Last night. (about half of what happened)

I'm gonna take a second to remind everyone that yesterday was mine and Ryan's 8 month anniversary.
It started off as a bad day in general. My phone's bill didn't get paid, so it wasn't working. My classes made me feel like shit. And I felt like an outsider even when I was with Brogin and Ken... I felt as though they were annoyed with me, or angry with me... I don't know. It just sucked.
Then nighttime came, and Ryan and I were fighting.
I was depressed as SHIT and I was crying. I was BEGGING Ryan to help me feel better, but he wouldn't even try. He just kept repeating "I love you." and he sincerely thought that would fix everything. Well, it didn't. I was being consumed by Depression, and attacked by anxiety from all sides.
Sarah started talking to Ryan too, and then he started yelling at both of us.
I hate being yelled at... It makes me so sad, ESPECIALLY from him. It became too much... The pain was overwhelming and my heart was racing. Without even thinking, I went to the drawer where I keep my razor, and before I knew it, my 19 weeks being clean from cutting were gone. Just like that. Gone.
I have never felt like such a failure... and that made me cut more...
I go back and try talking to Ryan, but he's still yelling, and then my stomach decided it had had enough too, and I turned over and threw up.
He admitted that he doesn't care about me as much as he use to.
A few minutes later, mom comes in. Oh, shit. It was 10:45pm. I was suppose to be in bed by 10. But I was online.
She yells at me to get offline.
I quietly beg her to let me stay on, since the next morning was a late start, and I needed to fix what was going on with Ryan.
She said no. I started getting teary and asked again, telling her that it felt like Ryan and I were gonna break up... Her response: "You've been close to breaking up before, what makes this any different? Get offline!"
Now John's yelling. "LINDSEY, ENOUGH! You're making excuses! If you argue one more time, you're grounded!"
Out came the emotions that had been bottled up for so long. I lost it. I started crying so hard I was gasping for air and everything that came out were screams.
Since I had no choice, I ended the conversation with Ryan right as he decided to start taking shots.
I threw the laptop at my mom, and curled up in a ball, crying, trying to ignore her.
She wasn't taking it, and she came in and asked me what was going on. I told her I didn't want to talk to HER about it. She got mad, but I told her I wasn't just crying over Ryan, it was over a shit ton of stuff. What I have to put up with at school, and the shit I get from them too. I straight up told her that her and John put me through so much pain... And she didn't believe it. She pulled the "We're adults, only we feel pain. You're a teenager. You don't know what pain is. Compared to other people, you have it nice." YEAH WELL IT'S STILL FUCKING BAD WHAT I HAVE.
She also said Ryan and I can't be in love because we're not married.
UHM, EXCUSE ME. I've been with Ryan longer than you've KNOWN John.
She got mad at me for missing Ryan. He's been gone for almost 2 months. When John left for A WEEK, you were on the couch crying every night like a hopeless little puppy.To summarize, this is how our conversation went:

• "You're the reason everyone hates you. It's your fault. People aren't rude for no reason. That never happens. You obviously did something wrong."
• "You got one f last year. You're never gonna get an a. You're always gonna be a failure."
• "We're perfect parents. You're over reacting. You shouldn't feel any pain."
• "Ryan's an asshole and since you're fighting, your relationship isn't gonna last and you should break up with him."
  Me: "YOU GUYS FIGHT ALL THE TIME. YOU FOUGHT YESTERDAY!!" (and later last night, but I didn't know that was gonna happen.
  Her: "We're married. It's different!" 
• John: "You're making excuses to be sad! YOU WANT TO BE SAD AND CRY, so you're making up bullshit stories. None of that is true."
• "School isn't that bad. You're over reacting. School sucks, but you can't get sad!"
  Me: "But it still hurts when I'm being HARRASSED!"
  Them: "Of course it does. But you're not allowed to cry!"
• "You're never allowed to be sad or cry because that's you being pathetic."
• "We're of course going to get mad at you, but you have no right to get upset about it, no matter what other pain you're in."

