Yeah.. We went shopping in Bend, and because the car was unlocked, my iPod got stolen.
It had a shit ton of music on it and I took it with me EVERYWHERE I went.
And now it's gone. And I feel SO out of place. It makes me feel kinda sick to my stomach. I get stressed out WAY easier now, and all my emotions are unbalanced again.
When I don't have music with me, I get bipolar. Like, heavily.
And it's making me worry.. Because my mom won't buy me one. She doesn't have the money too.
But all my emotions are being set off so easily now. I have a really short fuse because I don't have music with me at all times to keep me sane.
Fuck. What do I do?
I feel like breaking down and crying ALL THE TIME.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
The Weekend With Awesome People(:
Ryan was off backpacking with his dad, but the rest of us hung out.(:
Isaiah, his friend Cilia and I, hung out and smoked at the creek. Bonding time, you know.
We went into Bend and bought a bong and everything was going really well. I love hanging out with Isaiah, he's actually really cool. And Cilia was AWESOME too.(:
That night, all of our friends got together at Sierra's house and had a "party".
Not really. Low amounts of alcohol, so nobody got DRUNK, and we had no weed.
Soo, we pretty much all just chilled and played games and listened to music.
Garrett came along too! So I got to know him more, and go figure, people have him all wrong.
Garrett is one of the coolest people I know. Sure, he's quiet... But when you get him talking, he's so nice and he's funny too.
It was great just chilling with them all. Garrett and Isaiah remind me so much of my brothers, and everyone feels like family. I can really be myself around them, and they like me just as I am.
We all discussed going and floating the river the next day, and we all said our goodbyes until the next day came.
So, Saturday afternoon, I met up with Cilia and Isaiah at the creek again. We met up with Drew, we all talked and smoked a little, and then went to Sierra's house. We gathered up her and Daniel, then gathered up Garrett and Kristina, and we all headed to the river.(:
I got to spend some time with Garrett for one car ride, after lunch, and him and I talked for a while, which was good for our newly found friendship.
We all finally made it to the water, and from there, it was the best day I could've asked for.
Cilia and I became better acquainted, and we all attached to each other and floated for about an hour and a half.
Cracking jokes, making small talk, having a few actual conversations, goofing off, and whatnot.
It was loads of fun.
I would like to think that Garrett and I bonded. He smiled at me a lot, and they all made me feel even more part of the group. It was such a fun time. I loved hanging out with all of them. They really are the coolest people ever. We are family.(:
After floating, Isaiah, Cilia, and Drew had to go to dinner with Isaiah's family, so Kristina, Garrett and I went and picked up Katie, and went to Garrett's house.
They made dinner, Garrett and I got to talk more, and then we all sat down and watched The Boondocks Saints since Kristina was the only one who had seen it.
It was a really funny experience.
The movie was funny, and we were being pretty funny ourselves too.(:
By the end of the movie, my legs were on Garrett's lap, I was laying on Katie, and I was holding hands with Kristina.(:
It was awesome.
AND Kristina gave me an awesome necklace!! It was a 6-leaf clover she found in the forest that she put in this weird material to preserve it, and she gave it to me, saying "Now that you're officially my sister, I can give you this. And it'll give you some extra good luck while we are all away at college."
It was incredible. Everything about this weekend was amazing.
I was so filled with happiness, I got kinda emotional about it sometimes. I held it all back though, until I got home and smiled with tears of joy rolling down my cheeks.(:
I don't think I'll ever forget this weekend.(:
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Monday, July 23, 2012
Camping With My New Family
This is something I will probably never forget...
My memory will fade and things will become a blurry, jumbled up mess, but I will always have this weekend to look back on and reminisce about.
On July 20th, Isaiah, Ryan and myself went to see The Dark Knight together.(:
And it was good, but could have been better. But it was cool to see a movie with the guys.(:
Then we went camping the next day! It was Ryan, Isaiah, Kristina, her boyfriendy person named Eli, and Sierra, her baby, and her brother Logan.
It was probably THE best bonding experience ever.
We all hung out at the amazing spot Kristina took us to, we set everything up, and then chilled by the Metollius river. Isaiah got in, and then prompted all of us to, so eventually, I took off my sweatshirt, and did a push-up in the water, just like almost everyone else did. And boy, was that COLD water.
What was it, 38* I think they said? I don't know. But it was cold as shit and it was clean enough that we drank out of it.
After much conversing and spending time with one another, I started to feel more and more welcome with Ryan's friends.
Eventually, while we were all having a good time, Kristina put her arm around me, kissed my cheek and announced to the group how much she loves me and that I'm now family. When she told everyone that I was one of them now, they all agreed. Isaiah finally confirmed that we were officially friends and Sierra, Logan and Eli were really nice too.
That night, Isaiah, Sierra and myself stayed up for most of the night, talking.
It was INCREDIBLE. Isaiah's brain works so much like mine, I had no idea. He's so much like me and that was probably the part of the camping trip that brought us closer together.
We all laid next to each other, staring up at the stars and talking about deep topics.
We saw a few shooting stars, and we had a deep conversation about space, life, and how the world works. It was amazing. To hear Isaiah SAY everything that I THINK, was almost... I don't even know how to describe it.. Hypnotizing almost. I couldn't stop commenting on it, either. And Isaiah kept saying "I'm so glad to hear you say that. I'm so happy you think this way too.", etc.
And at 11:11pm, we all held our arms in the air, grabbed each others' hands, and made a wish together before falling asleep and ending the wonderful night.
The next morning, I was in a great mood and I even found time to go off and listen to music while I drew a nice possible future tattoo for myself.
I loved getting to know everyone. It was one of the best camping trips I've ever experienced. Even though I did get a HUGE sunburn on my upper back. But whatever.
It was totally worth it.
It was so much fun. <3
I love them. I love ALL of them. And I will love them all forever.
We all plan to live in California together, along with some of my friends, on a huge compound farm. <3
Life just doesn't get much better than this. It really doesn't.(:
My memory will fade and things will become a blurry, jumbled up mess, but I will always have this weekend to look back on and reminisce about.
On July 20th, Isaiah, Ryan and myself went to see The Dark Knight together.(:
And it was good, but could have been better. But it was cool to see a movie with the guys.(:
Then we went camping the next day! It was Ryan, Isaiah, Kristina, her boyfriendy person named Eli, and Sierra, her baby, and her brother Logan.
It was probably THE best bonding experience ever.
We all hung out at the amazing spot Kristina took us to, we set everything up, and then chilled by the Metollius river. Isaiah got in, and then prompted all of us to, so eventually, I took off my sweatshirt, and did a push-up in the water, just like almost everyone else did. And boy, was that COLD water.
What was it, 38* I think they said? I don't know. But it was cold as shit and it was clean enough that we drank out of it.
After much conversing and spending time with one another, I started to feel more and more welcome with Ryan's friends.
Eventually, while we were all having a good time, Kristina put her arm around me, kissed my cheek and announced to the group how much she loves me and that I'm now family. When she told everyone that I was one of them now, they all agreed. Isaiah finally confirmed that we were officially friends and Sierra, Logan and Eli were really nice too.
