♥ Sceneee. ♥

Okay. Seriously. I am SO excited.
Been looking at Hot Topic shit. I WANT THESE SO BAD.
http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/wishlist/My-WishList.jsp

And I'm dying my hair tomorrow! Gonna go blonde. Bleaching my hair before getting the colors. Thennnn I'm gonna go blue on top, red on bottom, with coontails on part of the red.

I AM SO EXCITED.

I cannot WAIT to be a scenester. I can't even explain it.

I'm Learning

I'm learning that love is a mysterious thing and that it can get very confusing and very difficult...

I'm learning that there's always more to learn.

I'm learning that sometimes, things happen, and you can't explain how or why they occurred, but that they did for a specific reason.

I'm learning that, even though you choose your own path in life, sometimes things can get in the way of your decisions, and can shake things up... whether it be in a good, or bad way.

I'm learning that TRUE love never dies. Just like true friends stay by your side. Both are permanent, if they are TRUE.

I'm learning that the quote, "Not every day is good, but there is something good in every day", is way more valid than I once thought. Enjoy the big things, but don't forget about the little things.

I'm learning that everything you do, influences your next actions, in turn, influencing your future.

I'm learning that, your knowledge about the world is more important and can get you further than your knowledge in school. Some may disagree with me. But let me back up my point.
Someone who earns straight A's in school, can graduate and become a very successful person. But someone who drops out of school and knows more about the world and how to survive in it, can be just as successful. Sometimes, it honestly does not matter if you know all the formulas, theories, patterns, and mathematics... It does not make you any less of a person.

I'm learning that everyone has something to bring to this world, and that every human being should be valued. Whether you like that person or not, they have something special about them that can benefit the world. Here's something for everyone to learn: it's called RESPECT. You don't have to LIKE them to know that they can make a difference just as much as you can.

I'm learning that everyone makes mistakes, and that it is necessary. Every experience you encounter will benefit your future and who you become. So don't dwell on the mistakes that you made, be grateful that you made them, and learn from them... Learn how to change and how to be a better person.

I'm learning that... well, SHIT HAPPENS. Because shit DOES happen, but life goes on... It's all about learning how to cope with the shit that life throws at you. I like to think of it as a strategic game... You play your cards right, and you make it out alive.

"I believe that EVERYTHING happens for a REASON. People CHANGE so you can learn to LET GO. Things go WRONG so you can appreciate them when they're RIGHT. Good things FALL APART so that better things can FALL TOGETHER."

Now That It's Over.

Time to fucking MOVE on.
God dammit.
I'm done with people.
Kay?

No more trusting ANYONE I don't know for a fact I can trust.
I'm down to 6 people I KNOW I can trust.

From now on, I'm following my mom's view on humans.
Trust few, and keep them close.
Be nice to everyone else. But don't give them the gratification of being able to break you.

So, I'm remaining cautious around those I'm unsure about.
But hey, good news is, I found my true friends. I know who will stick by me through everything.
They are keepers. The ones I'm never getting rid of.
 Because they love me as I am, accept me and care about me.


The ones who will be here by me until the end. I can't explain how much I love them. They all mean the WORLD to me.

Time to enjoy my life with those around me who matter.

My mom's getting married tomorrow. Then they're going on their honeymoon to celebrate their new life together.
While they're doing that, me and my closest friends are gonna be celebrating our new life together.

I think it's about time my REAL summer started. <3

Say What You Need To Say

I'm done letting people attack me.

I'm not a punching bag.

You fuckers need to find another hobby.

I'm strong on the inside and outside.

I'm more bold than most. If I need to say or do something, I will.

Especially when I'm being STALKED by someone who hates my guts. That's RIDICULOUS. It's time I step up.
You want to pick a fight with me? Bitch.. Good luck. I'm not backing down to you.

Okay Bitch.

That. Is. It.
I'm done with your shit.
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO YOU.
Why do you fucking hate me so goddamn much?
Oh, I "stole" your friends?
DUDE. Reality check. They were starting to drift away from you before I even showed up.


YOU NEED TO REALIZE THIS.
I. Didn't. Do. Shit. To. You.
You have no reason to hate me!!
I became best friends with Brogin and Ken. (Tristan and Jane...)
HOW IS THAT BAD?