Literally what they were saying last night. Then they got mad at me for not being asleep. Excuse me, but it's hard to even TRY when you're yelling at me while I'm crying hysterically.
So I yelled at them and said "GET OUT OF MY ROOM THEN! If you want me to sleep, GET THE FUCK OUT AND LEAVE ME ALONE!"
So they did, and John's last statement was, "If you're gonna keep crying, BE QUIET ABOUT IT and don't keep us up all night!" 

I cut a little more, and then cried myself to sleep.

Old Photography!

Here are some of my best pictures from when I was little and I did photography. These are so old and I just found them. I'm very proud of these, and here are the best ones!
They aren't ALL in order, but I'm sure you can figure out which ones I took at the same time.

I Say This Every Year, But This Year I'm Dead Set On It

This year,

• I'm gonna get good grades. 
• I'm gonna get my permit/license/car.
• I'm gonna stand up for myself and not take anyone's shit anymore.
• I'm gonna be more confident in who I am.
• I'm gonna start working out more so I can reach my goal of how much weight I wanna lose and how much muscle I wanna gain.
• I'm gonna try to make amends.

Also, is it weird that I kinda want to be a cheerleader? o.O

Dissect The Music, You'll Be Okay

At least Sarah understands. <3 Take the song apart, and put it back together again.

Feel the music.

Listen to the lyrics. Apply them like they're coming from your own mouth. Or you're best friend's.

Focus. Guitar chords, drum beats... the way the voice strains or relaxes.

The note change in every instrument, voice, guitar, piano, violins, bass... Every instrument involved.

Pay attention to the drummer. He's one of the most important parts of the music. Listen to how the bass hits at every perfect moment to make you FEEL something. Pay attention to which part is being hit, and think of speeds.

Hear the emotion behind every word sung. The way it's sung is important to how the message comes through.

Or the air intake between phrases. Or the way the words trail off with a heavy breath at the end.

Notice all rhythms, and how perfectly they combine. 

Hear the harmonies when more than one voice is singing.

Think of the story behind the song. Think of YOUR story behind the song... How different or similar they are.

Remember the song wasn't just written for the artist.. It was written for you too. They understand how you feel.. They're here for you. You're NEVER alone.

I Can't Remember The Last Time I Got A Full Night's Sleep

"Oh, can you tell I haven't slept very well since the last time that we spoke?" - Mayday Parade (Stay)

God. So relevant... I seriously haven't gotten any peaceful sleep since Ryan's left for college..
I'm either:
a) Waking up all throughout the night.
b) Waking up late, and still being tired all day as if I got no sleep.
or
c) Sleeping all through the night, but having nightmares that wake me up, making me exhausted...

I miss him. I never dreamt anything bad when he was around me... I was always comfortable... and safe...
I don't know how to feel like I did when he lived here... How happy and normal I felt.
Everything is just off now.
I can't sleep. The only time I can smile and actually be happy is when I'm with my friends... But then I come home, and the loneliness creeps back into my heart and I feel hopeless.

I need him. I need him to wrap his arms around me and protect me.. Tell me that he loves me and that it'll all be okay.

Everywhere I go, I see trucks that look exactly like his, and I think he's home.. But he's not.
I pass buildings and think he's in there. That I'll receive a text from him any second saying "I see you", like last time... But I don't.
Every time I go around a corner, I think he'll be there to scare me. But he never is.

Whenever I get cold, I remember how I cuddled up with Ryan, but nobody's ever there to keep me warm.