That night, Isaiah, Sierra and myself stayed up for most of the night, talking.
It was INCREDIBLE. Isaiah's brain works so much like mine, I had no idea. He's so much like me and that was probably the part of the camping trip that brought us closer together.
We all laid next to each other, staring up at the stars and talking about deep topics.
We saw a few shooting stars, and we had a deep conversation about space, life, and how the world works. It was amazing. To hear Isaiah SAY everything that I THINK, was almost... I don't even know how to describe it.. Hypnotizing almost. I couldn't stop commenting on it, either. And Isaiah kept saying "I'm so glad to hear you say that. I'm so happy you think this way too.", etc.
And at 11:11pm, we all held our arms in the air, grabbed each others' hands, and made a wish together before falling asleep and ending the wonderful night.
The next morning, I was in a great mood and I even found time to go off and listen to music while I drew a nice possible future tattoo for myself.
I loved getting to know everyone. It was one of the best camping trips I've ever experienced. Even though I did get a HUGE sunburn on my upper back. But whatever.
It was totally worth it.
It was so much fun. <3
I love them. I love ALL of them. And I will love them all forever.
We all plan to live in California together, along with some of my friends, on a huge compound farm. <3
Life just doesn't get much better than this. It really doesn't.(:
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Learning How To Chill Out
I realized that my brother and Isaiah are right.
I freak out easily.. And I need to learn how to just relax and let things happen as they will.
Using tonight as the perfect chance to.
Just take some deep breaths when I get stressed (which is happening a lot here.).
Deep breaths, calm thoughts.
Needs more work. But I'll get there.
I freak out easily.. And I need to learn how to just relax and let things happen as they will.
Using tonight as the perfect chance to.
Just take some deep breaths when I get stressed (which is happening a lot here.).
Deep breaths, calm thoughts.
Needs more work. But I'll get there.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Having My Brothers Over
Best couple days ever.
Kyle and Brittany couldn't come down, but Alex and Josh did. It was SO much fun.
Even with my mom and John bringing down our fun and pissing us all off on day, it was a good fucking time.
At first, it was just us siblings hanging out.
Playing basketball, talking, hitting baseballs around, playing catch with the football, driving and listening to music, etc.
Then they met Sarah, and they loved her. They all got along instantly.
So, my bros decided to meet the other kids that are important to me. The only 2 they couldn't meet were Ken and Brittany. B is in California, and Ken was busy.
But me, Alex, Josh, Ryan, Sarah, Brogin, Steve and eventually Marissa all hung out.
We chilled at the HS for a while, and then we all went to Ryan's house, played some Zombies, and relaxed. Had dinner, played cards, talked and joked around.
It was so fun.
We all had an awesome time. Steve and Marissa left by the time dinner started, but it was fun anyway.
Eventually, we all left Ryan's and me and my bros walked around town for a while, just talking.
Josh split off, but Alex and I continued and told stories about partying.
The two of us sat down on a bench at the park and talked for 2-3 hours. It was great. Alex has always been more to me than a brother. He's also my best friend.
We can talk about anything and everything. He never judges me, he's always accepted me for who I am and what I like.
I even talked to him about being bi. He accepts me all the time, and THAT'S why he's my favorite brother. He understands me. We're closer than most siblings are.
We had a long discussion about our childhood, about mom, about the present, I mean, just everything.
We just talked and talked. It was amazing. I started to remember how alike the two of us are.
Then Steve and Marissa walked by and Steve was drunk as fuck, but we all walked to Marissa's and hung out there while the lightning was striking in the air.
We talked for a little bit, and it was about 1am when we decided, FUCK IT, let's all get in the car and go to the lava flow observatory.
We grabbed my bro Josh and we all packed in Alex's car, blasted some music, and off we went.
We got there, and watched the intense lightning, until we got news it was storming in town, so we headed back into town, but by the time we got there, it ceased, so we drove everyone home, and the 3 of us went back home and watched some Dane Cook before falling asleep in the living room.
It was a great couple of days. It really was. <3
Alex is gonna come back down in 2 weeks or so and hang out with me again. We even plan to party together. I'm excited. I've missed my brothers so much. It was really rejuvenating to see them again. <3
I'm so glad they liked all my friends and my boyfriend. I'm so glad everyone got along.
Alex said to me as we left Ryan's, "I feel a lot more comfortable having my sis down here, knowing that you have these people around you at all times."
He gets it now. THIS is why I'm still here. I have some seriously amazing people in my life who keep me happy as hell.
Kyle and Brittany couldn't come down, but Alex and Josh did. It was SO much fun.
Even with my mom and John bringing down our fun and pissing us all off on day, it was a good fucking time.
At first, it was just us siblings hanging out.
Playing basketball, talking, hitting baseballs around, playing catch with the football, driving and listening to music, etc.
Then they met Sarah, and they loved her. They all got along instantly.
So, my bros decided to meet the other kids that are important to me. The only 2 they couldn't meet were Ken and Brittany. B is in California, and Ken was busy.
But me, Alex, Josh, Ryan, Sarah, Brogin, Steve and eventually Marissa all hung out.
We chilled at the HS for a while, and then we all went to Ryan's house, played some Zombies, and relaxed. Had dinner, played cards, talked and joked around.
It was so fun.
We all had an awesome time. Steve and Marissa left by the time dinner started, but it was fun anyway.
Eventually, we all left Ryan's and me and my bros walked around town for a while, just talking.
Josh split off, but Alex and I continued and told stories about partying.
The two of us sat down on a bench at the park and talked for 2-3 hours. It was great. Alex has always been more to me than a brother. He's also my best friend.
We can talk about anything and everything. He never judges me, he's always accepted me for who I am and what I like.
I even talked to him about being bi. He accepts me all the time, and THAT'S why he's my favorite brother. He understands me. We're closer than most siblings are.
We had a long discussion about our childhood, about mom, about the present, I mean, just everything.
We just talked and talked. It was amazing. I started to remember how alike the two of us are.
Then Steve and Marissa walked by and Steve was drunk as fuck, but we all walked to Marissa's and hung out there while the lightning was striking in the air.
We talked for a little bit, and it was about 1am when we decided, FUCK IT, let's all get in the car and go to the lava flow observatory.
We grabbed my bro Josh and we all packed in Alex's car, blasted some music, and off we went.
We got there, and watched the intense lightning, until we got news it was storming in town, so we headed back into town, but by the time we got there, it ceased, so we drove everyone home, and the 3 of us went back home and watched some Dane Cook before falling asleep in the living room.
It was a great couple of days. It really was. <3
Alex is gonna come back down in 2 weeks or so and hang out with me again. We even plan to party together. I'm excited. I've missed my brothers so much. It was really rejuvenating to see them again. <3
I'm so glad they liked all my friends and my boyfriend. I'm so glad everyone got along.
Alex said to me as we left Ryan's, "I feel a lot more comfortable having my sis down here, knowing that you have these people around you at all times."