Also..
You're REALLY gonna call me a whore? SERIOUSLY?
That shit pisses me off. We both know that isn't true AT ALL.
I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF A 5 MONTH RELATIONSHIP.
So... you also say you hate me because I'm bi?
So you're saying me being bi means I'm a whore?
WHATEVER. Get the FUCK over yourself. I'm not a whore!
Plus, remember the party at my house? I WASN'T THE ONE MAKING OUT WITH EVERYONE AND TRYING TO RUIN SOMEONE'S RELATIONSHIP.
So FUCK YOU, BITCH. You were almost the end of me and Ryan. Good thing we're better than you.
You also almost tore apart mine and Brogin's friendship. But it's a damn lucky thing that I figured you planned that shit. And Brogin and I are too close to let that, or anything, come between us.
We're TRUE friends, believe it or not.
Same with Ken and I.


Oh and a couple things:
I didn't invite myself to go to Pride in Bend. The REAL original plan was that Ken, Brogin and I go. Then they saw you needed a ride, so they offered to take you along. Don't fucking lie about shit. God.
Also, if you don't want to hang out with us... or me, or whatever your problem is, then DON'T. You don't HAVE to come if you're just gonna have a horrible time anyway and sit around and be pissed off.
Seriously? You can't even be civil and enjoy your time? Whatever, dude.


Oh, and this part: "  THAT BITCH ISNT EVEN GAY..... Oh im sorry she’s "BI" THAT BITCH HAS A BOYFRIEND, AND HAS NEVER GOTTEN WITH A GIRL." Kay. 1. I don't need to be GAY to go to Pride. I SUPPORT. Even if I was straight.
2. So what if I have a boyfriend? I'm still bi either way.
3. I've never gotten with a girl? WELL NEITHER HAVE YOU!! Hell, I probably got more than you have!
So shut the fuck up and stop complaining that I'm not your perfect human being.

And this: "We had an amazing time, all of us bonded really fast, all sharing the divine hatred for Ruth because she had done the same thing to them someway or another".
Yeah. THAT IS BULLSHIT. I haven't done SHIT to any of them. If you wanna hate me, fine. Hate me. But you better KNOW that you have no god damn liable reason.

You are so chock full of lies that it makes me sick. NOBODY believes half the shit you say anyway. You act like you know how to do EVERYTHING. Like you know EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING. Here's a hint: YOU DON'T. So stop being a smartass, wouldja?
Also, your 20 minute long fucking stories. Knock that shit off. Nobody wants to hear EVERY detail of what you're talking about. If you want to tell us something, awesome. But don't waste a half hour telling us EVERYTHING and making us uninterested.
Just some advice.

God. You just crossed so many fucking lines with that post you made. I didn't do ANYTHING. I just LIVE my life. Try to make it through okay. I gain friends who mean everything to me and all of a sudden you hate my guts. You don't know SHIT about me, so stop judging and get off your high horse. Because I didn't do anything wrong. YOU DID.

And by the way, thanks for all the pain you caused me. You don't even know how much I've been BAWLING because of your ass. Realizing how DEAD alone I am in this world. With only few by my side who actually love me. You know nothing. You're wrong. You're a liar. You're a heartless fucking BITCH. That's the damn truth. Get a life. Learn how to take better care of yourself, your surroundings, and those around you. Then maybe you'll go somewhere.
Because of you, I blew up on one of my best friends because YOU lied about her. Saying she was part of this shit. When she wasn't. She had nothing to do with it. And I almost lost her because you don't know how to shut your mouth.
So much drama that YOU fucking caused drove me into my worst states.
When all I can think about is how much people hate me and how I think I'm the worst human alive because you FUCKERS let me think that. But just when I thought I could go end it all, guess who saved me?
Those two best friends who you hate me for having.
How does that make you feel? That if I didn't have Ken and Brogin, I'd be DEAD right now?

Does that make you want to change your act? Because that's not an over exaggeration. It's not a lie.
It's the 100% honest TRUTH.
Think about shit before you do it next time. Because you're fucking asking for trouble.
Please just stop with this shit and move on. If you don't like me, FINE. But STOP trying to cause issues!!

Memories Are Flooding In

All these flash images of all this bad shit that's happened.
I'm getting angrier and angrier and sadder and sadder.

