idea: HOW ABOUT YOU CUNTS STOP JUDGING EVERYONE. That'd be AWESOME. Good God. There's so much on my mind, that I seriously can't think straight.

This Summer

This summer will be magical.(: As soon as it starts, I'm going all out. All out meaning I am gonna be having nonstop fun. I am so excited to have a BUNCH of road trips with my friends and my boyfriend. Not only road trips, but camping trips, too!! I'm planning on the beach first. I need a trip to the beach sooo bad!! Plus, since I'm not going to YoungLife camp anymore, I get to go to the valley and be with my brothers and Cassidy again!!!!!! I can't even explain how stoked I am. We also have a ton of family stuff planned. ANDDD Mom and Jimmy are getting married this summer. And not to mention, CONCERTS. My brother Kyle said he is going to try to get me Three Days Grace tickets!!!! AND Warped Tour before school starts up again. I also get to be with Steve, Brittany, Nick, and Sara too!! I AM JUST SO EXCITED FOR EVERYTHING. I CAN'T WAIT, GUYS. I'M SO EMOTIONAL. :p

STOP DISSING ON MY MUSIC

If you guys don't like it, COOL.
Keep it to your fucking self.

Every time people say bad shit about music that means something to me and has gotten me through a lot, (which is everything I listen to, FYI), it literally makes me want to cry.

I get that emotional feeling in my stomach that crawls up to my heart and draws tears into my eyes.

Yeah, I'm pathetic, I FUCKING KNOW.
But that's how it is, so if you don't want to make me sad, at least PRETEND you respect my music....

Prom Night

So, yesterday I had community service and the lady at Habitat said I could leave early so I actually had time to get ready for prom. She also gave me extra hours that I didn't do. AWESOME.

So I get in Sarah's car with 2 dresses, my cardigan and my shoes that are pretty but hurt like a bitch.

We get to her house, and it was story time.
I told her about Thursday and Friday...
And then we started getting ready. I took a quick shower while Sarah sat in the bathroom listening to my story time.

When I got out, I tried doing her hair but failed so she had to do it. I did mine so it was all wavy and such. My bangs were also working PERFECTLY. Thank the Lord. so I hair-sprayed the shit our of my hair and did my makeup real fast since Ryan was outside. We got in our dresses and took some pictures before we let Ryan come in. As soon as I saw him, I squealed a little bit and shy-ed away from the door saying "Ohmygod, he looks so cuteeee!"
So he comes in, looks at all of us and smiles at me.
I, being an embarrassed dumbshit, had to get Sarah's mom to put Ryan's flower in his suit. Ryan put my corsage on my wrist and we took some more pictures of the three of us before Ethan showed up and we got a few with him, too.

So we leave and were heading to dinner, but couldn't find the place so we just went inside.

It was awesome. We got our prom pictures, talked and saw a bunch of people we knew so we hung out with them. It was fun.(:

Ryan and I got matching henna tattoos with 1.18.12 on it which is the date he asked me out.
Jake Miller asked about it once I got mine done and he was all "Awh, that's so cuteeee. I love that!"
It was adorable. haha.
So we went inside the photobooth and got a total of like 20 pictures. It was boss.
Ryan and I went in alone so we could get pictures of us as a couple. We got one of us kissing too. Little did we know, that when we got outside of the booth, about 10 people "AWHHH"d at us... Awesome. haha. So we hung out with people and talked for a while until Sarah and I took off our semi-dried henna and we went to the dance floor with our boys.

We slow danced to the original "Cinema" and it was adorable. They kept playing grinding music so we left the dance floor until they did prom court and we started dancing again. They played some fast songs and FINALLY. Ohmygod.
Ryan was out of the room when "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol came on and Ethan and Sarah were dancing. This was also after Ethan had pulled me aside saying "I really like her... Should I kiss her? I don't want to move to fast. I don't want to do it if she doesn't want me to." So I reassured him that everything was fine. Anyway, Ryan showed up and pulled me off the light box I was sitting on. We started dancing and I was already singing it softly to myself, but then he joined in and it was SOOO CUTE. I wanted to fan-girl to Sarah but I couldn't get myself to move my chin from his shoulder. It was probably the best slow dance experience ever. <3

After that, prom was pretty much over so I said goodbye to Jake Heath and Jake Miller and went to talk to Evan for a little bit, since he and his friends crashed prom.(:
Ryan and I talked to Evan for a while before we left for Taco Bell.

Ethan, Sarah, Ryan and I got in the car and listened to music and stuff while we ate and talked. Ryan and Ethan had a bonding moment and we all had a good night.(:

It was pretty amazing. <3 I'm really glad I went to prom. In the beginning, I wasn't so excited, but I'm SO happy I went. <3

To The Man Who Saved My Life

Adam Gontier of Three Days Grace..
You are my guardian angel.

I know I sound stupid to everyone who will read this.
But I KNOW it's true. I have 100% faith that I am correct.
There is no way the three times I was gonna kill myself, it was COINCIDENCE that Never Too Late played. The chorus. EACH TIME.

You wrote that song for your own reasons, but that, as well as EVERY other song you sing, relates to me. It's so easy for me to understand you and your feelings.

Your voice is amazing and is SO memorable.
I can recognize your voice EASILY.

I can hear EVERY bit of passion you put behind your music and it's incredible to listen to your heart. <3

Thank you for saving me so many times... Especially the 3 times you LITERALLY saved my life...

Thank you for getting me through life.

My ultimate dream is to meet you and thank you in person.
I want to tell you what you did for me.
<3

And until that happens, I am longing...
I'm praying that you'll be in my future, and I can fulfill my dream.

Depression Is Contagious

I'm sorry, Ryan...
I'm sorry my bad mood got to you..

Now that I'm okay, you're not...

I feel like I just shouldn't talk to you when I'm sad because you'll catch it... It's like a disease..
Ugh. I love you babe.

I Don't Think I've Ever Had Such A Bad Anxiety Attack

Yesterday... April 15th...