He gets it now. THIS is why I'm still here. I have some seriously amazing people in my life who keep me happy as hell.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Who Would Have Guessed?
Tonight, Steven called me up saying he wanted to go walk around.
So, we walked, we talked, and we listened.
Steve and I have always been close. We've always been able to talk to each other about more real things than most people can handle discussing.
We can be so real with each other, and we love it.
So, eventually, after a lot of talking, joking, and him trying to cheer me up, (successfully), we ended up at the church swings. Talking about random shit, him rapping and making me laugh a lot.
We talked about the past and how things happened and why, and how things have changed and how things will continue to progress as time goes by.
It was really great to reminisce with him and talk about everything.
It made me love him a little more.(:
He's seriously one of my absolute best friends. There's nobody like him, he's really one of a kind.
Then, I tell him Ryan's out walking around. That's when he gets excited and says "Shit, let's go find him!!" and we met up with Ryan, walked around, and talked.(:
It was amazing. The two most important guys in my life, (that aren't my brothers), were both by my side, and we were all talking.
I've never felt so loved in my life. It was an amazing moment. I felt so comfortable and so safe and so at ease.
Which is a huge change from when the night started. <3
Steve, Ryan.... I love you both so much. <3
So, we walked, we talked, and we listened.
Steve and I have always been close. We've always been able to talk to each other about more real things than most people can handle discussing.
We can be so real with each other, and we love it.
So, eventually, after a lot of talking, joking, and him trying to cheer me up, (successfully), we ended up at the church swings. Talking about random shit, him rapping and making me laugh a lot.
We talked about the past and how things happened and why, and how things have changed and how things will continue to progress as time goes by.
It was really great to reminisce with him and talk about everything.
It made me love him a little more.(:
He's seriously one of my absolute best friends. There's nobody like him, he's really one of a kind.
Then, I tell him Ryan's out walking around. That's when he gets excited and says "Shit, let's go find him!!" and we met up with Ryan, walked around, and talked.(:
It was amazing. The two most important guys in my life, (that aren't my brothers), were both by my side, and we were all talking.
I've never felt so loved in my life. It was an amazing moment. I felt so comfortable and so safe and so at ease.
Which is a huge change from when the night started. <3
Steve, Ryan.... I love you both so much. <3
Bullshit
Today... Started out wonderful.
Played basketball with my bros and talked. I told them everything. Because I always do.
We were having a great time and we started bitching about our parents and how things have been changing.
THEN.
Then we witnessed it again.
Mom changed. Because of her new husband. She's become "holy" or whatever you wanna call it.
They think they're perfect human beings that are going straight up to Heaven when they die.
After John was talking shit and making fun of a gay couple.
RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.
Sure, he doesn't know that I'm bi, but seriously?
TWO OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE GAY.
What is wrong with you?
He also said that if I get pregnant, I'm on my own. I thought he was joking. He wasn't.
THEN. He goes even further. Saying if I get straight A's next year, he'll buy me whatever car I want, which has been the standing deal for a while. Ended it by saying "If you get even one f, you will never see your boyfriend again."
My brothers were as pissed as I was. John's been such a little asshole. I'm tired of it. And so are they, and they just fucking met him.
As if that wasn't bad enough.
I accidentally met up with Brogin and Ken. Told them what happened. They were pissed as shit too.
Then I go to Ryan's and he starts a conversation by saying "If I broke up with you. right here, right now, would you kill yourself either now OR later on?"
That was pleasant.
After talking with him, more bullshit with his parents.
Boy. I'm getting more and more sick of people as time goes by. I'm becoming more and more anti-social. Why? Because PEOPLE. ARE. FUCKING. ASSHOLES.
All these heartless fucking people that enter my life and fuck with it.
They all need to go the fuck away and burn in hell.
SO MANY OF THEM.
Anyway. This will end like many of my bitch sessions end.
I hate humanity and I'd rather be an animagus. <3
Played basketball with my bros and talked. I told them everything. Because I always do.
We were having a great time and we started bitching about our parents and how things have been changing.
THEN.
Then we witnessed it again.
Mom changed. Because of her new husband. She's become "holy" or whatever you wanna call it.
They think they're perfect human beings that are going straight up to Heaven when they die.
After John was talking shit and making fun of a gay couple.
RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.
Sure, he doesn't know that I'm bi, but seriously?
TWO OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE GAY.
What is wrong with you?
He also said that if I get pregnant, I'm on my own. I thought he was joking. He wasn't.
THEN. He goes even further. Saying if I get straight A's next year, he'll buy me whatever car I want, which has been the standing deal for a while. Ended it by saying "If you get even one f, you will never see your boyfriend again."
My brothers were as pissed as I was. John's been such a little asshole. I'm tired of it. And so are they, and they just fucking met him.
As if that wasn't bad enough.
I accidentally met up with Brogin and Ken. Told them what happened. They were pissed as shit too.
Then I go to Ryan's and he starts a conversation by saying "If I broke up with you. right here, right now, would you kill yourself either now OR later on?"
That was pleasant.
After talking with him, more bullshit with his parents.
Boy. I'm getting more and more sick of people as time goes by. I'm becoming more and more anti-social. Why? Because PEOPLE. ARE. FUCKING. ASSHOLES.
All these heartless fucking people that enter my life and fuck with it.
They all need to go the fuck away and burn in hell.
SO MANY OF THEM.
Anyway. This will end like many of my bitch sessions end.
I hate humanity and I'd rather be an animagus. <3
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Enough Is Enough With These Parents
I wrote this post a couple days ago. Couldn't decide if I should post it or not. But now I am.
I've had it.
I tried so hard to get his parents to like me.
Why do they still read my blog? Man, I thought they stopped.
The reason is so they can find reasons to hate me.
Look, it's clear. It's out and it's known. You don't need to lie about it anymore.
You tell Ryan all the time that you don't like me and that you want us to break up.
THAT SUCKS.
Because we aren't going to. We are in love. WHY CAN'T YOU BE HAPPY ABOUT THAT?
What kind of parents try to control EVERYTHING that happens in their son's life?
He's 18 for Christ sake.
LET HIM LIVE.
He didn't do anything wrong. He fell in love with someone. Why is that so terrible?
And, better question: Why do you hate me so much?
1. I party.
SO WHAT. Everybody in the world parties! And you realize Ryan is going to COLLEGE, right? Like there are no such thing as college parties? Please.
2. I smoke.
SO DOES HALF THE REST OF THE WORLD.
3. I hurt Ryan.
Guess what!! EVERY. RELATIONSHIP. IS GOING. TO HURT. Relationships are not easy. He's hurt me and I've hurt him. It's how it is. Deal with it. We fight for our love.
Look, it's going to be a painful journey. Couples fight. It happens!! But you act like we're the only couple who fights? Didn't you when you were younger? If you say no, that's complete and utter bullshit, and you know it.
Then what happens?
After so much attempt at getting along with you guys, you come to Ryan's with, what was it? My old blog post?