But I refuse to give in to this shit. I'm stronger than this.

And no matter WHAT. I have my friends and I have Ryan.

At Least I Have Them

They're all I need.
They're my true friends.
They're my family.
They love me and care about me.

I know I'll have them til the day I die, no matter what happens. I love you guys.
<3

No matter what comes into my life. Or yours. I'm always here for you, just like you're always here for me. Fuck everything else, right?

You guys are the best.

All I've Ever Wanted Was To Be Accepted And Loved For Who I Was

What do I have to do to get that?
What do I have to do to be accepted by those around me?
What do I have to do to be loved and cared about?
What do I have to do to be a good person?

Because apparently I'm just a piece of shit human being now...
People who DO love me:
Ryan
Sarah
Ken
Brogin
Stuart
Brittany
Steve

That's it... Everyone else sees all the bad. Nobody is willing to get to know me..
Everyone wants to jump to conclusions about me being a terrible person...

What happened...?

Can I have my life back, please...?

This Is Exactly What I Needed... Thanks...

It's been 7 weeks since my last cut.
I want to relapse.
So bad.
My wrists and my legs are pulsating like they do when I need to break skin.

Ken wants me to come over so she knows I'm safe and that I can go to sleep okay, but it's 2:40am and mom and John are fighting... I don't know when I'd be able to leave...
I'm so grateful to have Ken and Brogin... They both actually CARE about me... I've NEVER met such true friends as them. EVER. They care about me more than anyone else I know, except maybe Ryan.
They take care of me emotionally... as if we're family. I mean... We're all we have...
They enjoy being around me.. even when I'm pissed or depressed. They WANT to be around me. Unlike all my other friends who get annoyed or want to leave. They WANT to make sure I'm okay. And even when I'm down, they want to cheer me up and they do everything they can. I have never been so lucky to have someone in my life.

I've been listening to Breathe Carolina like a bitch recently. I've grown to LOVE LOVE LOVE them. They've been getting me through a lot of shit since summer started.
They're the reason I'm not cutting right now... Them, and Ken. She asked me to not.. So I'll try my hardest to stay away from my razors...

What do I do now?
Prepare.
Like my friend's band name...
Prepare For Impact.
That's what I have to do.
Because I DOUBT things are gonna get much easier from here.

Get ready, Lindsey... Because you're about to be hit by a shit storm. But as long as you have Ryan, Brogin, Ken, and Stuart... You're make it through. I promise. <3

Crying... For Several Reasons

Reasons:

1. I don't know who I can trust anymore... Everyone has just come into my life to hurt me.
2. I'm frustrated beyond belief, which is, in turn, making me stressed out to the point where I'm sick to my stomach.
3. I realized how alone I TRULY am.
4. This is repeat of what happened to me in Scio.. And Oregon City.. I hope this doesn't continue.
5. I'm honestly scared and worried about what's gonna happen next...
6. This is making me CRAVE talking to my father... He would understand so much better than my mom did.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. But apparently it's a lot. So much is changing... What do I do?
Someone please... Help me.

THAT FUCKING MOMENT

Part of me is laughing my ass off.
Part of me is hurt and is crying.
But MOST of me is pissed beyond all belief and wants to kick some ass.
There's a reason I have trust issues.

There's also a reason I'm done trusting everyone now.
People come into my life, they get to know me, they hurt me, they leave.
People are just chaotic to my life.
IT'S NO WONDER MY MOM IS ANTI SOCIAL.

PEOPLE FUCKING SUCK.
So done.

Ken. Brogin. Sarah. Ryan. Stuart. I'm sticking to you guys. <3
The people I KNOW for a FACT love me and care about me. You're all I need.

GONNA DYE MY HAIR AGAIN!!!

Ahhhh I'm SO excited!! <3

I thought I was going scenester BEFORE.
You know, when I got my coontails in my bangs. Yeah, no.
Now, I am so stoked!

I can't even handle it.
I asked my mom, thinking she would shoot my down immediately.
Nope. She said as long as I get a job first, I can dye my hair.
Awesome!! I'm SO happy. I can't wait!

