I'm gonna take a second to remind everyone that yesterday was mine and Ryan's 8 month anniversary.
It started off as a bad day in general. My phone's bill didn't get paid, so it wasn't working. My classes made me feel like shit. And I felt like an outsider even when I was with Brogin and Ken... I felt as though they were annoyed with me, or angry with me... I don't know. It just sucked.
Then nighttime came, and Ryan and I were fighting.
I was depressed as SHIT and I was crying. I was BEGGING Ryan to help me feel better, but he wouldn't even try. He just kept repeating "I love you." and he sincerely thought that would fix everything. Well, it didn't. I was being consumed by Depression, and attacked by anxiety from all sides.
Sarah started talking to Ryan too, and then he started yelling at both of us.
I hate being yelled at... It makes me so sad, ESPECIALLY from him. It became too much... The pain was overwhelming and my heart was racing. Without even thinking, I went to the drawer where I keep my razor, and before I knew it, my 19 weeks being clean from cutting were gone. Just like that. Gone.
I have never felt like such a failure... and that made me cut more...
I go back and try talking to Ryan, but he's still yelling, and then my stomach decided it had had enough too, and I turned over and threw up.
He admitted that he doesn't care about me as much as he use to.
A few minutes later, mom comes in. Oh, shit. It was 10:45pm. I was suppose to be in bed by 10. But I was online.
She yells at me to get offline.
I quietly beg her to let me stay on, since the next morning was a late start, and I needed to fix what was going on with Ryan.
She said no. I started getting teary and asked again, telling her that it felt like Ryan and I were gonna break up... Her response: "You've been close to breaking up before, what makes this any different? Get offline!"
Now John's yelling. "LINDSEY, ENOUGH! You're making excuses! If you argue one more time, you're grounded!"
Out came the emotions that had been bottled up for so long. I lost it. I started crying so hard I was gasping for air and everything that came out were screams.
Since I had no choice, I ended the conversation with Ryan right as he decided to start taking shots.
I threw the laptop at my mom, and curled up in a ball, crying, trying to ignore her.
She wasn't taking it, and she came in and asked me what was going on. I told her I didn't want to talk to HER about it. She got mad, but I told her I wasn't just crying over Ryan, it was over a shit ton of stuff. What I have to put up with at school, and the shit I get from them too. I straight up told her that her and John put me through so much pain... And she didn't believe it. She pulled the "We're adults, only we feel pain. You're a teenager. You don't know what pain is. Compared to other people, you have it nice." YEAH WELL IT'S STILL FUCKING BAD WHAT I HAVE.
She also said Ryan and I can't be in love because we're not married.
UHM, EXCUSE ME. I've been with Ryan longer than you've KNOWN John.
She got mad at me for missing Ryan. He's been gone for almost 2 months. When John left for A WEEK, you were on the couch crying every night like a hopeless little puppy.To summarize, this is how our conversation went:
It started off as a bad day in general. My phone's bill didn't get paid, so it wasn't working. My classes made me feel like shit. And I felt like an outsider even when I was with Brogin and Ken... I felt as though they were annoyed with me, or angry with me... I don't know. It just sucked.
Then nighttime came, and Ryan and I were fighting.
I was depressed as SHIT and I was crying. I was BEGGING Ryan to help me feel better, but he wouldn't even try. He just kept repeating "I love you." and he sincerely thought that would fix everything. Well, it didn't. I was being consumed by Depression, and attacked by anxiety from all sides.
Sarah started talking to Ryan too, and then he started yelling at both of us.
I hate being yelled at... It makes me so sad, ESPECIALLY from him. It became too much... The pain was overwhelming and my heart was racing. Without even thinking, I went to the drawer where I keep my razor, and before I knew it, my 19 weeks being clean from cutting were gone. Just like that. Gone.
I have never felt like such a failure... and that made me cut more...
I go back and try talking to Ryan, but he's still yelling, and then my stomach decided it had had enough too, and I turned over and threw up.
He admitted that he doesn't care about me as much as he use to.
A few minutes later, mom comes in. Oh, shit. It was 10:45pm. I was suppose to be in bed by 10. But I was online.
She yells at me to get offline.
I quietly beg her to let me stay on, since the next morning was a late start, and I needed to fix what was going on with Ryan.
She said no. I started getting teary and asked again, telling her that it felt like Ryan and I were gonna break up... Her response: "You've been close to breaking up before, what makes this any different? Get offline!"
Now John's yelling. "LINDSEY, ENOUGH! You're making excuses! If you argue one more time, you're grounded!"
Out came the emotions that had been bottled up for so long. I lost it. I started crying so hard I was gasping for air and everything that came out were screams.
Since I had no choice, I ended the conversation with Ryan right as he decided to start taking shots.
I threw the laptop at my mom, and curled up in a ball, crying, trying to ignore her.
She wasn't taking it, and she came in and asked me what was going on. I told her I didn't want to talk to HER about it. She got mad, but I told her I wasn't just crying over Ryan, it was over a shit ton of stuff. What I have to put up with at school, and the shit I get from them too. I straight up told her that her and John put me through so much pain... And she didn't believe it. She pulled the "We're adults, only we feel pain. You're a teenager. You don't know what pain is. Compared to other people, you have it nice." YEAH WELL IT'S STILL FUCKING BAD WHAT I HAVE.
She also said Ryan and I can't be in love because we're not married.
UHM, EXCUSE ME. I've been with Ryan longer than you've KNOWN John.
She got mad at me for missing Ryan. He's been gone for almost 2 months. When John left for A WEEK, you were on the couch crying every night like a hopeless little puppy.To summarize, this is how our conversation went:
- "You're the reason everyone hates you. It's your fault. People aren't rude for no reason. That never happens. You obviously did something wrong."
- "You got one f last year. You're never gonna get an a. You're always gonna be a failure."
- "We're perfect parents. You're over reacting. You shouldn't feel any pain."
- "Ryan's an asshole and since you're fighting, your relationship isn't gonna last and you should break up with him."
Me: "YOU GUYS FIGHT ALL THE TIME. YOU FOUGHT YESTERDAY!!" (and later last night, but I didn't know that was gonna happen.
Her: "We're married. It's different!" - John: "You're making excuses to be sad! YOU WANT TO BE SAD AND CRY, so you're making up bullshit stories. None of that is true."
- "School isn't that bad. You're over reacting. School sucks, but you can't get sad!"
Me: "But it still hurts when I'm being HARRASSED!"
Them: "Of course it does. But you're not allowed to cry!" - "You're never allowed to be sad or cry because that's you being pathetic."
- "We're of course going to get mad at you, but you have no right to get upset about it, no matter what other pain you're in."
Literally what they were saying last night. Then they got mad at me for not being asleep. Excuse me, but it's hard to even TRY when you're yelling at me while I'm crying hysterically.
So I yelled at them and said "GET OUT OF MY ROOM THEN! If you want me to sleep, GET THE FUCK OUT AND LEAVE ME ALONE!"
So they did, and John's last statement was, "If you're gonna keep crying, BE QUIET ABOUT IT and don't keep us up all night!"
So I yelled at them and said "GET OUT OF MY ROOM THEN! If you want me to sleep, GET THE FUCK OUT AND LEAVE ME ALONE!"
So they did, and John's last statement was, "If you're gonna keep crying, BE QUIET ABOUT IT and don't keep us up all night!"
I cut a little more, and then cried myself to sleep.