No. Because you twisted my words around. So what the fuck was it? BULLSHIT. That's what.
It's shit you came up with so you could hurt us. Break us up if you could. Well guess again. Because you can't.
Sorry for being so rude, but I can't be nice! You won't accept me either way, so I might as well tell you how I feel and tell you how FUCKED it is that you would try to ruin a relationship.
I don't care if you're unhappy! Fucking A!! If you have a shitty ass life, that sucks and I truly feel for you. UNTIL you pull shit to make us unhappy too, because now, you're not a good person that bad things have happened to. Now, you're a bad person. Period.
You say I don't really love Ryan and that he doesn't really love me?
PLEASE. Do you even know what love IS anymore?
I think you need to go on a vacation and remember what it's like to fall in love. Then, who knows? Maybe you'll understand and see what you've done wrong in how you've been treating Ryan and I.
Maybe THEN, you'll respect your son's choices and opinions.
Maybe THEN, you'll learn to REALLY care about him and how he feels.
Maybe THEN, you'll get over yourselves and actually GET TO KNOW ME.
But until THEN comes... Ryan and I are gonna fight you. We are gonna fight for what WE KNOW is right and what WE KNOW we want.
I've had it.
I tried so hard to get his parents to like me.
Why do they still read my blog? Man, I thought they stopped.
The reason is so they can find reasons to hate me.
Look, it's clear. It's out and it's known. You don't need to lie about it anymore.
You tell Ryan all the time that you don't like me and that you want us to break up.
THAT SUCKS.
Because we aren't going to. We are in love. WHY CAN'T YOU BE HAPPY ABOUT THAT?
What kind of parents try to control EVERYTHING that happens in their son's life?
He's 18 for Christ sake.
LET HIM LIVE.
He didn't do anything wrong. He fell in love with someone. Why is that so terrible?
And, better question: Why do you hate me so much?
1. I party.
SO WHAT. Everybody in the world parties! And you realize Ryan is going to COLLEGE, right? Like there are no such thing as college parties? Please.
2. I smoke.
SO DOES HALF THE REST OF THE WORLD.
3. I hurt Ryan.
Guess what!! EVERY. RELATIONSHIP. IS GOING. TO HURT. Relationships are not easy. He's hurt me and I've hurt him. It's how it is. Deal with it. We fight for our love.
Look, it's going to be a painful journey. Couples fight. It happens!! But you act like we're the only couple who fights? Didn't you when you were younger? If you say no, that's complete and utter bullshit, and you know it.
Then what happens?
After so much attempt at getting along with you guys, you come to Ryan's with, what was it? My old blog post?
No. Because you twisted my words around. So what the fuck was it? BULLSHIT. That's what.
It's shit you came up with so you could hurt us. Break us up if you could. Well guess again. Because you can't.
Sorry for being so rude, but I can't be nice! You won't accept me either way, so I might as well tell you how I feel and tell you how FUCKED it is that you would try to ruin a relationship.
I don't care if you're unhappy! Fucking A!! If you have a shitty ass life, that sucks and I truly feel for you. UNTIL you pull shit to make us unhappy too, because now, you're not a good person that bad things have happened to. Now, you're a bad person. Period.
You say I don't really love Ryan and that he doesn't really love me?
PLEASE. Do you even know what love IS anymore?
I think you need to go on a vacation and remember what it's like to fall in love. Then, who knows? Maybe you'll understand and see what you've done wrong in how you've been treating Ryan and I.
Maybe THEN, you'll respect your son's choices and opinions.
Maybe THEN, you'll learn to REALLY care about him and how he feels.
Maybe THEN, you'll get over yourselves and actually GET TO KNOW ME.
But until THEN comes... Ryan and I are gonna fight you. We are gonna fight for what WE KNOW is right and what WE KNOW we want.
Friday, July 13, 2012
It's About Time I Do Something
Last night... Sarah and I ran into Wyatt.
He tried to ignore her, and so when she went to talk to him, like usual, he ended up making her cry. So I lost it.
You can fuck with me all you want. And I will want to hit you.
But when you fuck with people I care about, I WILL hit you.
So, after I got off the phone with Ryan... I was hella pissed. Simply because his parents are trying to break us up and I've had it with them.
So I was even more angry, my adrenaline was pumping, and I was ready to punch something... or someone.
I went to find Wyatt again. And succeeded.
Went up to him, grabbed his arm, and pulled him away from his bitchy little girlfriend.
I straight up asked him why he's been ignoring Sarah and causing her so much pain.
With a lot of attitude he responded that he had better things to do and that we should ask Ross.
He tried walking away, and I yanked his arm again and got in front of him. I said "NO. You are going to talk to us. You're gonna answer my questions."
He got all defensive and told me not to touch him and that he'd talk to us later. He tried walking away again.
I had almost had it. So I grabbed him one last time, got in front of him, and he turned to Sarah and said
"You really gonna make a scene right now?"
Sarah up and left. Pretty much a "fuck you" to Wyatt. I was so pissed, I just left him there..
I wish so bad that I would have hit him. I don't know why I didn't, now that I think about it.
I wish he would have said the "causing a scene" thing to me, though. I would have shut him up right then and there with a fist to the mouth.
Next time I see him, there will be hell to pay. That bitch has caused Sarah so much pain in the last 2 years. And I'm fed up with it. I've seen her cry way too many times to just sit around and do nothing about it.
Next time I see him, he's gonna wish he treated her better.
He tried to ignore her, and so when she went to talk to him, like usual, he ended up making her cry. So I lost it.
You can fuck with me all you want. And I will want to hit you.
But when you fuck with people I care about, I WILL hit you.
So, after I got off the phone with Ryan... I was hella pissed. Simply because his parents are trying to break us up and I've had it with them.
So I was even more angry, my adrenaline was pumping, and I was ready to punch something... or someone.
I went to find Wyatt again. And succeeded.
Went up to him, grabbed his arm, and pulled him away from his bitchy little girlfriend.
I straight up asked him why he's been ignoring Sarah and causing her so much pain.
With a lot of attitude he responded that he had better things to do and that we should ask Ross.
He tried walking away, and I yanked his arm again and got in front of him. I said "NO. You are going to talk to us. You're gonna answer my questions."
He got all defensive and told me not to touch him and that he'd talk to us later. He tried walking away again.
I had almost had it. So I grabbed him one last time, got in front of him, and he turned to Sarah and said
"You really gonna make a scene right now?"
Sarah up and left. Pretty much a "fuck you" to Wyatt. I was so pissed, I just left him there..
I wish so bad that I would have hit him. I don't know why I didn't, now that I think about it.
I wish he would have said the "causing a scene" thing to me, though. I would have shut him up right then and there with a fist to the mouth.
Next time I see him, there will be hell to pay. That bitch has caused Sarah so much pain in the last 2 years. And I'm fed up with it. I've seen her cry way too many times to just sit around and do nothing about it.
Next time I see him, he's gonna wish he treated her better.