Here's what I'm gonna do:
With Directions hair dye.
I'm gonna dye the top of my hair bright blue.
That will fade into red on bottom.
Which will go into the black shadowbox I also need to re-dye.
I'm gonna bleach my hair blonde before all of this.
I have to bleach my coontails twice to get the black out.
Once I'm blonde, I'll add the color. After the blue, red and black is in, I'm gonna put coontails in the red on bottom.

Yep. It's gonna be intense. And I'm so excited. Scenester, here I come! <3 After I have hot hair, I have to get my hot body. Then, my goal is reached. I. Am. So. EXCITED.

Feel The Beat

Whether in town or at home.
Music blaring through my headphones.
The sound in my ears.
Lost in thought.

The lyrics tell my story.
The beat comes from my heart.
The deep part of me comes out and makes itself known.
In that moment, I'm in my own world.
I can zone out and become one with what I know. Music.

The song means something to me. It always does.
Imagining, hymning, mouthing, or singing the words.
Getting my feelings out in the language that everyone understands.
As the bass pounds, I can translate every note from every instrument into something I can feel.
I relate to it all. The emotion behind each beat, and each word.
The mood can change mine. It can alter my views on situations or the world in general.

I'll never get use to it.
Music is my life.
It always has been and always will be.
Every day, I feel the same powerful force of emotion brought into my heart from the familiar songs I face myself with each day.
It's what I know. It's what I feel. It's how I learn to live a better, stable life.

Music is everything to me. And that's never going to change.

Mom's Getting Married Saturday

Well... It's very NOT formal... But it'll be legit.
Biker wedding. We ride to the location on Harleys, watch the short wedding that contains like 15 people.
Then we head back to the bar and have a party there. At least until I get kicked out at 9 and they have their legit party while I sit at home or go somewhere else. haha.
Should be fun.
Then they leave for their honeymoon and I'm at home for 5-6 days by myself.
Awesome.

Mr. Price Is Back!!

You're all going to judge me.
And if that's your first response, then fuck off.
Because you don't know shit about mine and his relationship.
First off, since it sounds bad, let me clear this up.
Mr. Price became like a father to me by the end of Freshman year.
Third trimester, I went and apologized to him for being a shitty student while my life was really bad.
He forgave me and offered to talk to me and try to help me out.
So in third tri, I skipped 5th period, (which was only art) everyday to go see him and hang out in his class with Mckenzie and sometimes Sarah. We would just talk about life and random shit.
Every now and then, when shit was really bad, I would start crying or something and I would tell him about it. Usually it was my home situation. And he gave me all the advice he could. In all actuality, he helped me a lot. I told him about my suicide attempts and how I wanted to again. He did a lot to help me out of that, and it worked. I eventually ended up showing him this skit, which means a lot to me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA

We became really close, and then he had to leave.
He moved to Muscat, Oman to teach over there.
On the last day, I asked him if I could go with him. Because my life at home and in Sisters in general, was so shitty that I wanted to leave. He looked me in the eye and said "Honestly, Lindsey... If I had the money to take you with me, I would. You're like a daughter to me."
We had to say goodbye and I cried so much.

And he's been gone since.
Haven't seen him since.
I talk to him on facebook and stuff. But he was gone my whole Sophomore year.
Now it's summer going into Junior year and all of a sudden he's back.
I don't know if he's just visiting or if he's here for summer. All I know is I need to see him. BADLY.
I miss him so much.

Some people think I'm insane. But I don't care. He means a lot to me and I want to see him again.

People Keep Asking

Are Ken and I dating?
No.
Reasons why?
I have a boyfriend. And I doubt Ryan would want me to have a girlfriend while I'm dating him.
Also, I highly doubt Ken would ever date me anyway.

Yes, we have kissed/made out before.
Do I have feelings for her?
Honestly, I don't even know..
Like, sometimes I do and sometimes it's just as friends.
But like I said, she'd never go for me anyway.

Every time I'm with Ken, SOMEONE tells us we're cute or that we should date or something like that.
She and I have a lot in common. I mean honestly, if you get to know us and hear us talk sometimes, we have like EVERYTHING in common. Pretty much the EXACT same music taste. We're both deep and emotional people who just want to live life happily and to the fullest.
We care about our friends more than pretty much anything else. We listen to music more than normal people do, because it means more to us that it does to normal people. We're just different.
There's so much to Ken that I understand more than other people do.
Sometimes we can get into deep conversations and we can agree with everything the other person says. We have very similar views and everything.