Ryan tells me he is taking me, Ken and Brogin to Hot Topic in Clackamas for my birthday this Thursday. We're ditching school to go.
We're all stoked.

So I told Ken, then went to Brogin's and told him. We picked up Ken, went to my house, grabbed a movie (The Strangers) and went to Brogin's after getting stuff at the store.

We fooled around for a while, started the movie, and Ryan came over.
We sat in Brogin's room and watched it.
Ken and I were scared shitless at the end, so Ryan drove us home.

When we got to my house, we did our usual making out, and then got into more serious stuff. As always... I got sad. My Depression kicked in and often times, it LOVES to turn into anger..
So I started getting pissed... I should have left. I should have gotten out of his car.
I didn't.

He stayed with me for an extra hour and a half...
He was being such a great boyfriend. This time I was crying on his shoulder and he was holding me telling me he loved me and everything was okay. Even when I was pushing him away, he grabbed me and held me there, trying to calm me down.

But once he left, I panicked.
I went inside and had a severe anxiety attack. I couldn't breathe. I almost got sick and I was pacing around my house like a maniac. And since he asked me not to, I didn't cut.. Instead, I punched my door like 5 times.
Next thing I know, I'm on the couch, unable to move. Until I got a text from Ryan saying he was running away...
All I could do was freak out. I thought ot my brother... and when he ran away, I never saw him for months and he ended up going to Foster Care.
I was scared of what his parents would do when they found him...
And yet, me being a DUMBSHIT....

When his mom messaged me on facebook, I told her.
When his dad showed up at my door, I told him.
As soon as I opend the door, my dog BOLTED and was gone.
I didn't even care. I was crying hysterically and I kept apologizing to his dad.

After that, I called Ryan, he got ahold of his parents, and he went home.

I was awake until about 1:30am looking for my dog. When Dalton finally found him, I told Jimmy and Mom what was going on and they understood and let me go to bed.
I went into my room, STILL in tears, and my mom walks in with my birthday present: an iPad.

And soon after, I passed out.

Things He Does That I Love

Yes, babe. I'm copying you.(: Except my list is longer.

 

1. When he calls me baby or baby girl.(:
2. When he put his hand on my legs.
3. When he stares into my eyes and tells me he loves me.
4. When he calls me beautiful or comments on my eyes. <3
5. When he gets really close to me as if he's gonna start making out with me, but gently kisses my lips or my forehead. <3
6. When we just end a long kiss and either smile or laugh with eachother.(:
7. When he has his hand on my lower back and squeezes me closer to him.
8. When he kisses my neck.
9. When he hugs me from behind.
10. When he tightens his hold on me and I can't move or go anywhere. (usually happens when someone is tickling me and I'm trying to get away... :p )
11. When he grabs my hand and pulls me in so he can hug or kiss me.(:
12. When he kissed my scars! <3 asdfgjkl; NO WORDS TO EXPLAIN HOW GREAT THAT IS. <3
13. When he sends me random texts saying he's thinking about me or that he loves me.
14. When he teases me and jokes around with me.(:
15. When he tells me he's scared to lose me. It's just so cuteee. Because I'm never going to leave him. <3
16. When he tells me he loves me more.
17. When he makes fun of me. :p
18. When he calls me cute or silly.(:

Babe, you do so much that I love. You make me really happy. You have no idea.(:

There are more, but I stopped at 18 because that's the date you asked me out. <3

Which reminds me, don't forget that Wednesday isn't just my birthday, it's also our 3 months. <3

Something About Last Night... ♥

When Ryan and I were in the car...
After all the emotional crying and stuff...

It was the most passionate experience I've ever had in my life.

I will never forget last night.
Every word, every movement, ever kiss..
It's all embedded in my brain forever.
Something about last night made everything perfect. Everything aligned and nothing went wrong.
Even when Mackenzie was pissed at me. I knew it, but it didn't bother me because I knew it'd be okay.
Ryan and I were together, he was holding me, and I could see the stars... Everything was perfect... I've never felt anything like last night. I was happier than ever.
I felt beautiful. I felt the way I know God wants me to feel every day.
I felt as if NOTHING could go wrong... As if, coincidentally, I was Invincible...
But I know that that's Ryan.. Not me.(:

Something in my heart was totally at peace... I was at complete peace with the world.
Everything made sense. And no matter what, I was okay.
I was happy.

We had our emotional discussion, and then Ryan was holding on to me as if he thought I would fade away and he'd be alone.
It was adorable.. He tightened his grip around me and would keep kissing me. <3

We were both exhausted by the conversation, that everything was 100 times better than ever.
We were close. And after some passionate making out, we were both breathing heavily.
Our breathing was opposite.. Every time he breathed in, I breathed out, and vice versa.
His breath was comforting...
Everything about him being in my presence was comforting.

Everything he did was just extravagant to me. Like, I was so hypnotized with love. I couldn't help but get emotional. I took a lot for me to not cry... Especially when he complimented my eyes...
I almost cried. I won't lie. My eyes got a little blurry, but I stopped it.
It was a beautiful night... And seeing my boyfriend look into my eyes and tells me he loves me.. It was the most amazing thing I've ever experienced.
We kept kissing each other, but not like a normal kiss. They were so gentle... SO much more loving than usual...
It was amazing... I just can't stop smiling.
Thinking about last night makes me want to re-live it over and over and over.
It was the perfect night...

We got EVERYTHING out...
And we proved our love to each other in more than one way.
It was just, incredible.
I love you, Ryan...

I know we belong together...And that's why you don't have to be scared, baby.
I will never leave you.
You have nothing to worry about. You're Invincible. <3
Thank you for everything you did last night. Because you made me happier than ever. <3

Yesterday

I know Mackenzie will read this post and just get pissed off again.
If she still even reads my blog at all.
But I hope she understands it from my point of view, because I know if this happened with her and Jake, she would want me to understand...

Yesterday started off with me at home, in a bad mood.
I woke up with a hangover of mine and Ryan's emotional discussion the night before.
We stayed up til 4am talking together.
But anyway. Yesterday, Ryan called me.
We had 2 phone calls and it was kinda nice..
To actually hear his voice talking to me when we aren't together.