♥ My Home - Thousand Foot Krutch ♥
This place is many things,… but I’d never call it home,
It’s just a building in a city, everywhere I go
This place is many things,… but I can’t call it home,
Home is the place you are, and I just want to let you know
That I’ve done a few things, I wasn’t proud of,
Might of said a few things that hurt you,
But you’re still the only one, who fills me up,
And every night spent alone, was worth it
You are my home, you are my everything, when I feel so alone,
You are my home, you are my shelter,… when all my hope is gone
And I’ve seen many things,… but they don’t look like home,
There just the bright-lights from a city glowing all night long,
And I’ve seen many faces, but they all look the same,
Home is the place you are, and I just wanna let you know
That I’ve done a few things, I wasn’t proud of,
Might of said a few things that hurt you,
But you’re still the only one, who fills me up,
And all tears that we’ve shared, were worth it
You are my home, you are my everything, when I feel so alone,
You are my home, you are my shelter,… when all my hope is gone
You are my home, you are my everything, when I feel so alone,
You are my heart, you are the one,… when it all comes undone
When it all comes undone, when it all comes undone,
When it all comes undone, when it all comes undone...
You are my home, you are my everything, when I feel so alone,
You are my home, you are my shelter,… when all my hope is gone
You are my home, you are my everything, when I feel so alone,
You are my heart, you are the one,… when it all comes undone
It’s just a building in a city, everywhere I go
This place is many things,… but I can’t call it home,
Home is the place you are, and I just want to let you know
That I’ve done a few things, I wasn’t proud of,
Might of said a few things that hurt you,
But you’re still the only one, who fills me up,
And every night spent alone, was worth it
You are my home, you are my everything, when I feel so alone,
You are my home, you are my shelter,… when all my hope is gone
And I’ve seen many things,… but they don’t look like home,
There just the bright-lights from a city glowing all night long,
And I’ve seen many faces, but they all look the same,
Home is the place you are, and I just wanna let you know
That I’ve done a few things, I wasn’t proud of,
Might of said a few things that hurt you,
But you’re still the only one, who fills me up,
And all tears that we’ve shared, were worth it
You are my home, you are my everything, when I feel so alone,
You are my home, you are my shelter,… when all my hope is gone
You are my home, you are my everything, when I feel so alone,
You are my heart, you are the one,… when it all comes undone
When it all comes undone, when it all comes undone,
When it all comes undone, when it all comes undone...
You are my home, you are my everything, when I feel so alone,
You are my home, you are my shelter,… when all my hope is gone
You are my home, you are my everything, when I feel so alone,
You are my heart, you are the one,… when it all comes undone
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
7.8.12
Best day of my life.
No joke.
Ryan is the most amazing guy I have ever met.
Our relationship excelled to a higher point of love, and I can't describe how great it was.
I spent the night at his house in town... It was just the two of us and I can honestly say nothing has ever made me happier than that night.
Our relationship went from good to PERFECT in one night.
When I'm at his house, it feels like I live there. Like I belong there.
He treats me like his best friend, and like I'm his wife.
I've never been so happy.
I use to be skeptical about certain things.. But he's turned that view around. He's made me a believer in so many different ways.
It was indescribable. The entire night was.
My favorite part... I shouldn't talk about here.(:
My second favorite part was lying in the hammock together, looking up at the stars. Every now and then, he would wrap both arms around me and squeeze me close to him. It was amazing.
He's never... Scratch that, NOBODY has ever made me feel so loved. <3
No joke.
Ryan is the most amazing guy I have ever met.
Our relationship excelled to a higher point of love, and I can't describe how great it was.
I spent the night at his house in town... It was just the two of us and I can honestly say nothing has ever made me happier than that night.
Our relationship went from good to PERFECT in one night.
When I'm at his house, it feels like I live there. Like I belong there.
He treats me like his best friend, and like I'm his wife.
I've never been so happy.
I use to be skeptical about certain things.. But he's turned that view around. He's made me a believer in so many different ways.
It was indescribable. The entire night was.
My favorite part... I shouldn't talk about here.(:
My second favorite part was lying in the hammock together, looking up at the stars. Every now and then, he would wrap both arms around me and squeeze me close to him. It was amazing.
He's never... Scratch that, NOBODY has ever made me feel so loved. <3
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Undeserving.
Ryan and I.. have been having issues, I guess. I can feel this tension between us. Especially when he came over... It was weird. I honestly didn't even want to see him. Some of this is going to be news to him, but I don't know.. It's the truth.
He came over, and I wasn't even excited to see him even though I thought he came home a few days early. Even when he kissed me, it felt like something was off. I didn't feel anything..
When he left, I got upset about why I felt that way. And then I decided to come clean to him about some stuff that happened..
I fucked up.
But I told him everything.
Here's where I don't deserve him. He didn't care.
He forgave me! INSTANTLY.
What the FUCK.
No. He should have hated me. He should have been pissed and left me. But he didn't.
It honestly made me feel even worse.
I don't deserve him.
And as soon as I said that to him, he got angry.
We argued about it for a good couple hours until I fell asleep..
I don't care what he says.
I know the truth.
Everyone does.
Except him.
I don't deserve him. At all. He is WAY too good for me and he should have left me.
I'm a shit girlfriend and he doesn't deserve my bullshit.
He won't listen to me. He's so stubborn sometimes.It made me really sad that he couldn't see reason.
But it doesn't matter because he never will.
He never will listen to me.
He said he will always forgive me for ANYTHING. Even the worst...
And, see, the thing is, if he did anything like that to me, I would leave him...
THAT'S how I don't deserve him..
That's just one of the many reasons.
But he'll never see that. He'll never come to the right conclusion because he is blinded.
I love him and I am really happy he loves me, but it's frustrating that it doesn't make any logical sense..
At least Sarah gets where I'm coming from...
He came over, and I wasn't even excited to see him even though I thought he came home a few days early. Even when he kissed me, it felt like something was off. I didn't feel anything..
When he left, I got upset about why I felt that way. And then I decided to come clean to him about some stuff that happened..
I fucked up.
But I told him everything.
Here's where I don't deserve him. He didn't care.
He forgave me! INSTANTLY.
What the FUCK.
No. He should have hated me. He should have been pissed and left me. But he didn't.
It honestly made me feel even worse.
I don't deserve him.
And as soon as I said that to him, he got angry.
We argued about it for a good couple hours until I fell asleep..
I don't care what he says.
I know the truth.
Everyone does.
Except him.
I don't deserve him. At all. He is WAY too good for me and he should have left me.
I'm a shit girlfriend and he doesn't deserve my bullshit.
He won't listen to me. He's so stubborn sometimes.It made me really sad that he couldn't see reason.
But it doesn't matter because he never will.
He never will listen to me.
He said he will always forgive me for ANYTHING. Even the worst...
And, see, the thing is, if he did anything like that to me, I would leave him...
THAT'S how I don't deserve him..
That's just one of the many reasons.
But he'll never see that. He'll never come to the right conclusion because he is blinded.
I love him and I am really happy he loves me, but it's frustrating that it doesn't make any logical sense..
