Last night. (about half of what happened)

I'm gonna take a second to remind everyone that yesterday was mine and Ryan's 8 month anniversary.
It started off as a bad day in general. My phone's bill didn't get paid, so it wasn't working. My classes made me feel like shit. And I felt like an outsider even when I was with Brogin and Ken... I felt as though they were annoyed with me, or angry with me... I don't know. It just sucked.
Then nighttime came, and Ryan and I were fighting.
I was depressed as SHIT and I was crying. I was BEGGING Ryan to help me feel better, but he wouldn't even try. He just kept repeating "I love you." and he sincerely thought that would fix everything. Well, it didn't. I was being consumed by Depression, and attacked by anxiety from all sides.
Sarah started talking to Ryan too, and then he started yelling at both of us.
I hate being yelled at... It makes me so sad, ESPECIALLY from him. It became too much... The pain was overwhelming and my heart was racing. Without even thinking, I went to the drawer where I keep my razor, and before I knew it, my 19 weeks being clean from cutting were gone. Just like that. Gone.
I have never felt like such a failure... and that made me cut more...
I go back and try talking to Ryan, but he's still yelling, and then my stomach decided it had had enough too, and I turned over and threw up.
He admitted that he doesn't care about me as much as he use to.
A few minutes later, mom comes in. Oh, shit. It was 10:45pm. I was suppose to be in bed by 10. But I was online.
She yells at me to get offline.
I quietly beg her to let me stay on, since the next morning was a late start, and I needed to fix what was going on with Ryan.
She said no. I started getting teary and asked again, telling her that it felt like Ryan and I were gonna break up... Her response: "You've been close to breaking up before, what makes this any different? Get offline!"
Now John's yelling. "LINDSEY, ENOUGH! You're making excuses! If you argue one more time, you're grounded!"
Out came the emotions that had been bottled up for so long. I lost it. I started crying so hard I was gasping for air and everything that came out were screams.
Since I had no choice, I ended the conversation with Ryan right as he decided to start taking shots.
I threw the laptop at my mom, and curled up in a ball, crying, trying to ignore her.
She wasn't taking it, and she came in and asked me what was going on. I told her I didn't want to talk to HER about it. She got mad, but I told her I wasn't just crying over Ryan, it was over a shit ton of stuff. What I have to put up with at school, and the shit I get from them too. I straight up told her that her and John put me through so much pain... And she didn't believe it. She pulled the "We're adults, only we feel pain. You're a teenager. You don't know what pain is. Compared to other people, you have it nice." YEAH WELL IT'S STILL FUCKING BAD WHAT I HAVE.
She also said Ryan and I can't be in love because we're not married.
UHM, EXCUSE ME. I've been with Ryan longer than you've KNOWN John.
She got mad at me for missing Ryan. He's been gone for almost 2 months. When John left for A WEEK, you were on the couch crying every night like a hopeless little puppy.To summarize, this is how our conversation went:

• "You're the reason everyone hates you. It's your fault. People aren't rude for no reason. That never happens. You obviously did something wrong."
• "You got one f last year. You're never gonna get an a. You're always gonna be a failure."
• "We're perfect parents. You're over reacting. You shouldn't feel any pain."
• "Ryan's an asshole and since you're fighting, your relationship isn't gonna last and you should break up with him."
  Me: "YOU GUYS FIGHT ALL THE TIME. YOU FOUGHT YESTERDAY!!" (and later last night, but I didn't know that was gonna happen.
  Her: "We're married. It's different!" 
• John: "You're making excuses to be sad! YOU WANT TO BE SAD AND CRY, so you're making up bullshit stories. None of that is true."
• "School isn't that bad. You're over reacting. School sucks, but you can't get sad!"
  Me: "But it still hurts when I'm being HARRASSED!"
  Them: "Of course it does. But you're not allowed to cry!"
• "You're never allowed to be sad or cry because that's you being pathetic."
• "We're of course going to get mad at you, but you have no right to get upset about it, no matter what other pain you're in."

Literally what they were saying last night. Then they got mad at me for not being asleep. Excuse me, but it's hard to even TRY when you're yelling at me while I'm crying hysterically.
So I yelled at them and said "GET OUT OF MY ROOM THEN! If you want me to sleep, GET THE FUCK OUT AND LEAVE ME ALONE!"
So they did, and John's last statement was, "If you're gonna keep crying, BE QUIET ABOUT IT and don't keep us up all night!" 