After talking with him for about an hour, I took a shower, and until about 5, I was watching Pewdiepie videos on Youtube and listening to music and shit.
Ryan dropped Brogin off at my house, and him and I went to Cuppa Yo.
Ryan met up with us again and we all went to Drew's and hung out.
I sat on Brogin's lap while he played Portal and Ryan and Drewbie played World of Warcraft...
Nerds. :p

Brogin decided it was time to head to Mackenzie's.
So we left Drew's and Ryan played some music while we drove to Squaw Creek and talked about taking a road trip this summer. <3

We got to Mackenzie's and Brogin went inside while Ryan and I had a heart to heart.
All of a sudden, Ryan broke down.
And before I knew it, he was crying.
We continued our conversation of the night before...

I know how scared he was... He thinks he's gonna lose me... He actually thinks I'm too good for him... He's crazy.
I reassured him COUNTLESS times that I love him and that I will never ever leave him.
I told him that all night long.
He was crying, and I told him that I had as long as he needed.
I knew Kenz would get angry. But I didn't care. Honestly, at that moment. I didn't care.
It was me and him and that was much more important than the Amnesia party.
I'm really sorry, Mackenzie. Again, I am.
But Ryan needed me and I had to be there for him.
He held me and cried... I told him EVERYTHING I could. Anything that came to mind, came out and I don't think I've ever seen him so emotional.
It was the best feeling ever to be REAL with him. We were the perfect couple. We literally were the perfect two...
We complete each other and it was great once I realized that.
It was probably the most powerful thing in the world, to see how much love Ryan truly has for me...
To think that he ACTUALLY loves ME... It's weird and it doesn't make sense to me... Until he's tightening his grip on me while crying because he's terrified to lose me.

All I wanted to do was comfort him, and I'm glad it worked.
It seemed as though everything that came out of either of our mouths made our love stronger.
We were both 100% honest with each other about everything.
And I love that we could do that.

He vented to me... And he repeated himself a lot, which actually made me happy because the more he said how scared he was to lose me, the more love I could feel from him.
Ryan... He just.... he's amazing.... And he doesn't know it...

I love him so much.

"And I realized that then you were perfect " - Manchester Orchestra - I Can Feel A Hot One

Then it was time to go to Mackenzie's.

Jared Called Me Beautiful Today

It was really sweet, actually...

I know, it's Jared. But he's one of my closest friends... He's so good to me.
And in second period, he sat next to me and tried to make me smile all period because he knew I was Depressed.
He saw my cuts and asked me to not cut anymore. He said I really need to stop.
I know that. But it's WAY easier said than done..

So, he was being really sympathetic with me this time... He didn't yell at me or get angry like he usually does.
He actually felt my pain and cheered me up because he knew how to.
He was being really nice all period.
And then he turned to me and looked me in the eyes and said "You're a real mess... But you're absolutely beautiful."

It was so sweet. I couldn't help but smile. I told him he was blind and he said "Lindsey says that all the time too... But it's not true. I know a beautiful girl when I see one."
(Lindsey is his girlfriend's name too. He wasn't talking about me TO me. haha)

I won't lie, it gave me a slight chill. It was really comforting.

Something inside Jared's changed. I don't know what it is, but he's stopped being an ass.
He's just always sweet to me now.

He never pulls away from me or avoids me when I go to hug him anymore, like he would before.
Now I don't have to have a reason to hug him. If I hug him, he hugs me back and doesn't question it.

I love Jared. He really is like a brother to me. We're way closer than people know. I'm so thankful to have him around.(:

Best. Day. With. My. Friends!

Okay, last night was shitty. After coming home from Sarah's, I got depressed. I cut myself a lot last night.

So this morning I was in a shitty mood too. I was pissed at the world.
And things with my boyfriend were awkward today... Something in our relationship was off today. I don't know what it was, but I was being really hostile and bitchy towards him today... Something told me I had a reason to be, but I know I didn't. I was just bitchy today.

Brennan pissed me off BAD second period, so that made it worse. Then Brogin came along. GOD I fucking LOVE that kid. He ALWAYS cheers me up. I don't know how he does it. But he does. He grabbed my hand and we walked around the school before 3rd period again.
I go into class, emotional as fuck, thinking about way too many things at once. Then Codie was sad, so shit was just NOT good.
For some reason, my anxiety EXPLODED on me today when Tessa like shook me trying to make me smile. I instantly started like hyperventilating. Right after that, Brogin forgot about my cuts on my wrist and grabbed me so I started crying because it hurt really bad.
THEN my emotions took over and I was BAWLING while talking with Codie about everything, trying to settle my thoughts and shit. Plus, Brogin gave me his ipod so I could calm down. <3

BUT AFTER THAT. I went to Cuppa Yo with Codie, Sarah and our YoungLife leaders Mark and Robin. It was fun. We joked around and filled Robin in on recent events with people in our lives.

We came back to school and my Depression was decently gone, so Brogin, Ken and I joked around in Jewelry. AND SURPRISINGLY, I started AND finished my first wire wax project today. It took like 5 minutes to make the Celtic Trinity knot pendant.

So, Brogin and I walked to Geometry together. We have 4 out of 5 classes with each other. He's not in my first period, choir. But he will be next year! :D

I even had a good time in Geometry. I was between Brogin and Bert. I stopped sitting by Taylor because he started to piss me off. Sooo I sat between my friends and goofed off and laughed.(: It was good. Even with Brennan and Scott being ASSHOLES next to us...

After school, I saw Jake Heath. I showed him my wrist because he was one of the main 3 people telling me to stop. The other 2 being Sarah and Ryan.
He hugged me and said he couldn't really talk (fucking SHOCKER... Ugh.)
And so I got on the bus, came home, re-teased my hair and walked to Blazing Saddles to start the parade with my friends.
I joined in and we had an awesome time walking.(:
We went to Dutch afterwards and got free energy drinks and coffee.
From there, we watched our friends' band perform in 2 different places and had a good time.