The creek has an emptiness about it now... When I go there, I wonder why I'm there, because he won't be there waiting for me. I can't text him and have him meet me there like before. I can't see him.
Drew's gone. Isaiah almost never talks to me anymore, unless we meet up with Brittany and Nick for a little bit. The only reason I still go to the creek anymore is if I'm with Brittany, Nick, or Steve... Because, before Ryan, that was OUR hang out. That was where we had so many memories of last summer...
Now, it's tainted with memories of me, Ryan, Drew, and Isaiah. It hurts... Because they're all either gone, or leaving.
Going back with B, Nick or Steve... is just weird. I still do it.. I just... can't be 100% there.... not since they left.
But then again.. I can't be 100% anywhere when Ryan's gone..

Well... here's to another sleepless night alone.

Therapy

This song... Now I get why it's gotten Sarah through so much.

Here's the amazing speech from Alex. <3

Here's the song... <3

Three Days Grace is back on.

<3 Ohmygod. I wish I payed more attention. They have new songs. Adam has new songs. <3

Songs I Want At My Wedding!!

Hero - Enrique Iglesias

Live Forever - Matt Morris

You'll Be In My Heart - Phil Collins

Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

Strangers Like Me - Phil Collins

Higher - Creed

With Arms Wide Open - Creed

Smile - Uncle Kracker

Follow Me - Uncle Kracker

I Don't Want To Miss A Thing - Aerosmith

Stay - Mayday Parade

There Is - Boxcar Racer

Vanilla Twilight - Owl City

Long Live The Reckless And The Brace - All Time Low

Life Is Going By Too Fast. It Makes Me Sad.

Tonight, I've been thinking about how things have changed. Where we've come, from where we've been.

At first, I was thinking about me, Brogin and Ken. How our friendship grew from nothingness, to what it is today. Pure, REAL friendship. Today proved that we don't have to hang out ALL the time to be best friends. Last time I saw them REALLY proved that, when I saw how happy Brogin was to see me. Ken wasn't in a good mood that day, but today... Was different... And by different, I mean better.
It was like it use to be. The three of us, going to 'Yo Cup', joking and laughing at bullshit, talking and catching up, coming back here, and playing Mario Kart and goofing off on the internet. We were all, basically cudding, on the couch reading and watching funny shit. And it was as always. We had a good time. And that really gave me faith in our friendship and my trust in them.

Then as they left, I went around town, in deep thought about everything. Life. The past 2 years particularly.
I thought about Freshman year. And everything I went through. How my friendships with Steve, Mackenzie, Brogin, and everyone were so different than they are now.
Steve and I were a "thing".
Mackenzie and I were absolute best friends.
Brogin and I barely knew each other.
Scout and I were practically sisters.... God, I miss that... I hope I can get that back one day.
Ken and I didn't even really know each other existed.

This is how things have changed.
But not just that. I mean, Freshman year, Ryan caught a glimpse of me. I don't know how many times he noticed me, I just know of one. It's crazy to think he knew of me back then, when I didn't know of him.
Then I think of Sophomore year. Early first tri, when I joined Radio. I met him, fell HARD in love, and thought I was invisible to not only him, but everyone... Everyone except teachers and my few friends... Sometimes they were my only reminders that I was real. That I actually existed.

I walked around, listening to music everywhere I went, as I always do, thinking that nobody could see me. I was just in my own world. Until every now and then, I would see Ryan... Or I would catch him looking at me. I had no idea what to do. I was a lost little girl with no hope, and no chance with someone like him. I knew it. But I couldn't help it. We had a connection. Something about him was drawing me to him more and more every day. I just wanted to be around him.. And I did all I could to be around him as much as possible. Except for when my dark side hit and I didn't DARE let him see that... So I found excuses to avoid him... As much as I could anyway. When I was in class, I didn't have much of a choice but to choke it back and hope he didn't notice. But he saw right through my mask... Because he has one just like it.

That was the beginning. The beginning of something I thought was impossible... and improbable.
But it happened.
He fell in love with me too.
From there, everything changed. I was no longer the hopeless girl, going everywhere with fresh love for a boy on my mind. Now, I was a very hopeful girl, going everywhere with love for a boy that had finally broken in.
We went from friends to dating in a time span of 3 days. 3 very awkward, amazing, REAL days.