I cut a little more, and then cried myself to sleep.

Old Photography!

Here are some of my best pictures from when I was little and I did photography. These are so old and I just found them. I'm very proud of these, and here are the best ones!
They aren't ALL in order, but I'm sure you can figure out which ones I took at the same time.

I Say This Every Year, But This Year I'm Dead Set On It

This year,

• I'm gonna get good grades. 
• I'm gonna get my permit/license/car.
• I'm gonna stand up for myself and not take anyone's shit anymore.
• I'm gonna be more confident in who I am.
• I'm gonna start working out more so I can reach my goal of how much weight I wanna lose and how much muscle I wanna gain.
• I'm gonna try to make amends.

Also, is it weird that I kinda want to be a cheerleader? o.O

Dissect The Music, You'll Be Okay

At least Sarah understands. <3 Take the song apart, and put it back together again.

Feel the music.

Listen to the lyrics. Apply them like they're coming from your own mouth. Or you're best friend's.

Focus. Guitar chords, drum beats... the way the voice strains or relaxes.

The note change in every instrument, voice, guitar, piano, violins, bass... Every instrument involved.

Pay attention to the drummer. He's one of the most important parts of the music. Listen to how the bass hits at every perfect moment to make you FEEL something. Pay attention to which part is being hit, and think of speeds.

Hear the emotion behind every word sung. The way it's sung is important to how the message comes through.

Or the air intake between phrases. Or the way the words trail off with a heavy breath at the end.

Notice all rhythms, and how perfectly they combine. 

Hear the harmonies when more than one voice is singing.

Think of the story behind the song. Think of YOUR story behind the song... How different or similar they are.

Remember the song wasn't just written for the artist.. It was written for you too. They understand how you feel.. They're here for you. You're NEVER alone.

I Can't Remember The Last Time I Got A Full Night's Sleep

"Oh, can you tell I haven't slept very well since the last time that we spoke?" - Mayday Parade (Stay)

God. So relevant... I seriously haven't gotten any peaceful sleep since Ryan's left for college..
I'm either:
a) Waking up all throughout the night.
b) Waking up late, and still being tired all day as if I got no sleep.
or
c) Sleeping all through the night, but having nightmares that wake me up, making me exhausted...

I miss him. I never dreamt anything bad when he was around me... I was always comfortable... and safe...
I don't know how to feel like I did when he lived here... How happy and normal I felt.
Everything is just off now.
I can't sleep. The only time I can smile and actually be happy is when I'm with my friends... But then I come home, and the loneliness creeps back into my heart and I feel hopeless.

I need him. I need him to wrap his arms around me and protect me.. Tell me that he loves me and that it'll all be okay.

Everywhere I go, I see trucks that look exactly like his, and I think he's home.. But he's not.
I pass buildings and think he's in there. That I'll receive a text from him any second saying "I see you", like last time... But I don't.
Every time I go around a corner, I think he'll be there to scare me. But he never is.

Whenever I get cold, I remember how I cuddled up with Ryan, but nobody's ever there to keep me warm.

The creek has an emptiness about it now... When I go there, I wonder why I'm there, because he won't be there waiting for me. I can't text him and have him meet me there like before. I can't see him.
Drew's gone. Isaiah almost never talks to me anymore, unless we meet up with Brittany and Nick for a little bit. The only reason I still go to the creek anymore is if I'm with Brittany, Nick, or Steve... Because, before Ryan, that was OUR hang out. That was where we had so many memories of last summer...
Now, it's tainted with memories of me, Ryan, Drew, and Isaiah. It hurts... Because they're all either gone, or leaving.
Going back with B, Nick or Steve... is just weird. I still do it.. I just... can't be 100% there.... not since they left.
But then again.. I can't be 100% anywhere when Ryan's gone..

Well... here's to another sleepless night alone.

Therapy

This song... Now I get why it's gotten Sarah through so much.

Here's the amazing speech from Alex. <3

Here's the song... <3

Three Days Grace is back on.

<3 Ohmygod. I wish I payed more attention. They have new songs. Adam has new songs. <3