We all just hung out.
Oh, and Ken and Ashlee were hitting on me a lot. That was fun haha.
Gotta love being molested by your lesbian friends in front of everyone. It's awesome. XD
Oh well. I love them.
We had an awesome time.

It was a fucking GREAT day.

My Darkest Daysss!!

New favorite band. LOVE THEM.
And it's great because one of them is a relative of Brad Walst from Three Days Grace, my top favorite band of all time.

Ironic? Yes.(:
Awesome coincodence if you ask me.(:

Now aside from all my awesome music... :p
I am SOOOOOO excited for the Amnesia Party this weekend. I think Loginn's getting a new game called Ghost Hunt? asdfghjkl; I'm so excited. We've neeved another Amnesia night for a while.
So stoked.
I love these traditional hangout nights with my friends. They are always the best nights ever.(:
I want Ryan to come, but I doubt he will. haha. He doesn't like scary stuff. :(
Meh. haha. He'd probably get annoyed as fuck with us anyway! XD
Oh well. I'm SO excited either way.(:

I... Need YOU... To Want Me, To Hold Me, To Tell Me The Truth!!

Ghostland Observatory.(:

So relevant, too, because I really want to be with my boy!

He makes me so happy.(: He's so cute. He's so sweet. <3
I just love him so much. ^_^

I'm craving love from my boyfriend. I wish I could just be with him. We could do anything we wanted, and fall asleep together.

I want to kiss him and tell him I love him in person. <3


Sorry. haha. Sappy girlfriend moment.
I stopped it now before it got annoying to all of you guys. haha. :3

Smiles All Around

Okay. Brogin and I are becoming like BEST FRIENDS.
It's awesome because we use to have REALLY awkward relationship, but now I can't get enough of the kid. He's adorable and hilarious and just fun to be around.

So, with our new found friendship, we've been hanging around each other a lot. More so than we use to, even with our friend group.

This morning started off perfectly.
I was happy. I was tired, but I was energetic. My friends and my boyfriend were surrounding me and filling me with happiness. Even with all of them tickling me... haha.
Ryan's adorable. I love when he grabs me and holds me back from moving at all. He's so damn strong!! God. haha. I love being the cute couple.(:
So, because he tickled me, I told him I wouldn't kiss him all day. So he kissed me on the cheek and left. And later said if I didn't kiss him, he wouldn't talk to me. Challenge Accepted.
That lasted until lunch. He caved. And he asked me to prom!(:
I still didn't kiss him all day. I REALLY wanted to, though.(:

The assembly was the best part of the day.
I was in between my lovely gay friends, Brogin and Ken.
Ken was hitting on me the whole time, so it was hilarious. And sitting next to Brogin, that's hilarious as it is.(:
Sarah was in front of me and I was giving her a massage. Ashlee was next to Ken. Mackenzie was next to Brogin, and Meganne was next to Mackenzie. With Loginn in front of Ashlee.
Yep. That was the order.
We were in the back of the stands, up top. It was the Spring Sports assembly so Ryan was with his lacrosse kids.
Us cool kids in the back, were being the freaks that we are.
PLENTY of REEEE-ing going on. Lots of Mith Tuckah impersonations, and other inside jokes being blurted out loud and obnoxiously.
We made fun of everyone that was part of the assembly, and were dancing and singing really loud in the back. It was GREAT. We have absolutely no shame.
I love being ourselves. And this time, nobody did or said anything about it.

It was just hilarious and fun.
Then I went to the Art Room as always for lunch. We sat at our usual table and joked around and such. Then I walked around with Loginn, Ken, and Ashlee for a bit before joining up with Sarah after she REEE-d back at us.(:

We go to 3rd period and I sat next to Brogin again. Me, him, Sarah, Tessa, Codie, and Alaina were being ourselves again. People get so angry at us in Bio. haha, it's kinda great.(:
That class ended with Brogin and me singing Evanescence together.(:

We go to 4th period, Jewelry.
I was in the computer room trying to finish Global which Mrs. Gunnarson didn't let me finish....
And Ken, Loginn and I were talking about the future. Ken and I talked about partying.(: We also planned to get drunk for my birthday celebration. Should be fun. haha(:

Even GEOMETRY didn't bother me.
TAYLOR LUCAS. He mocked me with the bracelet I haven't yet bought from him yet. He tickled me too! When I told him not to. So I punched him. hah.. Lightly, but I punched him.
I sat next to Brogin the entire time. SHOCKER.
Taylor and I made fun of each other and Mr. Ray told Taylor to get a new friend because I'm mean. haha.
Then Scott made a smart ass comment and ruined my good time.

But I got over it. And the day ended on a good note, with me and my friends chilling in the commons.
And Brogin was using my arm as a scarf? haha. He bit me though. Rude. XD

I LOVE THE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE. Ohmygod. Best day.... Best day indeed.

I'll Be Your Jane If You'll Be My Tarzan.

All Disney movies imply the happily-ever-after...
Why can't that be reality?

This little metaphor about you being Tarzan is getting my hopes up..
Jane and Tarzan are supposedly together forever, right?

Can that PLEASE be us?
I know my heart is trying to protect itself... It's putting up walls...
I've been aware of this for a while, actually..
I'm just now confronting it.

I'm doing my best to tear those walls down and trust you with my heart completely..
But all the people in my past have ripped my heart apart... I just NEED to know you'll stay before I trust you with everything I have...
I hope you understand what I'm saying.

I love you more than I have ever loved anyone... But I'm just trying to protect what's left of my heart.
You say you won't hurt me. I'm PRAYING that you're telling the truth. Because I don't want to give you my heart and then have you change your mind and leave me...

You're the best thing that's ever happened to me... You saved me and brought me up to the surface.
You treat me with more care than anyone else has even TRIED to.
You make me happier than anyone else I've ever met.
You bring out the passion in me that I had forgotten I had.
You make me feel real.
You make me feel special.
You make me feel beautiful.
You make me feel important.
You're my reason for living each day.