So it's understandable that people would think we were dating or would want us to.
But we aren't. For the reasons I stated above.
Plus, my mom doesn't know I'm bi. And I don't really want to tell her.. I don't know how she'd react.
Sooo... Here we are. Nobody knows what to do from here.

One Thing I'd Like To Say:

You guys are hilarious.
Those people that talk shit behind my back and think I won't find out.
It literally makes me laugh.
If you're friends with my friends.. and then talk to THEM about me, they're gonna tell me.
They're not dumbass backstabbers. Unlike you, they don't pretend to enjoy hanging out with me. They actually DO.
Soo, thanks.(: Because I really don't even care if you don't like me. haha!
All I need are my TRUE close friends and Ryan.(: <3

I Never Got That "Holy Shit, It's Summer" Feeling.

BUT DUDE.
This summer has been AMAZING so far.
Yeah.. it's been kinda chaotic too. With how much Ryan and I were fighting.
We almost broke up. Twice.
And to be blunt, he was being a complete and utter jackass for about a month.
BUT. Through all that shit I was put through, and how badly I thought we were over... we made it through.
We're back to normal, in fact. As if it never happened.
Minus a few moments every now and then when it hits us again and we both realize what happened.
Eh. Whatever. We're a-okay.(:
Anyway.

WOW. Did summer surprise the hell out of me? YES.
Well first off, I spent just about every single day with Brogin and Ken. Literally, there were only 2 days when I didn't hang out with them.
And now that I think about it, I think I saw Ken after I was done cleaning the house... AND I saw them after I hung out with Sarah.. DAMN. So it HAS been every day!

My summer so far: (basically, anyway)

• We went to Bend Pride.
• Brogin got himself and incredible boyfriend who we all adore.
• We've been partying it up, enjoying summer. Those are good days.(:
• Sleeping under the stars.
• We made a fire and enjoyed some smores.(:
• Lots of Breathe Carolina, and just music in general.
• Otter pops make every day actually feel like summer.
• Movie nights with friends. And cuddling with Ken. (Ohmygod, am I rapping again! hahaha!)
• We went to Gay Pride in Portland, too! Ryan and I went together and met up with Brogin, Ken and Ashlee. It was AMAZING. I got upset because I couldn't see my brothers, but all in all, it was a damn good day.(:
• I cried a little in the car ride TO Portland... Because it was what I wanted. A road trip through nature. We took a scenic route and it was BEAUTIFUL.
• Ryan showed me the house he's gonna move into.
• I got to practice dance for a while, until I got a headache from dehydration. (I'm a forgetful person. :p)
• Today is Ryan's and my 5 month anniversary. <3

So.. Summer has been spectacular!! And I can't wait to continue it./

Oh, and on another note:
I haven't cut myself in 7 weeks. <3

Off To A Rough Start, But I'm Gonna Make This The Best Summer It Can Be

This summer will be incredible.
Fuck what other people think, say, or do.
Nobody can stop me from living my life and having fun.
I'm so done with this depression shit. I'm stronger than it. And I will surpass it all.
I don't need meds. I don't need anything but my friends, my family, and a good time.
I have the heat, the sun, music, my best friends, my boyfriend, camping trips, road trips, family, art... What else do I need to inspire me to live this summer to the fullest?

It's gonna be amazing. Sure, there will be bumps along the way, but none of that is gonna get in my way.
I made a promise to myself, my boyfriend, and my friends that this summer will be a summer to remember. <3

RAINBOW (Pride!!)

Gay Pride was SO much fun. Honestly, I could have stayed there for so long. I have always liked gay people, but now, I adore them. They are just the sweetest, kindest people.

We had a small adventure in WallyWorld beforehand.(:
Got some face paint and went to the Old Mill. Once our faces were painted, we headed to the pride festival.

We chilled, ate hot cheetos and listened to Ken play guitar. Then walked around to the stands, got a shit ton of stickers and then met up with Stuart. (Brogin's new boyfriend!)
We hung out, ate some food, relaxed and just had a good time.
It was awesome talking to some of the people.
Listening to the live music that was playing and just observing our surroundings.