At least Sarah gets where I'm coming from...
The Fourth.
The 4th of July has always been one of my favorite holidays. It's tied with Halloween. Easily.
I have spent about 90% of my Fourth of July's with Cassidy.
But recently, I haven't.
Last year, I spent it with my stoner friends, causing havoc. haha. Good times.(:
This year, I was gonna spend it with Ken and Brogin. But Brogii went to California, and Ken doesn't want to hang out at all.
Plus, Ryan was at the beach. So I thought I was gonna be alone for my favorite holiday.
Until Sarah... Bless her soul...
She made it happen that I could go with her, Loginn and Ross. Logan Calmettes was suppose to come, but didn't. Then Brett Pray was suppose to join us, but he made other plans.
So. We hung out at Sarah's for a while, and I started feeling bad about myself.. Looks wise. Due to hanging out with Sarah and Loginn. I tried ignoring it.
We packed the car with blankets, and we headed for Bend.
The car ride was kinda fun, kinda boring. I should have brought my music.
We talked and joked for a little while, took some pictures, and Sarah played some music from her phone. But then it really started to set in.
Compared to Sarah and Loginn, I'm VERY unattractive. Sarah is GORGEOUS and Loginn is really cute.
Since I am neither, I felt really.. I don't know.. Outnumbered?
We got to the house and we sat down outside and ate chicken and drank soda.(:
Ross broke himself, so he was being waited on.
He and Sarah were on a bench together, and I was sitting on the chair his leg was resting on. Loginn stood. haha.
We talked about stuff.
And I'm not sure how it happened.. But we talked about things I didn't really want Ross to know..
We were joking about things we really shouldn't joke about, but we do that all the time.
And the guy waiting on Ross came out and made a joke... Saying "nobody's cutting themselves out here, right?"
And Sarah and I look at each other and burst out laughing. Loginn didn't hear, but if she had, she would have laughed too. The 3 of us all cut... And Ross was the one outnumbered now.
It shouldn't have been funny, but it was.
And then we talked about suicide. And I was gonna tell Sarah something about it, and then I stopped, so Ross wouldn't catch on. He did, though. He said "Wait, did you try killing yourself the other day?"
And I was about to say no when Sarah said "maybe..."
Thanks.
So we talked about it and he made me and Sarah promise to let him know if I ever felt like that again so he could come help me out.
Anyway, after a while we headed to this park and played on the playground and swingset. It was fun. We were having a good time, talking and joking about shit.
I was being absurd... but whatever. No shame!
After a while, I got really upset. Ryan and I were arguing and I was still feeling like a troll. So I went and sat on this springy elephant thing and Ross came over and talked to me, since I wouldn't talk to anyone else about it.
I told him what was going on, after a lot of convincing from his part.
He told me to not worry about it, because he thinks I'm awesome.
He told me all this stuff about me that he likes and I started feeling a little better about myself.
Apparently I'm a really funny bitch.
So, he hugged me and him and I kept talking while we headed to get the blankets from the car and lay in the grass to watch fireworks.
We watched the fireworks, looked at the stars, and made a LOT of inappropriate, but HILARIOUS jokes.
Some of which only Sarah and I understood. Oh, how great that was... lots of tears from laughing so hard.(:
Then we left at about 11pm. All in all, it was a good day and I'm really glad I went. And, I think Ross and I found a new common ground. I think we're closer than we were before now that he knows all this stuff about me.
I have spent about 90% of my Fourth of July's with Cassidy.
But recently, I haven't.
Last year, I spent it with my stoner friends, causing havoc. haha. Good times.(:
This year, I was gonna spend it with Ken and Brogin. But Brogii went to California, and Ken doesn't want to hang out at all.
Plus, Ryan was at the beach. So I thought I was gonna be alone for my favorite holiday.
Until Sarah... Bless her soul...
She made it happen that I could go with her, Loginn and Ross. Logan Calmettes was suppose to come, but didn't. Then Brett Pray was suppose to join us, but he made other plans.
So. We hung out at Sarah's for a while, and I started feeling bad about myself.. Looks wise. Due to hanging out with Sarah and Loginn. I tried ignoring it.
We packed the car with blankets, and we headed for Bend.
The car ride was kinda fun, kinda boring. I should have brought my music.
We talked and joked for a little while, took some pictures, and Sarah played some music from her phone. But then it really started to set in.
Compared to Sarah and Loginn, I'm VERY unattractive. Sarah is GORGEOUS and Loginn is really cute.
Since I am neither, I felt really.. I don't know.. Outnumbered?
We got to the house and we sat down outside and ate chicken and drank soda.(:
Ross broke himself, so he was being waited on.
He and Sarah were on a bench together, and I was sitting on the chair his leg was resting on. Loginn stood. haha.
We talked about stuff.
And I'm not sure how it happened.. But we talked about things I didn't really want Ross to know..
We were joking about things we really shouldn't joke about, but we do that all the time.
And the guy waiting on Ross came out and made a joke... Saying "nobody's cutting themselves out here, right?"
And Sarah and I look at each other and burst out laughing. Loginn didn't hear, but if she had, she would have laughed too. The 3 of us all cut... And Ross was the one outnumbered now.
It shouldn't have been funny, but it was.
And then we talked about suicide. And I was gonna tell Sarah something about it, and then I stopped, so Ross wouldn't catch on. He did, though. He said "Wait, did you try killing yourself the other day?"
And I was about to say no when Sarah said "maybe..."
Thanks.
So we talked about it and he made me and Sarah promise to let him know if I ever felt like that again so he could come help me out.
Anyway, after a while we headed to this park and played on the playground and swingset. It was fun. We were having a good time, talking and joking about shit.
I was being absurd... but whatever. No shame!
After a while, I got really upset. Ryan and I were arguing and I was still feeling like a troll. So I went and sat on this springy elephant thing and Ross came over and talked to me, since I wouldn't talk to anyone else about it.
I told him what was going on, after a lot of convincing from his part.
He told me to not worry about it, because he thinks I'm awesome.
He told me all this stuff about me that he likes and I started feeling a little better about myself.
Apparently I'm a really funny bitch.
So, he hugged me and him and I kept talking while we headed to get the blankets from the car and lay in the grass to watch fireworks.
We watched the fireworks, looked at the stars, and made a LOT of inappropriate, but HILARIOUS jokes.
Some of which only Sarah and I understood. Oh, how great that was... lots of tears from laughing so hard.(:
Then we left at about 11pm. All in all, it was a good day and I'm really glad I went. And, I think Ross and I found a new common ground. I think we're closer than we were before now that he knows all this stuff about me.
Monday, July 2, 2012
It's Crazy How Things Can Turn Around
Last night was worse than bad.
I lost it... Way too much and went too far..
Almost way too far..
Thank God for Stuart and Sarah for getting me out of that... They seriously helped me a lot last night... Even if Stuart did get upset with me.
Ken and I worked everything out, too! Praise the Lord... I was so worried. I'm really glad that everything is okay with us.