You're perfect, not because you're flawless, but because you HAVE flaws. We both do. And we help each other get past all rough patches, just like Jane and Tarzan helped each other.
I was lovestruck as soon as I met you, just like Jane was with him...
You protect me and keep me safe, just like he did with her...
I'm an artist, and so was Jane.
You're hot, and so is Tarzan. :p
We have crazy friends. And so did they.
Are you seeing a pattern? I am.(:

So babe... If you're willing to be my Tarzan forever... I promise you, I'll be your Jane forever. <3
And with that, we'll live happily-ever-after... Just like in the Disney movies.

EES A MONDAY!

Woke up with slight Depression, but tried to keep a game face on as I slowly woke myself up and got out of bed to get ready for school.
I threw on clothes and makeup and didn't care that I looked unattractive.
Got to school. Not the best morning. But was greeted by Tessa with "EES A MONDAY." Which would have made me happier than it did, if she hadn't been as un-enthused as I was about being at school.

So I go to choir and take up ALL my energy singing 2 songs over and over and over again. Our hardest songs to sing because they take the most breath. I couldn't breathe by the end of the class.
So, feeling as if I had heart failure, I trudged on to 2nd period.
Buchanan welcomed us to Global Studies with yet another story. I sit next to Brogin, so as usual, we were goofing off, finding better things to do than listen to Buchanan ramble on about an old lady pushing him around on a boat.
By the end of Global, I'm in a better mood thanks to Loginn and Brogin.(:

So, like our usual routine, Brogin grabs my hand and leads me around the school. For some reason, every day before 3rd period, we walk around the school holding hands.
This time, however, we saw Ryan. Awkward. hahaha. So Brogin let go of my hand and let me kiss Ryan before heading to Biology with him.
Brogin and I find it entertaining to clench our hands really tight as we walk and try to cause each other pain. It's what we do. So we walk into Bio with our hands red and aching. As always. :p

I get so irritated in that class... Sometimes my friends can seriously piss me off, and it's only in that class. I don't understand why. But good ol' Brogii caught on, and came to sit by me and cheer me up.
God I love that kid. So we joke around, get our work done, and then listen to his ipod and play his gameboy. Like a boss. He then decides to tell me that if I were not going out with Ryan, that HE himself would go afterh him. It was hilarious because Brogin kept asking questions and commenting about Ryan. It was pretty great, actually.
Then comes lunch. I went into the Art room with our group of friends and we sat at our usual table. Cracking jokes and telling weird stories, as always. With Brogin STILL bothering me about my boyfriend, I texted him because I was too lazy to go find him in the commons, and asked him if he had ever thought about dating another guy. Brogin was seriously convinced that Ryan could be bi and would date both of us. hahaha. Ohmygod it was the funniest shit ever.
I go into the hall, talk with Kenz for a while, get a text back from Ryan saying he thought about it once, but never seriously considered it. After hearing that, Brogin STILL had hope. :p
Oh, Brogi-Bear... You're so silly.
Our lovely lesbian friends came to join us in the hall before we proceed to 4th period...
Brogin and I have Jewelry.

We walk into class and I was determined to finish my Mario Star project. Eh, it's my first project, so of course it wasn't the best. But last week, Jake Miller saw it and fell in love with it, so I promised him I'd give it to him when I was done.
So after I finished sanding and polishing, it was done and Mrs. Gunnarson graded it. She gave me a good grade, and I handed it off to Jake. He looked confused as I stood in front of him holding it in my hand, just looking at him. And then he realized what was happening and was STOKED.
I was really happy to see him so excited about it, actually. He kept complimenting that I did such a great job. (I think he's blind, too. haha)
He was thrilled and he kept smiling at me afterwards. I gave it to him, and I think he tried to hug me, but because we don't know each other really at all, he didn't.
Brogin was not happy with me. We all know Jake Miller is attractive. But I wasn't flirting, I was just being nice. Brogin, calm down, hunney. I'm taken. ^_^

After Jewelry, we headed to Group. Every Monday, those few of us with problems get to skip out on 5th period and go to Group. We get to talk about recent events in our lives, eat whatever food Tori brings us, and goof off and have fun.
So, I sit between Ashlee and Brogin. It was great because Ashlee and Ken both decided to flirt with me today, and yet I spent the whole day with Brogin. :p
I put my legs on Brogin's, and we listened, talked, and had a good time, as usual.
Brogin's the only guy allowed in Group because we all wanted him there and he's gay, so sometimes he has stuff to talk about. We all love Brogin.(:

After Group, we are chilling in the commons. After talking with our friends, Ryan comes and finds us and by now it's just me, him, Brogin and Alaina.
I look at Brogin and notice he's STARING at Ryan. So, jokingly, I pushed Brogin away and told him to go to play rehearsal. He didn't get offended, he just laughed.
Ryan guessed that Brogin was attracted to him. DING DING DING, we have a winner. Congratulations. haha.

After school, I see JC Tallahan.. Boy was that interesting... God someone needs to kick his ass...
I also saw Scout and talked with her for a little bit. Things seem to be getting better with her... But still. I don't know if she's being real or not. Just being cautious.

Then I go to YoungLife. I leave a little early so I can talk with Robin before it all starts. I told her about recent events with Ryan, and I kept her up to date about my dad.
As people begin to show up, to my surprise, Ross shows up, and hugs me. Uhm, okay? haha I didn't know we were to that point, but whatever!
YoungLife started and I was talking a little more with him while hanging out with Codie and Sarah as well.
We played some tug-of-war, and then went inside for more hilariousness before sitting down and having our serious listening time..
I stood and sat by Ross because I figured we might as well become friends now.

After listening to Mark's story.. I got really emotional, and started crying outside, while waiting for Mark to open up the man-van.
Codie instantly caught on to how I was feeling, even before I was crying.
Then Sarah realized what was going on, and then I was constantly being hugged by her, Chris, and Codie.
After I stopped my tears, it was almost impulsive. I went over to Jared and hugged him. I was surprised when he didn't pull away. He said something to somebody that was like "Hey, if she's coming to me..." I didn't really pay attention. But he was being sweet. He just sat there and hugged me and made me laugh.
As I got over my problems, we piled into the man-van and headed to Cuppa Yo. We hung out there and then I planned on walking home until I met up with Steve, Nick, Lara, Darian, Ambralee, Michael and Austin. More than half of them were drunk as fuck. I was SO jealous.