Everyone there was so welcoming. Absolutely NO judgement was placed on anyone. It was amazing.
Everyone was so confident in who they were.. Even I wasn't self conscious or anything like I normally am.

All in all, it was a great experience and I absolutely cannot wait for the Portland Pride Parade!!

Today was a mix between a really good day and the worst day of my life.

I don't want to go into detail... But Ryan and I have never been closer to breaking up than tonight..

And I pray to God that we never go back there again.

Stuart's been giving me advice.. and even though we make fun of him for being so therapeutic, it really is helpful... He's such an incredible guy. I'm so happy him and Brogin found each other.

Anyway... Ryan and I hit a really bad spot in our relationship, but he's confident we can make it out okay. Sarah told me that she believes we can make it through anything, so I should keep pushing through this. And that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna live this out until whatever is meant to happen, happens,

I Knew It Was Too Good To Be True...

It's always too good to be true.
Nobody ever stays in love with me.
They are for a while, and then something happens.

I seriously thought Ryan and I would get married. I seriously thought that we could live together for the rest of our lives and be happy...
Now I'm not sure...

He fell out of love with me.. What am I suppose to do about that? How can I get him to fall back in love with me?
Tasha says we might have to break up... In order for him to remember his love for me and we can make everything go back to how it was...
But I don't want that to happen...
I just want Ryan to fall back in love with me and STAY in love with me...

God.. And I can just picture his mom reading this saying "I told you so.. High school relationships never work."
GOD. I can't handle this.
I'm already bawling! WHY DO THEY HAVE TO BE AGAINST US? Ryan tells me just about everything they say that has to do with me... I love that MY parents are excited for us and accept Ryan, but his parents are the opposite...
I just don't get it.
WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME?
Do I really come off as such a horrible fucking person?

I'm sorry I'm not a Class A, perfect human being. I'm sorry I'm not Angela! I'm sorry I KNOW I'm not fucking good enough for Ryan.
It isn't MY fault he fell in love with me! I didn't do anything to make that happen...
But hey.. Now he's out of that... Who knows what will happen now? I guess his parents will get what they wanted...

I know I'm probably gonna get in deeper shit by posting some of my true feelings... His mom will read it and will probably just hate me more..
But I don't even think I care anymore.. My life is just going straight down back into that hellhole I'm so use to...

At least I have Sarah, Brogin and Ken...
But seriously.. Sometimes they aren't gonna be enough...
I'm sorry I'm so weak.. I'm sorry I've lived through HELL and it's damaged me.

But please don't act like you know me..
Don't pretend you know how I feel.
You don't know how I feel.
Nobody does.
Except me.

I don't think I've ever felt my heart break before... Until now.

Butterfly.

I had a super small anxiety attack in Bio today. So I drew a butterfly on my wrist and named it after the first 4 people I could think of: Ken, Brogin, Steven and Brittany.
(For those of you who don't know... the butterfly is for The Butterfly Project for people like me, who cut. The butterfly is named after someone you care about. It's suppose to be a reminder that people love you and care about you. That way you don't cut yourself.)

Let me just say something about these 4.
They mean the world to me.
I love them so much, it's nearly impossible to explain.

I know I talk about how they mean a bunch to me, simply because of who they are.
But it's not just that.
Yeah. They are hilarious, genuinely nice, caring, crazy, and all that good shit.

But even when they ask me to hang out. It makes me happy because it's proof that they actually enjoy my presence. They aren't lying like so many other people do. They actually want to be around me. They actually DO love me like they say. <3

Also, I trust them with my life. And I mean that literally.