This morning, I woke up and went straight to BiMart to buy myself some bleach hair dye, and walked to Sarah's in the like 90 degree heat.
I got to her house, we hung out for a bit, playing Animal Crossing, and I started dying my hair. When I had finished, we had some left, so we bleached part of Sarah's too.
We waited for a few hours, and then when it was done, we washed it out and WOW.
My hair is seriously blonde.
I sent pictures to my friends, and 3 of them said it was cute. One was being kinda bitchy about it, not gonna lie. And Ryan said it looks good but it'll look better when it's blue and red. Either way, I'm stoked about it.
Sarah's hair looks awesome too. She looks like a hot indie girl.
I finally was able to style my hair how I wanted it to, so my bangs work perfectly on their own and my coontails are pretty much gone now. They're veryyyy light orange, but I can cover them up easily.(:
Both of us have awesome hair now and we're both really excited about it.
You know what? Fuck everyone else who doesn't like it. I don't give a shit.
Even though Ross and Ryan both got upset and had a bad night, it's pretty much been a decent day.
Animal Crossing, hair dye, food, and bitch sessions. Fun shit. I love Sarah. She really raised my spirits and put me in a good mood.
That's a nice change from last night...
I lost it... Way too much and went too far..
Almost way too far..
Thank God for Stuart and Sarah for getting me out of that... They seriously helped me a lot last night... Even if Stuart did get upset with me.
Ken and I worked everything out, too! Praise the Lord... I was so worried. I'm really glad that everything is okay with us.
This morning, I woke up and went straight to BiMart to buy myself some bleach hair dye, and walked to Sarah's in the like 90 degree heat.
I got to her house, we hung out for a bit, playing Animal Crossing, and I started dying my hair. When I had finished, we had some left, so we bleached part of Sarah's too.
We waited for a few hours, and then when it was done, we washed it out and WOW.
My hair is seriously blonde.
I sent pictures to my friends, and 3 of them said it was cute. One was being kinda bitchy about it, not gonna lie. And Ryan said it looks good but it'll look better when it's blue and red. Either way, I'm stoked about it.
Sarah's hair looks awesome too. She looks like a hot indie girl.
I finally was able to style my hair how I wanted it to, so my bangs work perfectly on their own and my coontails are pretty much gone now. They're veryyyy light orange, but I can cover them up easily.(:
Both of us have awesome hair now and we're both really excited about it.
You know what? Fuck everyone else who doesn't like it. I don't give a shit.
Even though Ross and Ryan both got upset and had a bad night, it's pretty much been a decent day.
Animal Crossing, hair dye, food, and bitch sessions. Fun shit. I love Sarah. She really raised my spirits and put me in a good mood.
That's a nice change from last night...
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Someone Please... Kill Me
I fucking hope you're happy, Ashlee.
Your whole act finally brought down my life to its last strand of hope.
And now I'm back to wanting to die. I can't get myself to pull out my razors again... It's been so long since my last cut.. Which coincidentally was caused by Ashlee, too.
But God, it's tempting... My wrists are pulsating again. Not bad enough though.
After talking to Ken, I can't stop bawling.
I've been crying uncontrollably for about an hour.
Everyone is gone. And here I am, left alone to fight my emotions by myself. Ken doesn't want to see me. And she's the only that's left.
I will never forgive myself for what I've done in my past.
I've been in and out of hell before, but now I'm back in, and I don't know how long I'll be here.
And I have no one to drag me out but myself.
Hell, I wonder if Ryan's mom still reads my blog.. I wonder if she reads it and says what "The Girls" say. I'm overreacting. I'm over dramatic.
Fuck all of you guys.
You have NO idea what I've lived through... You have NO idea how I feel on a daily basis.
But nobody cares, so I don't know why I bother anymore...
Your whole act finally brought down my life to its last strand of hope.
And now I'm back to wanting to die. I can't get myself to pull out my razors again... It's been so long since my last cut.. Which coincidentally was caused by Ashlee, too.
But God, it's tempting... My wrists are pulsating again. Not bad enough though.
After talking to Ken, I can't stop bawling.
I've been crying uncontrollably for about an hour.
Everyone is gone. And here I am, left alone to fight my emotions by myself. Ken doesn't want to see me. And she's the only that's left.
I will never forgive myself for what I've done in my past.
I've been in and out of hell before, but now I'm back in, and I don't know how long I'll be here.
And I have no one to drag me out but myself.
Hell, I wonder if Ryan's mom still reads my blog.. I wonder if she reads it and says what "The Girls" say. I'm overreacting. I'm over dramatic.
Fuck all of you guys.
You have NO idea what I've lived through... You have NO idea how I feel on a daily basis.
But nobody cares, so I don't know why I bother anymore...
Alone In This World Full Of Hatred
Well, here's the deal.
Since the huge deal with Ashlee, I've never felt so alone in my entire life.
With my Depression and anxiety nagging at my mind every so often, I'm left here alone, with nobody but Brogin and Ken by my side.
Sarah, she's too busy half the time, and honestly, with my new found trust issues (thanks, Ashlee..), I just don't know who to go to anymore.
Who to trust with not only my secrets, but with my feelings and with my heart.
I have Brittany and Steve still 100%. But Brittany has been in Cali since summer started. And Steve's been hiding under his hole, rarely ever coming out. And when he does, it's great, but like I said, I don't see him much. Even though he DOES make sure I know that he is always here for me.(:
Mackenzie. This is my the stressful part. I know she's gonna read this and be utterly confused, or something. But I know she'll understand and have no judgement. (well, I hope)
Don't get me wrong, I still love Mackenzie dearly. I do. But with all that happened recently with Ashlee and everyone else... I don't know 100% if I can trust her. I went to her house and we had a good time! We caught up and watched plenty of TV together and stuff. I think we bonded more once it hit about 8 or 9pm. We kinda went back to normal. Which was really nice. But still, there's always that lingering thought in the back of my mind: What is she's lying to me? Scout's lied and pretended more times than I can count.. How do I KNOW Mackenzie really DOES like me still? What if it's all just an act to hurt me? What if... what if.... what if...
It's not just her, though. These questions come to my mind about EVERYONE. Everyone that isn't Brogin or Ken anyway.
I hate to say it, but it even happens with Ryan sometimes. I know I can trust him. I know he loves me. I love him too. But ever since he said he wanted to start talking to Angela again... Ugh. The thought hasn't left my mind. What if he does...?
She's a complete homewrecker, first of all. And apparently, she's a whore too. Who knew?
I don't want her grabbing onto Ryan like she did Jake. Kaity warned me about it.. And I won't lie, I'm scared. I trust RYAN. I don't trust HER.
It killed me that he even WANTED to talk to her again. And now they're friend on facebook... She goes around "liking" all this shit of him and I. Just GO AWAY. FUCK.
Stay out of our lives. Go get your own! PLEASE for the love of God.
(sorry... had to get that out.)
Anyway... I've lost everyone. I have 5 or 6 SOLID people and that's it.