I hung out with them for a while, but remembered my choir contest tomorrow, so went with my better judgement. Steve gave me a hug and I left the group with nobody noticing until I was down the road.
The best part of today comes next. It was really brief. But it happened. And I know there was a lot more beneath the surface of what we said.

Savi pulls up next to me. He asks what I was still doing out, and gave me a ride home. I told him I met up with some friends and talked with them for a while. I think he knew something was up. He asked how it went and I told him they were drunk and that they asked me to take some jello shots with them tomorrow, but I'm hanging out with Colton tomorrow, so I couldn't. He asked if I hung out with them a lot, I told him yes. We reached my house. I sat in the car for a few minutes and talked with him. I love talking with Savi because I can connect with him. He actually cares about people and I could see the concern for me in his face and hear the concern in his voice.
I told him that Mark's story touched me a lot and that I knew it would have an effect on my decisions later on. I know it'll do good things for me. And Savi was glad to hear that. He told me goodnight and drove off, leaving me to my thoughts.

Now here I am. Lying in bed. Ryan obviously passed out about an hour and a half ago.
Time for bed for me, too... I have a choir concert tomorrow and have to wake up early so I can shower and eat and look good tomorrow. Goodnight everyone...(:

p.s. My 16th birthday is in 8 more days starting tomorrow.(:

So Much On My Mind That I Can't Even Blog About Them All

My MANY thoughts of today:

 

• I have a headache.
• I wish mom wasn't such a bitch and I could do whatever I wanted again.
• What would I have done if Ryan was serious about leaving town?
• What would my life have turned out to be if I actually ran away with him?
• I wonder if Eli's serious about the conversation we had about God last night?
• I'm glad I'm still important to Steven. I'm glad he still cares about me and enjoys being around me.
• I wish my life would get back on track.
• I want to be happy and live a good life... I know I need to change in order for that to happen. But I'm not ready yet...
• I wish I wasn't so scared of everything.
• I want to watch Tarzan... <3 That movie means so much more to me now than ever.
• I miss Ryan.
• I love this music.. I can't wait to go to some concerts this summer. WARPED TOUR ESPECIALLY.
• I want Summer..
• I wish I never had to go back to school and could still have a potentially good life.
• I wonder when Steve's coming over to pick me up?
• I'm so nervous but so excited for Choir Contest on Tuesday.
• I'm really tired...
• I should do my homework.. But I probably won't.
• I need some hot apple cider.
• I want to go on a date to an amusement park with a bunch of our friends.
• I can't wait for YoungLife tomorrow.
• I wonder if mom's still gonna let me get a tattoo soon? I wonder if Sarah or Ryan would go with me?
• I wish Jake would text me back...
• I really want some meat right now. Like ribs or steak sounds really good.
• I wonder if Scout's being real with me or if she's bullshitting.
• I still have a headache.
• I hope I can finally thank Ian tomorrow at YL for giving me the $50 towards camp.
• My 16th birthday is in 10 days... I really want a couple things.. A new ipod (So I can actually live.). A hookah because they're awesome and hella fun. A gym membership. A tattoo. Or a shit ton of money so I can go shopping... Or tickets to a Three Days Grace concert. (or any other one of my favorite bands.) If I got any of those, I'd be STOKED.
• I don't think I'm gonna stay up and wait for Steven. I might just fall asleep. :p
• I'm curious as to what would happen if I opened up to Ryan more... Let him witness my most passionate moments... I wonder how he'd react to seeing the different sides to me...?
• I feel so calm.. I'm really tired. I wish I could cuddle with Ryan. haha.
• It's hilarious that I remember so much that I bet Ryan doesn't remember at all, and I'm kinda curious to see if he remembers the stuff I do. haha.
• I REALLY don't want to go to school tomorrow.. Or at all really.
• I should study the choir solo so I can try out for it tomorrow.
• I keep getting distracted by all these thoughts. My brain is just wandering right now.
• I should probably go to bed soon.

Ambralee's Lucky I Don't Want To Lose Steve...

I had my lighter in my hand all day... I was so close to hitting her.

She's lucky Steve asked me to behave myself so he doesn't have to lose either of us...

We're friends of friends... We HAVE to get along...

I can't wait for the day when Steven realizes what SHIT you are. Then I can kick your ass guilt-free.

Until then, I have to suffer around you.

You Think You Have The Same Music Taste As Me? Think Again.

• Erase My Scars - Evans Blue
• Say It - Evans Blue
• Pretty much EVERY Three Days Grace song (especially Home or Break)
• Famous Last Words - My Chemical Romance
• Pretty much EVERY Breaking Benjamin song (especially I Will Not Bow)
• Nobody's Listening - Linkin Park
• Pretty much EVERY Taproot song (especially No Surrender, Calling and Violent Seas)
• What You Want - Evanescence
• Tourniquet - Evanescence
• Pretty much EVERY Skillet song (especially Monster and It's Not Me It's You)
• Pretty much EVER Trapt song (especially Stand Up and Headstrong)
• Cassie - Flyleaf

^Prime examples of why I love ROCK music so much.

  

The Most Relevant Songs Ever Right Now

Without You - My Darkest Days.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Sfn1q4Iw1s&feature=related

Like Nobody Else - My Darkest Days
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpkkCzSMxhs&feature=related

Save Me - My Darkest Days
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jnqaBhxG1NA&feature=related

Worst Morning Of My Life

First off, I had one of the worst dreams ever.
It was of Sarah and I getting taken away, addicted to drugs, and raped by this one guy. I remember everything about the dream, because it felt SO REAL. I remember everyone's faces... I remember all the smells, all my thoughts, movements, EVERYTHING. It was the scariest thing I've ever imagined while asleep.
I woke up at about 7-7:30ish., crying and shaking and when I came close to falling asleep again, EVERY SINGLE TIME, my body would JERK me awake. It wouldn't let me get back to sleep until about 9am..
Woke up then with a horrible feeling in my stomach and heart that something bad would happen. And it did.
Ryan and I were both depressed, and we got into another fight. We both felt as though everything was falling apart.
I, once again, felt useless, meaningless and EXTREMELY unimportant to everyone.
I cried for about 3 hours.

