Well, here's the deal.
Since the huge deal with Ashlee, I've never felt so alone in my entire life.
With my Depression and anxiety nagging at my mind every so often, I'm left here alone, with nobody but Brogin and Ken by my side.
Sarah, she's too busy half the time, and honestly, with my new found trust issues (thanks, Ashlee..), I just don't know who to go to anymore.
Who to trust with not only my secrets, but with my feelings and with my heart.
I have Brittany and Steve still 100%. But Brittany has been in Cali since summer started. And Steve's been hiding under his hole, rarely ever coming out. And when he does, it's great, but like I said, I don't see him much. Even though he DOES make sure I know that he is always here for me.(:
Mackenzie. This is my the stressful part. I know she's gonna read this and be utterly confused, or something. But I know she'll understand and have no judgement. (well, I hope)
Don't get me wrong, I still love Mackenzie dearly. I do. But with all that happened recently with Ashlee and everyone else... I don't know 100% if I can trust her. I went to her house and we had a good time! We caught up and watched plenty of TV together and stuff. I think we bonded more once it hit about 8 or 9pm. We kinda went back to normal. Which was really nice. But still, there's always that lingering thought in the back of my mind: What is she's lying to me? Scout's lied and pretended more times than I can count.. How do I KNOW Mackenzie really DOES like me still? What if it's all just an act to hurt me? What if... what if.... what if...
It's not just her, though. These questions come to my mind about EVERYONE. Everyone that isn't Brogin or Ken anyway.
I hate to say it, but it even happens with Ryan sometimes. I know I can trust him. I know he loves me. I love him too. But ever since he said he wanted to start talking to Angela again... Ugh. The thought hasn't left my mind. What if he does...?
She's a complete homewrecker, first of all. And apparently, she's a whore too. Who knew?
I don't want her grabbing onto Ryan like she did Jake. Kaity warned me about it.. And I won't lie, I'm scared. I trust RYAN. I don't trust HER.
It killed me that he even WANTED to talk to her again. And now they're friend on facebook... She goes around "liking" all this shit of him and I. Just GO AWAY. FUCK.
Stay out of our lives. Go get your own! PLEASE for the love of God.
(sorry... had to get that out.)
Anyway... I've lost everyone. I have 5 or 6 SOLID people and that's it.
Stuart is the newbie in our group. I love that kid. I really do. I was the first to give him my approval to date Brogin. We "met" on Skype while I was at Brogii's house. And since then, I'd like to think we are friends. Brogin, in a lot of ways, is like a brother to me. But in most ways, we're just inseperable best friends. I trust Stuart to keep him happy and treat him right. We've been around Stuart long enough to know that they truly love each other. And I couldn't be happier for both of them. <3
Stuart is an incredible guy. He's just a total sweetheart down to his core. He's sassy, and I LOVE that about him. He's hilarious, kind, and really attractive, to be honest. He gives amazing advice and has a very insightful brain. He's wise and he knows more about the world than most. I can tell from listening to him. (We call him the Wizard when he starts going all wise on us. :p)
He's cute and he and Brogi-Bear are PERFECT.
Stuart fits in really well with our group, and that is a major accomplishment.(: I'm really happy, hell, We're ALL really happy he is now one of us. He joined our family and we all know we can trust him.
So, I guess he'd be a 7th person for me to count on. Even though I really don't want to put him in that position. I want HIM to put himself there, when and if he's comfortable enough with me to be there.
He also calls me sweetie a lot and it's one of the cutest things ever. :p
Now, the thing with Ken.. She's been weird lately.. I love her to death.. But I don't know what's going on.. I think she's majorly stressed out by something... Or maybe she's upset or something. I don't know. She won't really open up to Brogin and me. So we're kinda left in the dust not knowing what's happening when she has these random mood changes. We both love her and care about her. Brogin's trying to give her space... But I'm worried. Sometimes it feels like she's angry with me and that hurts me a lot... I've spent a couple nights crying thinking she was mad at me or something. She says everything is fine, and she keeps apologizing for being "shitty". I just want to get through to her, know what happened, and get back to normal. For now, I'm waiting. I'm giving her space until we hang out this upcoming week. She said Brogin and I could come over for the fourth and have a sleepover. But Brogin's in Cali, so it's just the two of us. Hopefully we can bond again like we use to and we can go back to normal.(:
That's the other thing.
Brogin's in California for a week or so. And Ken is either still in Eugene, or is at home not wanting to hang out.
Ryan is at Lincoln City having fun at the beach, Brittany is in Cali, Steve is somewhere around these parts, but God only knows where, Mackenzie is busy again, and Sarah probably is too. So, for a while, I'm even MORE alone than I already was to begin with... Lovely.
Wish me luck...
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