Now look at us.

I remember before we were dating, when he gave me a ride home from the volleyball playoffs... That was the first time I had seen his little red car, that I had no idea I would eventually grow to love..

We had so many memories that I can recall simply from thinking of the car.
Then he graduated. That's when the little car full of memories went away...
Then we hit that rough patch in our relationship. About a month straight of fighting and ignoring.
That was when he got his truck. And I remember the first day I sat in that truck with him, fixing everything that had been broken during that month.
After that, he got his house in town, and it was the best thing that ever happened to our relationship. Though it was a short time.

I think of all that, and it makes me realize how fast life is moving. How things are passing by every day.. I mean, Ryan's in college now...
SO much has changed, and the more I think about it... It's really sad. Sometimes, I wish we could go back to how things were. When everything was fresh and new...
But now, everyone is so use to everything. And it's saddening... but at the same time, comforting.

I don't know. But sometimes, I REALLY wish I had a remote. And could rewing, pause, and fast forward time.

I'm Ready

• to be done with school.
• to stop living in darkness.
• to move to California with Ryan.
• to start my life with him and our friends.
• to start working hard on getting better at art and stuff for my future tattooing career.
• to get out of this house.
• to get my relationship with my dad back... despite everything, it's time to move on.
• to stand up for myself now, along with those who matter to me.
• to start being more self-dependent.
• to start being somebody worth while.
• to start having more fun with people who matter to me.
• to start living my life the way it's suppose to be lived.
• to broaden my horizons and be more open-minded.
• to be more fearless and take more chances.
• to stop holding grudges, and make amends.
• to work harder and be more creative.
• to be myself and be proud of who I am. In all aspects. It'll take time, but I'm a junior. This has to happen sooner or later. Rather sooner.
• to stand out and make a statement.
• to work towards my dreams.
• to get over my fears and face them.
• to start proving people wrong about me.
• to move forward.

Yep. I Posted This Recently. Here It Is Again

Coffin - BVB (Black Veil Brides)
Andy Biersack, you are beautiful. <3

Take your crosses
I'll live without them
Standing wet in holy rain.
When you were baptized
Ignored the problem
That's when I watched you seal your grave.

I tried to save you
But let you drink the pain
A final song now we both know.
So I'm not givin' up
Won't let you suffocate me
You find your hell is home.

I don't owe you anything
You'll only die a dream forgotten.
I've got my pride so hear me sing
I'll never let you steal my coffin.

Words as weapons
Pierce into you
So self-righteous, have it your way
I'm alive and now I'm burning
Say a prayer to end today

I tried to save you
But let you drink the pain
A final song now we both know.
So I'm not givin' up
Won't let you suffocate me
You find your hell is home.

I don't owe you anything
You'll only die a dream forgotten.
I've got my pride so hear me sing
I'll never let you steal my coffin.

Never let you steal my after life
Never let you steal my after life

So I'm not givin' up
Won't let you suffocate me
You find your hell is home.

I don't owe you anything
You'll only die a dream forgotten.
I've got my pride so hear me sing
I'll never let you steal my coffin.

I don't owe you anything
You'll only die a dream forgotten.
I've got my pride so hear me sing
I'll never let you steal my coffin.

The Mortician's Daughter

I listened to this after graduation.
I listen to this a lot when I'm sad. Lonely.

I think of Ryan. How no matter what, he's coming home eventually. <3

Sorry, Blog. Lots of Music Coming Your Way. Cry About It.

Another song that's gotten me through hell.
It got me through yesterday. <3

I don't really care if you guys listen to this stuff.. It's more for me.. My whole blog is. It's more for me when I need to write my thoughts down. I don't give two shits who reads this, listens to the music I post, comments or anything really.

So hear my voice, remind you not to bleed.