Buzzy and Donny came over, and dragged me out of the house and over to Ray's.
Lara was there, and by then, I was crying again.
Slightly and unnoticeably, but I was still crying.
Ryan told me that he thinks I'm gonna break up with him for one of my stoner friends, like Ray or Steve...

That hurt a lot to hear that he thought I would leave him.
But I ALWAYS feel like he's gonna leave me.
We're both paranoid and emotional..
We didn't really talk for the rest of the day until now. Things are better now.. but still not as good as they could be.

Then I called Sarah, told her the basics, and got bitched at by her and Codie, and my emotions took over and I just got pissed and wouldn't even be nice to THEM. I don't know if they noticed, but I was FURIOUS and as soon as I realized that, I hung up. I didn't want to ruin any friendships by saying anything I didn't mean.

I'm back home... I'm emotional as fuck. And I'm tired, but my heart is telling me I can't go to sleep without Ryan tonight... It's another one of my gut feelings.. So I'm probably gonna stay up all night... Or pass out later due to exhaustion...

Thoughts Aren't Enough. I Can't Speak. I Can Only DO.

Right now, talking isn't my thing.
I'm quiet... I can't think of anything to say.
I can't even text my boyfriend the things I want to say, because my brain isn't working and I can't figure out how to word anything.

I just want him to know that I love him. <3

I'm full of so much emotions that the day has caused me... I'm listening to music to drown out the silence. I'm gonna dance for a little bit and try to vent through my motions, like dance does. <3

And then after that, a walk.
Maybe I'll go see Brittany...

MY EPIC MOMENTS WITH COLTON.

Whenever he facebook chats me, it's so we can go walk around and talk about stuff.
So that's what happened. I walked Steve to Nick's so we could talk, and after a lot of unexpectedness, I RAN back to my house to meet Colton and get money for Subway.
(Colton and I always have trips to Subway so we can eat and talk together.)

Mom hands me a ten and we walk out the door. I'm in a WAY better mood by now because I saw Steve AND was hanging out with Colton. We started talking and I caught him up on some stuff about Ryan. He likes hearing about Ryan and I because he knows how much I love him. Colton came with me once to visit Ryan at Habitat during half time of the Ducks game. (Civil War, I think?)

Colton is SO happy for me, and I love that. Because he truly thinks that Ryan and I are soulmates. Which is awesome.(:

So we ate Subway, I had SEVERAL people compliment me on my hair, and we sat down and ate our food and caught up. I was making fun of myself and joking about being a wannabe, not-so-pretty version of a scenester girl, and he even said that I AM pretty and need to shut up. haha. He's so nice.
After Subway, we made our way to Bimart... Oh God... I've been to Bimart with Colton before... And it was HILARIOUS.
This time, was even better. This time, Loginn wasn't with us. It was just the two of us. And Colton had a shit ton of money from his paycheck, so we wandered around, making the most absurd comments about EVERYTHING we saw.
WE WERE IN BIMART FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF.
We were SO entertained by each other's company, our own craziness as individuals, and everything we came across.

OKAY.
This is why I adore Colton.
I can be my COMPLETE self around him. Like, I'm ABSOLUTELY crazy sometimes. I say the most random bullshit, in weird accents and speeds and he just laughs and joins in. Everyone else would think I was nuts. Colton goes along with my weirdness and has fun with me. I LOVE THAT.
He's like my brother.
And yet EVERYONE either THINKS we're dating, or WANTS us to date.
And we've both realized WHY people think we're together. It's because we're INSANE together. And we just laugh at eachother and goof off. Today, we walked around Bimart, smelled candles and commented on their grossness and complained about there not being a pine scented one for his house. We looked at kitched utensils because Colton is quite the chef, himself. We debated on which coffee maker he should get, which is GREAT because I hate coffee. :p
THEN.
Oh, THEN.
We headed for the TOY SECTION. Oh yes.(:
We goofed off AGAIN, playing with little kid toys and cracking jokes the entire time.
THEN WE SAW THE LIGHT SABERS. The cool kind that LIGHT UP and make noise!!
OHMYGOD. We couldn't resist. We had a little light saber duel in the middle of the store.(:
I then sent Sarah a picture of them. I was using the red one, because I'm a rebel... he.. he...
And Colton was blue because he's SUCH A GOOD BOY. XD hahahaha.
I was gonna buy them, but they were $40 EACH. WHAT THE FUCK. NO.

Then I told Colton about my snake bites idea. He said that'd be cool but they look bad on a lot of people. So he isn't sure if I should get snake bites, spider bites, or just a single one. We don't knowww.
Meh. I'm gonna talk to my mom about it eventually this week and see what she thinks.

Colton said he might buy me a new iPod for my birthday. I FUCKING LOVE HIM.
After more goofing off, we FINALLY left Bimart. We walked to his house and hooked up his new coffee maker. He then walked me home, and we decided that Tuesday nights are OUR nights. We HAVE to hang out at LEAST on Tuesdays. If not more than that. He's leaving after summer.
And we need our bonding time in.
Sooo I'm gonna smoke with him more often and have our normal nights of fun.
Which include baking cookies, playing video games (often Castle Crashers or Call Of Duty), watching That 70s Show or Scrubs, and passing out on his floor.
IT HAPPPENS.
He said he's gonna take the blame if mom DOES drug test me.
Sooo I'm in the clear.(:
We're gonna have an awesome time.
Colton and I have this bond that I can't even describe. We understand each other really well and we can show our idiocy and not be embarrassed because we're with each other. haha. IT'S GREAT.
Especially when everyone asks if we're dating or assumes we are and says we're cute... hahaha. XD
AWKWARD.
After all this time, though, we're use to it. :p

WE ALL KNOW I'M HAPPILY TAKEN.(:

Anyway.... Yep. I love Colton. haha. He's awesome.(:

Seeing Him Cry

It did a lot of different things to me.