Reasons:
Brogin. When I was gonna go cut myself, Brogin was yelling at everyone to go stop me. He hangs out with me all the time and lets me that he values our friendship. Even at school sometimes he's give me a look of understanding when I'm having a bad day and he keeps people off my back. I know I can talk to him about anything and that's really relieving to me. He's such an amazing person, honestly. I see so much in the kid. He can bring a smile to my face no matter WHAT is happening in my life. He lets me know that he cares about me and loves me every time I'm around him.
Ken. Whenever I get upset, Ken will ask me what's going on. Sometimes in a bitchy, sarcastic way, but I know she actually cares. She hangs out with me almost as much as Brogin does, since the three of us are pretty inseparable sometimes. Sometimes throughout the day, she'll randomly come up and hug me or grab my hand or something. Sometimes simply because that's who she is, and sometimes to show me she loves me. I know I can tell her anything, but sometimes it's hard to open up to her because she never opens up to me. So it tends to feel like I'm just annoying her, even though I know it doesn't bother her.
Both Brogin and Ken are constantly keeping up on how I'm feeling and they comfort me and make me feel loved and cared for 24/7.
Brittany. She is always talking to me. Whether we're texting, on the phone, or in person. We're here for each other because we both struggle with hardcore depression and anxiety. We understand each other so well. And no matter what, we can always end up making each other smile and laugh. She's ran to my house or wherever I was at before when she needed help AND when I needed help. And I've done the same. I KNOW she'd do anything for me, just like I'd do anything for her, Ken or Brogin. And Steve.
Steven. Well... he was my first love. And I still love him.. I'm not still IN love with him, but I still love him dearly. He cares about me and comforts me just like everyone else does. It's usually only when we're alone that he can express that. But he's been here for me ever since I met him. He's one of my best friends. And I know I'm safe with him. Any time we hang out, he ALWAYS walks me home. No matter who we're with. HE walks me home. He keeps by my side at all times. If we're in a bad situation, he's gotten in front of me before to protect me from ANYTHING. And after he came over and we laid on the couch together and talked for an hour, I felt even more comfortable around him. I can connect with him on more levels than I thought. And every time he hugs me, he squeezes me tight at least once to show me that he cares.

Right now, Brogin and Ken are all I can count on.

Everyone else is flaking.
EVERYONE.
Sarah's got WAY too much on her plate, so I don't want to talk to her about anything... Literally.. Just about ANYTHING. Even when we talk about the random bullshit, it seems she could be doing something more productive than wasting time around me.

Mackenzie and I are good, but same thing as Sarah.. She's got enough going on.

Ashlee and Loginn aren't exactly some of my "true" friends... We can hang out and stuff... But they tend to irritate me.

Hailey and Tessa I'm not incredibly great friends with.

I'm too scared to talk to Evan anymore... He'd probably just blow me off or not listen... or care.. I don't know.

Jake is almost ALWAYS too busy, though I am going to talk to him later today.

Ryan... Well... It seems he's stopped caring all together.... I know he's gonna read this later and we're gonna talk about it, but he left school 2(?) weeks before us. And ever since, he's been talking to me less.. He's had troubles really LISTENING to me when I talk. He gets angry really fast. He's defensive as shit. And he hasn't even TRIED to come see me at all except for when he happened to be at school to finish his guitar... I don't know... He just doesn't really put in any effort anymore...

Babe... I love you. But lately it seems like you don't love me anymore... Even Brogin has noticed and agrees that you've been weird recently...


Brittany is still here, so that's good. I still have her.

Steven is still here.

And I've gained Bert. Me and her have become closer.

But it's mainly just Brogin and Ken. We hang out almost DAILY and I trust them both with my life.

Oh, and on another note.. I'm a week late on my period... Brogin googled it, though. And sometimes it's natural to go up to a month late due to stress. And BOY have I been stressed recently.. So I'm like 95% sure that's all it is.

Well, summer officially starts tomorrow after school. <3

Used To - Chris Daughtry... So Relevant, It's Sad.

You used to talk to me like
I was the only one around.
You used to lean on me like
The only other choice was falling down.
You used to walk with me like
We had nowhere we needed to go,
Nice and slow, to no place in particular.

We used to have this figured out;
We used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there's you, and at least there's me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be?

I used to reach for you when
I got lost along the way.
I used to listen.
You always had just the right thing to say.
I used to follow you.
Never really cared where we would go,
Fast or slow, to anywhere at all.

We used to have this figured out;
We used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there's you, and at least there's me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be?

I look around me,
And I want you to be there
'Cause I miss the things that we shared.
Look around you.
It's empty, and you're sad
'Cause you miss the love that we had.

You used to talk to me like
I was the only one around,
The only one around.

We used to have this figured out;
We used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there's you, and at least there's me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be? Yeah.
To how it used to be.
To how it used to be, yeah.
To how it used to be.
To how it used to be.