Undeserving.

Ryan and I.. have been having issues, I guess. I can feel this tension between us. Especially when he came over... It was weird. I honestly didn't even want to see him. Some of this is going to be news to him, but I don't know.. It's the truth.

He came over, and I wasn't even excited to see him even though I thought he came home a few days early. Even when he kissed me, it felt like something was off. I didn't feel anything..

When he left, I got upset about why I felt that way. And then I decided to come clean to him about some stuff that happened..
I fucked up.
But I told him everything.

Here's where I don't deserve him. He didn't care.
He forgave me! INSTANTLY.
What the FUCK.
No. He should have hated me. He should have been pissed and left me. But he didn't.
It honestly made me feel even worse.
I don't deserve him.
And as soon as I said that to him, he got angry.
We argued about it for a good couple hours until I fell asleep..

I don't care what he says.
I know the truth.

Everyone does.
Except him.

I don't deserve him. At all. He is WAY too good for me and he should have left me.
I'm a shit girlfriend and he doesn't deserve my bullshit.

He won't listen to me. He's so stubborn sometimes.It made me really sad that he couldn't see reason.
But it doesn't matter because he never will.
He never will listen to me.

He said he will always forgive me for ANYTHING. Even the worst...
And, see, the thing is, if he did anything like that to me, I would leave him...

THAT'S how I don't deserve him..
That's just one of the many reasons.

But he'll never see that. He'll never come to the right conclusion because he is blinded.
I love him and I am really happy he loves me, but it's frustrating that it doesn't make any logical sense..
At least Sarah gets where I'm coming from...