Stuart is the newbie in our group. I love that kid. I really do. I was the first to give him my approval to date Brogin. We "met" on Skype while I was at Brogii's house. And since then, I'd like to think we are friends. Brogin, in a lot of ways, is like a brother to me. But in most ways, we're just inseperable best friends. I trust Stuart to keep him happy and treat him right. We've been around Stuart long enough to know that they truly love each other. And I couldn't be happier for both of them. <3
Stuart is an incredible guy. He's just a total sweetheart down to his core. He's sassy, and I LOVE that about him. He's hilarious, kind, and really attractive, to be honest. He gives amazing advice and has a very insightful brain. He's wise and he knows more about the world than most. I can tell from listening to him. (We call him the Wizard when he starts going all wise on us. :p)
He's cute and he and Brogi-Bear are PERFECT.
Stuart fits in really well with our group, and that is a major accomplishment.(: I'm really happy, hell, We're ALL really happy he is now one of us. He joined our family and we all know we can trust him.
So, I guess he'd be a 7th person for me to count on. Even though I really don't want to put him in that position. I want HIM to put himself there, when and if he's comfortable enough with me to be there.
He also calls me sweetie a lot and it's one of the cutest things ever. :p
Now, the thing with Ken.. She's been weird lately.. I love her to death.. But I don't know what's going on.. I think she's majorly stressed out by something... Or maybe she's upset or something. I don't know. She won't really open up to Brogin and me. So we're kinda left in the dust not knowing what's happening when she has these random mood changes. We both love her and care about her. Brogin's trying to give her space... But I'm worried. Sometimes it feels like she's angry with me and that hurts me a lot... I've spent a couple nights crying thinking she was mad at me or something. She says everything is fine, and she keeps apologizing for being "shitty". I just want to get through to her, know what happened, and get back to normal. For now, I'm waiting. I'm giving her space until we hang out this upcoming week. She said Brogin and I could come over for the fourth and have a sleepover. But Brogin's in Cali, so it's just the two of us. Hopefully we can bond again like we use to and we can go back to normal.(:
That's the other thing.
Brogin's in California for a week or so. And Ken is either still in Eugene, or is at home not wanting to hang out.
Ryan is at Lincoln City having fun at the beach, Brittany is in Cali, Steve is somewhere around these parts, but God only knows where, Mackenzie is busy again, and Sarah probably is too. So, for a while, I'm even MORE alone than I already was to begin with... Lovely.
Wish me luck...
Since the huge deal with Ashlee, I've never felt so alone in my entire life.
With my Depression and anxiety nagging at my mind every so often, I'm left here alone, with nobody but Brogin and Ken by my side.
Sarah, she's too busy half the time, and honestly, with my new found trust issues (thanks, Ashlee..), I just don't know who to go to anymore.
Who to trust with not only my secrets, but with my feelings and with my heart.
I have Brittany and Steve still 100%. But Brittany has been in Cali since summer started. And Steve's been hiding under his hole, rarely ever coming out. And when he does, it's great, but like I said, I don't see him much. Even though he DOES make sure I know that he is always here for me.(:
Mackenzie. This is my the stressful part. I know she's gonna read this and be utterly confused, or something. But I know she'll understand and have no judgement. (well, I hope)
Don't get me wrong, I still love Mackenzie dearly. I do. But with all that happened recently with Ashlee and everyone else... I don't know 100% if I can trust her. I went to her house and we had a good time! We caught up and watched plenty of TV together and stuff. I think we bonded more once it hit about 8 or 9pm. We kinda went back to normal. Which was really nice. But still, there's always that lingering thought in the back of my mind: What is she's lying to me? Scout's lied and pretended more times than I can count.. How do I KNOW Mackenzie really DOES like me still? What if it's all just an act to hurt me? What if... what if.... what if...
It's not just her, though. These questions come to my mind about EVERYONE. Everyone that isn't Brogin or Ken anyway.
I hate to say it, but it even happens with Ryan sometimes. I know I can trust him. I know he loves me. I love him too. But ever since he said he wanted to start talking to Angela again... Ugh. The thought hasn't left my mind. What if he does...?
She's a complete homewrecker, first of all. And apparently, she's a whore too. Who knew?
I don't want her grabbing onto Ryan like she did Jake. Kaity warned me about it.. And I won't lie, I'm scared. I trust RYAN. I don't trust HER.
It killed me that he even WANTED to talk to her again. And now they're friend on facebook... She goes around "liking" all this shit of him and I. Just GO AWAY. FUCK.
Stay out of our lives. Go get your own! PLEASE for the love of God.
(sorry... had to get that out.)
Anyway... I've lost everyone. I have 5 or 6 SOLID people and that's it.
Stuart is the newbie in our group. I love that kid. I really do. I was the first to give him my approval to date Brogin. We "met" on Skype while I was at Brogii's house. And since then, I'd like to think we are friends. Brogin, in a lot of ways, is like a brother to me. But in most ways, we're just inseperable best friends. I trust Stuart to keep him happy and treat him right. We've been around Stuart long enough to know that they truly love each other. And I couldn't be happier for both of them. <3
Stuart is an incredible guy. He's just a total sweetheart down to his core. He's sassy, and I LOVE that about him. He's hilarious, kind, and really attractive, to be honest. He gives amazing advice and has a very insightful brain. He's wise and he knows more about the world than most. I can tell from listening to him. (We call him the Wizard when he starts going all wise on us. :p)
He's cute and he and Brogi-Bear are PERFECT.
Stuart fits in really well with our group, and that is a major accomplishment.(: I'm really happy, hell, We're ALL really happy he is now one of us. He joined our family and we all know we can trust him.
So, I guess he'd be a 7th person for me to count on. Even though I really don't want to put him in that position. I want HIM to put himself there, when and if he's comfortable enough with me to be there.
He also calls me sweetie a lot and it's one of the cutest things ever. :p
Now, the thing with Ken.. She's been weird lately.. I love her to death.. But I don't know what's going on.. I think she's majorly stressed out by something... Or maybe she's upset or something. I don't know. She won't really open up to Brogin and me. So we're kinda left in the dust not knowing what's happening when she has these random mood changes. We both love her and care about her. Brogin's trying to give her space... But I'm worried. Sometimes it feels like she's angry with me and that hurts me a lot... I've spent a couple nights crying thinking she was mad at me or something. She says everything is fine, and she keeps apologizing for being "shitty". I just want to get through to her, know what happened, and get back to normal. For now, I'm waiting. I'm giving her space until we hang out this upcoming week. She said Brogin and I could come over for the fourth and have a sleepover. But Brogin's in Cali, so it's just the two of us. Hopefully we can bond again like we use to and we can go back to normal.(:
That's the other thing.
Brogin's in California for a week or so. And Ken is either still in Eugene, or is at home not wanting to hang out.
Ryan is at Lincoln City having fun at the beach, Brittany is in Cali, Steve is somewhere around these parts, but God only knows where, Mackenzie is busy again, and Sarah probably is too. So, for a while, I'm even MORE alone than I already was to begin with... Lovely.
Wish me luck...
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