First of all, it made me SO sad. I felt HORRIBLE that it was happening. I wanted to help him, but all I could do was tell him everything was okay and that I love him.
It also made me forgive him INSTANTLY. When he first walked in, his eyes were red, so I knew he had been crying... I still didn't forgive him completely though.. Not until he started crying right in front of my eyes. I didn't know what to do. Any part of me that was hurt or angry, disappeared right away.
It was also adorable, though. My brain went into "Awh, babeee..." mode. I hugged him and looked at Sarah for help. I told her to tickle him or something, but she just sat there. She was just as shocked as I was at what was happening.
And in a weird way, after seeing him cry, it hit me. It made me realize how much he really loves me. I mean, it's not like I never believed him before... I did! But this, like proved it to me 100%. I don't understand why. But something in my heart clicked and I KNEW that he REALLY did love me as much as he said. I felt horrible and amazing at the same time. He was in TEARS.... BUT... He really loves me...
He kept hiding himself into my shoulder and hugging me so tightly. It was adorable. I love how close him and I are getting... Even with all the bullshit life throws at us... All the complications, all the fights/arguments... And everything else. We're really becoming close. <3

I love him. I really, really love him. <3

Racoon-Lookin'-Motherfuckah.(:

Sooo, SCHOOL SUCKS.
Can we skip these next 10 weeks and go STRAIGHT into Summer PLEASE? Like, seriously. I need summer.
I need the sunnn and I ESPECIALLY need the HEAT.
God damn. I'm tired of waking up hella early EVERY week day just to go to a place we all hate. We wake up early, which is torture enough, JUST to come to school and torture ourselves more.

Fuck that shittt.
"If I can get through this, I can get through that." (it's lyrics that are in my head. Kinda relevant?(: haha)

This summer, I'm going ALL out.
I'm gonna have SO much fun with my friends.

Camping trips.
Hanging out with my brothers!
Seeing my friends.
Being with my AMAZING boyfriend.(:
Road trips to the beach!!
Hiking!
Staying up all night, sleeping in as late as I want.
Sleeping out under the stars.
Adventuring.
Working out.
YoungLife camp.
WARPED TOUR. asdfghjkl. CAN'T WAIT. <3
HOPEFULLY.... I'M PRAYING TO GOD, A THREE DAYS GRACE CONCERT (that's like, my ULTIMATE dream.) I NEED TO MEET ADAM GONTIER.
And of course, smoking & drinking every now and then.(:

Oh, and these songs aren't relevant right now, in any way. I just like them a lot, so I'm posting them. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1p483vE8I2A (Criticize - Adelitas Way)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dWWJVx1w00 (Say It - Evans Blue)

I Miss Hanging Out With Steve

I really love that kid.
I hate that our friendship was kinda lost for a while. I'm really glad I hung out with him today.

We finally bonded again.
I'm really happy that everything is okay between him and I again.
I had a good night with him, Nick, and Brittany.

I really need to start hanging out with those 3 more often. Like we did last summer.
Steve gave me a really long hug after walking me home. It was really comforting to know that he still wants me around.
He told me to hang out with them again soon.

Walking Inside Led To These Tears.

Aha, that title is SO misleading. NOPE. I swear to God these are happy tears. Happiest tears I've ever shed, probably.

CAN I JUST SAY I HAVE THE BEST BOYFRIEND OF ALL TIME?
Ryan and I went to Sarah's.
He began by giving me 3 things. A black beaded necklace, a beaded rasta bracelet, and A PROMISE RING.
He literally... Like... Ohmygod... He proposed to me, about 5 years or so in advance. I was SPEECHLESS.
I sat there, in awe. Everything I could have said was taken out of my mouth, and I sat there. My heart was pounding SUPER fast and I was screaming inside. I almost cried and it took everything in me to keep my composer and not cry. <3
With that, we cuddled up on the couch and started off watching Tarzan. We were all joking around, being the usual idiots we all are.
Then after that, Sarah popped in Where The Wild Things Are. (RYAN HAS NEVER SEEN IT UNTIL NOW.)
It was great. I had to make sure Ryan didn't fall asleep, though... Asshole... haha. XD
Sarah almost cried, but didn't. I was so proud. And I will admit, it took a lot effort to not cry myself. haha.
That was the first time either of us have watched it and not cried at the end.

"Don't go. I'll eat you up. I love you so." <3

After that movie, Ryan and I left and stopped the car kinda outside my house.
Honestly. This was my favorite part of the whole day.
We kissed, we had small talk, and then Ryan asked me to talk about my life. My childhood.
So I did.
I told him just about everything. (with a lot of specifics left out.)
He just sat there and really listened to me. It was amazing. I could open up so easily to him...
It made me realize how much I really do trust him.
That's probably one of the best experiences I've ever shared with Ryan.
After telling my story, I got emotional again, and I tried to make the biggest things seem like no big deal so I wouldn't cry. He knew that... He gently grabbed my chin and kissed me. It made me so happy. <3 I love him so  much. He kept saying sweet things to me and I have never felt happier. <33

After all the seriousness, we started joking around and being who we are together. It makes me really happy to be able to goof off with my boyfriend.
As he drove away (and I flipped him off. :p) my heart was just feeling so full and content.

I walked inside, closed the door, smiled, and showed Jimmy what Ryan had got me. After that, I went to mom..
I was already tearing up. I was smiling so big and I showed her everything. She was ecstatic! I started crying and she hugged me and she said she was so happy for me.
Now here I am. Reminiscing about my amazing day. I'm about to go walk aroung town and call Sarah so I can cry to her and tell her everything. <33

I. Am. One. EXTREMELY. Happy. Camper.

Ryan, I LOVE YOU.