This song does a lot for me.
It's one that's gotten me through hell.
When my depression was brand new in my life, freshman year.
I just got into BVB and was in my "Emo" stage. (God... Society and their labels...)

If I Could Be Like That...

I'm really good at interpreting songs and making them fit into my life by how I hear them. What they mean to me, could be 100% different to somebody else.

That's the thing I love about music. How easily you can hear it in a different light.. How it could mean to somebody that isn't you.

This song holds a lot of meaning in my heart. It's a childhood song I use to listen to with my mom and dad all the time...
So many memories come from this song.
And even then, it still fits in with my life today on a deeper level.
"He spends his nights in California."
That lyric is relevant to my life currently. And if I kept on with that story, this song wouldn't have any relativity to me until it gets to "She spends her days up in the north park, watching the people as they pass. And all she wants is just a little piece of this dream. Is that too much to ask? With a safe home, and a warm bed. On a quiet little street. All she wants is just that something to hold onto. That's all she needs."
Then it's back on that story.

I know this will be difficult for some people to understand. But it's how my life works when it comes to music.
I interpret each song by line of lyric, and apply each lyric to my life.
Though most songs I listen to, don't need any interpretation and are fairly self-explanatory.


I don't know. Just some thoughts of today.

Not Sure How Long I Can Last Blonde.....

I REALLY wanna dye my hair blue and red already.

My current plan:
I'm gonna bleach my hair again as soon as possible.

See what color that makes the blonde I have now.
Keep that for a while, then go white.
Stay white for a month or two.
Then buy all the hair dye colors I want from Directions.
And go blue and red.
Once all that comes out of my hair, I can keep experimenting with the colors I bought.
After I'm bored with the colors, I'll go back to blonde.

Hopefully I can be patient. I realllyyyy want blue hair.

Coffin

Take your crosses
I'll live without them
Standing wet in holy rain.
When you were baptized
Ignored the problem
That's when I watched you seal your grave.

I tried to save you
But let you drink the pain
A final song now we both know.
So I'm not givin' up
Won't let you suffocate me
You find your hell is home.

I don't owe you anything
You'll only die a dream forgotten.
I've got my pride so hear me sing
I'll never let you steal my coffin.

Words as weapons
Pierce into you
So self-righteous, have it your way
I'm alive and now I'm burning
Say a prayer to end today

I tried to save you
But let you drink the pain
A final song now we both know.
So I'm not givin' up
Won't let you suffocate me
You find your hell is home.

I don't owe you anything
You'll only die a dream forgotten.
I've got my pride so hear me sing
I'll never let you steal my coffin.

Never let you steal my after life
Never let you steal my after life

So I'm not givin' up
Won't let you suffocate me
You find your hell is home.

I don't owe you anything
You'll only die a dream forgotten.
I've got my pride so hear me sing
I'll never let you steal my coffin.

I don't owe you anything
You'll only die a dream forgotten.
I've got my pride so hear me sing
I'll never let you steal my coffin.

Unbroken

Now you're adrift in the sea of lies
A foolish villain in an endless chapter
The demons writhing behind your eyes
A simple shadow
We can fight together

I'll never walk away
Tear down! the walls that will surround
Cry out! Above the burning sound
Show me! How bleeding hearts still pound
If we stand together, we will be unbroken!

We carry forward into the night
The strength of innocence like children's laughter
An army standing for what is right
We'll fall like angels if we lose what matters

I will not walk away
Tear down! the walls that will surround
Cry out! Above the burning sound
Show me! How bleeding hearts still pound
If we stand together, we will be unbroken!

(Woah Woahh...)

We will not walk away
Tear down! the walls that will surround
Cry out! above the burning sound
Show me! how bleeding hearts still pound
If we stand together, we will be unbroken!

Tear down! the walls that will surround
Cry out! above the burning sound
Show me! how bleeding hearts still pound
If we stand together, we will be unbroken!